A World In One Country

 Like the president, I am shocked. Indeed, shell-shocked. 

My analyst, Dr von Schollenhofen von Eltern unter den Tannenbàumen, diagnosed PTSASD (post-traumatic South African stress disorder). Curable only by nine holes of golf.

It's been a week from hell. Taking politicians hostage is bad enough. Stupid, of course. Who, in their right minds, would pay a ransom for a South African politician? But to attack a Shisa Nyama owner! Cold-blooded brutality. That's the last bastion of service delivery in South Africa.

Elsewhere, scenes reminiscent of Blackhawk Down, as alleged Somali traders burn taxis. Mr Cele was on the scene in what seemed like seconds. The US, the UK and other less-developed nations (than ours) tend to have the local chief constable, police chief or commissioner respond in such situations. We send in the big hats..., I mean, big guns. That's why we are so far advanced. In all sorts of things.

I was present and saw a group of dubious-looking fellows with firearm bulges in various places. They were shaking with what could have been mistaken for laughter. I knew that it was fear. It's working, Mr Cele. It can only get better. It can only...

We are streets ahead of the US. They have the mafia (which doesn't really exist) and various crime corporations. In South Africa, you can hire a disposable hitman at Black Friday rates all year round.

Makes one proud to be South African.

To those hysterical alarmists who interpret the recent avalanche of disasters as meaning that the barbarians are at the gates, I say: "Don't be ridiculous." The gates are firmly locked. 

The barbarians are safely within.

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Going To The Dogs

 

• Dear SIU, Hawks and Other Crimebusters

People say that South Africa is going to the dogs. While self-respecting dogs may bridle at that suggestion, it did spark off an idea. May I, in all modesty, add, a brilliant idea.

We've long known that dogs can sniff out explosives, drugs and accelerants. Now, more excitingly, there are indications that they can also sniff out various illnesses and diseases.

What is the greatest threat to the stability and progress of our beloved country? Corruption, of course. It's been described as an epidemic. Applying the superior logic gained from observing EFF leadership, corruption can therefore be categorised as an illness. 

I suggest that we begin training corruption-sniffing dogs forthwith. While dogs sniff armpits for disease, I imagine that our canines would focus on the stomach area. One would expect a richer, riper scent than that emanating from other ailments. 

With an eye to our EFF comrades on the ground, I suggest that we don't use the popular European breeds. The use of German Shepherds, Belgian Malinois, English Springer Spaniels could lead to accusations of racism and neo-colonialism. Bruno is a Wentworth, Durban - born dog of uncertain, but indisputably South African origin. He already shows great promise, having seen off several election campaigners in fine style.  I see him as a pioneer in this new war on corruption. A sort of first among equals.

I'm working on the tender proposal, with other local dog owners and trainers. We will be needing a veritable army of trained canines. Just a hunch.

Yours in the out-of-the-box approach to the grim struggle against corruption.

Richard

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Blah Wars: The Search For The Jedi

The Ancites can make things disappear with a wave of the hand. Or flourish of a pen. 

I thought that I had at last found the mystical brotherhood of the Jedi. But all was not well. The dark side was strong within them. Rumour was that many had gone over. Planet Zuma, Planet Ace and many of the stars that had once made up the Republic now seemed to lie in darkness and confusion.

I sought out the rebel leader, General Seeyisee, With his strong convictions and vast army of clones, the general may have held hope for the Republic. But, as Yoda would have put it: 'Strong the force could be in him, but darkness there is. Contradictions too many, there are. Flip-flopping and the anger strong. Afraid I am that he is vulnerable to the temptations of the dark side.'

The blue army of the Defiance Alliance wielded their light sabres with great skill at times. Then, at others, they tripped over their own feet. Falling down and falling out often just as they seemed about to rise to the occasion.

Throughout the Republic, many other parties lay claim to the Jedi heritage. Many are untested or have discovered the power of invisibility, sometimes spoken of in hushed tones among believers.

The search for the Jedi continues.

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Phoenix

 Dear ANC

Thank goodness for the DA's propensity for shooting themselves in both feet.

What a grand opportunity for a flamboyant display of unrighteous indignation. You can cover a multitude of sins with this gift of the gods of political opportunism. And boy, we are talking a multitude. To list them would turn this post into a facsimile of War and Peace. You do know that we're talking of the Phoenix election posters. I can barely bring myself to type the name without breaking out in hives.

Interestingly, a commentator pointed out that the president and others praised people for defending their communities. But that's beside the point. Whatever said point may be.

You ought to use this opportunity like the mythical phoenix. Revive it from the  sad ashes of your own sorry campaign  at every opportunity. Why not raise a monument? We could have a danger - tape cutting ceremony. But let's go frugal; no more than a million.

