Conspiracies, Cash And Christmas

I am delighted that we can compete with the  best in conspiracy theories and jolly litigation  larks. 

Those upstart Americans had the Castro beard conspiracy, the Kennedy conspiracies and numerous UFO conspiracies. But, as the rapper said, can't touch this:

Mr Zuma has criminally charged Mr Ramaphosa. This is almost as good as Dr Ace's Catch 2021, suspense filled saga, in which the suspended Secretary General suspended the president. See https://thescuffle.blogspot.com/2021/05/dr-aces-catch-2021.html

I warned then that we were likely to see soccer and rugby players pull red cards out of back pockets. I am so glad to see Mr Zuma continue in the delightfully mad tradition of the zany humour of Mad Magazine and Joseph Heller's Catch 22. 

I always thought that we had potential to be a giant on the continent. We are coming into our own as a serious player on the world stage of satire and off-the-wall humour. 

I am having special cards printed for any encounters that I might have with law enforcement types. They will include such powerful legal rejoinders as:

 "No, YOU are under arrest" 

"YOU are charged for harassing peaceful motorists rushing to church services"  

Mr Zuma's much loved daughter joined in the fun, labelling this crowning moment in national comedy as "Breaking News".  Lord, they do know how to make us laugh.

I was in the act of propping up my sagging, favourite easy chair with a stack of legal tender bills (only material available at the time), when I saw this intriguing tweet:

"BREAKING NEWS YOU NEED TO RETWEET‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

There's someone that called a meeting to plot against President Zuma. We have their names but cannot disclose as yet. They are planning to isolate Msholozi . The meeting took place in Sandton. R2million was exchanged. More coming ‼️"

I can confirm that I was in the immediate vicinity, visiting a local shebeen (recommend the cold brew and chicken feet snacks). I can also confirm that I saw large sums of money changing hands - between a fruit seller and customers.  

Of course, it does seem like a rather fruitless, redundant exercise isolating an alteady isolated Mr Zuma. The only way I see him becoming more isolated is by joining the 'Alone' survival show as a contestant  (spells in the wilds of Canada, Patagonia, Mongolia).

This talk of substantial amounts of filthy lucre changing hands stirs my social conscience. It is the season of giving. It is more blessed to give than to receive. I am willing and eager to bless anyone burdened by large amounts of cash by receiving same. As a disciplined member of the SCSANC (Struggling Citizens of South Africa's National Congress), I vote a resounding 'yes'.

God rest you merry, gentlemen. Ladies too.

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High Noon In Parliament

 Dear Dr Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma 

I was deeply moved by your ringing declaration during the furniture upholstery vote in parliament. 

"As a disciplined member of the ANC, I vote yes"

Of course, it might have been a bit premature, as I imagine that you may be disciplined later.

Your speech evoked echoes of Churchill's "fight them on the beaches" speech. Okay, it was shorter, not as eloquent, not as convincing, delivery a little flat. But in every other respect, uncannily similar. Or am I thinking of Bheki Cele's 'fight them on the beaches' speech?

This is quite consistent with your principled stand during the exciting Zuma years. An excerpt from a 2017 news report:

Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma has lashed out at those who voted against President Jacob Zuma in the motion of no confidence vote that took place on 8 August.

Like the sheriff in High Noon, you faced them down then, too. Your critics say that this is contradictory, hypocritical, opportunistic. I say that 2017 was a long time ago. A lot can change in a week in politics. Let alone a couple of years. What the heck, it's the principle, isn't it? And Jacob Zuma was the principal actor back then.

You made this insightful point:

"No-one is above the ANC and anyone who thinks they are above it has lost their consciousness," 

You did seem to have your consciousness when you voted. Of course, it can be hard to tell with our ministers and MPs. 

There was this postscript to that 2017 saga:

The crowd also cheered when ANC Youth League general secretary Njabulo Nzuza said that the Members of Parliament who had voted against the ANC had to be hunted down and kicked out of the organisation.

That seems rather excessive. No need for hunting. Everybody knows who and where the honourable members are.

Bravo for making that walk down the deserted high street, curtains twitching on each side. I assume that the actual shootout is yet to come. Keep those six-shooters oiled.

No parliamentary drama is complete without some mystery.  Did some key actors go missing during the vote? Ms Sisulu perhaps among them? It happens. Moments of stress and high drama can affect the bowels and bladder. Happened to me during a Sharks vs Bulls game. Perfectly understandable.

