Plotting Paul's Fall

 Dear Mr Mashatile

I read that you told City Press, in an exclusive interview, of a plot to oust you.

I do enjoy your party's goings on. They often read like a cold war spy novel or the shenanigans in some Eastern European country (like Bulgaria). Far more exciting than the dull doings of your typical   government of a democratic country. Does this stem from your party's fascination with the enlightened ways of comrades in those parts?

Mr Zuma wrote a book that flew off the car boot. I would not  be too concerned about being ousted. You could write a thrilling best seller. A title you might consider is  'Plotting Paul's Fall'. Has a ring to it, doesn't it? It should be a piece of cake. You already have the plot. I think it wou,ld beat having to listen to, and make, yawn-inducing speeches about things you haven't been able to do for almost thirty years. And are you not tired of the same old songs and dance moves?

Until then, some hints about watching your six, gleaned from contract experience with the KGB, the CIA, MI5 to 6 and the XZQR. 

1. Use shop windows and reflective surfaces to check for tails. 

2. Never use the same route twice. Three times is okay.

3. Tie shoelaces at intervals as an opportunity to do a visual sweep of your surroundings. (Also if they come loose). Should you not have lace - up shoes,  carry a yellow dustcloth to wipe your shoes at regular and irregular intervals (keep 'em guessing).

4. If you spot anyone leaning against a lamppost reading a newspaper regard that with great suspicion. The following are dead giveaways:

  A. The newspaper is upside down

  B. It's a foreign language newspaper

  C.  The reader is wearing dark glasses

  D.  It's pouring with rain

All of the above also applies to a reader on a park bench

  5.  Dart into a shop or alleyway at the slow approach of any SUV with tinted windows. Particularly if such approach is accompanied  by the sudden playing of eerie music 

6. Use disposable cellphones (we are currently running a special on those).

7. The professional services of MERDE, (Mann Enterprise for the Resolution of Dire Emergencies),  are at your disposal

The platinum package will have us on speed dial.

Of course, none of this will help if the plotters can plot worth a darn. But it will take your mind off plots and give you something interesting to do. 

I would also check your office environment for a mole. This has nothing to do with plots but is merely a gardening tip. We do that too, as well as garbage collection for influential clients. We will even sift through your garbage for any incriminating stuff, which we will then sto..., I mean, destroy, lest it fall into the hands of those less scrupulous than we are.  

You were recommended to us as someone who may need our services. I cannot reveal the identity of the recommender as it may constitute a conflict of interests.

I notice that the plotting revelations surfaced after the roadside incident. Nothing inferred here, sir. I just noticed it.

Just by the by, I am concerned that my favourite investigative journal, The Daily Sun, despite their wonderfully imaginative stories and headlines, may face fierce competition and pressure, as your party continues to churn out the most intriguing stories.

Yours in the perpetual struggle against plotters.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

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