Sunny Side Up, South Africa

 Positive things about South Africa:

We have a very healthy democracy, with many political parties to choose from. Most of them are crap but it's a nice, wide variety of crap.

Wildlife. Parties galore, crime and high jinks on the  streets, fisticuffs and water jug weaponry among our lawmakers. We have it in abundance.

Low electricity bills. That's because there is no electricity to pay for but let's not split hairs.

There's a reassuring predictably about our politics. One party will  steal and stuff up as if on steroids. Another will make the kind of  vile  noises that would get you, Mr John Citizen, locked up. There'll be jolly marches with potential for getting moered.

Many years ago, a couple of us were half -dragging, half-carrying a very stoned fellow student to his room. He would intermittently jerk upright and yell out some mainly unintelligible phrases. Then he would return to his slumped contemplation of the mysteries of the universe.  This best describes the modus operandi of most other opposition parties.

 

We have a great free press. The 

national broadcaster shields us from grim news by shovelling soccer news, lingering coverage of any available funerals and the minutiae of the ANC's mainly pointless posturing and gambolling.

We will use any excuse to party. A politician in gaol, an overturned beer truck, a robbed cash van, an overturned garbage truck - name it. The Yanks thought the Capitol party was big. You ain't seen nothing yet. There is something  about looting that soothes the South African soul.  Of course, some parties are more equal than others.  There have been delicious tales of a people's party with condoms piled to the rafters, expensive booze flowing like the Nile in full flood and other heartwarming stuff.

We are the true kings and queens of political comedy. Some Immortal phrases:

We all have smallanyana skeletons

I had a shower 

I personally don't find it to be a very bad thing (for politicians  to  lie)

It's van Riebeeck 

It's apartheid 

The people of the Northwest love me

The people of the Free State love me

Eleven thousand billion, five hundred and sixty million thousand....

Innovation. We will never look at the humble couch and the shower in the same way. As Yeats put it:

All changed, changed utterly 

A terrible beauty is born 

And, the cherry on top: there's more, much more to come. 

Bet you feel better already,

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

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1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

The Ghost Of Van Riebeeck

Dear ANC 

People can be so ungrateful and unreasonable.

A family member complained today about the dry taps.

"It's been two weeks. Bloody useless KZN government !"

I pointed out that that was unfair. Last

week it was electricity. Try to keep things  in perspective.  It's also wrong to call our leaders useless. Look at the nice, expensive funeral they gave that celebrity. Makes one feel all warm and fuzzy inside during this time of torrential rains and destructive floods.One looks forward to more of this sort of generosity and compassion in a needy province.

"Always look on the bright side of life", I said, breaking  into a merry tune. "At least you still have air."

"For now", he said grumpily. "Wait until tbey...." He left it unfinished,

and me mystified.

One cannot lay all the blame for corruption, mismanagement, buffoonery, incompetence, decay and disorder at your door. What about the lingering effects of the vile deeds of that foul 

rotter, Jan van Riebeeck, the villanous racist, colonialist swine? I tried to explain this to a friend who'd experienced a home invasion. 

"They know not what they do",  I said. "It's that bastard, Jan. 

He seemed to understand because he turned bright red, clenched  his fists and stared off into the distance, as if seeking some sign of the lingering, malevolent 

presence of that accursed Sailing Dutchman.

Then there's also Apartheid.

The ANC are trying their best. They have conferences, commissions, think tanks, imbizos, indabas and more. What more

can we ask of those tireless warriors who risk their very health on conference food and drink?  Grass burns on the golf course. Call it the supreme sacrifice. Oh, the demands of the struggle!

It's been rotten luck that none of these have made an indent on the problems of crime, rampant corruption, crumbling infrastructure, poverty or the other ten pages of South African misery. But maybe a few more conferences.....

I know of your sterling efforts through the SABC, who cover your exciting, enthralling, inspirational meetings more

comprehensively than they do wars and other catastrophic events worldwide. Thanks to them I am highly educated about ANC branches, slates, positions, acronyms and vote buying. Riveting stuff. 

You have been most consistent and constant.  I heard promises today that I first heard almost thirty years ago.  I love your wholehearted, unrelenting pursuit of the wet....sorry, of the dream.

