The Far Gone Country

The Brits are hopeless at politicking. At least if the recent interview of the leader of their opposition is anything to go by.

How does the man expect to become a political demigod if all he does is to speak quite rationally and sensibly about plans for the economy? One can't worship a fellow who sounds like the bloke next door, or at least a couple of doors up, in the wealthier area. There was no foaming at the mouth, yelling threatening and cursing;  nothing to get the blood pumping  and the heart rate up.  He wouldn't last a week in South African politics.

 

This man missed the golden opportunity to blame the Vikings, the Germanic tribes the Franks, the Dutch  for all of the UK's present ills.  I would have issued a couple of thinly veiled threats to everyone in the UK named Frank, that he / she / they needed to depart for their ancestral homelands.  And leave the UK to the original Celtic people, who dwellt in peace, harmony and prosperity for many long years. 

I just received an email urging me to earn cash from my couch. It was from one of those survey companies that pay ten cents for an hour's worth of survey work.  That reminded me of how creative our own politicians are. They have made advances in banking, real estate, the ultra-modern, multi-use furniture  movement, construction, farming  and any other  endeavour that you care to name. Genuine Renaissance men and women. Our future is bright.  

I wish I could say the same  for your country, Sir Keir Starmer. It's no wonder that we thrashed you at iSandlwana and could probably do the same today with our elite, modern, well equipped military. You may play soccer reasonably well but Bafana would whip your national team on any good night - say one with intense Durban humidity and loadshedding.

I sent the good knight a couple of videos of Mr Malema and Mr Zuma in action. I like to be helpful. Now that's how it's done, sir. I would pay close attention to the dance moves and the stirring lyrics of the Boer bashing song and the one about weaponry. This is the sort of stuff that appeals to the discerning, analytical voter. Of course, if you don't have those in your country, it does pose a slight problem. We have nothing but.

I fell about laughing when I read of politicians in the UK resigning, or being sacked, for mistakes and misdemeanours. Resign - whatever for? (Or, as we'd say here: For who? For what?). There are promotions, deployments and redeployments galore for the loyal cadre. What's a small mistake involving a billion or two, compared to years of unflinching loyalty to the Party? 

These fellows actually forced a prime minister out over a couple of Castle Lites or whatever they drink there. Ridiculous. 

We have a fellow dodg..., pardon, facing over a dozen charges. Many people ask, quite reasonably:

"Where's the evidence?" and

"Why don't you report him at your nearest police station?"

You see, we South Africans are nothing if not scrupulously fair. After all, all that there is to date is a few hundred hours and pages of testimony.  And the condition of various state departments, after his enlightened reign, though that can be traced back to apartheid  - and van Riebeeck. Obviously, that evidence needs to stand the rigours of the trial process before there's any talk of 'proof'. Now that would have happened long ago, but for the state's bewildering resistance to Mr Zuma's reasonable request for a different prosecutor. And illnesses - something no -  one can predict or plan for. Not even, Mr Zuma, who prophesied of the end of the ages.

The other thing that makes the UK lag behind us is the limited choice of parties to vote for. (I tell you that this is what will destroy the US as well). We have over a hundred or over two hundred, depending on what one reads. That's real democracy in action - lots of kak parties to choose from. 

Sir Keir Starmer, those videos are on the way, with a bonus collection of the wise sayings of Hlaudi Motsoeneng, Dr Ace Magashule and Fikile Mbalula. They are a bit short, but dense.

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Tymebank , South Africa  

51090259373

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Mbalulafication

Dear Mr Mbalula 

 

In these difficult times, a good laugh is always a welcome thing. 

 

I just viewed a wonderful video in which you said that the ANC fought load shedding, corruption and state capture. And also creates jobs. 

Sir, it is not wise, sensible, or even normal to boast of all the thrashings that one has been dealt in fights. Worse, you've been thrashed by the Frankensteins of your own inept creation. It was horse manure, but hilarious horse manure. Up there with some of your best performances at the open mic.

 I hope that the ANC appreciates what an absolute ass..., er, asset you are. 'A gem of purest ray serene'. Cometh the election, cometh the man.

 

If these had been school examination subjects, you and your party would have been lucky to score F-minus on each of them. What's more, we will not be allowing you to rewrite in 2024. Demotion to kindergarten is now your best and brightest prospect. 

 

One assumes that you Mr Malema and many comrades attended the same classes in buffoonery. And excelled. Topped the class.

