Hair

Dear Clicks

 I am deeply offended. My lotto pick was a disaster. Your hair advertisement added insult to injury. Though I am male and bald, my hair would match your ad's depiction if I had any. I will not be buying hair products from you henceforth. 

Your apology is inadequate. I suggest that your entire executive and marketing team do the following.

 Take to the streets of each major city. 

Wear mourning robes. 

Shave your heads. 

Cry out 'unclean, unclean' at each intersection. 

Be gently pelted with soft-boiled eggs and an assortment of pre-loved vegetables. 

 Will this suffice? No. But you will feel better. And, oh, what fun it will be. Mr Malema, I trust that this initiative will meet your stern requirements for justice. I'm sure that you would not hesitate to do the same in the unlikely event that you cause offence in word or deed. While we're at it, could we also have the (many) corrupt politicians, tenderpreneurs, creative civil servants and covidpreneurs perform similar penance. Confession is good for the soul And entertaining. 

 Yours in the struggle for justice.

 Richard

Cadre In Waiting

Dear ANC Leadership

 I am keenly interested in any lucra...pardon....leadership position within your great organisation, SOEs, municipalities or other challenging environments.

 I have been in the struggle (to make a decent living) for as long as I can remember. I am a supporter of Radical or Conservative Economic Transformation or whichever version comes next. An EE (Ever Eager) candidate, I believe that I am uniquely qualified for a variety of possible posts. I am able to work or sleep under pressure. I am persistent and able to rise to any challenge (disciplinary enquiries, assorted allegations, non - delivery complaints etc.). 

Creativity is one of my strengths and I have always been able to rationalize the, er, justifiable fluctuations in budget and project plans. Optimistic by nature, I can see a hole in the ground as a handyman special, all - about - the - view, potential gem. 

 Frankly, I lack experience in the tenders - and - related - business field but I am a fast learner. I am prepared to be deployed or redeployed to wherever the mon...er....need is. I also wish to declare the following: I have never participated in the 'Voetsek Campaign' I did not smoke illegal cigarettes during lockdown (despite several offers) No drop of illegal alcohol polluted my lips As a disciplined cadre in waiting, I am never flippant about the organisation. 

Incidentally, I see the word cadre refers to a group rather than an individual. That's fine. Like many before me, I do not exist apart from the organisation. Please keep this in mind, should anything go south. My career driver is service. I am flexible about remuneration. No sum is too large.

 Respectfully Yours 

 Richard

Oliver's Travels: The Land Of Saafrica

After our shipwreck upon the coast of storms, the land of the Saafricans proved to be physic for body and soul.

 The people treated us with every kindness, pressing upon us drink, victuals and a green tobacco, most calming to the senses. Their language closely approximated ours but for some few words peculiar to the region. I was soon able to pronounce the traditional, respectful greeting 'Howzit', followed by the customary response 'Hectic'. Thus enabled, it was no difficult matter to initiate conversations with the inhabitants of this beauteous and friendly land. I did remark, however, upon numbers of people who seemed to carry marks of misery upon their faces. I also encountered numerous visages clouded with what appeared to be smouldering anger. I resolved to discuss this with my host at an opportune time. 

 Desirous, as ever, of learning of their ways of government, I was delighted when my host proposed a journey to the House Of Parliament. We travelled in a fast conveyance, the driver frequently hailing other travellers with a cheerful 'Footsack'. My host explained in brief the way of government, named 'demockracy'. The people chose persons of good character and ability to serve them. I was much taken with the idea. I have observed, in the lands in which I have journeyed that the nobility rule often according to whim.

 My first impression of the servants of the people was that they were sleek, well dressed and travelled in conveyances with every appearance of wealth and luxury. These were, I supposed, honours and comforts bestowed by a grateful populace. The Speaker of the House appeared to be a personage of authority and power. I was somewhat perplexed that his duties, in the main, appeared to be beseeching members to sit or leave the house. 

Dear reader, I will not presume to pass judgement upon the customs of a land in which I am a guest. While fully cognizant that the honourable members wrestled with important matters of state, I was alarmed when, in a heated moment, they began to wrestle with one another. My host was unmoved.

 Much of the business seemed to revolve around the meaning of various words. One debate was centred around a word hitherto unknown to me. 'Fockall' is my best approximation. This must have had great significance for the well-being of the populace, for passions were clearly aroused. I trust that the outcome will be sufficient quantities of 'fockall' for the populace. My good host will doubtless enlighten me. 

 Thus ended my second day in the land of Saafrica. Dear reader, I shall be at pains to report all that I observe in this most intriguing of lands.

Chicken, Egg, ANC, South Africa

Dear ANC 

 We are delighted to see you wrestling with the complex, profound question of whether the ANC or the country comes first.

 It's as difficult and tantalizing as the chicken/ egg riddle. I am sure that the answer will help us out of this messy omelette of corruption, incompetence and arrogance - the egg on our national face. 

