Marching to Pretoria

Dear ANC Youth League 

So you marched against crime in South Africa.

I don't suppose that you have noticed that your party is actually responsible for law and order in the country.

So did the criminals quake in their boots as you marched down the street in your bright, canary yellow? Or did they quake with laughter?

One friend says that it's rather like Scotland Yard marching against crime. Another says that it's more like the mafia marching against crime. I, of course, thought that disrespectful and shushed them. When are you guys going to stop clowning, in the midst of a crisis that is devastating our people? Your antics are occasionally funny, but right now, they're just tiresome. With all due respect.

Let's talk frankly. Your minister of police is about as effective as a dead camel in the desert. Less. At least one could eat the camel, at a pinch. We have a minister who piles up those voyager miles Like Anthony Blinken on steroids, scattering the most bizarre utterances,as he flies from press conference to funeral to pointless gathering. Does he have a strategy?  Does he know what a strategy is?

Perhaps I have missed the occasions.

when he laid out crime-fighting plans, dazzling in their brilliance. I have heard him chatter of pretty girls and Zama Zamas, the tattoo peril, the challenges of population growth and other stuff, mystifying, coming from one of such lofty status. Or any adult.

The one sensible thing  that he did say was that the criminals should smell the police. Now that has to be a cutting edge approach to crime fighting. I am not sure what the criminals would smell but I imagine that your average inKabi or other villain would sink to the ground, overcome.

What puzzles me is that Mr Cele has not been promoted yet. Is it not your party's custom and practice to promote people for non-performance or for naughty deeds? Why not an ambassadorial post for Mr Cele? There must be an island somewhere, with a population of fifty that would thrill to his crime fighting philosophy and tales of 

derring do.

As for you, Youth League chaps, if the youth are the future and you are representative of the youth, then the future does look somewhat cloudy. I suggest that you get proper jobs. Do something a bit more useful than tramping up and down the streets. If you like marching so much, there's always the army. There you can march to your heart's content.

We are compassed about with problems and horrors. And your solution is to march aimlessly. I sincerely hope to see you march off into the sunset on the twenty-ninth of May.

Yours in the struggle for meaningful action.

Richard

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

 

Newshounds

Dear SABC TV News People

Time was when you broadcast long, lingering coverage of funerals and quite inconsequential ANC internal meetings. 

I noticed that, in a surge of innovation and creativity, you have moved on to long, lingering coverage of court cases. During one such broadcast, a legal expert was brought in to explain why the accused had not been granted bail. I thought that the judge had already explained that quite well.  But then again, he's just a judge. Perhaps,  like me, he does not understand how critical it is for South Africans to have the matter minutely dissected, like a frog in a school laboratory. Certainly far more important than examining what's going on with the global powers that are threatening to blow us all to smithereens. Or the cancerous politics gnawing at our national innards.

I think that it would be quite useful to bring all that attention and analysis to bear on.

the challenges of crime  and corruption run riot, incompetence  and buffoonery in government and politics, and all that makes our country stranger than fiction. I imagine that normal media companies would regard all of the above as God's gift to journalism. However, you do seem far more intent on reporting on mediocre soccer, mediocre politicians, mediocre politics and the like.

Perhaps I missed your reports but I did not see much about the solar storm

threatening Interruptions to.electricity output recently. Rightly so. We are way ahead of the global curve with our own scheduled interruptions. In fact, at times we cut to the chase and just simply do away with electricity altogether. We South Africans do not fear solar storms. We have politicians.

I see that, in typically fearless reporting style, you dropped the DA flag-burning advertisement. I am absolutely certain that this had nothing to do.with influences from above (I am not sure if that shouldn't be 'from below'). Your decision was surely based solely on patriotism and strong values alone. I am sure that your frequent, nay continuous, coverage of the most irrelevant and insignificant ANC gatherings stems from the same convictions. The unveiling of a solitary tap in a village is indeed of great consequence. After all, how many politicians worldwide can boast of having attended such significant,  ceremonial occasions. I am surprised that our government has never taken the opportunity to invite heads of state and royalty to such ceremonies. Just imagine what that would do for South Africa's image and status abroad. 