Here are some suggestions to beef up your campaigning. Take a leaf out of the book that your comrades are reading aloud. Haltingly, but aloud.

1. Make subtle threats about  losing grants and the return of apartheid. Via the DA's sinister back door. And where will the ice cream empires come from then?

 

 2.  Expand on the apartheid theme. Remember that every ill that has ever beset this country can be laid at the door of that still - lurking villain. Without apartheid,  there would be no corruption, no inefficiency, no incompetence. Uhuru  and  Utopia would have  arrived long ago were it not for the van Riebeeck legacy. 

3. Don't forget that you now also have Zuma to blame. There is a wonderful treasure chest of stuff that you can lay at his feet. Just be careful to omit that he was an ANC member,  president and your boss. One hopes that we too, with our notoriously short memories, will have forgotten. You must grasp that mkhonto by the shaft. Before your party is shafted.

 

4. You also need to vigorously attack the DA for resisting decolonization of the Western Cape. They have severely impeded the revolution by making it safe clean and orderly.  What clichés, slogans, dances, songs and stand-up routines have they given to the people of South Africa?  None,  I tell you. On second thoughts, in view of their dismal performance in those critical areas, perhaps you should not mention them at all. 

 

5. Don't forget Bafana's terrific victory over Morocco; inspired, of course, by your own performance.  Who knows what would have happened had Mr Zizi Kodwa not  taken the time to coach the team last week?  It needed a comrade to set right what that white coach was failing at. Pretty much the same as what happened at Eskom.

Sir, there's a fair chance that you will take a  bit of a bollocking at the polls but don't let that stop your mbalulaficating. 

As I said, we need all the laughs we can get in these dreary times.

Yours in the struggle for good, South African stand-up comedy.

Richard 

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51090259373

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

The Beloved Country

Dear Mr Musk

 

You should never have left South Africa. 

You would have had a ball here. Of course you would need to share your ball with some BEE partners. Our unions are a reasonable bunch. All that they want is to control the means of production. And, perhaps, a couple of other less important things - like who is in government. That would take a lot of worry off your mind - you know,  rockets exploding on takeoff, that sort of thing. Why, I think that you would have had people on Mars already. 

(Perhaps having some trouble bringing them back, but let's not fret about unimportant details).

Most importantly, you would not have been subjected to the indignity of that ridiculous Delaware judgment. It's almost as absurd as charging Mr Zuma with corruption, racketeering and other fascinating stuff. The man's clearly as pure as the Texas snow. 

Here, in our great country,  you could happily have stored your  fifty-six or fifty-eight billion in a couch. Okay, I know that doesn't sound quite right. Admittedly, you would need several couches, I imagine.  If you had launched your star thingamajig (the internet thing) here, we would have feted you as we celebrate Bafana. Once you had decided, of course, to give all South Africans free access. That's because we get  buggerall

else for free here.

According to reliable sources on X, South Africa is run by a  Mr Rupert, a white fellow.  It could just as well have been you. you certainly have more style and charisma than Mr Rupert,  who never even appears on television.  We like our leaders to have a high public profile. The Guptas at least appeared regularly.  

Of course if the whole Great White Leader Behind The Scenes story is true,  then perhaps you could even veto the sharing of the ball. What's left of South Africa would be your oyster or perlemoen.

There would be a challenge or two. But which country does not have such little challenges as intermittent electricity, incompetence, corruption,  buffoonery in high places, runaway crime,  porous borders, suicidal foreign policy and so on?  Nothing that a man who aims for Mars could not handle. 

You would also have to put up with being called a settler,  land thief, colonialist and other complimentary stuff.  All of these are meant with respect and affection. I wouldn't worry too much. A couple of brown envelopes or black refuse bags tend to settle differences in South Africa. Many conflicts on matters of principle have been effectively resolved in this way.  Mr Liebenberg and Mr Mazzotti,  for example, apparently  gained acceptance and a reputation as fine upstanding citizens, because of their philanthropy.  Bosasa carved out a reputation as an outstanding corporate citizen, after donating cash and groceries to those in need of more.

 

I could list many more advantages. Our consistent, ethical and moral approach to foreign affairs is but one.  Our ability to turn a 350 rand a month grant into a thriving  ice cream business is another. We are working on ways to turn said grant into wine farms and factories. One could go on but I believe that the case has been made. It's a no-brainer. 

On the subject of brains, if your chip can improve government and voter decision making here, it's going to be a major success anywhere. 

Come back, Elon. All is forgiven.