Yours in the struggle for consistency, a principled stand and bladder control.

Richard 

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ANC Saga: Drama And Tender Moments

Dear ANC

Out of the heat, dust and noise of your little family squabble come some literary gems that should be preserved for posterity.

This tweet from Ms Bathabile Dlamini still gives me goosebumps:

"When you have an organisation within an organisation the organisation will collapse.We take decisions but because people have meetings ,take decisions before actual decisions of the ANC NEC.even those we trusted and thought were beyond reproach have been used ,what’s the price"

Succinct, muscular language that also conjures up images of plotting in smoky rooms, dark deeds and daggers concealed in diverse places. There's a Murder She Wrote feel to this wonderful, all-too-short piece. 

It reminds me of Dr Ace's seminal work:

 "I met with Zuma but I did not intend on meeting with Zuma as a meeting is not necessarily a meeting to meet individuals but rather a meeting intended to meet with him in a capacity that we had already met."

An ill-mannered, ignorant friend described your rambl..., sorry,  writings, as gobbledygook. It's challenging to parcel up the complexity and mystery of  ANC life in a brief statement or tweet. He may have thought that he heard the anguished screams of the tortured English language.  But, hey, great writing and profound thought can be like that.

This saga should be on TV.  Yes, I know that SABC minutely chronicles even your most obscure doings. I am talking about a dramatic series to rival Durban Gen.

Shot through with wildly hilarious episodes and lots of tender moments, we'd be a cert for an Emmy. Oh hang on, we can't accept an award from those meddling, imperialist Americans who grudgingly donate billions from time to time. There must be a prestigious Russian award somewhere. At any rate, we already have a Tony for the side-splitting episode about the fellow chosen to head up an integrity committee.

For family viewing, we'd have to omit the shootings that happen in various municipalities. Even if they do make up an integral part of the drama.

The child who ran away from home, the fascinating EFF, also shows great promise. I am rather concerned about scurrilous rumours on social media that the CIC has been 'doing coke'. That would be scandalous. Coke, after all, is the quintessential symbol of American capitalist greed. Particularly, paired with a hamburger. What about Co-ee, JIVE and other South African brands? EFF, please attend to this and let us know what you have sniffed out.

Yours in the struggle for great South African literature and television.

Richard

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South Africa The Pitiful

Another alternative anthem, to the tune of America The Beautiful 

O pitiful for specious lies

Over the benighted land

For anarchy and lawlessness

On every  barren plain!

South Africa, South Africa

 God take this curse from thee

And crown thy folk with common sense 

From sea to tainted sea

O pitiful for shattered dreams

That fade with every year

For vengeful dreams of vicious men

Unmoved by human tears

South Africa, South Africa

 God take this curse from thee

And crown thy folk with common sense 

From sea to tainted sea

South Africa, South Africa

 God take this curse from thee

And crown thy folk with common sense 

From sea to tainted sea

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O Tichmann 

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It's The Most, Most Bizarre Time Of The Year

To the tune of It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

It's the most, most bizarre  time of the year
With all parties yelling
And everyone telling you it's a nightmare
It's the most, most bizarre time of the year

It's the bat-battiest season of all
With the cash in the sofas and so frantic meetings
When everyone's in on the brawl
It's the bat-battiest season of all

EFF will be toasting
The president's roasting
And RET'll put on a show 
There'll be scary spy stories
And tales of the glories of
Presidents long, long ago

It's the most, most bizarre time of the year
There'll be much mgodoying 
And eyes will be glowing
When first prize is near
It's the most, most bizarre time of the year

There'll be enemies gloating
And buffoons showboating 
And everything vile on show
There'll be hairy old stories
And tales of the glories of
The Party of long, long ago

It's the most, most bizarre time of the year
There'll be much, much mud throwing
And hearts will be glowing
When victory is near
It's a weird ghastly time
Yes the most, most bizarre time
Oh a strange,  unnatural  time
Of the year

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Elderly, Revolutionary Rubbish

 How did we get into such a mess?

People are concerned that the president may go because of a unique sofa upholstery experiment. They are terrified that what will follow will make the darkness of Mordor (Lord Of The Rings) look like a Durban summer sunrise. Orcs salivate.

How did we get here?

First the audacious lie

The turning of the blind eye

The poison by and by

Orwell understood how the liars, frauds and tinpot dictators use language: 

'Some animals are more equal than others'

'Four legs good, two legs better'

'Newspeak, thoughtcrime, unthink'

"The elderly rubbish they talk", wrote Auden, of dictators. 