Mr Cele spoke a while back. It was with a passion that we've not seen when he discourses on all the boring violence and murder elsewhere in the land. The timbre of his voice swelled with gravitas as he uttered the magic word: 'racism'. It was like seeing an otherwise placid person transformed by a stiff dose of speed. 

A suitably grave TV person spoke of 'playing with people's lives'. I thought that's what we'd been witnessing for many decades. Is that not the whole political game in our country?

Pious and sanctimonious sentiments descended like the Durban rain. I was reminded of Auden's:

In the nightmare of the dark

All the dogs of Europe bark

(Substitute anything for Europe).

Two things come to mind. One: just the matter of perspective. Two: why is made to sound as if the Phoenix community is entirely made up of mass murderers? 

Yours in the struggle for perspective.

Richard 

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Saving the zebra

 I learned from TV news that Covid is responsible for an increase in teenage pregnancies. That's at odds with what my biology teachers taught, but who am I to argue?

Political promises dominated the rest of the news, so my mind drifted inexplicably to fables and fairy tales. Here's one I heard in southern Africa.

In a green, pleasant land

lived various animals, ruled by the vultures. Why vultures? It's a fable.

The cruel, selfish vultures took most of the land for themselves and made absurd laws, restricting the movement of all other animals. This was particularly hard on the zebras, who loved to run free. They became weak, sickly and dispirited.

A band of noble hyenas overthrew the vultures, to the delight of all the other animals. Noble hyenas? Its a fable, for Pete's sake. Besides, if you're South African, that's not the most bizarre thing you've heard today. Hlophe and Mkhwebane have been nominated for the Chief Justice role.

The hyenas introduced regular leadership elections and promised many good things. The champagne taste of freedom was in the air.

However, as often happens in fables, a shaft of gloom penetrated the light. The hyenas secretly sold large tracts of land to humans, who slashed and burned. Some of them fed off the older zebra and the young. The animals were outraged.

At election time, the hyenas were contrite. They would deal with all rogue hyenas through several hyena committees. Had they not fulfilled some promises? Would they not fulfill many more? Some animals were placated. One of the hyenas could not resist nipping at the calf of a zebra. 

The party of the red-breasted squawkers loudly proclaimed that this was nonsense. They held the keys to the land of free things. To the zebras they said: "Your white stripes are the cause of all your troubles. We will rid you of them."

And, for emphasis, they marched around, hurling insults and curses at the white stripes.

Then all the animals chimed in, until the very hills reverberated with baying, howling, barking and hooting

But some of the animals quietly wondered:

"Who will save the zebras?"

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Slow Learners

 "Tune in for a saga of lies, scandals and corruption", urged the TV voice. 

I dutifully tuned into the news. It was an advertisement for a soapie, instead. Well, they're going to have to up their game to compete with South African news broadcasts.

I vaguely recall ANC claims that 85% of households have been  electrified. Questions about the sources of statistics aside, I suppose it's an achievement over 27 years. What I do know is that the ANC has kept 100% of households electrified  with their shenanigans.  Comedy, family feuds, pillaging, crime, bizarre utterances and more, kept us transfixed. 

Cliches and acronyms  have flown thick and fast - RET , WMC, BBEE, BEE, Integrity,  revolutionary, our people decent jobs etc. Fortunately, most have proven to be

 meaningless, so please don't weary yourself deciphering them. 

By the by, perhaps I'm being cranky, but can we not set up a presidential press briefing where one can actually hear the questions being asked? It's in the little things, said Aristotle.

The president reassured us that the ANC is now learning from a past they are not proud of. I've heard of slow learners, but 27 years.... Still, Mr President, I'm sure that your party will muddle through. It's possible that there are some slow learners among the voters, too.

In other news, a city official bemoaned the poor work of housing contractors in a residential area.

"If a contractor builds shoddy houses", he said. "He should not be given another opportunity".

Ja, well, I don't know.

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Censored

 A social media contact from Iran told me that he was having trouble accessing my blog. Later he messaged again to say that he'd found out why. Iran, he said, was blocking and censoring.

I responded with the calm demeanour that maturity brings. After I'd thrown out the Persian rugs in a rage and torn up my air ticket to Tehran. One learns to rise above pettiness.

On the same day, a South African online magazine followed suit. They had invited me to submit articles but about four articles down the track, this was forwarded to me:

"The satire articles we are getting from ***** seems to be getting some negative comments…

This may eventually cause a stir in the political arena…

I am of the view that put a moratorium on it to protect the publication sector"

Such interesting bedwet..., sorry, bedfellows.

Good people, the whole point and purpose is to cause a stir in the 'political arena'. That does read suspiciously like: "We really don't want to upset some people." That kind of cow.., pardon, cautious approach is not unusual. Unnecessary, perhaps, as it's unlikely that the ones we fear offending actually read. Apart from the classics and the government gazzette.

Interesting bedfellows indeed.

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723