US and Us

 Dear American Ambassador . 

So you claim that we loaded arms and ammunition on a Russian ship. 

First, we resent your interference in our affairs. This is no different from peering  into someone's bedroom while they are engaged in earnest conversation with a member of the opposite sex. Sorry, one of the opposite sexes. Do we go on about  loads of catfish and cornbread loaded on some  vessel in a Southern  port?  Weapons of mass indigestion, if you ask me. (Yes, we too, have our sources).

Second, we do not respond willy-nilly to rumours, even if supported by blurry photographs and vague spy reports. We go by the book. In fact we are contributors to the book. We will Institute a commission of inquiry, as we have done with great success in the past. I refer you to  the Eskom debacle, the state capture saga and many other issues that we have conclusively resolved by this method. We even have a commission of inquiry into the gradual boiling of frogs.

Third, we are a fiercely independent nation. This is why we slavishly adhere to other fiercely independent nations, such as the comradely one near the Bering Sea. 

Fourth, we do not take kindly to being bullied, particularly by arrogant, warmongering western states who do lots of trade with us and provide some grudging support. We do occasionally accept friendly bullying from our socialist comrades. This is because they are virtually family. They would welcome us with open arms, open jobs and open fridges into their non-racial communities. Why, I see us doing a jolly cossack knees-up together around a communal bonfire. Vodka toasts, shouts of 'Za zdorovie' and the chowing down of Russian sausages. Perhaps a martial version of the Jerusalema dance. 

We value integrity and ethics above all, even if it means resorting to the odd episode of subterfuge or hypocrisy to maintain them. We have a saying: 

'The comrade of my comrade is my comrade.'

Though one of our think tanks is still working on the full meaning, it does unerringly guide our foreign policy.  

Our commission of  inquiry will be headed by, not the equivalent of some inarticulate senator from Little Rock, Arkansas, but a judge, no less. (With all due respect to Arkansas senators). Our judges, by virtue of training, experience and the wisdom that comes from sending down scores of cunning villains over the years, have unique insight and abilities. The ability to see beyond potentially misleading paper, electronic and other records to the very depths of a  ship's dark hold, not least among them. Be assured that we will get to the soggy bottom of this unpleasant matter. Doubtless we will find that the cargo consisted of nothing more sinister than nutritious maize meal and equally fine mampoer, both of which Russians enjoy with their caviar or borscht. Oh, there might have been some kudu biltong included. 

No doubt we will be chuckling over this little misunderstanding in about 

six months' time, once the commission has speedily concluded its business. In the meantime  we trust that AGOA will steam ahead. We are sensitive to how great a loss to you our exclusion would be. And we are a 'let bygones be bygones' sort of people. One can clearly ascertain that from the number of thugs, thieves, frauds and looters that we still graciously allow to wander our land in freedom. 

Yours in the struggle for truth and transparency, as well as goodwill among men, women and infants.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Serving the Nation

 Chatting to my friend from Muckistan,  I asked  how things were going in his country. 

He sighed. 

"I'm in an unbelievably long queue at the Interior Ministry,  trying to get some documents. My fourth attempt. An elderly lady just fainted from standing so long in the heat."

"But don't they provide some sort of seating or at least do something to make it easier for the elderly?"

"Oh no, their business is documents, not people. At least when they're not having tea or chatting  about world events. There is an enterprising bloke who rents out chairs for the day. Not everyone can afford that."

 "Is this normal?"

 He laughed. 

"Not in a normal world. In a Dickens novel, maybe.  But it is standard here. All that I can say is that brains are little used while bottoms grow fat."

"That's harsh."

"Not harsh enough for an organisation and a government goes on about 'people first' and Lord knows what other sanctimonious stuff that has buggerall to do with reality. "

"Is it always like that?"

"It's our bread and butter". he replied.

"But surely there are supervisors and managers."

"And?"