I do enjoy the relentless, ruthless way in which you destroy the lying, dodging and kakspeak of many politicians during interviews. Oops, sorry, that was the BBC and CNN. Got a little mixed up with all this news channel surfing. I realized my mistake when a journalist failed several times to point out the obvious during a newscast. Based on much watching of South African TV news, I understand that that's the job of a journalist or a political analyst: state the obvious with as much drama and conviction as you can muster.

I wish you well on your journey of 

fearless news and truth hunting. Should we have a change in government after 29 May,

I hope that that is not too disruptive for you. If you should be forced to do real journalism, that leaves us with only The Daily Sun for light entertainment.

Yours in the scuffle for real news.

 Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Treason

There was nothing unusual about the news. Murders, theft, fraud, arson, bumbling, bungling, blustering politicians and all that makes South Africa a great country to live in.

Then, unspeakable horror, a political advertisement featuring a burning national flag. I fell into a dead faint and only the crashing of gunshots exchanged between local, rival drug gangs roused me. I stumbled to my feet, muttering dazedly: 'Treason'. Then for good measure, I quoted a dimly remembered verse from Hamlet:

"Treachery! Lock the doors! Seek it out!"

"How did that make you feel?" my psychiatrist asked, at our session the next day. 

I shuddered. 

"I've seen people burn the flag during a service delivery protest. I saw a tattered flag hanging from a government building. That was disquieting, but this...." 

I had to have a sip of bottled water, before I could continue. My psychiatrist noted it - for the bill.

"There was something so deeply disturbing about the whole thing. Almost satanic. I fully expected John Steenhuisen to break into eerie chanting, backed by a sinister choir of DA voices."

As I had already shuddered once, I sighed.

"Are you not overreacting just a little? After all, it was a digital image, not a real flag. And it was all a metaphor for renewal from ruin and decay."

"Metaphor, schmetaphor!" I yelled, pounding a cushion. "Did you not read what our president said?"

'The burning of the National Flag in a political advertisement is treasonous. The National Flag is a sacred symbol of our unity and existence as a nation and to burn it is despicable. 

Any organisation that commits such an act, especially in the name of political expediency, is an organisation that seeks to destroy our country, that seeks to destroy our country’s unity and collective identity. People died for the National Flag. South Africans rally everyday around the National Flag.'

"Even as we speak",  I told the good doctor.  "I feel our national unity unraveling. And it was so solid. No more holding hands around the campfire, singing Kumbaya. Now people will be calling one another names on social media "

I buried my head in my hands, stifling a sob.

"I can see it already. People will come up with vile slogans like 'Kill the Boer' and 'One Settler, One Bullet'. Our collective identity is in its moer."

The tweet below, by a PhD titled person, merely deepened my depression.

'The @Our_DA is now showing & celebrating the burning of the South African Flag as part of their election campaign because they yearn for the old apartheid flag that symbolises apartheid.

They are suffering from the Swart Gevaar syndrome.
#VoetsekDA'

That's not quite what happened in the advertisement that I watched. There must be another that this good doctor viewed.

Very perceptive to have detected that subtly hidden yearning for the old apartheid flag. I would have missed that. Ah, the advantages of a good, solid, lengthy education.

I looked up the meaning of treason in law.

'Treason is the act of attempting to overthrow a government or harm a sovereign, usually by a citizen of the country whose government they are trying to compromise. This can be done by waging war against the state or by materially aiding its enemies'.

Yes, I have to say that using a burning flag, (which is later renewed), as a metaphor for the burning need for rescue and renewal of the country does fit that definition perfectly. 

In truth, one could even replace that definition with the description of that dark, dastardly deed by the DA.

 A pity that the death penalty is most unlikely to be reinstated. On the brighter side, corporal punishment will be reintroduced once Mr Zuma again grasps the sceptre of power. (And who doubts that he will indeed do so?).

A bit of public whipping under the flag will surely discourage digital flag burning and similar outrages. It would also restore our unity and collective identity.

I feel better already.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

30 Years On

A TV special looked at our thirty years of democracy and freedom.

