Last Train For The Coast

Dear Fellow South Africans 

Do you also suspect that commonsense, decency and truth 'caught the last train for the coast' in our country? And we were not even at the station to see them off.

Didn't get there, of course. The railway sleepers had been stolen. The train had been set alight and the province was in flames.

Our television programmes are sure proof. Some wise soul was dispensing advice today on how to cope with steeply rising costs. Apart from stating the obvious, as is customary, he advised: "Don't buy luxuries."

Dear man, it's not the luxuries that people are struggling with. It's the bloody necessities. Unless you consider paraffin, bread and maize meal as luxuries. I rather doubt that my fellow residents are agonizing over which brand of Swiss chocolate to buy, as they stare in horror at the shelves in the local supermarket. Call it a hunch. 

A 'political commentator' listed the shortcomings, blunders and failures of the (barely) ruling party. He then went on to say, in essence, that there are no alternatives to said ruling party. What a useless piece of commentary. "They're destroying the country. We need to let them continue. They just maybe might self-correct before the last bits are gone." (My prècis). Arrant nonsense and an insult to the intelligence of South Africans. "This inferior, dubbed version of 'The Three Stooges' is the best that South Africa and South Africans can do." My advice, Mr Political Commentator: "Go back to standup comedy."

Adding insult to insult were some SALGA people. We don't throw money at problems. We throw words. SALGA guys, if a full grown adult, in a position of trust, is happy to wallow in a mud bath of incompetence, corruption, buffoonery and slothfulness, all the training in the world will not change that. It's too late. All the king's horses and all the king's men can't fix that malodorous omelette. There are other opportunities for them in the big, bright world. 

I don't understand why you need to reinvent the wheel, horse and cart. We've all heard of budgets, goals, objectives. We all know how performance management works. Just do it. And allow those who can't, to depart for their happy places. We don't need more conferences. We don't need a deluge of clichès and platitudes to rival the retching of a reckless clubber the morning after.

We just need, even in this late hour, for officials to shut up and work.

Some commonsense, please.

Yours in the heroic struggle to retain a grip on sanity.

Richard

 

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Kaunda and Klitschko: Fighting Mayors

Dear Mr Kaunda

In South Africa, we often underrate our own officials. To test this, I did a comparison between Vitali Klitschko, mayor of Kyiv (Ukraine) and you, Mr Kaunda,  mayor of our own  Durban.

With war at his front door, Klitschko is not fleeing his city. He is standing. You also stood during our difficult time in July 2021. You stood with Zuma. According to testimony you gave about your fascinating Twitter activity.

Klitschko is a former boxer and clearly still a fighter. You vowed, not so long ago, to fight corruption. I imagine that makes you, too, a fighter of sorts. Though, you are still to land a blow of any significance in your bruising battle.

Incidentally part of your testimony was that police were stretched. I suppose it was stretching it to expect you to do something about it. Hmm, let's see. Ah, maybe call in some help? That's what comrades are for, right? I think there may be some other law and order forces somewhere in the country. You know, like the Yanks call in the national guard? But maybe it's unfair to ask that of you. After all, you were only a mayor with a mayor's responsibilities and powers.

I have an idea that may sound ridiculous at first, but what the heck. Nothing wrong with some creativity. Why not have an exhibition match with Mr Klitschko in the near future. It would be wonderfully symbolic of your looming battle with the Goliath of corruption. I suggest bare knuckles to emphasize the bruising nature of that encounter. What a colourful, inspirational metaphor for the common struggle of mankind for a better, cleaner world. You could teach him something about the fighting spirit of our KZN officials. Should it go the other way, with your getting slightly moered, that's also good. A few bumps and bruises for your city and your province. Its what we've come to expect from our fighting ANC representatives - taking one for the team.Klitschko was nicknamed Dr Ironfist. We could do something colourfully Durban-appropriate for you. Dr Papayafist? Dr Stickyfist (humidity)?

You like, sir?

Yours in the struggle for government that stays and fights for the good folk of KZN.

Richard

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Spasibo, Loyal Comrades

 Dear Comrades in South Africa

Zdravstvuyte. 

In this historic hour, I, Mikhail Donorovsky, send revolutionary greetings.

I know that many of you stand with us and the oppressed peoples of the world. 

