My Kingdom For An SUV

Dear Mr Malema

I find nothing unusual or untoward in your giving that king chap a Mercedes. A vehicle fit for a king. Had you given him a BMW or Toyota Corolla, now that would have been questionable. 

I think this fits quite nicely with your party's commitment to the needy. The king needed a vehicle, befitting his status. As king and one-time prisoner of conscience. Nice fit with dialectical materialism, too. This entire situation arises out of material needs. I am sure that there also some dialectics involved.

You looked quite royal yourself, in the recent pictures taken at the deeply moving handover ceremony. Rightly so. Your minio..., I mean, your followers have no questions about VBS, Ratanang, deals, tenders or your cartwheels and contortions. The sort of dum.., pardon, blin..., pardon, traditional allegiance that is the monarch's due.

Should you be seeking more kings to bolster the brand, let's get in touch. After all, 2024 is not far off. I am distantly related to the large King family of KZN. I am willing to wield my not inconsiderable influence. Of course, one needs a reliable SUV for that sort of work. 

The king scoffed at the ridiculous notion that this was a bribe. Things have come to a pretty pass if we can't accept the word of a king. Good grief, it must be at least as solid as that of your average South African politician. (A friend says that they are very average).

Yours in the struggle to restore dignity to the monarchy and the commoners on the ground.

Richard

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Brew

Dear Advertising Standards Authority 

I take strong exception to two beer advertisements currently being flighted on TV. Usually between Uyajola and Durban Gen, neither of which I watch.

In one ad, a gentleman with a suspiciously Scottish accent rudely berates a South African for ordering lime with his beer. While I regard ruining a good beer with lime as on a par with skewering little children, I will defend to the death every South African's right to do so. Ruin his beer, not the other. We don't need our former colonial masters interfering with our freedoms to turn our beer into horse urine. If we so desire.

In the genteel environs of a Wentworth pub, such behaviour would never be tolerated. I can hear the interjections from outraged patrons:

"Who you, bru?"

"Where you from, bru? Newlands East?"

"Ekse, how you dalaring with a ou having his dop in peace?"

The second ad, clearly blatantly false advertising, tells me that there's gold in my beer. Many quarts, crates and blinding headaches later, guess what? There may well be barley, hops and water aplenty. The fake diamond rush in Newcastle was a roaring success by comparison.

I intend to sue for the usual: mental anguish, loss of opportunity and other stuff I'm checking Google for.

Should the brands involved offer a year's supply of beer in a shameless attempt at bribery, I will be incandescent with indignation. On the other hand, one must sometimes do the pragmatic thing for the furtherance of world peace and other stuff. I would let it slide, while reluctantly  letting the beverage slide down my throat.

Yours in the struggle for human rights.

Richard 

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Reporting From Kakistan

Dear TV News Peoples 

Zuvedzai. This is Kakistani for 'Hollo'.

I am newly arriving in your pretty country. Very nice. I am well knowed television news reporter in Kakistan. Much news like your country. Good news and bad news, very same as yours.

The reason I am correspond with you is seeking employment as TV news reporter. My English is not so beautiful yet but I see is not supremely important on your English news. I am rapid learner and will soon be speaking like the queen. I have already learn much from your reporter in East Cape. I also willing to learn the funicular and do reporting therein as well. I am abling to rapidly scoop up languages.

I have inclosed some videos of my news reports I done in Kakistan. People are saying that the Kakistani accent is sexual like the French one. I am sure that your viewers will enjoying. 

Oh, by the road, I have working permit from friends at Homing Affairs. Good peoples. They come outside to help me and fees was sensible.

I noticing that quality of your news is, as we say at home, kak. This is Kakistani for excellence. (Kakistan mean 'Place Of Excellence' in English).

I am glancing forward to hearing from you with speed. 

Yours in the struggling for excellence in news and communications.

Richard

(One more things: I am also renouned back home for the writings on bottom of screen.)

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Grateful Dead

Dear Home Affairs 

According to TV news, a gentleman is struggling to prove that he is alive because your records have him down as having departed this vale of tears. 

I feel for him. I also go with the Chinese notion that crisis equals opportunity. His crisis, my opportunity. I herewith, hereby and forthwith apply to be declared dead until further notice. This would give me a respite from creditors and other stressful life issues. My WhatsApp and Facebook status will be edited accordingly.

Please do not respond with the standard government issue stuff about the difficulties involved. I have done my homework. This gentleman is not the first. You have handled the recording of deaths with great efficiency and aplomb. Could we please proceed without delay. 

I am sure that many politicians and public servants would benefit from this service. There are whole departments in the state apparatus that have shown no signs of life for some time.

One issue troubles me. A gentleman complained that he cannot travel. We live in a woke world. Why should the dead be discriminated against? I don't see why any dead person, with appropriate documentation, should not be allowed to travel where the spirit moves him / her. I am willing to take the knee for that. Or go full length. The Grateful Dead have never suffered travel restrictions. Racism? Yes we, in South Africa, are cemeteries ahead of the rest of the world with our DEE practices (Dead Employment Equity). It's been reported that dead people have voted, drawn salaries and won tenders. Proud to be South African. Let's just fix the travel thing.

 

I will notify you when I am ready to rejoin the living. Assuming, of course, that the rehearsal doesn't transition  into opening night in the interim. 

