Fragrances For Africa

 Dear Santa

Word on the street is that our president is sorely in need of a pair of big, brass balls - for his Christmas tree. Thought I'd get that request in early.

I notice that your popularity has waned in South Africa over the years. You are, after all, a white male with a penchant for undocumented forays into sovereign African states. On the positive side, your travels leave no carbon footprint. Reindeer dung is biodegradable and probably makes excellent fertiliser. You also come bearing free gifts, unlike the pre-election T-shirts and braais that carry a high, hidden cost.

I'd like our cabinet ministers and politicians to be of good cheer during the season of peace and goodwill. When they sneeze, or pass gas, well, you know what happens to the whole country. Hence my feverish, online search for the perfect gift.

The Le Humaine range of fragrances is the gift for the politician who has everything else. Please bring a plentiful supply of each of these fragrances:

Humilitè: Beautifully understated, subtle fragrance with the quality of a fresh breeze.

Le sens commun: No cloying, flowery notes here. A clean, honest fragrance that one either loves or hates.

La compètence: A strong, pleasing fragrance, just a small bottle of which lasts more than 27 years. 

La compassion: A deceptively gentle fragrance that lingers on for a surprisingly long time. 

We are desperately in need of something clean, fresh and lasting. Elsewhere, the answer may be blowing in the wind. Here, it's more than a hint of decay and decomposition.

Yours in the struggle for peace and goodwill.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Bugger The People

At our much-loved Home Affairs department I experienced again the power of the BTC approach to service. For those unfamiliar with government's cutting-edge service model, it's short for Bugger The Customer.

This trickles, or gushes, down from the overarching BTP value - Bugger The People. I am sure that you are at least familiar with the ubuLongwe (manure) philosophy

 uMuntu nguMuntu ngokuganga ngaBantu. Roughly translated: I am a person because I can mess other people around. 

Walk up to this department and you enter a bad forgery of one of the famous paintings of hell. People in various stages of discomfort, tiredness, boredom, anxiety and hunger queue endlessly. Scurrying about like little demons, are people selling places in the queue and everything else from chairs and overpriced photos to black pens. A gruff security person directs some who have been queuing for an hour into a new queue. 

Confusion reigns within and without as mysterious directions are given on each step of the highly classified process. Thank goodness for those who have gone before. That's  the only uBuntu in evidence. They helped fill in the pieces of the dreary puzzle. 

While the Home Affairs we know and love fulfilled all my low expectations, I was surprised to see similar scenes played out at a well-known retail store. Pensioners played musical queues as cashiers would suddenly disappear like the decuplets or a famous lawman. It might have helped to announce: "I've run out of cash. Please be patient. Back in ten hours." Then again, why spoil the fun of playing Guess What Happens Now with a little communication? 

There are three pillars of customer service excellence (call me for details, if mystified). They are not confusion, communication chasms and queuing for pleasure. But perhaps this service, in true BTC vein, is regarded as A Great Favour. 

Not much has changed. As in the good old days of Hendrik, John and Pieter, the poor, the powerless, the vulnerable are thoroughly disrespected. It's probably so worldwide. 

We're just so very, very good at it.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

July Morning

Dear Mr Sitole

Great performance at the SAHRC commission. 

I like the subtle distinction you made between not wrong / right and true. 

(Regarding the allegation that you were nowhere to be found during the July unrest)

 "It may not be wrong but it is not true."

Deep, philosophical stuff, sir. Reminded me of Pilate's "What is truth?" I think I can dimly see where you were going. Example: it's true that some services are dismally led, but it's not right. Am I on the right track, sir?

Like a good police commissioner, you led us, Sherlock Holmes fashion, through the keys and clues to the mystery of your  whereabouts. I have tried to unravel the matter as carefully as one may analyse a many-layered Shakespeare text. 

Here, South Africa, is what happened:

1. A person might have been looking for Mr Sitole

2.That person might not have found him

3. Because that person might have been looking in the wrong place

4. Where he wasn't 

I think that Uriah Heep foresaw this event - their song, July Morning (almost untouched):

There I was on a July morning 

I was looking for him..

I was looking for him in the strangest places

There wasn't a stone that I left unturned

I must have tried more than a thousand places

But no-one was aware of the fire that burned..

But, of course, they were the wrong places. You'd think people would know to look for a national commissioner in the right place. 

 

"But everyone who was looking for me during the unrest found me and could access me. Secondly, starting with my phone, it was on and I confirm it was not on silent."

I think you meant everyone except the misguided souls above, their mournful cries, I imagine, echoing eerily. Instead of just calling you on your mobile. Maybe the horrendous airtime costs..

Sir, it gets a bit murky further on and I think you should have stopped earlier.

"And the whole communication system of SAPS that is activated during an operation was activated and no one was found to be looking for me. Even the community [CPFs through a community activation plan], could access me and we communicated."

You don't see a teeny contradiction? 

Then again, you concluded quite nicely and succinctly:

"I don’t want to dispel the fact that there might have been people who were looking for me but all those who were looking for me at the right place did find me." 

Couldn't be clearer.

