Hell On Earth

 

Heard the one about the South African who died shortly after getting his new ID document?

"Go right in", says the angel at the Pearly Gates. "You've been to Home Affairs. You've had your share of hell."

Another interesting statistic from our caring government:

'Minister of Public Service and Administration Senzo Mchunu revealed that of the 9 477 senior managers listed on the Personal and Salary System, 3 301 do not have the required qualifications.' 

I pointed out to a friend that this may explain his interesting experience at the hands of the ever - charming, ever - innovative Department Of Home Affairs.  He was strangely unimpressed.

He needed to renew documents. Visit one: the cameras were not working. That should not be a surprise. I suspect that in several centres the staff may not be working. The camera problem was communicated after a suitable waiting period of one and a half hours. Not bad.  

Visit two: between five am and twelve noon, in a different town,  the system struggled on and off like a mini - Eskom. 

Visit three: the experience is ramped up. After a full day's exciting wait, my friend learns that the national system has gone walkabout.

A mangled quote from Julius (no, don't be silly), Caesar; not the other one:

How many times shall this our lofty farce be acted o'er

In other states

And towns yet unknown (what with name changes)?

My friend spotted a head office group and blurted out: "This is hell on earth". A bit exaggerated, I think. Hell can't be this bad, surely. Still, not a bad epitaph for our civil service.

Dogs Of War

 Dear Mr Carl Niehaus 

I love your brand of comedy. Your delivery is  so straight  - faced that many South Africans take you seriously. Their loss.

If an army marches on its stomach, then you have many, many miles in you. Your recent 'honour guard for Dr Ace' routine was a scream. Deft touch having that up - and - coming trooper, Tony, saluting. Students of literature would probably read all sorts of subtle undertones and allusions into it. For me, it was just riotously funny.

Actors often immerse themselves in an experience, so as to give their roles a gritty, realistic feel. There's an opportunity for you beyond our borders. Those humourless fanatics in Mozambique could have their first, real belly - laugh in a long time. You'd probably leave them weak enough for the African Union to mop up with ease. I suggest you take our burlesque version of the Green Berets with you, namely the Red Berets. They also haven't done anything new for a while. Probably straining at the leash.

Nothing like a new routine to inject life into an ailing comedy act. I suggest that you don't take any live ammunition. You could hurt yourselves.

Yours in the struggle for fresh, relevant comedy. 

Richard 

Exam

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

We strive to keep education relevant. Here is a suggested grade twelve final examination paper.

Instructions:

This paper combines all subjects (math, life sciences etc) in one integrated me.., pardon, whole.

Marks will be awarded for creativity, regardless of how nonsensical the content is. This is in line with our national approach to logic, fact, commonsense and everything else. 

1. Discuss the importance of KFC as fuel for law enforcement officers and politicians.  Compare with Nandos with special reference to:

# cost

# taste

# accessibility 

2. Trace the progress of a KFC drumstick from the mouth of a JMPD officer, through his / her digestive system and beyond. 

3. List the advantages of the Eskom approach to finances and reality. (The list may be short).

4. Draw up an Excel spreadsheet, indicating the following tax revenue movements. You may use your imagination freely, as you are unlikely to far surpass actual movements:

*  barefaced theft

* subtle redeployment  of funds

 * losses incurred through laziness and /  or  incompetence. 

* losses difficult to explain, except via a Bermuda Triangle - type phenomenon 

5. Analyse the following verses of poetry:

. "I met with Zuma but I did not intend on meeting with Zuma as a meeting is not necessarily a meeting to meet individuals but rather a meeting intended to meet with him in a capacity that we had already met."

Discuss rhyme, metre, imagery and other elements that make this a powerful piece of bulls..., er, literature.

