The Minister Didn't Really Say That?

 Once in  every few decades, like a meteor blazing across the night skies, a truly great intellect illuminates our dark world. 

In South Africa, we have been richly blessed. 

Mr Zuma turned the world of numbers inside out. He did the same for geography, theology and logic. Dr Ace, philosopher, made his mark in many fields of endeavour (oratory, but one). Mr Mantashe discovered hazenile, which powered Wakanda - or something. Ms Sisulu, of robust constitution, transported medicine by something akin to teleportation, I think. Hlaudi (there can be only one), eliminated violence from the news, taught doctors, almost captured the Guptas and did deeds of renown too numerous to mention here. Mr Cele, like Alexander the Great, severed the Gordian knot of crime with one stroke. Follow the tattoos.

I wish that I could 'number them all in the song'. But we live in a land where such riches lie heaped upon the ground, like gems scattered carelessly by a generous Creator.

I find it very difficult to believe that Ms Motshekga really said this:

"Taking mathematics, science and English out of our curriculum would really help boost our pass rate."

If she did, then a meteor is born.

Dr Google was not helpful in my efforts to verify the content of the tweet above. We do know that fake news is the bastard issue of orgies involving the likes of George Soros, bloody agents, Jan Van Riebeeck  and other enemies of the revolution.

There is a certain logic to this idea. Take engines out of cars and planes and it will help boost our safety records. Take the grey matter out of the heads of various politicians (like a soft-boiled egg from the shell) and that will....wait, there could be challenges.

I was inspired to offer up the following prayer (what with it being Sunday):

"Lord, Your ways are mysterious beyond our reasoning of them. What have we done to deserve this cornucopia of creativity, this torrential rain of dizzying invention, this lightning storm of intellectual  brilliance?  We are a humble people. Lest we become vain and puffed up, please, Lord, take it away from our midst. P.S. I am still at the Durban address."

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To Fell A Country

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

Forget what your deceitful history teachers told you. 

Here is a brief insight into what really caused the fall of the  Roman empire.

"Speak, Celsius Bhekus! Wherefore art thou  pale and shaking as a leaf in Winter rages?"

"Great Caesar, my legionnaires grow weary and dispirited. Barbarians and bandits roam the countryside. They grow bolder by the hour."

"Fear not, oh Celsius, for they shall taste  the Empire's wrath. Call me a task team made of mighty men. We shall deliberate for days until this pestilence be past."

"As you command, Great Caesar," hand flopping against his belly in the imperial salute.

"Now, Fixus Umbilicus, what troubles you?"

"Oh, Caesar, our once mighty roads, culverts and bridges are fallen into ruin. The charioteers heed not our laws. They clash together with the noise of thunder in the heavens."

"Fixus, have I not commanded think tanks and commissions for this great task? 'Ere yet this decade fades into the next, all will be well. But Fixus, wherefore weepest thou?"

"Oh, mighty Caesar, am I not Italian? But tears of relief and joy these be." 

Caesar draws himself to his full height.

"Let me have men about me that are still. Tight lippèd men and such as secrets keep. Yond Jacobus hath a full-lipped, fertile mouth. He speaks too much. Such men are dangerous." 

(These original lines were shamelessly cannibalized by one, William Shakespeare).

Enter Celsius, in haste.

"Ah, Celsius, art thou returned so soon? And muttering like one possessed. Thy sweat-stained brow speaketh of troubles new and fears fresh."

"Caesar, we are undone. Barbarian hordes are e'en this instant at the gates."

"What seek they?"

"The usual, sire. Looting, rape and pillaging."

"Ah, then thank I the Roman gods. I feared for an instant t'was a presser that they sought. Here, good Celsius, refresh thyself with wine from Southern Africa. T'is a good year. Et tu Fixus?"

And that, fellow South Africans, is what really happened. 

Yours in the struggle against revisionism.

Richard

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Ms Mkhwebane And KFC

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

Like you, I am horrified at allegations and revelations spilling out of the "Public Protector Inquiry".

To whit: "Her bodyguards were poisoned she claimed but it turns out they ate too much KFC!" This from a tweet. 

This is the kind of conspiracy theory that will destroy this great country. There is no such thing as too much KFC. See the excerpt below from a report of not so long ago

"Premier Sylvia Lucas's office on Sunday defended the use of her government credit card to purchase over R50 000 on fast food during her first 10 weeks in office."

