Gone With The Wind

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I thought I had seen everything. In South Africa, that's a lot.

Then I saw this:

 'Limpopo pastor farts on congregation to heal them with ’God’s power’

Self-styled pastor Christ Penelope, who founded Seven Fold Holy Spirit Ministries, reportedly farts on his congregants as a healing process that cures all spiritual and physical problems.'

This guy captured my imagination as dramatically as some are alleged to have captured the state. He so completely typifies the bad joke that we have become. Schuster, at his juvenile, lavatorial worst, could not eclipse this.

We've had men of similar cloth feeding their congregants snakes, grass, petrol and heaps of horse dung. The congregants gobble it all up. Our politicians are not to be outdone. The voters gobble it all up. Some worthies have been threatening to spill the beans about their comrades for some time. We all know what beans do. 

This is South Africa. Anything goes, and judging by daily reports of plunder and fraud, everything goes. So why not a gas-generating snake oil salesman? With a 'congregation' hanging on to his every... It's not that different to our political milieu. Try reading some of their pearls of wisdom out loud. 

An important question: how does the gentleman store up 

enough gas to serve the entire congregation? The answer could be of value to science. Anyone who solves that mystery, please share.

Yours in utter bewilderment.

Richard 

Raising Cain

 Dear Pastor / Bishop / Apostle Alph Lukau (Hope I've covered all the bases) 

I follow the shen.., sorry, activities of the shepherd Bushiri and, of course, your esteemed self, from time to time. For entert..., I mean, spiritual enlightenment.

I was alarmed to learn that the honourable Bushiri has departed. I thought it might be a chariots of fire thing but learned that he is just next door, in Malawi. I've heard Malawi spoken of as a paradise. It's not the same thing, though, is it?

You have been somewhat subdued since you brought that chap back across the Styx. Someone scoffed that he should not have looked so surprised. It's not like it was his first time on earth. Well, sir, if I woke in a coffin, with dozens of pairs of eyes on me, I'd also be surprised. Particularly if I'd been debating the relative merits of charismatic movements versus more traditional churches just seconds ago. In a rather different environment. With experts. Worse still if I spotted various bank managers and mashonisas in the gawping crowd. But enough of theological debate, sir. I have a proposition.

There are several fellows who owe me small sums of money but have since shuffled off this mortal coil. Do you think you could.....? It would benefit both of us. You do need to keep your hand in - or is it out? 

You could also be of great service to the embattled, beloved country. Several MPs and perhaps ministers may need your services. Judging by their deportment in parliament and their behaviour in general. After all, brain-dead = dead, doesn't it? Then there are the SOEs. 

But sir, let's discuss this over some fruit juice or a  non-alcoholic beer.

Yours in the struggle to venture beyond this vale of tears.

Richard

For Your Comfort: Mr Zuma

Dear Mr Duduzane Zuma

I was initially delighted when I saw this tweet, posted by a Mr Ernst Roets:

"Future President (Duduzane) Zuma II has announced that he will return from his travels abroad to lead South Africa into a future of free stuff for everyone. Long may he reign!"

But, (as they say in the classics), I was assailed by doubts when a friend pointed out that Mr Roets is, in all likelihood, a settler. This could possibly imply unholy alliances with the likes of Bill Gates, peddlers of fake news, clever Blacks and even the enemy of mankind himself. I have asked the Daily Sun to investigate, with the sort of rigour and fervour they apply to tokoloshe takedowns.

If it is true, then I see you as a sort of Mzansi Moses, leading us to the oft - promised land of milk, honey and moolah. I hope that we can bypass the forty - year meander. We have already done nine years, some say. Without manna, but forced to swallow all manner of unwholesome stuff along the wilderness byways.

Is it true that your name should actually be Duduzani, meaning 'be comforted'? I am certainly comforted by the prospect of receiving free stuff. May I make an early request? A two - bedroomed flat within walking distance of Kalkies Fish And Chips and a Fiat Uno would meet my humble needs. (The guest bedroom is intended to accommodate you in the style you are accustomed to, should you visit).

Well, sir, we await your return and the uttering of that ringing command: 'Let my people go!'

Yours in the hunger for free st.., I mean, freedom.