6. The piece above was penned by:

  a. William Shakespeare

  b. Dr Ace Magashule 

  c. Floyd Shivambu (in a lucid moment) 

  d. A raving lunatic

  e. Some of the above

7. State Capture can be described as:

a. A rather large garage sale

b. Just people talking to one another 

c. Just people doing things with one another 

d. The fantastical plot of an outlandish novel written with the express purpose of discrediting one of our more interesting politicians 

8. Geneva was liberated from Switzerland by

a. William Tell

b. Stella Ndabeni-Abrahams 

c. All of the above

9. Being slightly lacking in integrity is no obstacle to membership of an integrity commission. Discuss.

Quote freely from thinkers, such as Jessie Duarte, Tony Yengeni  and other party philosophers.

10. Discuss Mr Zuma's approach to strengthening Treasury, the security cluster and other departments. You may compare and contrast with the strategies of strong leaders such as Robert Mugabe, Emmerson Mnangagwa, Richard Nixon and Donald Trump 

11. 'Such larks (Pip)...' 

Use this line from Dickens's Great Expectations to explore and discuss the exciting times  of Mr Zuma's presidency

12.Compare and contrast the speed and progress of South Africa's revolution with that of Zimbabwe. 

Add a graph to portray the decl..., that is, your findings, visually / viscerally.

13.You are given a choice:

      a. A truckload  of food parcels

       b. A tender to train unemployed youth in the mysteries of state tenders           

       c. A dairy in the Free State 

Explain which option could be optimally milked for profit. Submit your rough work and calculations on the separate sheet of toilet paper provided 

14. Your municipality has been without water for a year. Fortunately, your new budget has been approved. 

 Using the Marie Antoinette approach to social and  economic challenges (let them drink wine), plan your budget function. Google may be used to identify fine wines and whiskies.

15. Enumerate the  benefits of renaming cities and streets in difficult times. Discuss whether this should be extended to people, animals and inanimate objects, and why.

16. Various politicians have threatened to spill the beans. Discuss the nutritional value of beans in a politician's diet

17. South African parliamentarians debated the meaning of the word 'fokol' during a memorable session. Using your knowledge of South African politics and stretching the limits of your imagination, explain:

1. Why this is an appropriate topic of debate for legislators 

2. Why this is a justifiable use of tax revenue 

3. The etymology of the word

4. How Shakespeare could have spiced up specific scripts by using the word as judiciously as did our parliamentarians.

18. 'Ours not to reason why;

        ours but to do and die..'

These lines commemorate:

a. The charge of the light brigade 

b. The charge of the slight brigade - South African cabinet ministers and MPs in recent times 

c. All of the above

I do hope that you do better than the servants of the people in this exam.

Yours in the struggle for relevant, thought  - provoking, manure - free education.

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Gone With The Wind

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I thought I had seen everything. In South Africa, that's a lot.

Then I saw this:

 'Limpopo pastor farts on congregation to heal them with ’God’s power’

Self-styled pastor Christ Penelope, who founded Seven Fold Holy Spirit Ministries, reportedly farts on his congregants as a healing process that cures all spiritual and physical problems.'

This guy captured my imagination as dramatically as some are alleged to have captured the state. He so completely typifies the bad joke that we have become. Schuster, at his juvenile, lavatorial worst, could not eclipse this.

We've had men of similar cloth feeding their congregants snakes, grass, petrol and heaps of horse dung. The congregants gobble it all up. Our politicians are not to be outdone. The voters gobble it all up. Some worthies have been threatening to spill the beans about their comrades for some time. We all know what beans do. 

This is South Africa. Anything goes, and judging by daily reports of plunder and fraud, everything goes. So why not a gas-generating snake oil salesman? With a 'congregation' hanging on to his every... It's not that different to our political milieu. Try reading some of their pearls of wisdom out loud. 

An important question: how does the gentleman store up 

enough gas to serve the entire congregation? The answer could be of value to science. Anyone who solves that mystery, please share.

Yours in utter bewilderment.

Richard 

Raising Cain

 Dear Pastor / Bishop / Apostle Alph Lukau (Hope I've covered all the bases) 

I follow the shen.., sorry, activities of the shepherd Bushiri and, of course, your esteemed self, from time to time. For entert..., I mean, spiritual enlightenment.