I am sure that, with MS Lucas being a politician of substance and a person of wisdom; discretion and discernment, KFC would have made up a significant proportion of the fast-food purchases. After all, she dispensed this nugget of nutritional wisdom

"We need Powerade for the energy, you know," she was quoted as saying.

It is widely known that KFC has the same beneficial effect. To what else can one attribute the sterling performance of our law enforcement officers and politicians?

This deep-fried Southern delicacy played a role in a revolutionary prison reform experiment. Another excerpt from not so long ago:

"Gauteng Community Safety MEC, Sizakele Nkosi-Malobane, has defended her decision to spend more than R60,000 of taxpayers’ money treating prisoners to a KFC meal, after pictures of her handing out the food went viral on social media, according to a report by The Star.

Despite many commenters pointing that ordinary, innocent South Africans could not afford the luxury of fast food, Nkosi-Malobane said that the decision was made due to cost factors and to remind prisoners of the benefits of the outside world."

I can see convicted rapists and murderers falling to their knees in repentance at the first explosion of  eleven-secret-herbs-and-spices flavour in their mouths.  I see them turning to charitable works and lives of selfless service.

This gem from Ms Lucas:

"How would we have eaten if we didn't use taxpayers' money?"

Now that deserves a place on a plaque on every ANC wall. And as an epitaph on the tombstone of the Great Liberation Movement.

Spokesperson for the premier’s office Monwabisi Nkompela said Lucas’s spending was “not excessive” and was “totally blown out of proportion”.

Large amounts of KFC can blow things out of proportion, as the many beach-ball shaped stomachs attest.

I am sorely disappointed that the panel did not shine a laser light  on the KFC conspiracy. Yes, yes, there were intriguing e-mails, interesting  cash disbursements, unusual public relations initiatives and other delightful matters to spend many jolly hours on. Still, it's a matter of priorities. When will we wake up to the truth that this country runs on KFC? (Also vegetarian curries, for a while, some say). As long as we ensure that there is a deep-fried, deeply spiced chicken in every pot, all will be well.

We are what we eat. 

I have not been paid in kind by KFC for this article. Therein lies another travesty of justice.

Yours in the struggle for justice and the odd drumstick.

Richard 

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Excrement

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

It is written in Cry The Beloved Country that "there is a lovely road that runs from Ixopo into the hills". 

Not far from that lovely road, an ugly drama played out. A heavily armed gang locked the local police inside their own station yard. They went on to rob a business. A security company intervened but they were completely outgunned. 

When this tale was told, we were, unlike the president, not shocked. The resigned shrugs told more eloquently than words the story of the State of the Nation.

Students burned a classroom because the matric ball was cancelled. Shrug. At least they did not burn down the entire school. Yet. Perhaps the books survived. They could use them in the blackened classroom.

The only relevance that the ANC has from here on, is historical. They supplied, year upon year, the ingredients for this vile stew that we now gag on. The EFF obligingly stir the pot with inconsequential marches, absurd, contradictory yelps and the breathing of fire and slaughter.

Here's what's really concerning and disappointing:

While we crumble, opposition parties play playground games. 

"He pushed me first."  

"He stuck his tongue out at me."

Some media, notably TV news, seem to live on a different planet. A small planet, cocooned from the universe, wrapped in a fog, as it revolves around Party trivia, football and bric-a-brac. You were supposed to be our truth-tellers. Oh, how cheaply you sold out.

Some voters squat on their own doorsteps. Flies buzzing around their heads, they complain plaintively about the noisome mess at their feet.

And as we whizz down the "excrement-coated slide to ruin", we dance like demented dervishes, yell meaningless slogans and spew out nonsensical, racist tripe.

We are in excrement. 

We must get out.

Richard

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Think Like a Hyena

 At least one of the states in that big satan, the US, offers qualifying residents free solar panels and other equipment. 

We, in KZN, have a caring, innovative government. When not engaged in the important business of infighting, they are obsessively focused on our economic and general wellbeing. I imagine that we will soon see a similar offer here.

Some US power utilities offer incentives for people to switch to solar energy. Domkops! Our beloved Eskom, if I understand correctly, wants you to pay for the honour.

