uBaba's Feast

In 2017, I managed to compile a festive menu from contributions  from various movers and shakers in the ANC. This makes Babette's Feast seem as ordinary as a McMeal. Probably a fitting lockdown menu to linger over as we ruminate on how far we have come.

We kick off with Bullybaise. A variation, of course on bouillabaise, this aromatic fish stew will storm your palate like a Springbok front row.  Apparently the name is a composite of 'to simmer' and 'to boil'. That perfectly describes the preparation process right here in South Africa. A perfect dish when dining with recalcitrant judges and public protectors, it's best served with thickly buttered rolls and a garnish of unrighteous indignation.

Staying with flavours fishy, there is Saxonworld shrimp cocktail to follow. What makes this dish special are some mysterious ingredients available only at a Saxonworld spice emporium. Wonderful brain food for negotiating complex deals. The Saxonworld Shebeen will serve this dish as a tasty accompaniment to your bitter ale.

Coq au cabinet will smother and capture your palate with a harmony of complex favours. It's a tender casserole of boneless, spineless chicken simmered in twenty year old scotch. Just a caution: too large a helping can leave one pleasantly drowsy. Another caution: never to be cooked in or accompanied by white wine.

Mzansi fruit compote is much favoured by various politicians and important people at assorted SOEs. Bananas (best sourced from Limpopo) are the champion in this dish, which also leaves a lingering nutty aftertaste.

President's Punch is ideal to wash down this superb meal. A heady mixture of fruity flavours, rum and Chernobyl vodka, it packs a deceptive punch and can leave one with a hangover of nuclear proportions. What the heck, we South Africans are used to living dangerously.

All dishes are best prepared using ANC Classic cookware.

Bon appetit.

Richard

The Big Picture

Dear Ms Zille

You once queried how Dr Ace gifted one of his security people a very expensive Pierneef, then called it an honest mistake when the auctioneers asked questions.

Madam, mistakes happen. I once almost gave away a Constable, mistaking it for something that my nephew had done at school. The fact that his surname, Coetzee, so closely resembles that of the painter added to the confusion. It's not outside the realms of possibility that similar confusion caused the Pierneef error. I also once drove off in a Porsche which was parked next to my People's Car. The sort of mistake anyone can make. Same country of manufacture, similar sleek lines. I was a little distracted at the time. That brings me to my next point.

Dr Ace is a philosopher with an honorary degree from a Turkish university. The Turks have excellent coffee, cigarettes and Turkish Delight. I have also briefly viewed two dubbed Turkish soapies, Doodsondes and Bittersoet. The acting, while not quite Anthony Hopkins, was passable. This gives me the confidence that their universities are of an equally high standard.  It is quite possible, nay likely, that Dr Ace was preoccupied with questions  of  a cosmic nature at the time, for example:

Which came first: the chicken, the egg, the ANC, democracy, all of the above?

If a picture falls in a gallery and no-one sees it, did it really fall?

Does art imitate life or vice-versa?

Madam, is it any wonder that something as mundane as a painting worth a few million might slip through the cosmic cracks?

Now that I have, with complete objectively, painted the big picture, I do hope that it provides some perspective.

Yours in the love of art, philosophy and all things Turkish.

Richard

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O Tichmann 

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Spies, Lies And DVDs

Dear Mr Zuma

I knew that you would not disappoint us, your faithful followers, when you finally appeared at the Zondo Commission.

Some fine method acting business that would have made Brando proud - polishing your glasses, shuffling papers etc. I fully expected you to mumble in Brandoesque fashion: 'No state capture, just business.' An eloquent Italian shrug and a manly giggle accompanying that.

The last time I came across so many spies in one place was in a Ludlum collection. You named about half the country. It might have been easier simply to list those who were not spies. I trust that my own name would have been near the top, short contract spells with the CIA and KGB notwithstanding. The fact that you are still standing is testimony to your resilience or their ineptitude. I suppose one just can't find good spies nowadays. I think the bard had you in mind when he wrote: '...they come not single spies, but in batallions.'