"Their jobs are to monitor, intervene, improve. In any normal organisation, the kind of mess you're describing should not become the norm,"

This time the laughter bordering on hysteria:

 "Why do you keep using the word 'normal'? You see there are a hundred ways to improve this process. It's not that difficult. Ultimately all of this or most of it could be done online."

"So what's the problem?"

 "Ah, you see,  ability to do something is one thing. Willingness is another. Actually giving a stuff is still another."

"Do you, ever get to comment or rate the services?"

"My friend,  this is government, not business."

"But you are paying for these services."

 "Yes well, through the international scam called taxes."

"Why do you call it a scam?"

"Can you think of any other investment that you have ever made that gives you such pathetic returns? And, in our case, is regularly plundered by the very people entrusted with its care?"

"Pathetic returns?"

"Disintegrating roads and services , rogues, thieves, incompetents and buffoons in office, crime gone ballistic...You want more?"

"Is the department always so chaotic?"

"Oh no. there are pockets of excellence."

"Really?"

"Yes, some of the employees allegedly provide services on the side for special customers and that is incredibly fast, efficient and lucrative too."

"What?"

"That's a long story for another time."

 "It sounds as if something illegal is going on."

"A sound as familiar as the chirping of birds, in our country. But our government has difficulty hearing, for the noise of their own yapping, farting and belching."

"Ouch! That's to the crotch."

"Where we get kicked regularly by the same muckers."

"So do something about it. You are a democracy after all. You know - will of the people, voice of the people and all that."

"Ha, ha, ha. Let me explain how this works here. We elect these people supposedly based on character and competence.  Great responsibility, great reward. But like you and I, they should be fired when they don't perform or misbehave. But here, they become gods. You don't boot a god up his all-powerful arse, do you? And that, my friend, sums up the entire mess."

"This is the 21st century, not Game of Thrones."

"Oh, we might become  a study for political science students, sociologists psychologist and historians for years to come. Stockholm Syndrome,  masochism, who knows?  This I can tell you: as a people, we have been thoroughly scammed. And we seem to love it. But how is it in your country?"

"Fortunately, we have Ubuntu." 

 

"What's that?"

"A philosophy of humanity towards other people. I suppose you could see it as a vision of a kinder, gentler nation  and country."

"You lucky sod."

"Indeed. Sometimes we pinch  ourselves."

Our conversation was terminated by loadshedding, followed  by the rattle of automatic rifle fire as druglords and their vassals  continued their ageless fueds.

I sat in the dark, contemplating our Good fortune.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Prison To President

Dear Mister Trump.

I was both alarmed and inspired at the dramatic pictures of your  valiant scuffles with New York's finest. 

Of course, it was all AI generated stuff,  I discovered, after having called the US Embassy to protest at your treatment. I bet that, had it been real, you would have shown those lefty minions a thing or two. You did show them a clean pair of heels in one of the pictures. Now that's the sort of president that a modern country needs. Thought in action and action in thought and all that. Boldness in both.

Based on those pictures alone, we would have invited you to take on the role down here in South Africa. After all we elected a chap for two terms based on his dancing ability. You see, we know what really matters in leadership. Unfortunately, our warm, firm, fraternal  friendship with the comrades  across the Bering Sea precludes such an arrangement.  Also many of our people, particularly distinguished Twitter intellectuals, see your country as the Great Satan. Quite a generous and helpful Satan, but a Satan nevertheless.

There is something quite ominous, though, about the timing of those pictures. As Secretary-General of the TWAT group (Trump Will Again Triumph), I thought it prudent to do some precautionary research. This is just in the event that you do end up as a  distinguished guest of the state. Here is the good news. Your countryman, a Mister Debs, campaigned from his prison cell, back in 1920.  He garnered almost 3% of the vote. Now Mister Debs,  with all due respect, was a nobody compared to you. You had the wholehearted support of such patriots as the Proud Boys. I bet that even the Humble Boys, if they exist, would give a testicle for you. Or part thereof. Many solid citizens see you as the best thing since low GI sliced bread. 

