Race You To The Bottom

Dear Mr Lesufi

I, too, will never apologize to racists. 

In fact, I spent this very morning looking for racists not to apologize to. A fruitless search, but judging from what I see on social media, they are, like the aliens, among us. I will also not bow to right wingers. Which is why I insist that my Spur spicy wings be taken only from the left side of the free-range chicken.

I am sure, sir, that what is spoken in Eskom's darkness, will be revealed in the light of the karpowerships or whatever comes next. 

I am in total, harmonious agreement with you. Bugger the racists. Apologize to Afriforum instead. I will accept your apology, as I am almost a member of Afriforum, just as I am almost a member of the EFF, DA, ANC and about two dozen other interesting organisations. I try to keep an open mind. Almost? I was on the point of posting my application form when I heard alarming rumours of assassination threats. You may have heard something? A journalist friend at The Daily Sun is checking this for me. Also the two dozen plus organisations. 

I must mention that I admire the calm, restrained tenor of your communications. I am filled with serene confidence and hope for education in hands such as yours. Being of a similar calm, mild disposition and between jobs, I am available to assist you in your dealings with racists and non-racists. My salary expectations are modest by New Dusk standards. As you can see, I like to keep an open hand to complement my open mind.

I can relate to the excerpt below, from a news report:

"The MEC states that he is under regular attack from various sources and that his utterances should be viewed against such background," 

 I too, am under attack from various sources;  mashonisas, bank managers, insurance salespersons and other sinister types among them.  We have much in common. 

Yours in the struggle against racism and intemperance. 

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

A Lighter Shade Of Grey

 

Jolly election song, to the tune of A Whiter Shade Of Pale 

They dance a fierce fandango

Turn cartwheels around the facts

I am getting kinda seasick 

But the crowd yells out for more

It is getting so much harder

And sanity just flew away

Then I thought I'd have another drink

But someone stole the tray

And so it was that later

As the politician told his tale

That my face, at first just cloudy

Turned a lighter shade of grey

They said, 'Listen to reason'

But the truth is plain to see

So I wandered through the history

And could not let it be

Some three hundred and more parties 

Will be vying for my vote

And although our eyes are open

They might just as well be closed

And so it was that later 

As the campaigner told his tale 

That my face, at first just cloudy 

Turned a lighter shade of grey

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

Music to get you into the election mood:

They asked me how I knew

My party was true

Oh-oh-oh-oh,

 I, of course, replied

"The pledge that they have signed

Cannot be denied"

 (Ooh, ooh, ooh)

They said, "Someday you'll find

Loyalty is blind"

Oh-oh-oh-oh

When the braai's on fire

You don't realize

Smoke gets in your eyes

I ignored them

As I made my mark

To think they would doubt our crowd

Yet today, my bunch has gone astray

The ink has hardly dried

Now, laughing friends deride

Tears I try to hide

Oh-oh-oh-oh

So, I smile and say

"As the braai flame dies

Smoke gets in your eyes"

Smoke gets in your eyes

Smoke gets in your eyes

Smoke gets in your eyes

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

For What Does It Profit...

 Call me naive (I prefer 'innocent').

I hear persistent, ridiculous rumours of our country having been sold for a plate of vegetarian  curry. That's absurd. No meat! For a mutton curry, one might momentarily consider trading a very small piece of unused municipal land. 

There has to be a logical explanation. Here's my best shot. The gentleman in question was reportedly made a pastor by some men of the cloth. Moved, no doubt, by, if not the spirit, then some spirits. In the enthusiasm of the moment, he may have read of Esau's giving up of his birthright to Jacob, in exchange for a meal. It's possible that he merely got the direction of the transaction slightly wrong. A perfectly understandable slip twixt cup and lip.

Such trade-offs are nothing new in South Africa. For all the talk of socialism and dialectical materialism, hated capitalism and the despicable profit motive are alive and well. Indeed, fat and flourishing. We are a world leader in futures trading. Even now, while election promises fly like great flocks of Kimberly flamingoes, some continue undeterred to trade our future for gourmet meals. Or sushi and tripe.

Our politicians are deeply concerned for the poor. I imagine that it hurts each time they chew on another morsel of the fat of the land. I bet it irks to have  bodyguards, free travel, expensive accommodation and other irritants thrust upon them. They're probably muttering in their restless  sleep: "That money could have gone to development" It's tough up there. No, more accurately: it's agony.