I was alarmed to learn that the honourable Bushiri has departed. I thought it might be a chariots of fire thing but learned that he is just next door, in Malawi. I've heard Malawi spoken of as a paradise. It's not the same thing, though, is it?

You have been somewhat subdued since you brought that chap back across the Styx. Someone scoffed that he should not have looked so surprised. It's not like it was his first time on earth. Well, sir, if I woke in a coffin, with dozens of pairs of eyes on me, I'd also be surprised. Particularly if I'd been debating the relative merits of charismatic movements versus more traditional churches just seconds ago. In a rather different environment. With experts. Worse still if I spotted various bank managers and mashonisas in the gawping crowd. But enough of theological debate, sir. I have a proposition.

There are several fellows who owe me small sums of money but have since shuffled off this mortal coil. Do you think you could.....? It would benefit both of us. You do need to keep your hand in - or is it out? 

You could also be of great service to the embattled, beloved country. Several MPs and perhaps ministers may need your services. Judging by their deportment in parliament and their behaviour in general. After all, brain-dead = dead, doesn't it? Then there are the SOEs. 

But sir, let's discuss this over some fruit juice or a  non-alcoholic beer.

Yours in the struggle to venture beyond this vale of tears.

Richard

For Your Comfort: Mr Zuma

Dear Mr Duduzane Zuma

I was initially delighted when I saw this tweet, posted by a Mr Ernst Roets:

"Future President (Duduzane) Zuma II has announced that he will return from his travels abroad to lead South Africa into a future of free stuff for everyone. Long may he reign!"

But, (as they say in the classics), I was assailed by doubts when a friend pointed out that Mr Roets is, in all likelihood, a settler. This could possibly imply unholy alliances with the likes of Bill Gates, peddlers of fake news, clever Blacks and even the enemy of mankind himself. I have asked the Daily Sun to investigate, with the sort of rigour and fervour they apply to tokoloshe takedowns.

If it is true, then I see you as a sort of Mzansi Moses, leading us to the oft - promised land of milk, honey and moolah. I hope that we can bypass the forty - year meander. We have already done nine years, some say. Without manna, but forced to swallow all manner of unwholesome stuff along the wilderness byways.

Is it true that your name should actually be Duduzani, meaning 'be comforted'? I am certainly comforted by the prospect of receiving free stuff. May I make an early request? A two - bedroomed flat within walking distance of Kalkies Fish And Chips and a Fiat Uno would meet my humble needs. (The guest bedroom is intended to accommodate you in the style you are accustomed to, should you visit).

Well, sir, we await your return and the uttering of that ringing command: 'Let my people go!'

Yours in the hunger for free st.., I mean, freedom.

Richard

Patriot Games

 

Dear  Ms Dlamini

So glad to see you are continuing the ANC tradition of scintillating stand up comedy. I had great difficulty getting back up off the floor after a good fifteen minutes of howling with laughter. A visiting friend was on the point of calling for an ambulance. The cause? The excerpt below from a news article: 

'ANC Women’s League leader Bathabile Dlamini said the league wants to take children and instil values of “patriotism, discipline, self-sacrifice and loyalty” in them.'

This was almost as good as reading one of The Daily Sun's more imaginative pieces. Something along the lines of "Cannibal To Launch Course On Vegetarian Diets".

Are you planning on enlisting the help of those who have walked the road already? Is not example the greatest teacher? You will be spoiled for choice. I picture Carl Niehaus, in full battledress, holding forth on loyalty and patriotism. I have difficulty explaining why I continue to support Manchester United and the Sharks. Explaining loyalty to the likes of our former president and philosopher Dr Ace should hold no such challenges. After all, most children grow up on fables and fairy tales. I think that your greatest challenge will be which heroes to choose out of our pantheon. It's a bit like choosing favourite Marvel Comics superheroes and having to omit others. An equally tough challenge will be deciding which ANC good stories to include and which to exclude. I am available to assist as soon as the fits of laughter have subsided.

Yours in the struggle for sound, values - based education.

Richard