The Annual SA Chutzpah Awards

The comedies have been scintillating, the dramas spellbinding, the acting intense and flawless. For the judges, agonizingly difficult choices. 

Brushing aside such tough contenders as The Illegal Immigrant Who Defrauded COJ Of Millions, three productions stand out. Spies, Lies And DVDs has all the high drama of the world of espionage with moments of sheer comic genius. And this potentially awkward marriage of genres works largely because of a command performance from method actor, Jayzed. Known to his adoring fans as Number One, his Brandoesque mumble and trademark giggle had moviegoers riveted. A solid performance from a supporting cast of judge and legal eagles. I shan' t spoil the twisting, suspense - filled plot, but expect spies, lies and nasty devices. Rumour has it that Part II is on the way. Negotiations with the star are underway. 

 Tony Y stars in the side-splitting comedy The Righteous Stuff. The plot is a little far-fetched but the straight-faced delivery from a brilliant ensemble cast make this one well worth watching. A group of politicians and concerned citizens take on a corrupt, crumbling government. Under a couple of nimbus clouds themselves, they keep the audience guessing, as the witty, ironic one-liners fly. Watch for some of the funniest letters ever featured in a movie.You may recall Tony's starring role in another comedy, And Justice For All. He played a man who rose from obscurity to become head of an integrity committee.Jessie D won best supporting actress for that one. Her comic timing was nothing short of superb.

 Aces High is the story of one man's duel with the system. A convoluted plot, as a man with a mysterious past plays a high-stakes hawk and mouse game. Will they? Won't they? It does become a tad drawn out. But stay with this one. The explosive climax makes it all worthwhile. 

 And the Chutzpah goes to....

Ashes To Ashes

Dear Mr Malema 

 I once thought that The Siege Of SONA was your finest hour. I should have known that a CIC of your calibre would gather honours like the Namaqualand wildflowers. Siege Of Clicks, Siege Of Senekal. 

Doubtless the list, like the heart in that Titanic theme song, will go on. Rommel could not have scaled such heights. But then, he was white (even if somewhat tanned by the desert sun).

 You certainly started fires (whoa, don't sue - let me finish) in the hearts of your adoring followers. A professed Ground Forces member tweeted that everything (including animals) should be burnt, so that the land can be reclaimed. I think he meant the ash. But then again, who can argue against superior logic?

 Another private or corporal gave his or her measured opinion that Afrikaans is a useless language. I'm sure that dismayed former speakers of the language are abandoning it in droves.Probably turning to Gujarati and Mandarin. Yet another went further to declare it a satanic language. One must bow to the superior wisdom and experience of those who have accumulated special knowledge in that realm. Tutored, one supposes, by the master of the realm himself. 

 Sir, one doesn't want to hammer on about your philosophical blurring of the distinction between killing and dying for a person or cause. Nevertheless, can we expect a song about dying for the boer? Nah, perish the thought.

 Yours in whichever struggle comes next. 

 Richard

Crime In Black And White

Dear Mr Masina

 Are these really your words or has your account been hacked by a raving lunatic? Or someone on Durban Poison?

 "Blacks people must unite, these arrests are targeting abt black professionals and black business. We need to stand up and be counted. Some Whites have been stealing with impunity and they not arrested. It’s now or never." 

 When I had finished laughing, I succumbed to the irresistible urge to pen this letter to you. A friend had his first SASSA payout stolen before he could draw it. He too, saw the side-splitting humour in this tweet. Sir, what I understand is: 

 1. We should support suspects because they are black 

 2. There ought to be proportional representation of white suspects, a sort of BEE approach (more like WEE).

 I am sure that my friend will bear his misfortune with greater fortitude if it turns out that the fraudsters were, in the main, black. Of course, if there is appropriate white representation as well, I should think he will be giddy with joy.

 How do you suggest we show our support? I am quite willing to carry any number of those convicted shoulder high to the prison of choice. One doesn't want to quarrel with custom and tradition. Of course, weight limits need to be taken into account.