In the courtroom scene of A Man For All Seasons, a former friend betrays Thomas Moore for advancement to Attorney General of Wales. 

"For Wales? Why Richard, it profit a man nothing to give his soul for the whole world ... but for Wales!" 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

A World In One Country

 Like the president, I am shocked. Indeed, shell-shocked. 

My analyst, Dr von Schollenhofen von Eltern unter den Tannenbàumen, diagnosed PTSASD (post-traumatic South African stress disorder). Curable only by nine holes of golf.

It's been a week from hell. Taking politicians hostage is bad enough. Stupid, of course. Who, in their right minds, would pay a ransom for a South African politician? But to attack a Shisa Nyama owner! Cold-blooded brutality. That's the last bastion of service delivery in South Africa.

Elsewhere, scenes reminiscent of Blackhawk Down, as alleged Somali traders burn taxis. Mr Cele was on the scene in what seemed like seconds. The US, the UK and other less-developed nations (than ours) tend to have the local chief constable, police chief or commissioner respond in such situations. We send in the big hats..., I mean, big guns. That's why we are so far advanced. In all sorts of things.

I was present and saw a group of dubious-looking fellows with firearm bulges in various places. They were shaking with what could have been mistaken for laughter. I knew that it was fear. It's working, Mr Cele. It can only get better. It can only...

We are streets ahead of the US. They have the mafia (which doesn't really exist) and various crime corporations. In South Africa, you can hire a disposable hitman at Black Friday rates all year round.

Makes one proud to be South African.

To those hysterical alarmists who interpret the recent avalanche of disasters as meaning that the barbarians are at the gates, I say: "Don't be ridiculous." The gates are firmly locked. 

The barbarians are safely within.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Going To The Dogs

 

• Dear SIU, Hawks and Other Crimebusters

People say that South Africa is going to the dogs. While self-respecting dogs may bridle at that suggestion, it did spark off an idea. May I, in all modesty, add, a brilliant idea.

We've long known that dogs can sniff out explosives, drugs and accelerants. Now, more excitingly, there are indications that they can also sniff out various illnesses and diseases.

What is the greatest threat to the stability and progress of our beloved country? Corruption, of course. It's been described as an epidemic. Applying the superior logic gained from observing EFF leadership, corruption can therefore be categorised as an illness. 

I suggest that we begin training corruption-sniffing dogs forthwith. While dogs sniff armpits for disease, I imagine that our canines would focus on the stomach area. One would expect a richer, riper scent than that emanating from other ailments. 

With an eye to our EFF comrades on the ground, I suggest that we don't use the popular European breeds. The use of German Shepherds, Belgian Malinois, English Springer Spaniels could lead to accusations of racism and neo-colonialism. Bruno is a Wentworth, Durban - born dog of uncertain, but indisputably South African origin. He already shows great promise, having seen off several election campaigners in fine style.  I see him as a pioneer in this new war on corruption. A sort of first among equals.

I'm working on the tender proposal, with other local dog owners and trainers. We will be needing a veritable army of trained canines. Just a hunch.

Yours in the out-of-the-box approach to the grim struggle against corruption.

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Blah Wars: The Search For The Jedi

The Ancites can make things disappear with a wave of the hand. Or flourish of a pen. 

I thought that I had at last found the mystical brotherhood of the Jedi. But all was not well. The dark side was strong within them. Rumour was that many had gone over. Planet Zuma, Planet Ace and many of the stars that had once made up the Republic now seemed to lie in darkness and confusion.

I sought out the rebel leader, General Seeyisee, With his strong convictions and vast army of clones, the general may have held hope for the Republic. But, as Yoda would have put it: 'Strong the force could be in him, but darkness there is. Contradictions too many, there are. Flip-flopping and the anger strong. Afraid I am that he is vulnerable to the temptations of the dark side.'

The blue army of the Defiance Alliance wielded their light sabres with great skill at times. Then, at others, they tripped over their own feet. Falling down and falling out often just as they seemed about to rise to the occasion.

Throughout the Republic, many other parties lay claim to the Jedi heritage. Many are untested or have discovered the power of invisibility, sometimes spoken of in hushed tones among believers.

The search for the Jedi continues.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723