You are aware of our   peace mission to Ukraine, with our usual entourage of 190 000 soldiers, some armour and planes for the odd, symbolic fly-past. The purpose was to reassure Russian patriots suffering under the Nazi jackboot of heroin-addicted politicians that we stand with them in their hour of horrific suffering.  Inevitably, Western warmongers and their media running dogs twisted our peace initiative into a gross invasion narrative. We believe that the

crack-smoking, swastika waving criminals shelled their own cities in a typically provocative, defamatory ploy. 

We know that you South African comrades see through such CIA-inspired ruses.

One day soon, God willing, the Soviet giant will rise again from slumber.  Sorry, I forgot momentarily that we don't believe in Comrade God. Comrade Vlad willing. 

On that note, there were some  beastly myths and lies spread abroad by the diseased, decadent western propaganda machinery about the glorious Union. One was that citizens were not allowed to leave. Of course they were. But any citizens desiring to leave the socialist paradise for the brothels and drug dens of the West were clearly not in their right minds. We did what any caring government would do. We sent them into rehabilitation for their own safety. Pravda, in those days, was full of letters of gratitude from rehabilitated citizens.

There was also the lie about the party elite living in luxury while citizens suffered. You know that, like your own party,  we drive (fully armoured) Mercedes Benzes for the people. We drink vodka with their lips. 

There are no depths of decadence, depravity and deceit to which the enemies of the revolution will not stoop. Spasibo for clear-eyed, clear-headed comrades like you.

We are thankful for your unwavering support and loyalty in these difficult times.

Yours in the revolutionary struggle.

Misha

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Bloodymir Putin

 Dear Mr Putin

Inspired by our foreign minister's bold statement about helping ease tensions in Ukraine, I decided to add my two roubles' worth. Before the rouble falls further. 

I notice that the international media make no mention of our sterling efforts. Typical of the EAMC media (European and American Monopoly Controlled). 

A friend calls you Bloodymir Putin. 

So you set in motion an episode of murder and destruction, euphemistically called 'war', 'occupation' etc.  That's  no reason, I told him,  to be rude and insulting. After all, you are a leader on the global stage. One with vision. A sick, warped vision, to be sure. Still a vision.

Some say, Mr Putin, that you were put out by the notion of having NATO playing camping in your backyard. Others aver that your nocturnal emissions are all about resurrecting the glorious Soviet Union. One understands your nostalgia for convivial bread queues, jovial secret police and the comforts of Black Sea dachas for deserving comrades.

You have done what any reasonable megalomaniac would do. Slaughter hundreds or thousands of men, women and children while tearing a sovereign country apart.

Your propaganda needs work. (You should  talk to our guys). 

'Genocide and nazism'? Which only you are privy to? From a president with Jewish roots?And after years of tolerating 'genocide and nazism', I imagine you one day woke to hear a voice say: "Arise Vlad. Kill, destroy." (I know that you Chosen Ones tend to hear voices). You have no intention of occupying or compelling by force, you said. Okay, that clearly explains the some 190 000 troops, armour, explosions and killings. 

You will be pleased to know that you have some diehard supporters in SA, regardless of what you do. Even if you quartered their grandmothers, they would still support you. Who can argue with that Russian charisma, unassailable logic and a history of glorious advances in the spheres of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

I believe that what you really need is a good analyst. I recommend Dr von Schollenhofen von Eltern unter den Tannenbàumen. He helped me enormously with Post Traumatic South African Stress Disorder. He can help you with what ails you. Maybe.

Yours in the nostalgia for past glories, blood and fire.

Richard 

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Let Us Ease Your Tensions In Ukraine

Dear Messrs Putin and Zelenskyy

Good news. Our minister of foreign affairs, Ms Naledi Pandor, announced that South Africa is working on easing the tensions between Russia and Ukraine.

Being the global (intergalactic, when we find life further afield) player that we are, I am confident that you feel a draining away of tension at that announcement. Those knots in the shoulders are surely smoothing themselves out.

We are renowned for easing tensions. We like to begin, like charity, at home. You might like to model your conflict resolution on the framework we employed in 2021 to deal with tensions within the governing party. It all culminated in some intense but fruitful exchanges in July. We are now easing tensions within the security cluster, as each component modestly refuses to take credit for fuc..., sorry, defusing the situation.