I saw an ANC election poster for the 1994 elections:

'Vote for Jobs, Peace and Freedom!'

 One out of four is not bad. We voted.

Someone said that is is important to remember the good things. Good advice. I must say that remembering the good things makes me feel better about betrayal, blundering, incompetence, indifference and corruption. What do you mean: 'What good things?' Haven't you noticed that we have electricity?

Someone else said that we are no longer a country divided, at war with itself. As the harmonious music emanating from EFF, ANC, MK and others clearly indicates. That and the mutterings of so many peacemakers on social media. Anyone listening and reading can tell that we have conquered racial disharmony, resentment,  victimhood and attendant ills that lesser countries struggle with. We have uBuntu. Even our many unsolved murders were probably committed in a spirit of goodwill to all.

We are no longer an international pariah, added someone else. Yes, but we're trying hard.

'According to JICA, Japan recovered from World War II by 1955, as its per capita GDP returned to pre-war levels. However, Japan's economy experienced rapid and sustained growth from 1945 to 1991, a period known as the Japanese Economic Miracle. By the 1960s, Japan had become the world's third-largest economy, after the United States and the Soviet Union.'

'Germany took around 20 years to fully recover from World War II. The reconstruction process was long and difficult, with millions of people homeless and unemployed. In the early years, the focus was on basic necessities, such as food and shelter. As the economy began to recover, more attention was paid to rebuilding the country's industrial base'.

But you can't compare us to the Germans and Japanese. They had advantages. Raw materials imported from us, foreign aid. I suppose that they also had leadership that focused on reconstruction and growth. But they can't sing, dance or shout slogans worth a damn. We have them there. Besides, they were only bombed into ruin. We had apartheid.

We do outperform them in several areas. We have social grants, blue light brigades and well - pampered, well paid officials. Lots of them. Take that, Germany and Japan!

So we're lost at sea, but we did have a great start to the voyage  - cheers, streamers, champagne for some. And we did travel a long way - in a circle, but it's a big circle, and nicely round. You can't say we didn't make progress. It's a completely new place that we're lost in. We have left the old behind.

So, there, fellow South Africans. Much to celebrate.

The Scuffle Continues!

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

The Peacemakers

 I watched the news last night. No, not SABC TV news. Real news. 

I sat up when the reporter asked his guest who he thought would be Ideal to mediate in the conflict between israel and iran. 'Well, that would be South Africa', I thought. I was

outraged when there was no mention of the beloved country. What with our host of talented diplomats and statespeople. 

I immediately dashed off a letter, accusing those concerned of racism, capitalist, imperialist tendencies and a few other choice maladies. 

What the heck! Do we not have influence in high places?  Did we not drink tea or vodka,  or all of the above, with our good Russian comrades in tense times? Do we not allegedly have excellent relationships with

various liberation organizations in the Middle East and elsewhere? Who else had the  wherewithal to load fokol onto a Russian ship (as per our minister of defense), during said tense moments?

Did we not host Al Bashir and other influential leaders? We would have hosted the Dalai Lama too, were it not for some logistical and administrative difficulties.

Which other country has demonstrated unquestionable neutrality to the extent that we have?

One need only look back at how swiftly and efficiently we resolved the 2021 troubles in KZN. Can there be any doubt that we are the first choice for helping to ease tensions 

and resolve conflict? The relaxed, reasonable exchanges on social media will tell you all that you need to know about our positive, 'live and let live' national philosophy and approach to all mankind, regardless of race, gender or place of border fence crossing.

Didn't our minister of police wisely advise the City of Cape Town officials to get off their high horses and negotiate with taxi

organizations during the taxi violence in that city?  Unfortunately, they did not heed his sage advice and look what happened. I think that relationships between the city and the taxi gentlemen are still strained. All unnecessary. Things would have gone so well if they had simply sat around a couple of buckets of KFC and acceded to the (surely reasonable) demands of those.

peace loving gentlemen, who, I'm sure, just wanted to ferry people around. All would have been sweetness and light today. As I'm confident it will be, once Mr Cele has negotiated with Zama Zamas, the construction mafia, izinKabi, and other important stakeholders. After all,  don't they desire the same things we do, namely, peace, harmony  - and a bit of ill-gotten loot? Ah well, there's no reasoning with some people. 