People need to be realistic. You cannot do anything, oops, I mean everything.

The scuffle continues.

Yours in the struggle against the ghosts of van Riebeeck and Apartheid.

Richard 

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

That Sinking Feeling

To the tune of My Heart Will Go On

Looting corruption

We see you, we feel it

That is just the way you go on 

Scandals and rumours, commissions and hearings

You show you don't give a duck 

ANC, wherever you are

I believe that your kak will go on

Each time you open a door

It's an invite to steal a bit more 

And the plundering  goes on and on 

You can touch it one time

It's stuffed for a lifetime

And never will work anymore

ANC, wherever you are

I believe that your kak will go on

Each time you open a door

It's an invite to steal a bit more 

And the plundering  goes on and on 

You're think there's nothing to fear

And you think that this kak  will go on

We' won't stay forever this way

You are not safe amymore 

And your kak won't go on and on 

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O Tichmann 

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Economic Freedom Fighter

Dear Bankers and Other Creditors 

You know that you are eternally in my waking thoughts.   You will be pleased to know that I even have the occasional sleepless night in your honour.

A looming national disaster, however, has nudged tbis preoccupation  aside. Unbelievable though that may sound. A knowledgeable financial person tweeted that our national debt is in the trillions. At least it looked like trillions to me -  a string of numbers  with the potential to paralyze Mr Zuma.  

Someone kindly simplified by explaining that every man, woman, child (and, I assume, those with unusual pronouns) in South Africa  is in debt to the tune of some R68 000 or so.

As seasoned business people, you know all about prioritising, eighty  / twenty principle and other impressive sounding stuff.  You will therefore understand that my first duty is to service my share of the national debt.

Should you not hear from me going forward, please know that I am manfully doing my duty as an economic freedom fighter for South Africa. It is a time to put aside those things that divide us - debts and suchlike. "In this time of great peril", the small stuff needs to be stuffed into a mattress or sofa while we get on with saving the country.

Please remember that, in terms of Einstein's theory of relativity,  our little matter is but a mote of dust compared to the country's burden. Shall we, in the edited words of the Danish prince, discard it altogether?

Banking on your maturity, broad outlook and patriotism. 

Yours in the epic struggle against strangulating debt.

Richard

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1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

The Dark Side

Dear Fellow South Africans 

Dark forces wrote the letter alleging vote buying during the ANC shindig. 

According to a KZN ANC person, there were fake, false, faceless people behind this bit of skulduggery. Great alliteration. 

It doesn't get falser than that.

Asked if the province would investigate, a Mr Mtolo said:

"We normally do not engage in things that don't exist". (Just occasionally?).

"We do not chase ghosts", he added. Wise approach. They are very elusive, according to informed sources.

Prior to this, a newspaper article told of the 'damning vote buying' letter. The ANC's electoral commission has remained silent over the 'alarming' allegations, said the article. Is there an ever-so-slightly accusatory note here?  A hint of righteous or unrighteous indignation? Methinks the journo doth protest too much? Perhaps I'm being hypersensitive. 

After the dark forces revelation, a follow-up article spoke of 'Confusion as delegate distances himself....'.  One way to avoid confusion is to check. (Remember the decuplets?).  Or has that part been dropped from journalism 101?

Was there some haste to get the juicy tidbit to the presses? 

I did come away with some interesting points to ponder;

1. Star Wars is not just fiction. There are dark forces out there.  In addition to the usual dark force stuff, they also write letters.

2. I need to read newspaper articles carefully. Truth may not necessarily be the holy grail for every journalist.  A sad, sobering realisation.

3. Beware of letters from dark forces. I received a letter from someone purporting to be a creditor's lawyer. The aggressive tone and misuse of apostrophes convinced me that it was one of those dark forces letters. Taking a leaf out of Mr Mtolo's book, I replied that I do not engage in things that do not exist. Nor do I chase ghosts, I added. That should take care of that.

Now, to business. Is vote buying season still open? I am not an ANC member but have many friends who are. I am open to doing some lobbying, if rates are market-related. 

.

Yours in the struggle for transparency and fair remuneration.

