Blunderland

 "Gang of robbers storms army base, steals tanks and armoured vehicles."

At the rate we're going (downhill), this fictional report isn't as ludicrous as it seems at first reading.

"The robbers went on to rob, then flatten a couple of nearby shopping malls. The president was shocked and had to be revived with smelling salts from a certified BBBEE supplier. Mr Cele said that police would work day and night to establish whether the robbers had valid licenses for the army vehicles. Also whether there was a link to allegedly racist killings that occurred recently." (Report by MERDE: Mann Establishment for Resolving Dire Emergencies).

It is going to be well nigh impossible to write fiction about South Africa. There is no more disbelief to suspend willingly. Anything is now possible. And probable. Alice in Wonderland was a sober, academic treatise by comparison.

This follows reports about the storming of a police station in Limpopo (where else?). The number of robbers waxed and waned from thirty to ten, depending on which report one read. A spokesperson with a genius for stating the blindingly obvious contributed the following:

'Services at the police station were temporarily affected during the armed robbery.'

It probably would be a little awkward to continue writing out affidavits with a gun to one's head.

"The SAPS can now confirm that the police station is now fully functional and accessible to members of the public.", 

Not sure I'd be burning with eagerness to seek their services after that episode. 

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Wild Country

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I have a friend in Kakistan. The stories he tells are barely credible.

Lately though, they have become so bizarre that I fear he is lying or losing his mind. I want to recommend a good analyst, Dr von Schollenhofen von Eltern unter den Tannenbàumen. I don't know how to approach my friend and would value some advice. Judge for yourselves.

During municipal elections, he says, some of the provinces voted overwhelmingly for the very party they have been protesting against. Not even a month later, they are again protesting about service delivery.

It gets more surreal. Apparently two candidates convicted of crimes were voted into top positions in one district. Now, in our country, we would not even allow them to stand. A bit  like electing Bonny and Clyde as sheriff and deputy, isnt it? Even in Kakistan, that defies belief.

Despite my best efforts, I couldn't help howling with laughter at this story. Two of their nominees for the vacant chief justice position are facing impeachment. He was not amused when I suggested that they canvass the local shebeens and taverns for likely candidates. Did I go too far? He mumbled sulkily that they are no longer in the running. "Ah, that makes it ok, then", I said, manfully hiding a smirk. "Proves that commonsense is in abundance in your country."

There were stories of corruption, depthless incompetence and the most exquisite buffoonery. I won't repeat those here. They are almost pornographic in the way that they violate everything that makes us better than slugs.

Apparently their new councillors are not expected to have basic computer skills. Papyrus is freely available. 

I rest my case. We've had democracy for twenty-seven years and which South African, in his / her right mind, could believe this fermented garbage?

Yours in the struggle for truth. 

Richard

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My Kingdom For An SUV

Dear Mr Malema

I find nothing unusual or untoward in your giving that king chap a Mercedes. A vehicle fit for a king. Had you given him a BMW or Toyota Corolla, now that would have been questionable. 

I think this fits quite nicely with your party's commitment to the needy. The king needed a vehicle, befitting his status. As king and one-time prisoner of conscience. Nice fit with dialectical materialism, too. This entire situation arises out of material needs. I am sure that there also some dialectics involved.

You looked quite royal yourself, in the recent pictures taken at the deeply moving handover ceremony. Rightly so. Your minio..., I mean, your followers have no questions about VBS, Ratanang, deals, tenders or your cartwheels and contortions. The sort of dum.., pardon, blin..., pardon, traditional allegiance that is the monarch's due.

Should you be seeking more kings to bolster the brand, let's get in touch. After all, 2024 is not far off. I am distantly related to the large King family of KZN. I am willing to wield my not inconsiderable influence. Of course, one needs a reliable SUV for that sort of work. 

The king scoffed at the ridiculous notion that this was a bribe. Things have come to a pretty pass if we can't accept the word of a king. Good grief, it must be at least as solid as that of your average South African politician. (A friend says that they are very average).

Yours in the struggle to restore dignity to the monarchy and the commoners on the ground.

Richard

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O Tichmann 

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Brew

Dear Advertising Standards Authority 

I take strong exception to two beer advertisements currently being flighted on TV. Usually between Uyajola and Durban Gen, neither of which I watch.

In one ad, a gentleman with a suspiciously Scottish accent rudely berates a South African for ordering lime with his beer. While I regard ruining a good beer with lime as on a par with skewering little children, I will defend to the death every South African's right to do so. Ruin his beer, not the other. We don't need our former colonial masters interfering with our freedoms to turn our beer into horse urine. If we so desire.

In the genteel environs of a Wentworth pub, such behaviour would never be tolerated. I can hear the interjections from outraged patrons:

"Who you, bru?"

"Where you from, bru? Newlands East?"

"Ekse, how you dalaring with a ou having his dop in peace?"

The second ad, clearly blatantly false advertising, tells me that there's gold in my beer. Many quarts, crates and blinding headaches later, guess what? There may well be barley, hops and water aplenty. The fake diamond rush in Newcastle was a roaring success by comparison.