I saw the martyred, noble profile of Mister Debs in his mugshots. Picture your own mugshot - determined chin jutting forward, lips pursed to issue commands, eyes gazing at a distant horizon, orange hair in place. What a campaign poster!  A memorable slogan such as 'Stone  walls do not a prison make' would complete the deal.

Mr Lula of Brazil went from prison to president. Mr Mandela went from prison to president. Mr Zuma went from president to prison -  oops, sorry, let's  skip that one. So there is much potential in this prison scenario. If those men could do it, Good Lord, what could not  a determined patriot like you do?  What's more, you would top all those achievements by being the first president actually domiciled and officed

in prison. (There's something about working from home).

 

The drama of your State of the Nation address from a prison cell would be the stuff of Hollywood legend. I see you perched on your striped blanket, flanked by characters with memorable names such as Fingers Finnegan, Machine Gun Malone and Two Ton Tony. Your sonorous 'My fellow Americans' would roll out to a  haunting acapella background rendition of 'We Shall Overcome' and 'Let My People Go'. Cheers and wolf whistles  from your fellow Americans in the institution would raise the patriotic hairs on even bald American citizens. Cameras would capture fervent two-finger and middle finger salutes. Moments to savour and remember. 

Sir we in the city of Durban have been paying a salary of some R45,000 per month, for the last 10 months or so, to a city councilor awaiting trial for the murder of his predecessor.  Proof enough that a prison sentence in modern times is not an insurmountable obstacle for the man, or woman, or trans, of ambition and vision. 

So, there we have it, sir. We can make some sparkling lemonade out of the lemons that are being flung at you.

I am available as a consultant (working from the outside, of course). Fees can be negotiated and you will find me more than reasonable ('desperate' has been used), particularly as I am currently unemployed and engaged in writing real news to counter the flood of fake stuff that you boldly identified some time ago. 

Yours in the struggle fought from within.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Freedom's Just Another Word

 A conversation I had recently with an ill-mannered foreigner. 

"I see you guys celebrated your Freedom Day recently. Hoo ha!"

 "Do I detect a hint of sarcasm?"

Yes well, you guys are not exactly the poster children for freedom and democracy,  or clean government for that matter."

"Say what?"

."Let me put it this way. Which of these freedoms are you most grateful for:

All day queues ending in execrable service by uncivil servants?

Rampant crime that has you gleefully celebrating your freedom behind high walls and electric fences? Your Thabo Beater had more freedom.

 Galloping corruption and buffoonery worthy of The Three Stooges?"

"I can't deny that we have our problems but we do have freedom and democracy."

Yes, almost 30 years of it and you have what to show.for it?"

"Since when have you been so cynical?"

"Ever since I learnt to recognise  Orwellian rubbish for what it is."

 "What do you  mean?"

"Simply that lies are lies, whether they be promises repeated ad nauseam instead of fulfilled, non-performance spun into achievement ot just the standard vomit of cliches and sloganeering."

"And there speaks a guy whose own country is just one banana short of a dictatorship."

"Have you looked around you lately? The family resemblance is getting remarkably close. Your democracy looks uncannily like a dick tatorship."

"What?"

"As they say in your parliament, the dicks have it. You elected the same guys over and over despite the obvious and rapid downward spiral that they are taking you down. What is wrong with you guys?"

"At least we have real elections, which is more than I can say for your lot. We may not all be happy with the outcomes but that's the nature of democracy."

"Sounds more like the nature of stupidity to me. Would you keep on employing the same people who are gutting your company?"

"Hang on now; that's not the same thing."

"Who pays your so-called civil servants from national level down to city level?"

"Obviously the national treasury from taxes."

"And you are perfectly happy to see your taxes squandered by incompetents. thieves and buffoons? That is the will of the people?" 

