Sport, Politicians And Marijuana

Dear Fellow South Africans

 I have not wasted lockdown time. I'm pleased to share with you my research findings on the links between sport, marijuana and politicians.

 There are mixed feelings about the more relaxed approach to use of the herb of the family cannabaceae. With this rigorousIy researched information, I hope to pour coke on troubled brandy.

 Taken in appropriate quantities, the herb can actually improve performance in some sports. We've all heard cricket commentators say: "He's seeing the ball twice it's size". I thought that this had to do with time spent at the batting crease. Then one of our top batsmen admitted to sampling some of the islands' finest on a West Indies tour. This may well explain why the islands have produced a succession of fine batsmen. When we had a West Indian coach, I had hoped that our team would come out smoking for the World Cup. A new significance added to the green and gold? 

 The jury is still out on rugby. Some rugby referees do have one wondering. I have noticed this particularly when The Sharks have lost against lesser teams such as Stormers, Lions, Bulls and others.

 Unfortunately, the weed does not improve the performance of politicians. I am not suggesting that our own politicians indulge. Nevertheless, consider these few examples, taken from less disciplined countries to the north:

 MPs see nothing wrong in debating the meaning of the word 'fokol' at taxpayer expense. 

 A prominent statesman responds to national crises with bouts of hilarity.

 A popular populist confuses the verbs 'kill' and 'die', using them interchangeably.

 A party whose middle name is corruption vows weekly to eradicate corruption.

 Said party appoints, promotes and supports, with gay abandon, members under thick, dark, nimbus clouds. 

 After more than a quarter of a century in power, politicians blame George Soros, the Dutch East India Company , the previous regime, Bill Gates, third forces, local La Costra Nostra, whites, and for all one knows, Martians for everything from shoplifting to billion dollar disasters.

 There are only two possible explanations: insanity or use of mind-altering substances. Then again, perhaps it's the saliva. 

 Yours in the quest for knowledge and answers. 

 Richard

High Tea and Doctor Endeezee

Dear Fellow South Africans 

 Dr NDZ and Mr Cele warned us of the evils of smoking and drinking. 

I discovered a greater evil. Subtle, insidious, deceptive - abuse of tea. It all started when a judge hit the wall - literally. With his rather expensive car. The judge claimed to have been drinking tea. He later admitted to having had some wine. So it was reported. I believe the first report. I am a supporter of law and order, judges and all things judicial.

 I resolved to conduct the kind of thorough research that The Daily Sun is renowned for. I made some startling discoveries. Consider the following: What is it about tea that so inflamed the sober sons of Boston? Throwing hundreds of chests of tea into the harbour isn't what you'd expect at an eighteenth century tea party. 

 The samurai drank, not sake, but tea before battle. A man whose sole purpose in life is separating heads from bodies would know. Some people read tea leaves. No one goes around reading coffee grounds- or even dagga seeds. Sinister. What is the real meaning of high tea? Why should storms happen only in teacups? 

 Lest you think I am being frivolous (heaven forbid!), here is the most compelling evidence: Ever since Catherine Of Braganza took some tea over as part of her dowry, the English began to behave in eccentric, and sometimes downright antisocial ways. Why would a 'nation of shopkeepers' want to conquer the globe? One can picture the lords of the day, lolling among the overturned teacups. Their slurred speech would later become the 'aristocratic drawl'. 

 "I say, chaps. Why don't we jolly well conquer the whole earth?"

 "Very droll, Robert. Whatever for?"

 "Well, er, because it's there, old chap". 

 And thus, in all probability, began that chapter. 

 I suggest that the legal age for drinking tea be raised. We should conduct experiments on selected members of the legal professions. It's the responsible thing to do.

 Yours in the struggle against substance abuse. 

 Richard

Time Of Reckoning

Dear Mr Cele

 So we go to lockdown level 2.

 I am sure that you are ready to deal with the hordes of criminals coming off the 'crime holiday' you mentioned. After all, your gallant officers are now battle- hardened. They have fought an epic battle with those brutal, vicious, cunning illegal smokers and boozers. They surely must bear the scars. After that, rounding up murderers, rapists and robbers will be like taking candy from a sleeping baby. Or whiskey from a comatose illegal boozer. 

You arrested about 300 000 of those puffing, swilling villains. We expect double that number of villains, including Covidpreneurs, to be locked down a bit longer than we were. After all, it's going to be a lot easier, isn't it. It took real courage and grit to deal with that other lot. Gazing into the bloodshot eyes of a rebellious boozer or smoker can freeze a man's blood.

 I am a little confused by your reference to investigations into police brutality. I thought you said there wasn't any in South Africa. Or are you looking at our neighbours to the north? (Now that our own smoking and drinking rings have been smashed). Carte Blanche did a programme on blue light gangs. I thought it was about those convoys carrying Important People to Important Events. Apparently the name refers to villains masquerading as police officers. A cynical friend said that that's not at all unusual in South Africa. Not sure what he meant. Perhaps someone can explain?

 Well, Sir, the time of reckoning has surely come. 

May the force be with you. 

 Yours in the struggle to maintain law and order.

 Richard

Met Ys / With Ice

Dear Fellow South Africans 

 Like you, I'm sure, I've been concerned about the aggression, scorn and anger poured out on social media.

 At times we seem to be such an angry, frustrated, fragmented nation. All is not lost. Mr Malema was once reported to have retorted to Mr Kriel of Afriforum: "You are drunk on Klipdrift and coke". (I assume he meant Coca-Cola, not the powdery stuff). This had to do with moneys reportedly paid to Afriforum after a (yet another) lawsuit. Another angry outburst, I thought. 