I intend to sue for the usual: mental anguish, loss of opportunity and other stuff I'm checking Google for.

Should the brands involved offer a year's supply of beer in a shameless attempt at bribery, I will be incandescent with indignation. On the other hand, one must sometimes do the pragmatic thing for the furtherance of world peace and other stuff. I would let it slide, while reluctantly  letting the beverage slide down my throat.

Yours in the struggle for human rights.

Richard 

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Reporting From Kakistan

Dear TV News Peoples 

Zuvedzai. This is Kakistani for 'Hollo'.

I am newly arriving in your pretty country. Very nice. I am well knowed television news reporter in Kakistan. Much news like your country. Good news and bad news, very same as yours.

The reason I am correspond with you is seeking employment as TV news reporter. My English is not so beautiful yet but I see is not supremely important on your English news. I am rapid learner and will soon be speaking like the queen. I have already learn much from your reporter in East Cape. I also willing to learn the funicular and do reporting therein as well. I am abling to rapidly scoop up languages.

I have inclosed some videos of my news reports I done in Kakistan. People are saying that the Kakistani accent is sexual like the French one. I am sure that your viewers will enjoying. 

Oh, by the road, I have working permit from friends at Homing Affairs. Good peoples. They come outside to help me and fees was sensible.

I noticing that quality of your news is, as we say at home, kak. This is Kakistani for excellence. (Kakistan mean 'Place Of Excellence' in English).

I am glancing forward to hearing from you with speed. 

Yours in the struggling for excellence in news and communications.

Richard

(One more things: I am also renouned back home for the writings on bottom of screen.)

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Grateful Dead

Dear Home Affairs 

According to TV news, a gentleman is struggling to prove that he is alive because your records have him down as having departed this vale of tears. 

I feel for him. I also go with the Chinese notion that crisis equals opportunity. His crisis, my opportunity. I herewith, hereby and forthwith apply to be declared dead until further notice. This would give me a respite from creditors and other stressful life issues. My WhatsApp and Facebook status will be edited accordingly.

Please do not respond with the standard government issue stuff about the difficulties involved. I have done my homework. This gentleman is not the first. You have handled the recording of deaths with great efficiency and aplomb. Could we please proceed without delay. 

I am sure that many politicians and public servants would benefit from this service. There are whole departments in the state apparatus that have shown no signs of life for some time.

One issue troubles me. A gentleman complained that he cannot travel. We live in a woke world. Why should the dead be discriminated against? I don't see why any dead person, with appropriate documentation, should not be allowed to travel where the spirit moves him / her. I am willing to take the knee for that. Or go full length. The Grateful Dead have never suffered travel restrictions. Racism? Yes we, in South Africa, are cemeteries ahead of the rest of the world with our DEE practices (Dead Employment Equity). It's been reported that dead people have voted, drawn salaries and won tenders. Proud to be South African. Let's just fix the travel thing.

 

I will notify you when I am ready to rejoin the living. Assuming, of course, that the rehearsal doesn't transition  into opening night in the interim. 

Yours in the struggle for some peace, if not in life, at least in temporary death.

Richard 

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O Tichmann 

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Revolutionary

Dear Revolutionaries, Populists and Assorted Politicians  

Like you, I am deeply interested in revolution and the sweet, succulent fruits thereof.

I recently came across some truly revolutionary concepts,  which my revolutionary fervour compels me, dear comrades, to share forthwith. After all, an epiphany for one is an epiphany for all. 

You may well be unfamiliar with these, so I plundered the Oxford and Cambridge for definitions. The sloganeering and placard waving is all rather old school. And, let's face it, as ineffectual as urinating in a howling gale. This is cutting edge without actually cutting anyone. Much as one hates to admit it, many of the revolutions, to which you look, have had less than stellar outcomes. I think it was the poet Ernesto Cardenal, himself a real revolutionary, who wrote of the horns on the revolutionary beast evolving into dictators. Of course, some of us will never accept the capitalist fables about failed revolutionary states. Go to any of the model states and see the sheen of joy and optimism in the eyes of the citizens as they gleefully queue for bread.  Hang onto the dream - even if it becomes a nightmare for others. 

But, to business. Hold onto your stylish, South American, revolutionary headgear for just a few of these startlingly revolutionary concepts:

Service: the action of helping or doing work for someone.

Competence: the ability to do something successfully or efficiently.

Statesmanship:   the ability or practice  of a statesman, wisdom and skill in the management of public affairs

Humility:  the quality or state of not thinking you are better than other people; freedom from pride or arrogance 

Humanity: the quality of being humane; benevolence.

It may be that an absence of some of these causes the seeds of dictatorship to germinate out of the revolutionary soil. But that's for the scholars. 

As you gleefully embrace this novel approach, don't feel obliged to thank me. Anything for the Cause.

Some struggle to process this stuff. That's the problem with counter-revolutionaries. So conservative.

Yours in revolutionary fervour.

Richard

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O Tichmann 

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