"Well; there's not too much we can do until the next election." 

"Ah,  five years of freedom to plunder and blunder. What a democracy. So shallow that the roots shake when your ravenous rabbits feed on the green leaves."

"You are being overly simplistic."

"Important principles are simple. Where is the 'for the people by the people'? Or is it the will of the people to be robbed and buggered?"

"Come on, you know that the game of politics is more complex than that.  What would you do?"

"That's your trouble right there. You South Africans still  think it's a game. I'll tell you what I wouldn't do. I wouldn't watch my country gurgle down the toilet U- bend to the sound of mindless singing and dancing."

"Bloody hell! I thought you called to congratulate me on Freedom Day, not depress me to the brink of self-harm."

"This will cheer you up.  Something I cannibalized from 'Me and Bobby McGee' specially for your happy celebrations:

Busted flat in every way

Sliding down the drain

Future faded as a dream

We'll just keep on drifting down 

Hey, it's not as bad as it may seem

Freedom"s just another word for our turn to loot'         You know we didn't struggle to be poor                       And feelin' good is easy, Lord, in a BMW                    That kind of  feelin' good is good enough for me     Good enough for me and for  my party

"Stick to your day job, karaoke king. Why are you so worked up over what's happening in our country?"

"Elementary, mfo ka Watson. We hoped you'd be the exception. New moon rising over Southern Africa and all that.  Instead you've mooned us with your jugglers and your clowns. Not a pretty sight. Talk about dearly bought and cheaply sold! Oh and, happy Freedom Day!"

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Drink Deep

 "The party where KZN department allegedly offered booze worth R6000 per person",  trumpeted the headline. 

I was outraged. A badly-written headline.

I was also outraged at the amount spent on alcohol by our public representatives. A mere R6000 per grown adult! Why, some of my friends in government, SOEs and the tenderpreneur business spend more than that on pre-dinner drinks.

One must consider the following before reacting with knee-jerk indignation and anger.

1  Looting...,sorry, I mean leading, is hard, thirsty work. It can be extremely stressful. What's the harm in a few drinks or a few dozen drinks in order to relax?  Paid for by the grateful recipients of the excellent service to which we have become accustomed in KZN, and now take for granted.

2  The water in parts of KZN is of dubious quality. An opportunity to hydrate with safer liquids must be grasped with both hands and wide open mouth and gullet. 

3. The wise, profound words of one of our great ANC leaders are burned into my brain as with a hot branding  iron.

"We drink champagne on behalf of the people." Or something to that effect.

 As one of the people, I would hate to think that my representative thought so little of me as to drink cheap box wine from Shoprite or Oxford.  I expect professional representation. In fact, should it emerge that box wine made the rounds at such a party, I may well change my vote in disgust. So if my representative is quaffing Veuve Clicquot or 20 year old Scottish whiskey then honour is satisfied. This is what we expect from our leaders of the people's party. 

I am absolutely convinced that as our leaders imbibed on our behalf, we were uppermost in their minds. In fact I fear that alcohol lubricated melancholy may have cast a gloom over the party. With each sip, they probably remembered unrest victims, flood victims, the poor, and victims of horrific crime and every other ill that besets our great province. 

I could not delve into the detail of this jolly party held by the jolly Party. The online news journal expected me to pay. On principle I will not do that. My own blog is free and provides accurate, unbiased, objective, impartial content.  Of course tips are not only optional but also encouraged, so that readers may experience the warm glow unlikely to be provided by Eskom this winter. Let me assure you that no amount is too small - or too large. Lest you think that this is a shameless plug for my blog, let me also assure you that it's not. It's a shameless plug for tips.

I read that the MEC has stepped down.  I don't know whether this follows unhappiness with the booze component of the party menu. If so, a hasty, ill-advised decision. The R6000 booze per person concept fits in well with the goals and ideals of a  Sport, Arts and Culture department.