Yours in the struggle for crystal clear communication.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Learning From Looters

 Dear Mr President 

It must be tough being you. 

Even Bra Joe, who deals with pollution, fast food, traffic and municipal police daily, and needs Procydin to get through the day, doesn't have it as hard.

I bet you bury your head in your hands each time Mr Fu.., sorry, Fixit and other cabinet members open their well-oiled mouths. That's a lot of head-burying and some say you should bury them instead. Deep. I do understand your 'eendrag maak mag' approach  (unity is strength). It's a tradition dating from the fabulous days of the brotherhood  / broederbond. 

The advice you are getting is probably of similar quality to the pre-unrest / insurrection intelligence. One look at your cabinet suggests that. Listening to their dialogue, an  outlandish mixture of Orwell, Kafka and the Marx Brothers (Groucho, Harpo, Chico, Zeppo, Gummo and Karl),  strengthens the suspicion. Seeing things that have fallen apart, now decomposing as well, confirms that.

It must be deeply depressing doing a SWOT analysis. Here's some decent advice. 

Let's look at what is working well in South Africa (appreciative inquiry). Looting springs to mind immediately. Now what lessons might we learn from looting?

1. Focus. Don't sweat the small stuff. In the gritty language of the mining fraternity: "Kyk noord en v@#$ voort"

2. Vision. Dream big. 'Millions are for wimps. Billions or bust.'

3. Boldness. Best expressed by Macbeth's witches (lightly retouched):

Be lion-mettled, proud, and take no care Who chafes, who frets, or where conspirers are. Comrades shall never vanquished be until the Lord himself shall come.

 

4. Choose your friends wisely. From Hamlet:

Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel..

5. Productivity. Kipling retouched:

 If you can fill the unforgiving minute, with sixty seconds worth of looting done...

6. Know thyself. Rapio ergo sum - I loot, therefore I am 

It's worked for them.

Yours in the struggle for wisdom and direction.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

 

Eine kleine Nachtmusik

 To the tune of 'Stand By Me'

In the night, Eskom

When the land is dark

And the moon is the only light we'll see 

Oh I feel so betrayed

All the bills that I've paid

And there's no

Electricity

Oh darn it, darn it

Can't you see 

All the misery 

When there's no 

Electricity 

If the lights that we depend upon

Should flicker and fail

Or the fridge ice should tumble to the floor

I can't grill, I can't  fry

There's no coal for the braai

Oh. darn it, darn it

Can't you see

Oh, the misery

When there's no

Electricity 

Darn it, darn it

Can't you see

It's misery 

Misery 

Forever we're in trouble

 When you drop the ball

Damn it all

You're a schmuck

And we're stuck, stuck with you 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Fighting Corruption

 Dear Mr Kaunda

You vowed, not so long ago, to fight Corruption. 

I'm checking in to see how you're doing in the early rounds. I'm sure that you are stripped down to your boxing shorts (tasteful ANC colours). 

The ANC, the Don King of South African fights, have been promising action-starved SA fight fans this match for many years. One rumour has it that you ducked out of a July date. I don't believe it. 

Apparently you have some of the most experienced corner -men / corner-persons in the fight game. The name Gumede has been bandied about.

A plus-factor is that your opponent may not be in prime condition. He has been seen dining (some say pigging) in various places in KZN. He remains, however, a cunning, ruthless opponent. His skill at hanging onto the ropes and using every inch of the arena is legendary. He also has a crowd of raucous, fanatical supporters, who don't care what dirty tricks he resorts to in and out of the ring. Bought, some say. Brain-dead, others say. He did take some stinging blows in recent fights but his resilience is also legendary. Apparently he loves fighting in KZN and has been heard to say that the thickly humid climate suits him to a T.

You do realize, sir, that his stable-mate, Incompetence, has also been in training for years. You cannot claim the undefeated champion's belt until you've beaten both. Nothing short of a knockout will do. 

I'd suggest that you skip the touching gloves, sir, and get down to it. KZN waits.

Yours in the guts - and - glory struggle.

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Buggered

I thought this was passing strange until I read of the election of the Ethekwini mayor and his team:

"Zambian pastor James Sakara asked to be buried alive so he could come back to life in three days like Jesus. He didn't make it. Police have arrested the believers who helped bury him." https://t.co/NlDvHaOf9m

The voters appear to have done the same thing for KZN and there is even less hope for a resurrection. Not in three days. Not in three years. Unfortunately, the democratic process does not allow for the arrest of those responsible.

Past performance is an excellent predictor of future performance. The not-so-new mayor, it is widely said, did not cover himself in glory during the July unrest. Ms Gumede, on the other hand, say some, covered herself in....something else. And the voters are now hoping for what? It's like paying to watch a new production of Faustus in the hope that it will end differently

One could shoot oneself in the foot by accident. Clumsy, painful, regrettable. But to follow up by shooting oneself in the butt defies explanation. Perhaps it's the Durban poison. Or a variant of the old 'Natal Fever' virus. It couldn't be that we're that dumb, could it?

Someone said, on social media, that KZN is @#$%ed. That's going too far.

Buggered, yes.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723