Our president flew all the way to Ukraine (with attendant hardships of bland airline food, etc.). He endured insolent treatment from the Polish border people (I could have told him that the Poles can be troublesome). All of this was done in the interests of global peace. What did he get in return? Apparently a missile or two while in Kyiv. Nonetheless,  our man soldiered on (in a peaceful manner, of course).

Have we not gone from strength to strength, taking Israel and those murderous people in Sudan and elsewhere to the international court?  Oh sorry, got that a little wrong. We will probably deal with the Sudanese and others a bit later. All lives are important, but we can't do everything at the same time, can we? 

We punch way above our weight, landing fierce jabs and devastating uppercuts, as we dance around global challenges like Ali on steroids. I expect that the global powers will soon realize they made a mistake and come crawling to us for assistance. We will, as always, be magnanimous and forgiving. 

This troubled world needs from South Africa the unique thing that our politicians bring to international diplomacy and troubleshooting. It is elusive, intriguing, mysterious. Perhaps it's best described by the minister's own word: fokol.

Watch this space. Also CNN the BBC and Al Jazeera.. You read it here first. 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

 

Bend It Like Zuma

Dear Mister Zuma.

I wish to make an appointment, please. 

Should I go through Dudu? I am sure that I will find her on X. She probably still calls it Twitter. She still calls you President Zuma, even though it's been a while. I know that you are a man of the people. I am one of the people. 

You see, sir, I have long desired a career in politics. I have been held back by a lack of confidence. However, now that I see your excellency, Julius,  Dr Ace,  Mr Manyi and others romping in the green fields of the South African political landscape, I am encouraged. Anyone  can be a politician in this great country. I think that even Commander Carl and our former public protector have found bottom-hugging seats in the house of parliament. We are nothing if not inclusive. A friend says that it's true: we are nothing. I asked him what he meant and he replied: "To quote several powerful politicians: 'fokol' ". 

But, I ramble  - like the average politician. (My friend says that they are below average. He is beginning to irritate me).

I was somewhat concerned that my history of minor misunderstandings with law and order representatives might disadvantage me. I see that I need not have been concerned at all. Inclusivity reigns.

I am ambitious but not overly so. I would be quite happy to start out as a backbencher. I can disrupt, yell out silly points of order,  boo and sleep with the best of them. The last is not to be misinterpreted, please. It refers to refreshing power nap on the  benches. 

Like all of you, I have a fine line in bullsh...,  pardon, fiery oratory. I understand that a good  mentor is crucial to one's success in politics. Who else has brushed aside a shower of scandals like lint on a collar?  Who else has kept the courts at bay as long as you have?  When I tried to have the judge and prosecutor recuse themselves in my case, I was woefully unsuccessful. Of course,  I did not have the brilliant people's advocate, Mr Mpofu, in my corner. I think that things would have turned out very differently. 

You once posed the chicken-and-egg riddle as to which came first, democracy or the ANC.  Now you have again mesmerized the country with another Sphinx-like riddle, namely, when is a prison sentence not a prison sentence? Not only are you a chess master as your loyal supporters often point out, but it appears that you are also a zen master. 

I look forward to having tea with you, as mister Malema did and drinking from your well of wisdom, as he also surely did. (He's been in fine form, since, despatching cows, breathing fire from his nostrils etc.). 

Your Houdini-like exploits are so fantastical that it is difficult to attribute them to skill, strategy or luck alone. Is there any truth to the stories about the efficacy of crocodile fat and hippo fat?  We can talk confidentially about such things when we meet. 

Sir, we have much in common. I too like a good, belly laugh. I can spin a good yarn. 

Like you, I am a man of the people.  I, too have suffered abuse at the hands of powerful people, for standing up for said people.  Also for brandishing a firearm in a bank. A misunderstanding made much of by malicious people with dark, political agendas. The gun was for my protection. We live in dangerous times in a dangerous country. Who knows what lunatics, villains and thugs one might encounter in a bank. It was a small gun, anyway. I was also accused of being in possession of an illegal firearm. Absurd. Smith and Wesson is a reputable company with a long history of producing fine armaments. 