 Sir, I plan also to be mugged only by white muggers. I am planning my work and shopping routes accordingly. Over and above these patriotic efforts, I'm happy to forward your list (soon forthcoming, I'm sure) of white suspects to the relevant authorities. That, with a request that they be detained by black officers. I hope that helps.

 It's now or never, says the message. The latter seems more likely but we live in hope.

 Not only are you active in the struggle for proportional suspect representation but I see that you are planning to showcase service delivery. As any good City Of Ekhuruleni mayor should. Please include the magical, mystery bus service. We had such fun guessing and betting on whether buses would show up towards the end of last year. It kept us entertained for weeks. 

 Yours in the struggle for proportional representation.

 Richard

The Zuma Odyssey: 2018

Dear Mr President 

 Our friendly correspondence draws to a close. The long day wanes. The slow moon climbs and all that. 

You will recognize that fragment from Tennyson's Ulysses, whose epic voyage rather resembles yours. Except that yours seems to have been written by Homer Simpson, rather than the Greek poet whose name he bears. It may not be the deep that moans round with many voices but certainly the whole country has been moaning for a long, long time. Mourning too. Perhaps the sirens' song had deafened you. 

 The line from Tennyson's poem that is most apt for you: Push off and sitting well in order smite the sounding furrows.... Just the first two words. You were getting so close to the truly greats: Uncle Bob, Mbasogo of Equatorial Guinea, Al-Bashir and the rest. A few more years and you could have totally gutt....I mean...transformed the country. 

 According to the 'novels' that you recently referred to, you could have taught Ulysses a thing or two about Trojan horses. SARS, the NPA, Treasury, the security cluster, fell faster than Troy, we are told, as your men poured out of their wooden horses like a cockr...sorry... commando invasion. You got by Scylla and Charybdis. Or was it Zille and Charybdis? Your cyclops could have been those steely-eyed judges. Just as Ulysses did, you tried to get by them, shielded by a sheep. It almost worked until they declared that The Sheep Stops Here.

 It would be remiss of us not to mention the men and women who rowed so lustily at your command. Oblivious to the ever-present peril of imminent shipwreck. 'I number them too in the song'. 

 Now you have returned from your wanderings to find the house full of suitors. Sadly, there is no great bow to bend. You broke it and this one ends differently. It has been a long wearisome voyage. Still, as Tennyson put it: 

 Though much is taken much abides and tho We are not now that strength which in old days

 Moved Earth and heaven,

 that which we are we are; 

 One equal temper of heroic hearts, Made weak by time and fate,

 but strong in will To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

 Yours in the quest for a safe harbour.

 Richard

(Slow) Death And Taxes 2017

Dear SARS People

 I used to partner with a network marketing business that offered brilliant travel deals. 

 The state programme has them licked, though. Travel in comfort, enjoy the finest accommodation and receive a daily allowance greater than the monthly salary of many South Africans. That's travelling in style. 

 I wish to sign up without delay. I meet the requirements. I am related to several Cabinet ministers through the Adam and Eve connection. I support and promote South African business, as vendors of magwinyas and other fine local cuisine will attest. 

 Recent riveting reports of one such state (read taxpayer) sponsored shop...sorry... diplomatic excursion reminded me of our hate - hate relationship dear SARS people. With respect. Nothing personal, as my mentor, the Don used to say - just business. After all, you do hoover up a significant portion of my desperately hard earned remuneration. I labour for a substantial portion of the year just for you (must add that to my CV).

 When I reluctantly signed up for your programme, I was ever so slightly mollified by the notion that my tax money would go to some worthy causes. I count among them housing, relief for the poor and elderly, hospitals etc. I was glad to see that some progress was indeed made on housing, notably that quaint dwelling place among the green hills of my own home province. The one with a ritzy swimming pool and provision for domestic animals.