Boozing can be regarded  as a sport that knows no barriers of class, race, gender or border fence place of origin. Even our dialectically materialistic  friends, of the EFF, are rumoured to participate with commendable enthusiasm. It is, in truth, the sport that keeps on giving, as it often generates other sporting activities.

To be able to down R6000 worth of booze in one sitting and not shuffle off 

this mortal coil as a result, surely must be regarded as an art of the highest order. 

Booze is an integral part of our culture, despite Mr Cele's best efforts. 

So there you have it: sport, arts and 

culture represented in one genteel gathering. The complete package for a healthy, happy nation.  

My only complaint is that with current liquor prices, it really should have been at least R12000. Consider the horrendous price of Dom Perignon and the hardship that this sort of thing lays upon the already heavily burdened shoulders of our rather poorly rewarded public representatives. Should I be offered the Sports, Art and Culture portfolio, I assure voters that I will lend serious attention to this matter over a Shoprite boxed wine. 

As for the MEC, she should have been rewarded, not castigated. Perhaps with a R6000 booze voucher.

Yours in the struggle to promote 

sport, arts and culture. 

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Zuma, van Riebeeck, History

 Dear Fellow History Buffs

9 April 1652.

Sunlight dances off the waves of Table Bay. Women singing haunting Country and  Southern African songs beat out the laundry on the rocks of a nearby stream. Skinny jeans for the nearby hospital. red overalls and Gucci underwear for  the People's Army.

Jolly  fishermen fill buckets with snoek and mussels,  cheerfully  sharing  with passersby. A gigantic shadow obscures the sun. Sails and the banner of the Dutch East India Company fill the near horizon. Van Riebeeck docks his ships. Oblivious to the friendly greeting calls of 'Howzit', he and his motley, scurvy and syphilis infected crew storm onto the beach. Assaulting all and sundry and grabbing up the fish and laundry, they march into the interior.  A string of Dutch obscenities and curses trails behind them. 'Jouw moer' and suchlike. They blaze a trail of looting, pillaging, rape and murder. Eventually Jan, sated with murder  and other foul stuff, settles down to plant grapes and make a general nuisance of himself. The curses, however, pollute the land to this day. Many a hitherto innocent,  righteous and pure  politician has felt a tug at the heart and cast longing glances at dubious tenders and public funds once being touched by The Curse.  

All of this I learnt from that great repository of accurate, unbiased history, Twitter. To amateur but passionate  and knowledgeable Twitter historians I owe a debt of gratitude. Not only have I been emancipated from mental slavery and colonialism but this approach to history beats the hell out of memorizing the dates of Vasco de Gama's pointless  voyages, eating hard biscuits, flogging the odd sailor and stringing some up from the yardarm. Or stories of Dick King's historic  Durban July win, with his stablemate Ndongeni Surname Unknown, coming in a close second.

I also learnt of how South Africa's greatest president Mr Zuma has been demonized and misrepresented. Under the leadership of Mr Zuma, jobs were created, roads and bridges built and the lion lay down with the lamb. (Only  to snack on him later,:when he arose again). Men beat their mshinis into plowshares. Unfortunately there was no land to plough, because the Curse of van Riebeeck ensured that the land remained in the grubby  hands of his devious descendants, the Abelungu. This cunning tribe still plots and schemes against Mr Zuma around their totem, called The Braai. It is whispered that they offer burnt sacrifices to their gods, Apartheid, Doubleyouemsee and Stratcom, daily. But for their machinations, Wakanda would have been delivered by Mr Zuma.