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Limericks For Africa

As we stumble and scuffle our way to 2023:

A famous statesman named Zuma

Had a helluva sense of humour

Around him swirled scandal and rumour

But he didn't care and turned not a hair

As he answered 'heh, heh, heh, heh.

A prominent SG named Ace

Was booted out of his place

He's vanished from sight

And try as he might

He just can't get back in the race

A president named Ramaphosa 

Allegedly did up a sofa

The country went nuts

With yohs, ifs and buts

And some said he was mafiosa

There was a  young lady named Dudu 

Who handled Twitter like voodoo

Some were enraged and with insults engaged

But you might as well cuss at a kudu

A minister named Mbalula 

Who couldn't have thought himself cooler

While the roads went to hell

The railroad as well

And  ghost workers chowed up the moolah 

A minister named Sisulu

Waba nenkinga enkulu

She sought the solution

In a palace revolution 

But lacked a strong constitution 

A certain minister, Cele

Like smoking hot pele pele

Chased down smokers and dop

Gave surfers the chop

But real criminals: Oh, what a flop

There was a grootman named Gwede

Who said: "Green energy, merde!"

Give me karpowerships 

Load up coal to the tips

And I'll light us from here to Cape Verde 

A minister greatly inspired

A monument mighty desired

But the people went mad

It turned ugly and bad

As they yelled: "Of your k..k we are tired"

A minister startled the Swiss

And drove them into a fever

She flew over Paris 

Gave their country a miss

Yet somehow touched down in Geneva

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

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Zuma vs Zuma

 Dear Mr Zuma 

I trust that regular swims in the firepool and bracing dance routines are keeping you fit and in unfailing good humour. 

Your enemies in Stratcom, WMC and the CIA, even in this season of peace and goodwill, are hard at their dirty work. My reasonable duty is to warn you, lest Mr Fraser and Mr Manyi have been lulled into lethargy by helpings of turkey and brandy-soaked fruitcake.

An excerpt from the cheeky utterances of someone from the Zuma group of restaurants:

“Zuma is not affiliated or connected with the Durban restaurant in any manner,” the statement read.

Well, thank goodness for that.

“A dispute is in progress between Zuma and the Durban restaurant and Zuma plans to take legal action regarding the trademark.”

It's a bit confusing as to which Zuma plans to take legal action. If not you, sir, I suggest that you engage Mr Mpofu without delay. This is a thinly veiled attack on your former-presidential self. How dare they talk of legal action? Did they seek permission to use your family name? A name that surely rolled off tongues through many centuries. A Zuma must have been present at iSandlwana, administering spear thrusts to assorted redcoats. Or perhaps supervising from a strategically located hilltop. Long before that, too. And they have the barefaced cheek to say that 'Zuma was co-founded in 2002 and Zuma London, the first restaurant to open, remained the brand’s home base.'

It would not surprise me to learn that there are ancient links between the Aztec Zumas and your esteemed family. It's not inconceivable  that one or the other group went slightly off course during a fishing or hunting expedition and landed on the shores of the other. Your bearing and features have often had me wondering. Apparently, the Aztec name Zuma means Lord Frowns In Anger and I imagine that you are, even now, frowning in anger at the insolence of these upstarts.

Sir, I suggest that you register the Msholozi trademark soonest, before Msholozi Restaurant chains spring up in Melbourne, Paris and Tokyo. Just yesterday, I heard a mall Santa going 'Heh, Heh, Heh' instead of 'Ho, Ho, Ho'. You need to register that trademark chuckle, too.

The offending article went on to say that:

'In 2022, Zuma opened a first-of-its-kind lifestyle concept in Mykonos, offering a wider day-to-night experience for guests including DJ sets, a chic infinity pool, floating pool beds and multiple menus for lunch, sunset bites and dinner.'

Let them beat this: In 2009, Mr Zuma opened a first-of-its-kind political comedy concept, offering a wider entertainment experience for all South Africans, including dancing, a unique firepool and multiple high jinks on any given day  No contest.

The Zuma brand is unique and valuable. Your daughter knows this. I would not allow this brazen hijacking thereof.

Yours in the struggle for trademark protection.

Richard

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1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

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