Yours in the struggle for a business-friendly environment where entrepreneurs like you can flourish like the sage in Texas.

Richard 

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Tymebank , South Africa  

51090259373

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Bafana 1, ANC 0

Dear Bafana

When someone  complained that you do not enjoy the same support as the Springboks and the Proteas,  I responded that it is because you play kak.

 (https://thescuffle.blogspot.com/2024/01/bafana-and-buffoonery.html )

You answered most emphatically last night, with a sparkling victory over that top Afcon team, Morocco.

I ate my words this morning, with my breakfast cereal - delicious. I was glad to admit being wrong. Something that most of our comrade politicians would never do.  Not even under threat of waterboarding  or, worse, being forced to listen to Zuma tapes played  backward. 

(Pretty much the same as Zuma tapes played forward, I've heard).

The next time that Mr Kodwa, (minister of sports, arts and culture)  comes to coach you, as he seemingly did last time, you might want to coach him instead.  Lord knows his party  has crying need of some good coaching in self-correcting (an ANC favourite).  You guys did that, cutting out the buffoonery and pointless passing of the ball back and forth, without actually going anywhere.  

They (the ANC) have forgotten what the goalposts look like - if they ever knew.  They have scored more own goals than all the goals scored in the Afcon competition to date.  I mean all Afcon competitions. 

Please give us some more to cheer about in the next encounter.  Heaven knows, we've had little enough these past thirty years or so. And less before that, with team Verwoerd, Vorster, Botha and others. 

Please don't do a Mabena ("Disappoint me again, Mabena!"). I'd like to avoid  tracting and retracting  in successive  articles. Yes I know,  'tracting' is a new word.  So many articles waiting to be written about corruption, incompetence, buffoonery. And tomfoolery, buffoonery and clowning. And....  

This is epecially so, as our next probable own-goal disaster looms at the polls this year. We will, in all likelihood, do one of those useless back passes to the ANC. Or, Lord forbid,  to the EFF or the brand new uniquely South African joke,  MK.

Sorry - pause to recover from uncontrollable gusts of laughter.

Of course, if it's the ANC, expect the usual fumbling and dropping of the ball. Followed by the usual howls, boos and protests from the very fans who voted the team in. There will be calls for changes in team management. Some will opine that things were better under the Zuma team. I suppose the word 'fan' has links to the word 'fanatic'.  A word that rhymes badly with 'common sense' and 'reason'.

Team South Africa, under the comrades, is also moving along in the world rankings. Bound for the Corruption Quarter Finals, according to an item on this morning's news. 'Flawed democracy' was a term used. A foul-mouthed friend asked if there is an 'effed democracy' category. As I abhor gratuitous vulgarity as much as the ANC abhors corruption and deceit, I told him to fu..., I mean, bugger off.

  

Your performance last night was a ray of light amid the usual ANC / Eskom gloom. Winning really means a lot when, as a nation, you've been taking a beating  for so long. Particularly, when the new management team promised so much and carried so many hopes.

Well played, Bafana.

The struggle continues, along with the scuffle.

Richard 

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51090259373

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Love of the Common People

 And you will live

In the love of the common people

John Hurley and Ronnie Wilkins: Love of the Common People

He said: Delores, I live in fear

My love for you's so overpowering 

I'm afraid that I will disappear

Simon and Garfunkel: Slip Sliding Away

This morning I read a comment by Cameron Dugmore that had me pausing in midcook. Actually it was the load shedding.

When a hero of one of the struggles and/ or revolutions speaks, one is bound to listen carefully.  Particularly when one is in the middle of experiencing one of the benefits of that heroic struggle, namely  thoughtfully rationed electricity. Trotsky spoke of a permanent Revolution and I'm not sure whether we are now in phase 6, 7, 8 or 9 of said revolution,  but the scuffle continues. 

Mr Dugmore said that the DA does not like black people.  I Immediately canceled my membership and would advise all people of other than pale or rosy pink hue to do the same. I also sent the DA a message, telling them that I don't like them, too.  It became clear to me that all of the good governance and improvements that they have made are entirely for white people. I stopped using some of the amenities here in Cape Town immediately. (Been on the Peninsula and Winelands tours already anyway). 

 I will instead only use whatever the ANC has provided out of love for the people - SASSA and Home Affairs offices, trains, the house of parliament.... The ANC's passionate love for the people has been clearly demonstrated over these many years. Need I enumerate:

The clean, healthy, safe, orderly environments in Durban and the Eastern Cape, among others.