Canada paid about 1 400 dollars to people hard hit by lockdown. It was for four months only. Costa Rica paid out about  220 dollars per month. A trifle above our 20 dollars or so, for starting an ice cream business and employing five people. But then again, we don't have oil, like Texas. Just diamonds, gold, platinum and billions redeployed to the accounts of sundry needy, important people. Various countries in Europe implemented, and are now again implementing initiatives to ease the burden on citizens.

It may be that politicians elsewhere have a more humanitarian approach to governing, than do our revered leaders. I doubt it. Politicians are.....politicians. Trump could be mistaken for the long-lost brother of one of our own. 

I suspect that politicians elsewhere know which side their bread is buttered on. They are probably well aware of the power of the people. Despite our chants of 'power to the people ' back in the day, that doesn't apply to our 'think like a hyena' style of politics. 

In South Africa, many voters would applaud our politicians for a job well done, if they disembowelled their loved ones. And offer them a cup of tea as refreshment after their labours.

That is the tragedy of South Africa and much of Africa. Like some ancient cult, we keep feeding these uncaring, tin gods with human sacrifices. And they grow fat up there on their clay pedestals. 

Yours in the struggle against the hyena culture and human sacrifice.

Richard

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Rumours of Terror

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I would have believed the Sandton terror alert more readily if Mr Fraser had issued it. 

This is a man who can spot, from 100 kilometres away, a dollar bill folded into the recesses of a Sealy Posturepedic mattress, or an overstuffed La-Z-Boy recliner.

A clutch of cryptic, sometimes contradictory, comments issued forth from the authorities. One report was about a covert operation poised to pounce on a terrorist cell. Very credible. See July 2021.  My teenaged nephew could have told that trouble was brewing, back then.  Actually, he did: "These ous are going to cause k..k." My teenaged niece could have told of the sinister chatter on social media. Even our neighbourhood psychic, Madam Zuzu, while shopping at Woolworths, heard eerie voices whisper "we see you!" and "ziyakhala!". As for our intelligence agencies, I'm not sure that some of them would recognize a terrorist cell if they stuck a limpet mine on their dimpled butts.

Then there were the usual mindless, knee-jerk reactions from our anti-American, pro-Russian comrades. A sort of tiresome, tuneless bleating like Animal Farm's "Four legs good, two legs better." This one goes something like: "Americans bad, Russians wonderful comrades."  Dear Comrades, if only life were that simple! 

At any rate, my advice to would-be terrorists is: 'don't bother. We have people who have already comprehensively buggered up the country. There's not much left for any terrorist worth his salt to bugger up. 

Yours in the struggle against terrorism and rumours thereof.

Richard

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Leadership Lessons From Texas

 Dear Mr Abbott

Frustrated with the quality of provincial  (state) and municipal leadership in South Africa, I looked abroad for comparisons.

Of course, the governor of the Great State of Texas caught my eye. There was that quaint political chess move that you pulled with immigrants on buses. It was - how does one put this delicately  - most peculiar. Apart from that, I rather like your head-em-off-at-the-pass, get-them--critters-across-the-Brazos, style of leadership. So reminiscent of The Duke at his best.

Sir, you can ignore the immigrants comment. What do we know anyway, being, in the carefully chosen words of your former Great Leader (he of the striking hairdo and dulcet tones), a sh..hole country?

Mr Abbott, if that O' Rourke bloke (heaven forbid) should cause you to leave the mansion, here's an option. You could consult over here. I assure you that you'd feel quite at home in South Africa. There's a distinctly Wild West feel. We have shootouts in taverns, outlaw politicians shooting from the hip and cowboy minibus taxi drivers.

We could use your energy and no-nonsense approach. Don't get me wrong. Our guys have lots of energy. Many spend it dancing, singing and disrupting council meetings at taxpayer expense. You would not put up with such  foolishness. I can see you loosing a warning shot or two into the chandeliers. Or into - perish the thought!

We also have challenges with illegal immigration. We'd love to hear your innovative suggestions. I would not raise the bussing option. People can be a bit sensitive here - when they're not shooting one another.

I am rooting for you, Sir, but should things go south during your elections, you could also go south. 

Yours in the struggle for strong, democratic, sorry, Republican   leadership.

Richard 

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