Here's a guide to 'elderly rubbish' in South Africa - a glossary of terms:

Comrade - someone in your party that you will probably stick a knife into someday

Patriot - all-embracing term which can include oxygen thieves, liars, common or garden thieves

Racism - useful one-size-fits-all label for anyone with counterrevolutionary or white tendencies, their policies, values, family, friends, pets and possessions.

Revolutionary - describes all beliefs, words, actions and possessions of those fortunate enough to belong to a revolutionary organization. One may have revolutionary condoms, for example. Whether anything revolutionary actually happens is beside the point and is a preoccupation only of racist, right-wingers.

Our People - people that one may manipulate, lie to and defraud  - all for their own good.

Unafrican - whatever does not suit one's narrative or purposes at a specific time. This may shift as the tectonic plates are said to shift.

The Struggle - initially, the struggle for freedom and democracy. Now, a useful concept to dine out on. Used similarly to 'abracadabra' and 'open sesame.

Corrupt - used to describe any rival, who may or may not be as corrupt, more so or less so than oneself.

The Masses - same meaning as 'our people' just with a revolutionary flavour and a touch of contempt.

Stratcom - any communication in conflict with the pure, biltong-textured, revolutionary version.

Counterrevolutionaries - usually white-tendencied, people who dare hold opposing views to the self-evident truths held dear by comrades.

Whites - see 'White Walkers' in Game Of Thrones. Sinister, mysterious, with Marvel-like superpowers.

Van Riebeeck - powerful spirit-being behind all crime, corruption, concupiscence  and greed in South Africa. A Pale Side equivalent of the Dark Side in Star Wars.

Radical Economic Transformation  (RET) - a nebulous statement of intent, out of which has come nothing radical or transformative to date. Can be used as a meditative chant.

We tolerated the lies, turned a blind eye to the elephant taking a dump in the room, and now, only a massive amputation will save us from  the flow of poison.

This is the unpalatable, unafrican,  counterrevolutionary truth. 

The truth nevertheless.

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The Measure Of A Government

 One measure of the stature and character of a country is how it treats all of its citizens.

Particularly, how it treats the vulnerable.

To mouth on about "our people" is cheap talk. It means as much as a burp from a drink-champagne-on-behalf-of-the -people politician. It's what you do that tells the whole tale.

The Great Liberation Movement has put its cards on the table. Quite clearly for all to see. Those that have eyes to see. You see it in the dawn to dusk queues at government departments. You see it in the total lack of remorse at the brazen ransacking of the public purse. You witness the indifference to the burdens that  incompetence, corruption, maladministration, gross negligence and more lay on the shoulders of long-suffering citizens.  As Hamlet put it: "the insolence of office and the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy takes..."

The obscene flaunting of unmerited leadership  privilege  in the midst of pain and suffering is the gross icing on this poisoned cake.

But people vote in large numbers for this caricature of a governing party. Perhaps there is a perception that this is all there is. If so, a sad, sad settling for the dregs at the bottom of human potential. Shame on a leadership that scuttles along the bottom and keeps its people from even a glimpse of how bright the world can be. Shame on you.

I was reminded of this at the monthly pilgrimage to the SASSA old age pension payouts at the local chain supermarket. This is the monthly, magical, mystery tour, incorporating agonizingly long waits, mysterious halts to the process, sore knees and the usual game of 'what is the eff  is up  this time'. 

In true festive spirit, today's jolly queue was a record one. A staff member helpfully told us that the money hadn't arrived. The rest was speculation.  Had there been a yuletide cash in transit heist?  Was some official enroute to Mauritius with bulging bags?  Oh yes, you know better than to dismiss that as a silly joke. This is South Africa, a world of possibilities, most of them nasty, bizarre, defying logic or comprehension. Four hours after the queue first formed, the first payouts began.

I don't know whether our caring government  or our caring we're-here-for -you supermarket was at fault. At any rate, our business people tend to play a milder version of the government game. It's called Torture The Customer In Every Inventive Way You Can. There is an FTE variant - eff the elderly.

That, South Africa, is what your elected government thinks of you. Many businesses, like spaniels,  follow on their heels. 

Where there is callousness, indifference, selfish greed, neither stature nor character will be found. 

Just the pervasive, lingering stench of your standard shithole country (acknowledgements to Donald).

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