Richard

Patriot Games

 

Dear  Ms Dlamini

So glad to see you are continuing the ANC tradition of scintillating stand up comedy. I had great difficulty getting back up off the floor after a good fifteen minutes of howling with laughter. A visiting friend was on the point of calling for an ambulance. The cause? The excerpt below from a news article: 

'ANC Women’s League leader Bathabile Dlamini said the league wants to take children and instil values of “patriotism, discipline, self-sacrifice and loyalty” in them.'

This was almost as good as reading one of The Daily Sun's more imaginative pieces. Something along the lines of "Cannibal To Launch Course On Vegetarian Diets".

Are you planning on enlisting the help of those who have walked the road already? Is not example the greatest teacher? You will be spoiled for choice. I picture Carl Niehaus, in full battledress, holding forth on loyalty and patriotism. I have difficulty explaining why I continue to support Manchester United and the Sharks. Explaining loyalty to the likes of our former president and philosopher Dr Ace should hold no such challenges. After all, most children grow up on fables and fairy tales. I think that your greatest challenge will be which heroes to choose out of our pantheon. It's a bit like choosing favourite Marvel Comics superheroes and having to omit others. An equally tough challenge will be deciding which ANC good stories to include and which to exclude. I am available to assist as soon as the fits of laughter have subsided.

Yours in the struggle for sound, values - based education.

Richard 

Double Up With Laughter

 'Dear Mr Malema' joins 'Dear Mr Zuma' on the Kindle bookshelf.

See South Africa through a different lens. If you've been wondering whether to laugh or cry, buy this pair from Kindle and you can do both. Double up and shed tears of laughter.  

'Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand', said Mark Twain. Our happy couple have been taken too seriously for far too long. Join in the assault. It's time South Africa (and the rest of the world) laughed the second-hand comedians to scorn.

Your turn to 'heh, heh, heh'.

Postscript: Also now joined by:

Dear Fellow South Africans 

South Africa: Stranger Than Fiction 

https://t.co/UaPkJKoTQu

Tea And Sympathy

 Dear Mr Zuma

I'm so glad that you are open for tea again. We've passed through the phases of kill - for - Zuma, die - for - Zuma, (was there a kill - Zuma phase?), to the have - tea - with - Zuma phase. Isn't it time old penpals like you and I also had a natter over some Earl Grey?

I'm a little short on helicopters right now, so I'd appreciate your sending me one of those location things. May I bring Judge Zondo and a copy of the constitution? Now that we seem to be in a season of fence-mending and goodwill to all men of peace.

We have much to discuss: the myth of state capture, the theology of ANC membership, theology in general (your inspired take on the Second Coming), the political significance of tea in healing old enmities and so much more. Perhaps you could unravel the mystery of your slight distancing from the commission you yourself appointed. I am also curious about and inspired by your insistence that your friend not adjudicate in your matter. Such rectitude. Nemo judex in sua cosa, surely? I would have been delighted to have a buddy on the bench. You, Sir, are made of sterner moral stuff. A sort of ethical optic fibre.

Yes, Sir, of cabbages and kings we could chat all day. I have no objection to a platter of freshly boiled inKhaaandla ox tripe with tea.

Sir, I will certainly bring a good supply of sympathy, if you will be kind enough to supply the brew.

Yours in the love of tea and sympathy.

Richard 

 

State Of The Nation

 Dear Mr President 

Your state of the nation address, delivered last night, was positive and inspiring.

As I write this congratulatory letter, I and half the nation are polishing the pavement outside the local labour office with our rapidly stiffening backsides. I sit directly opposite a traffic light that seems to be red each time I look up. I wonder if that signifies something. 

Sir, I am still puzzled as to why we must spend an entire day, (if we are that lucky), waiting to sign a document. And that in the midst of a raging pandemic. 

You boldly stated that there will be no more messing up. Have you seen the queues, Sir? A mess would be a pretty good description.

In this season of doing things differently and more efficiently, please ensure that all departments get the memo. I can think of half a dozen ways this can be done better. And I'm not even being paid for it. Your people do know, Sir, that this is the age of the Android, AI, the Mars Rover...? How long do we remain stuck in the age of bum - swept pavements? Sir, I suggest as long as bums are put to greater use than brains in the glorious civil service. That memo also needs to go out. As well as the one on service and compassion. Else Sir, it's time some memos went out welcoming various highly - paid seat polishers to the joys of retirement. Perhaps they could join us in the queues.

Oh, of course a day like this would not be complete without a power failure. That too, came to pass.

Yours in the hope that springs eternal.

Richard