The wonderfully long queues at government offices,  where one may engage in animated chat and exchange love with fellow South Africans. To be served, eventually, with ubuntu and love by caring civil servants.

The champagne drunk on our behalf (as once explained by an ANC person).

The redistribution of wealth to deserving persons through tenders and various initiatives.

The many,  many wonderful things that they have done to transform South Africa from a deadly dull country to the laughing stock of the world. Still deadly of course.  

The ANC's love for people has been dramatically demonstrated in the case in which they fought so hard and passionately in the International Court of Justice to ensure that people elsewhere have what we have in plentiful supply: 

electricity,

food,

water,

medicine and compassionate medical care,

protection from gratuitous and random violence,

 peace.

What more can one ask, Mr Dugmore?

Some years ago, a gentleman in Zimbabwe was charged with tearing down a campaign poster of Bishop Abel Muzorewa. He explained, that on seeing the poster, he was overcome with love for the good bishop and tried to hug it. A perfectly reasonable, plausible explanation. Happened to me several times. Mr Dugmore's useful, inspirational, purpose-filled comment  again filled me with love for the Party. I want to run out and rip..., I mean, hug some ANC posters and t-shirts. Let my love flow. 

We do know that the EFF overflows with love for all people in Africa. That is, except those who had the bad judgment and malice to be born Indian, Coloured or White. We know from experience, scientific research and wise judgement that such accidents of birth determine whether a person turns out to be a credit to the human race or a blood and oxygen sucking leech on the country's backside. 

Mr Malema wisely associates only with those white people who have demonstrated remorse over past oppression and are determined to make reparations. Mr Mazzotti is a prime example. A simlar symbiosis, I think, exists between Mr Zuma and Mr Liebenberg, that avowed lover of folk of colour. Yes, there is a very small group of white people who are thankfully free of ghastly white tendencies. The record of the two gentlemen mentioned speaks for itself. 

Mr Dugmore, thank you again for that inspirational message. Having just resumed my loadshedding-interrupted cooking, I now float on a cloud of optimism and onion aroma. I shall avoid the DA like the plague, or the latest Covid variant, while making use of the facilities that, in their wickedness, they provided here in the Western Cape.  Had I read your piece earlier, I would have canceled the visit without hesitation. Too late now. Well let's not throw out the baby with the bath water  (though why anyone would do something so careless is beyond me). I shall take full advantage of the clean, safe environment with all its citizen- friendly amenities, while cursing the racist, neo-colonialist wretches in my heart. 

Lots of love, affection and fondest wishes to all the caring, thoughtful comrades in the ANC, EFF, Mkhonto and other struggling (in the good sense of the word) revolutionary  movements.

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

The Air Up Here

 I went camping this weekend. 

It's wonderful to escape the noisy, crowded suburbs to a noisy, crowded resort and campsite. Seriously I'd highly recommend this venue- if I were being paid. As I'm not, it shall remain nameless.

People at the campsite enjoyed themselves with family and friends. There was not a politician in sight to tell them why they shouldn't. Or to point out that the neighbours had a larger tent and more wors.

I am not an experienced camper. My camping family erected the complicated tents and gazebos with a speed and efficiency that would have sent your average tenderpreneur into a dead swoon.

 "Eish! And they're not even being paid. Something is not right." 

I met a West Indian couple once, while out of the country. On hearing that I was from South Africa, they exclaimed:

"Ah, the friendly country!"

I thought that we had gone about decolonising that particular notion over the past decade or two. Aided by our snarling, finger-wagging, fist-waving, nation-building politicians. 

Not so. People tossed out friendly greetings at campsite, pool and even the communal bathrooms. Many called me 'sir' and I wondered whether it was my knightly bearing or the gown and mortarboard from my teaching days. (I like casual, comfortable camping gear).

I wondered whether it was just the Western Cape. But I remember an elderly gentleman in a Johannesburg minibus taxi complaining that passengers didn't greet anymore. I've found that they often do. I recall growing tired, in a Northern Cape town, of returning waves from passing motorists, while sitting out in the  cool evening air. In Durban, you can strike up a conversation even in a lift - provided it's in English or isiZulu. It seems to me that we have not yet sufficiently heeded the inspirational calls ftom our Great Leaders to behave like savage packs of hyenas. Not for want of example from that Honourable lot. 