The framework is slightly scorched. Still useful.

Mr Zelenskyy, I believe that you will identify with and get on very well with our politicians. You were a comedian too. 

Gentlemen, you are surely familiar with the best-selling book on conflict resolution: 'Getting To Yes'. We could write one called 'Getting To Maybe'. Some of our tactics and techniques, revealed for the first time:

1. Ignore it. It will go away or someone else will sort it out. We are applying this to several challenges.

2. Rename it.

3. Reblame it.

4. Bounce it from state of the nation address to state of the nation address.

We have much more in our toolbox. We could discuss over a glass of Stolichnaya once all tensions have been eased. With our willing assistance.

Yours in the struggle for global peace, harmony and other global stuff.

Richard 

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Total Onslaught to Total Collapse

Dear Mr Mbeki 

A few hundred metres underground, a mining supervisor once showed me some dodgy looking supports.

"Aren't you going to replace them?" I asked.

"No", he replied. "They're all we've got. Hard to get replacement timbers. We'll just live with them for another year. Else this roof will collapse."

You can tell, sir, that this is a fictitious bit of nonsense. Much like your comment about South Africa collapsing into chaos without the ANC. Cooked in the same kitchen, so to speak. An equally dangerous fiction to believe.

We understand that it's hard to impossible to find good ANC stories. (The R350 ice cream empire one is dubious at best). It's like looking for something heartwarming in the horror section in a DVD rental store.

The liberation narrative you guys used to dine out on fizzled, when we realized that it was just a plantation name change. Different overseers. No whips. Still the plantation.

Everything that can be broken has been broken. That includes promises, oaths, laws, codes written and unwritten.

Everything that can be looted has been looted. We are left with clichès, songs, slogans and excuses. Bags of wind.  The only mystery that remains is: what will be broken and / or looted next?

That brings us to the oldest trick. Bring out the bogeyman. It used to be swart gevaar and rooi gevaar. From 'total onslaught' then to 'total collapse' now. Shameful.

You are now in the company of intellectual giants such as Jessie Duarte and Jacob Zuma, who also spun that hairy fairytale. We will treat it with the same reverence.

If the ANC can't get off its pendulous butt, let it die with some dignity. Leave off the whimpering and flatulent noises.

Yours in the struggle to wade through manure.

Richard 

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Walking, Killing Machine

Dear Effers

I am concerned for you

If what I've read is not another devilish Stratcom / WMC media invention,  your man sounds like the love child of Idi Amin and that Adolf chap.  When he led you on marches to schools and old age homes, I thought he showed glimmers of being a coming leader. I mean, which other leader has thought of tackling those bastions of counterrevolution beret on. That's courage and innovation right there. 

This stuff about slaughtering people, though. That went out decades ago. Sure, some still try it on, but none of them have lasted. It's disappointingly archaic. I would have thought that by now his fertile, superior logic-filled mind would have conjured up something more appropriate for the challenging times we live in in the beloved country. This is as relevant as a penny-farthing on an airfield runway.

Has he really thought about the practical implications? Garroting is highly labour intensive, as are bludgeoning and the use of machetes. Firearms are costly and require a long period of training. (I have heard that there's the odd clearance sale from various institutions). 

Then there's the challenge of identifying potential massacrees (I know - there needs to be such a word). He would have to compel whites to wear some distinctive insignia. I don't think that's been done before. A battery of tests would have to be designed to confirm whiteness. I don't think anything like that's been done before. 

Then there's the whole issue of mass graves. Guys, are you up to the hard work that entails? I think you begin to see that this genocide business isn't as easy as it's cracked up to be. It's hard enough, even with compliant massacrees.

Here's what had me hanging my head in embarrassment. Did your man really say this?

"I'm not scared of killing. A revolutionary is a walking killing machine."

That comes straight out of one the Vietnam war movies or an American gangster movie. "I'm a stone killer". So much schoolboy testosterone.

Please check if your man is in good heath.

You might also check whether he really meant killing or rather dying. He's confused the two before. Not surprising, what with the spelling and pronunciation being so uncannily similar.

Yours in the struggle for commonsense, sanity and some fertile land.

Richard

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