Then I re-read the piece, more attentively. He said 'Klipdrift', not 'brandy'. Not just any brandy. Now how would Mr Malema know that the respected klippies was Mr Kriel's favourite tipple? This points to insider knowledge. One can only assume that they must have raised a glass or two together. So what sounded like an angry shot across the bows may well have been some friendly ribbing. 

 To those of you uttering a disbelieving 'haibo', let me refer you the English House of Commons. MPs savage one another mercilessly, then have a friendly drink together. It's so reassuring to know that our own politicos are capable of such maturity and good humour. A lesson to us all in a mature, big-hearted approach to problem solving. 

I can picture the two of them, sipping their klippies and coke before a roaring log fire, chuckling over the lawyers' antics. 

 Remember the popular 'Met Ys' advertisement for Klipdrift? Here's an opportunity to go one better. Courtroom scenes shot in sombre black and white, warm sepia tones for the fireplace scenes - a classic. Potential award winner. 

 Shall we raise a glass in salute to these two gentlemen and the fine example that they are? 

Met ys, ja.

 Richard

Wallflowers - Supporting Mr Gigaba

Mr Gigaba is back in the news. Here is a supportive letter that I wrote to him some time ago.

 Dear Mr Gigaba

 You have my sympathy empathy and understanding. How awful that you attended those social gatherings in Saxonworld and elsewhere and were not afforded even the courtesy of an introduction. 

 I myself underwent a whole year of therapy after the trauma of a similar Wallflower experience. Even now I shudder at the memory. I would highly recommend Dr von Schollenhofen von Eltern unter den Tannenbaumen, should you feel the need for a good analyst. While my experience was a one-off, I imagine that the trauma was ratcheted up several notches as you suffered repeated exposure to the cold shoulder. I can picture you slouching in a corner, your glass of red wine slowly turning lukewarm as you sat despondently while the animated discussion and gusts of laughter wafted by you. 

People just do not realise how soul-destroying the Wallflower experience can be. Being a kindred soul in suffering I suggest that we meet at the Saxonworld establishment for some cathartic sharing and unburdening over a comforting beverage. We could establish WA, Wallflowers Anonymous. We are certain to be inundated with applications from politicians and officials who suffered in like fashion, attending functions but being treated like the Invisible Man by those churlish cads.

 May I also invite you to my favourite Germiston haunts where the welcome is always warm. Pat's Bar and Joe's Tavern are cradles of culture where one may freely may freely and lustily cheer the Sharks, Pirates and the Proteas in convivial company. Even the occasional fistfights are conducted in a fair and friendly spirit.

 I look forward to hearing from you.  

Yours in the quest for warm South African hospitality.

 Richard

Lockdown

Dear criminals

 Isn't life strange? It rather looks as if that virus is going to accomplish what our respected police force has failed dismally at: keep you bas.., sorry gentlemen off the streets.

 I do hope you spend your time wisely. I can recommend some good books, including The Good Book, which has many interesting thoughts on your line of business. I believe that you will meet many kindred spirits in several of the stories. If you have not already liberated a copy, I'd be happy to leave one for you at a convenient spot.

 Although I feel as much sympathy for you as I did for Darth Vader, I have thought of a way to brighten your day. Consider this a work from home opportunity. If you send detailed instructions, I will rob myself twice a week. One does want to do it properly, you know, standard operating procedures and all that. I'm happy to video the whole thing if that will add some spice. 

 I imagine that many of you have solid experience of lockdown situations, having been guests of the state. You might want to give back (whoa, wait till I finish) a little and share on how you survived them. Just the activities that normal folk can relate to, please.You know what I mean: monopoly, checkers etc. 

I guess it would be too much to hope that this will be a life-changing experience for you, so let's just leave it at that. 

 Yours in the struggle to stay safe and healthy. 

 Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Thuma Mina (Send Me)

Dear Gupta Family

 I am deeply disappointed after watching some of the recent Zondo Commission episodes. I think that it is a travesty of justice and other stuff that you did not make the list of top ten best companies to work for. 

I admire your no-nonsense approach to business procedures. Your payroll procedures, for example. Bags of cash are so much easier to conc..., I mean, handle than EFTs, bank interest charges and all that bureaucratic stuff. Mattresses, jam jars and holes in the garden were good enough for our forebears. I'm all for preserving culture and tradition.

 Your compensation plan seems as competitive as they get. In my entire career, I've only had two similar offers. One was a public relations junket for a family concern on an island near the 'toe' of Italy's 'boot'. The other was a sales management job for a Colombian pharmaceutical company. 

 But, to business. I am wildly enthusiastic about joining your enterprise. I believe that I'd make an ideal employee from a culture - fit and skills perspective. Some of my attributes: Flexibility: I am willing to do anything legal - or at least leaning in that general direction. A rubber band could not be more elastic. Goal driven: My career goal is to make a substantial pil..,sorry, contribution to a worthy cause. Willingness: I will shred, burn and even eat documents should the need arise. And the pric.., er, cause be right. Maturity and Reasonableness : I read some time ago of someone who turned down a sweetener with a fair number of zeroes in it. For that sort of reasonable incentive, I could be sweeter than the fattest honeycomb.  

I am willing to be interviewed at that watering hole made famous by Mr Molefe. I am equally willing to skip straight to the signing of contracts. Drinks on me on successful conclusion. 

 Yours in the struggle for enlightenment in the world of work.  

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723