 I already do a great deal of travelling and would like to discuss a suitable daily allowance. Those daily trips from Germiston to Fourways and back do take a toll on the well-worn wallet. I look forward to similar relief. 

My own needs are quite modest. Aforementioned magwinyas, chips the odd JMPD special (streetwise two). My daily allowance would amount to a fraction of that allocated to some shopp...sorry... business emissaries. 

 Some of my fellow South Africans are less patient and one occasionally hears talk of a tax revolt. I am dead against the notion. Staves, pikestaffs and the guillotine have no place in our gentler, kinder democracy. Even if one of you volunteers for the 'it is a far far better thing that I do' role. We are reasonable, civilized people, to quote Don Vito, and I, for one, would welcome a discussion over a cup of rooibos. I am keen to see what you can put on (and I can take off) the proverbial table. Should you not respond in good faith, I shall demand that you point me to the unsubscribe link on your website. I shall withdraw from the programme with dignity. No hard feelings (or hard cash). 

 I look forward to a prompt, business-like response. 

 Yours in the no - taxation - without - meaningful - representation movement. 

 Richard

Lord Of The Dance 2018

Dear Mr Malema 

 Despite my relief at the changing of the guard in high places, I was somewhat concerned that we would be starved of our accustomed servings of entertainment. 

 Our singing, dancing former president, like that other great entertainer, has left the building. The Force is no longer with our tweeting former minister of police. Ms Muthambi, silver-tongued presenter of budget speeches, is perhaps even now talking to the trees. The time of the entertainers, like that of the elves, seemed to have passed.

 Thank goodness for you. You have the moves like Jagger. Who can forget your professed readiness to kill and then later to die for the Dancing One? Later, you expressed regret for your role in seating him on the throne. Now, with a deft tango - like swivel, you have moved on again. If reports are true, you have magnanimously stowed away the Marikana stick with which you loved to beat Mr Ramaphosa. It appears from the same report that you are ready to dump your occasional dance partner, the DA. Perhaps to move into the embrace of the ANC? Those of a cynical disposition may see this as opportunistic maneuvering for a plum position. I am simply reminded of the old song, Mister Bojangles:  

He jumped so high, jumped so high. And then he lightly touched down Mr Bojangles, Lord that man could dance... 

 So can you sir; so can you.

 Yours in the love of the dance.

 Richard

The Impossible Dream

Dear Mr Malema

 I slept the untroubled sleep of the just last night, knowing that you are on your way to Senekal. 

What a noble mission: to protect property, democracy, the constitution and anything else that needs protection Your sterling record speaks for itself. Who can forget your crusade against the purveyors of racist hair products? Who can forget Mr Shivambu, like a kindly uncle, lecturing that journalist on (I assume) democracy and dialectical materialism. I am still moved by the image of his hand gently resting on the man's neck. "You feel me?" were probably his concluding words. 

 The words from that Man Of La Mancha theme song come to mind. 'To fight for the right, without question or pause'. Except that you are fighting for the left, I think. Certainly, without question or pause. Or thought, said a friend. Sir, unlike the philosophers like Hamlet and Dr Ace, you are first and foremost a man of action. Rambo, Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin - they shoot from the hip - or the lip. So, I think, do you. Guadalcanal, Gallipoli and other names will forever echo in the spacious halls of history. Likewise, Clicks, Parliament, Senekal..... 

 I am at this moment so inspired that I must borrow from Blake's Jerusalem, lightly cannibalized (not the other one everyone is dancing to): 

 Bring me my bow of burning gold Bring me my arrows of desire

 Bring me my spear, o clouds unfold! 

Bring me my chariot of fire. 

I will not cease from mental fight, nor physical 

 Nor shall my sword sleep in my hand Till we have built Jerusalem In Mzansi's green and pleasant land. 

 Sir, I am overcome with nau...sorry...emotion. 

 Yours in the quest for the impossible dream. 

 Richard