There are conflicting records of the roles and  deeds of other great leaders. Mandela is seen by some as a hero and by others as the man who signed away the country to the Abelungu. Mbeki is apparently renowned for his agricultural skills and knowledge. He reportedly specialised in the production of beetroot, garlic and the African potato, crops not only good to eat but having remarkable medicinal value. Mr Ramaphosa has a reputation for expertise in the furniture business, the establishment of think tanks, committees and commissions and the preparation of amphibians for high protein nutrition. On all of these matters our Twitter historians cannot come to unanimous agreement. Nevertheless we watch the Twitter Chronicles with bated breath as revelation after revelation unfolds

Incidentally, the arrival of the villainous van Riebeeck  was recorded by a group of postgraduate students at the ancient University Atop the Hill. The recording was done on tablets, which South Africa already possessed long before modern technology developed the present day version. Yes, they were tablets of clay, but what the heck, a tablet, is a tablet, is a tablet. Sadly the ancient university was burnt to the ground by the savage invaders. Upon its ashes was built the erstwhile colonial education 

centre, the University of Cape Town. Of the fate of the hapless post graduate students, little is known.

This is my kind of history, relevant, simple, with tartly refreshing hints of resentment and righteous indignation. Reminds one of a good, earthy box wine from Oxford's liquor store (not the university, a Durban supermarket chain).

It can easily be reduced to a simple formula, guaranteeing a 30% pass for all students, namely:

Zuma  = Very good 

Van Riebeeck and friends  = Very, very bad.

Yours in the historic struggle for a true, decolonised history.

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Lead, South Africa

All is not lost,  South Africa. 

The U.S.,Mexico, Kenya and other countries have been working on what they call a STEM ecosystem. They are trying to ensure that young people have  the science, math, technology and engineering skills that the future will demand. More accurately, that the present demands.

What is so great about that? We have had a comprehensive looting ecosystem running brilliantly efficiently for many years.

These countries talk of collaborating and consulting with all stakeholders. Nothing new to us. Our steakholders consult extensively,  holding their steaks and chops around braais, often sponsored by eager taxpayers. I am sure that discussion around new projects, pipelines and sharing of loo...., pardon, responsibilities, is comprehensive and detailed. Our math skills come to the fore.  'The square of the hype around a project is equal to the sum of the squares of the waiting looters' greed and spin'. Take that, Pythagoras!

They talk of collaborating with business, philanthropists, educators and government. We have been doing that for years. How else could we have gutted just about every SOE? How else could we have so effectively stuffed up municipalities, farms, construction projects and everything stuffable? Not possible without seamless collaboration.

Of course the priorities of these capitalist warmongers are somewhat confused. It seems to be about the young, about people, about the country and perhaps even mankind (personkind?).  Learn from our African wisdom, guys:

Party before people. 

Party before country.

After all one of our philosopher-

 statesmen once asked:

 

"Which came first democracy or the ANC?" 

A chicken  - egg like riddle that would have stumped Plato and Aristotle and even troubled our own ace philosopher, Dr Ace Magashule.  A friend said that we might also ask which came first, EFF or VBS. I warned him not to poke the fierce, red bear,

I suppose that these countries took seriously the notion that the  

security of a country is threatened when people are poorly educated. 

Well, here we are are way ahead of the curve again.  No dumbing down of the country here, with our challenging 30% pass requirement.  Let's remember that the 80/20 principle states that 80% of the results come from 20% of the activities. We surpass that with 10% to spare.  We could comfortably go for a  20% pass requirement, but hey, we're about striving for excellence, pushing that brown envelope, reaching for....something.

It seems that philanthropists also play a role in the STEM ecosystems. Thank goodness that we have the Zuma Foundation and others. So we are uniquely poised to ride the great wave of progress and technology. This is probably why we are a leading producer of intermittent electricity. Interestingly,  some of these initiatives include training young hackers for productive work. Again, we lead the pack. I'm not sure about hacking, but we seem to be able to infiltrate and penetrate anything available for infiltration and penetration.

One's heart almost overflows with the pride of being South African.

So US, Mexico, Kenya and others: who needs your STEM ecosystems?

If we were a boastful lot, we  could say: Ecosystems R Us

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723