A Fistful Of Dollars

Dear Mr Malema 

I had a jam jar full of cash buried near a lemon tree in the garden. It was stolen recently by a casual gardener.

Why did I keep such a large sum of cash? I do not trust banks. Remember VBS?  I have to pay a fee for depositing money. It's like paying a cover charge for entering Pick ' 'n Pay. Bank charges far exceed any interest I make. It's possible that Mr Ramaphosa faced similar challenges.

I did not report the theft to the police for several reasons. I doubt that even our superb, bloodhound-like detectives can crack this case. The only clue is a jam jar sized hole in the garden. In addition, the police station was being robbed by armed men at the time that I went to report. I thought it best to return later. Then I realized that I really don't care about the money, though I could use the jam jar. My bank and SARS also took money from me. Their methods, rates and the use of my hard-earned money may border on the dubious (or perhaps even crawl under that border fence). I did not report them either.

Mr Malema, let me point out a few salient facts. 

1. There was nothing underhand in my method or intentions (underground, yes). It wasn't something grubby like hiding cash in a mattress.

2. My approach was comparable to the fine traditions of banks such as VBS. I choose them at random.

3. The money was honestly earned from the sale of wild plants. A neighbour with a keen interest in botany spotted them in my garden. The slender leaves and distinctive scent caught his interest and he and his botanist friends made many purchases. I think they had herbal remedies in mind.

You have demanded that the president step down with immediate effect or suffer the same fate as Mr Zuma. I would hate to suffer the same fate as Mr Zuma: having tea with you, selling books from a car boot, dancing... The man looks a shadow of his former, jovial self. You did a number on him.

I am, therefore resigning, with immediate effect, from the following organisations:

The Wentworth Gardening Association 

The Bluff Bingo Club

The Beer And Literature Society, Durban South

I hope, hereby, to avert and avoid your fearsome wrath. A friend from Brackenfell warned me.

Yours in the struggle to dig up the buried truth.

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723