 I understand that the Zuma school of thought plumps for the ANC. The erudite Ms Gumede apparently believes that without the ANC, there would be no country. Bizarre. But easily tested. Unlike the chicken/ egg question. Empirical proof is within our grasp.

 Could the ANC bugg..., sorry, retire for a bit. That would settle the issue. Some cynics maintain that, with the ANC, it's a miracle that we still have a country. At least, whatever's left after various garage sales and Black Friday specials. So cynical. 

 If there's to be any chicken or egg to be had in future, the ANC needs to resolve the issue. Soon. A quote, reportedly from Mr Zuma: "Because those people, if they are not part of the ANC and there was no ANC they could be misled. They could be under... oppression forever." He said the country needed a conscious organisation which could take the people "to their destination". To misquote Mr Churchill: Some chicken, some egg, some destination!

 Yours in the struggle for truth (and a chicken in every pot). 

 Richard

The Right(eous) Stuff

Dear Fellow South Africans 

 Don't you feel privileged? Advice, letters and recommendations descend upon us. Those who have romped in the fields of righteousness, ethics and integrity have seen fit to bless us with their wisdom and knowledge.

 Who better? Running the gauntlet of fraud, racketeering and corruption charges, serving gaol time, wallowing in rumour and scandal; surely that must qualify one to tender quality comment. Surely? After all, didn't the poet say: "A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Drink deep..."? 

 Those European and other politicians, rightly and roundly condemned by Twitter sages for being the meddling neo-colonists that they are, have been known to resign at a whiff of scandal. Silly buggers. What do they know? Our blokes are made of sterner stuff. They smell, touch, taste, fondle and move on. Upward and onward. That's tenacity. 

Reminds me of that song: 'We Are Climbing Jacob's Ladder'. Good, old-fashioned spiritual. While we are on matters spiritual, let him, then, who is without odour, cast the first stink bomb. 

 The scuffle continues. 

 Richard

Atypical Transient Global Amnesia

What is Atypical Transient Global Amnesia (herinafter referred to as ATGA)? 

 A serious ailment, affecting, in the main, politicians, villains and debtors. Has been known to vacuum all recollection of blunders, misdemeanours, felonies, debts.

 How and when was this condition discovered? 

 In South Africa, March 2017, when Mr Koko, formerly of Eskom, exhibited clear symptoms. The writer of this article is himself a sufferer and has been researching since the days of Richard Nixon, an early victim. 

 What is the rate of infection in South Africa? 

 We've seen a rapid rise since the days of Mr Koko. Messrs Zuma, Martins, Zwane and many, many others seem to have been affected. The case of Mr Ndzeku is of particular interest. In a full-blown attack, it appears that his antibodies were decimated. 

 What should one do to avoid infection? 

 Certain environments exacerbate the condition. Commissions of inquiry are to be avoided. The same applies to principals' offices, SARS premises etc. Sweaty palms, itchy scalps, the onset of stuttering, are some of the warning signs.

 Is there a cure? 

 Not at present. The Mann Establishment for Research into Dire Emergencies (MERDE), is hard at work. I am currently in Namaqualand, testing dried bat urine (scientific name: vlermuispis), which is reputed to work wonders for toothache. We are also looking into the use of controlled doses of marijuana. Results are as yet inconclusive but the latter remedy does seem to leave the subjects quite cheerful. Even mirthful.

 The struggle continues.

Lost In Translation?

Inspired by the eloquence of philosopher Dr Ace and elder statesman Mr Zuma: a letter written some time ago. 

 Dear Mr Former President

 Congratulations to you and to Dr Ace on your contribution to the elegant cut and thrust of political discourse. I once thought your coining of the word 'meandos' was a crowning achievement. Your comment on state capture - 'just people doing things with other people', was a gem (echoes of Simon and Garfunkel?). It could mean anything at all and nothing at all; surely the highest form of politspeak - a sort of tenth dan achievement in the noble art. The only problem is that it is wide open to all sorts of salacious interpretation. 

 Dr Ace was not to be outdone. His treatise on when a meeting is not a meeting or may be a meeting but not the sort of meeting we consider a meeting, is....masterful. "I met with Zuma but I did not intend on meeting with Zuma as a meeting is not necessarily a meeting to meet individuals but rather a meeting intended to meet with him in a capacity that we had already met." This was probably a prime example of people doing things with other people - just not with individuals. Students of English and political science will surely study and analyse this piece for years to come.  

A letter on the editorial page of the Sunday Times hinted at your planning a Schwarzenegger - type comeback. Plots were said to be hatched at top Durban hotels. If so, good choice, sir. I can think of worse plot-hatching venues than The Maharani. I've heard that the food is excellent and would gladly join you should you again feel the need to hatch....anything.

 I take issue with the plotting allegations. For Dr Ace to compose that linguistic Gordian knot must surely have taken up the entire meeting. Precious little time left for any plotting worthy of the name. I firmly believe your meetings have been about shaping and polishing your oratorical skills. We look forward to more. 

 Yours in the quest for the perfect soundbite. 

 Richard