Yours in the struggle for some peace, if not in life, at least in temporary death.

Richard 

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Revolutionary

Dear Revolutionaries, Populists and Assorted Politicians  

Like you, I am deeply interested in revolution and the sweet, succulent fruits thereof.

I recently came across some truly revolutionary concepts,  which my revolutionary fervour compels me, dear comrades, to share forthwith. After all, an epiphany for one is an epiphany for all. 

You may well be unfamiliar with these, so I plundered the Oxford and Cambridge for definitions. The sloganeering and placard waving is all rather old school. And, let's face it, as ineffectual as urinating in a howling gale. This is cutting edge without actually cutting anyone. Much as one hates to admit it, many of the revolutions, to which you look, have had less than stellar outcomes. I think it was the poet Ernesto Cardenal, himself a real revolutionary, who wrote of the horns on the revolutionary beast evolving into dictators. Of course, some of us will never accept the capitalist fables about failed revolutionary states. Go to any of the model states and see the sheen of joy and optimism in the eyes of the citizens as they gleefully queue for bread.  Hang onto the dream - even if it becomes a nightmare for others. 

But, to business. Hold onto your stylish, South American, revolutionary headgear for just a few of these startlingly revolutionary concepts:

Service: the action of helping or doing work for someone.

Competence: the ability to do something successfully or efficiently.

Statesmanship:   the ability or practice  of a statesman, wisdom and skill in the management of public affairs

Humility:  the quality or state of not thinking you are better than other people; freedom from pride or arrogance 

Humanity: the quality of being humane; benevolence.

It may be that an absence of some of these causes the seeds of dictatorship to germinate out of the revolutionary soil. But that's for the scholars. 

As you gleefully embrace this novel approach, don't feel obliged to thank me. Anything for the Cause.

Some struggle to process this stuff. That's the problem with counter-revolutionaries. So conservative.

Yours in revolutionary fervour.

Richard

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Now You See Me

 Out of South Africa, always some comic relief.

'Two suspected criminals, who were carrying muti they believed would make them invisible while stealing from supermarkets, were caught by members of the Reaction Unit South Africa on Sunday.' | @WitnessKZN 

Dear  Suspected Criminals 

Three times thank you:

1. For one of the heartiest laughs I've had in a long time. Rivalled some of the Zondo Commission sittings, Mr Zuma's philosophical musings and Ms Mbete's Al Jazeera special.

2. For proving again that no matter how bad a day one's having, someone's having a worse one.

3. For confirming for me that I am not the dumbest person in South Africa.

The quest for invisibility is not new in South Africa. Politicians were quite successful during the July unrest. Councillors have mastered it between  elections. Mr Cele's had mixed results. I don't know of anyone who's pulled it off in your line of work.

Dear SCs, there are some technical questions begging to be asked:

1. Did you sanitize at the entrance? That would have been a significant clue. Did invisibility kick in only once you were strolling down the aisles?

2. Did people avoid walking into you? That might just possibly have told you something. Or did they bump into you occasionally?

3. We've heard of products flying off the shelves, but how did you plan on dealing with the reactions of shoppers?

4. Were your clothes included in the invisibility cover or were you planning a Capitec approach? Come to think of it, that may explain the nude romp by the lady ìn that bank.

5. Why did you not perform a simple test first? For example, find a suitable person and administer a resounding klap. Their response would have told you all you needed to know.

These questions are, of course, in the interests of scientific research. Also, to assist others who may want to do an alternative trolley dash at, say, Game, or other great retailers. Please respond when your busy schedule permits.

I do hope that you find your muti supplier, after an appropriate period of reflection and meditation. He owes you, at the very least, an explanation. Unless, of course, he has perfected the formula by then.

Yours in the grail-like quest for invisibility.

Richard

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O Tichmann 

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Politically Incorrect

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I have a cynical friend. He said recently that our election results were the equivalent of the Romans voting the barbarians in - time and again.

Ridiculous, right? I mean, barbarians loot, pillage, rape and murder, among other time-honoured pastimes. You don't see any of that, do you? I'm considering cutting ties with him. He's so politically incorrect. Just as I've cut ties with Rupertists, Gordhanists, Stratcommies, WMC puppets (indeed, all puppets, including Chester Missing), counter-revolutionaries and 1652 settlers.

He said that many South Africans are like groupies for Darth Vader, the Joker and Leatherface (something to do with chainsaws and forestry in Texas). As I don't watch soapies, I had no idea what he was talking about. It was like being at a political rally. Far removed from reality.

He went on to say (between my stifled yawns), that we have a trash wish. We will not be content until we hit the slimy bottom of the trash heap (probably just below Zimbabwe). I was rather hurt, as I have good friends in Zanu PF. We are, said he, like a poorer version of Bafana Bafana: comfortable with losing, refusing to learn, passionate about mediocrity.

Being of a cheery, optimistic disposition, I could listen no more. I tuned in to Uyajola for some uplifting content. Some people are unbelievably pessimistic. We have Msholozi, Carl, Dr Ace, Julius, Hlaudi, Mr Manyi, the two Andiles and many other heroes. What could possibly go wrong?

Yours in the struggle for...something.

Richard 

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O Tichmann 

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