I was also accused of having wasted nine years, while enjoying the hospitality of the state. A ridiculous accusation made by jealous and malicious persons. I made the most of my time working in the institution's library and involving my housemates in

various entrepreneurial ventures. For the benefit of the people, of course.

 I am due to be released later this month. I was, unfortunately, excluded from the amnesty that benefited many villains and rogues, recently. You might have heard something about that?

Could we then meet to discuss matters of mutual interest and benefit?

Yours in the struggle for politics of service and integrity.

Richard.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

We Care

South african business cares almost as much as our government cares.

Take the banks. We used to endure long queues in the banking halls. Now we endure long queues in the scorching sunshine. Much more a typically South African thing - the great outdoors. 

I know that businesses in South Africa do thorough research on consumer behaviour and preferences, but let me explain. Those unending queues at government departments, they are not by choice. We are forced to stand there all day. We don't like it. We don't get up in the morning and say:

"I know! I'll queue at Home Affairs all day, today. What fun!"

As an aside, I wonder how much the Great South African Queue robs us of productivity. How does it compare to the sterling efforts of Eskom, for example?

My favourite bank, (who shall remain unnamed, save to say that their name begins and ends with the letter 'c'), made improvements to our local branch. Where there were two ATM machines, there are now three. On one of the busiest days this week. one went to sleep and never rose again that day. Still, at least we have three.

One would have thought that an alert supervisor would have called a technician immediately. It can't be nuclear physics, repairing the machines, can it? Then again, who am I to comment? I don't understand the intricacies of the banking business. At least, there was an armed guard next to the slumbering ATM machine. Who knows what a dead ATM might do? Besides, let's cut to the chase: if you have to queue at an ATM, your time is really not that important in the greater scheme of South African things. If it were, you'd be able to jump the queue, like an honourable minister getting her driver's license. 

Someone in the ATM queue complained that there seems to be no planning for busy days. How ridiculous! It's not the business of South African banks to plan around the needs of customers (just as it's not government's). Theirs to bleed...., sorry, build, sustainable business for shareholders (damn these typos!). That includes the investors that Julius encouraged to join our booming economy by whatever creative means come to hand.

Just a word to my fellow ATM users. Folks, the ATM machines have already been programmed and calibrated. There is no need for you to do that. Well, my assumption is that that's the only activity that could keep you at the ATM for an agony of waiting, as the hours tick mercilessly by. After all, drawing or depositing cash takes no more than five minutes for a fully functioning human being. If you don't know, please don't emulate the ANC. Just ask.

Enough negativity.  Dear Spur, the 'unreal breakfast' tag is a good one. You could have used a synonym, such as 'insubstantial' breakfast. At almost fifty seven rand, that's real value for money (somewhere in the world), isn't it? I checked that by preparing the very same breakfast. Yes, it cost the same - for ten people. But let's not split hairs. We'll leave that to Clicks and the EFF. As for Wimpy, your name well describes your special breakfast offering - wimpy.

 

Dear MTN, if you are going to reward users for buying air time and data, then you should do just that. But please do learn about rewards and how they mean nothing until they mean something to the recipient (valence, I think the psychology people call it).  Most of my 'rewards, are discounted offers on airtime and data.  The fact that I have just purchased  airtime or data renders most of them rather meaningless.  Many of those offers looks suspiciously similar to normal, 'undiscounted' rates. That may just be my jaundiced eye and cynical nature. You guys are doing your utmost to make  internet access and communication easier for the poorest South Africans. Like our government, you are doing your bit for education and for the economy.  

I do like your quaintly named 'customer service helpline'. Particularly love the 'If you wish to speak to a living, breathing human being, good luck' option. Okay, not true - but it might as well be.

As for the caring supermarket chains, your almost daily price increases on essentials, are clear evidence of your concern for the drowning consumer. You need the money for those full-page advertisements and jolly TV ads.

We could go on but I hope that these few examples prove:

 

Yes, South African business cares so much that it hurts.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723