The exception was a gentleman at the campsite, who chose the late hours to expound loudly and at length on what he planned to do to someone who had clearly upset him. Shades of the State of the Nation address. His superior logic and linguistic ability reminded me of a party whose name escapes me now. His skilful use of the f verb in every sentence was a thing to marvel at. People said that he was inconsiderate. I disagree. It was thoughtful of him to outline the detailed plan. A terrible thing to get f...d up without the benefit of a thorough briefing first. I recall Mr Malema extending similar courtesies to a gentleman at a pap (Pan African Parliament) meeting. He explained to the gentleman that he would f...k him up and kill him outside. Location is important. As is the precise sequence of events.

As is the case with the party mentioned earlier, (still can't get to the name), nothing actually happened, following the yelling, the hot air, the verbal flatulence.

Fortunately, unlike the great party, the man did shut up after an hour or two. How splendid it would be if they, too, would run out of steam in 2024. It is impossible to run a modern country, hungry for peace and progress, on steam alone.

As with all things South African, Big Brother would not be ignored and made his clumsy presence felt with a contribution of two sessions of loadshedding. Even that did not dampen the spirits of the campers. In the dark, a group sang with gusto, Nkosi Sikelel' iAfrika (God Bless Affica). 

Of course, I was delighted that this camping trip took my mind off the absurdities of South African politics entirely.

I salute the campers and the folks who run the wonderful campsites of our country.

Yes it is OUR country, comrades. Move forward, not backward.

Again, quoting Mr Khayyam, with minor tinkering and apologies:

The moving finger writes

And having writ, moves on

Nor all thy thuggery nor sh..t

Shall lure it back to cancel half a line

Nor all thy threats wash out a word of it.

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O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

The Big Lie

The nouveau racists and professional victims in our country would have us believe the following.There is a chasm fixed in our country between people of various hues. So it is and so it has always been. Good resides in one group and evil in the other. It's the kind of arrant nonsense that no adult with a gram of common sense would entertain. Unless they wanted to - for reasons unrelated to truth or reality.

This is no different from the Verwoedian drivel that we endured for so long. With tragic, disastrous consequences. Some of our current social engineers, professional and amateur, even indulge in the same fine distinctions and categorisation as did their Nationalist  role models.

Many people that I and others know, paid the price for seeking justice and equity during the apartheid years. Some paid the ultimate price. And the yahoos spit on their graves. Unlike some of the comrades, I don't see the need to dwell on the details of their struggle (a term now so devalued). Those that lived, moved on with their lives, memories and lessons learned. 

Being black, green or puce of skin does not absolve one from the duties of being truthful, fair and reasonable. Nor is one released from the obligations that go with being a human being worthy of the name. We all know what those are.

This is not a plea for reason. There are those who prefer to dwell in the dark alleys and dingy places where the lust for hatred, revenge and the dubious pleasures of victimhood live, mingle, copulate and breed detestable offspring. Best to forget them there, in the hell of their creation. 

This is merely a comment on the Big Lie that marches through South Africa to various populist tunes. 

I leave the last word to well-known South Africans, quoted in Helen Joseph's book, 'If This Be Treason':

 'The amount of support we received when news of our arrests became public was quite astonishing, certainly far beyond our wildest expectations. 

What is more, that support came from every quarter; black and white worker and businessman,  local and International.....

A fund was set up immediately to raise bail for the accused and one of the great liberal church men of the time Bishop Ambrose  Reese,  then Bishop of Johannesburg, headed the fund. A treason trial committee was set up in Johannesburg to provide legal aid and welfare assistance and its efforts extended around the country.

 Under Canon Collins of St Paul's Cathedral a similar fund was started in Great Britain and was to become known as the Defense and Aid Fund....

I should add that among those who stood bail for us was the late Doctor Ellen Hellman,  a distinguished anthropologist, who was later to become the president of the Institute of Race Relations and the late Walter Pollack,  QC,  a leading member of the bar and a great lawyer. 

Walter M Sisulu

'The trial has been an  inestimable blessing, because it forged together diverse men and women of goodwill of all races, who rallied  to the support of the treason trial fund and to keep up the morale of the accused. 

What would have been the plight of the accused without our Bishop Reeves, Allan Paton, Dr Hellman, Canon Collins,   Alex Hepple,  Christian Action,  Archbishop de Blank,  Archbishop Hurley and all the other loyal men and women without whose help and cooperation chaos would have prevailed in our ranks?

 ... I should like to say on behalf of all the accused that our future course of conduct will justify your help, for in all things we shall be motivated by the noble urge of human unity rather than division and separativeness'.

Chief Albert Luthuli

There is truth.

And then, there is the Big Lie.

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723