You were a man much sinned against, according to your riveting account. Did you mention a former minister of justice as one of those who plotted against you? There's no justice in the world, is there? You also mentioned intelligence agencies. Didn't know we had so many. Didn't know there was enough intelligence to go around.

What made my blood run cold (apart from the Gauteng winter weather) was that devices were reportedly found on your plane. I assume you were referring to devices that go Kaboom in the comic books (as opposed to laptops, USB devices etc.). What cold-hearted monsters would do such a thing? That plane must have cost a fortune in tax revenue.

Well Sir, that you are still with us suggests that the devices were probably bought second-hand in Zimbabwe or at one of our many Primrose pawn shops. We so look forward to more at your next appearance (health permitting). I feared that we might be in for a dry - as- dust session but was delighted that my decision to forego an episode of Game Of Thrones was justified.

Yours in the epic struggle against spies and saboteurs.

Richard 

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

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White Noise

Dear Mr President 

I don't have to tell you that times are tough. Those health warnings on cigarette packs - yep, they're killing us. R120 a pack of cigarettes, probably manufactured from sweepings somewhere in Limpopo.

Anyway, I write to advise, not to complain. Both Messrs Zuma and Malema have hinted in recent times that most, if not all, our troubles can be traced back to the Whites. Come to think of it, Ms Mbete made similar revelations in her Al Jazeera interview. The one in which she made Einstein look slow-witted. And Trevor Noah look quite ordinary. Now, when a trio of such impartial, thoughtful intellects arrives at a similar conclusion, it must give us pause. These Whites seem to be quite a busy lot. Manipulation, monopolies, incitement of otherwise innocent politicians and others to villainy, fomenting discontent, causing depression and anger....the list goes on. I'm wondering about the unseasonal rains and bitterly cold weather. I have taken to scaring the children into obedience with: 'If you don't behave, the Whites will come and get you!'

Sir, I suggest that you focus your efforts on combatting this white noise. Success should see most of our problems disappear. There are some thorny questions to address, though. Who falls into this troublesome group? Is it purely an issue of melanin? Mr Malema has spoken of the white tendencies phenomenon. Mr Zuma warned of blacks who think like whites. Dear me, this starts to get complicated. Do we need paint shop specialists  to advise on the nice distinctions between various shades? I understand that the whole business of colours involves some subtle distinctions. Perhaps some apartheid era experts? There may be a few around. Let's do this properly.

While you wrestle with these questions of policy and philosophy, it could do no harm to take a bold step or two. Like those thought-leaders, L'Oreal. Why not ban white rice, White Christmas, A Whiter Shade of Pale and anything by Plain White, for now. That should serve as a warning shot, a preemptive strike. To speed things up, I suggest a committee or two and a commission of inquiry. 

Sir, I can spot troublesome Whites a mile off and am willing to serve.

Yours in the struggle against white noise.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

The Untouchables

Dear Mr Cele 

I was inspired by a video in which you seemed to confiscate liquor, brazenly transported in a private car. Some misguided people scoffed. Those of us who have caught your vision as surely as Mark Boucher ever gloved a cricket ball, cheered. Who knows what vile crimes might have been inspired by that liquor, as it flowed into gullets and guts? Inflaming perhaps unnatural, gross desires to loot, murder and pillage. This may well be your finest hour. Cometh the virus, cometh the man. Like Horatio at the bridge, I am sure you will be remembered as the man who held the intersection, come what may.

I am delighted that the action was captured on video. Great addition to training films for Policing 101. 

I suggest that you remain as our man on the spot, admonishing, confiscating, filming. I feel the confidence growing that we will soon walk the streets at midnight without fear of being molested. On the other hand, I'm confident that rapists, murderers and armed robbers shook in their shoes on viewing the video. I suggest some editing, then a well-publicized release as the Saturday night movie. A few close-ups of your stern lawman's visage, some Peckinpah style slow motion in the key sequences - a Mzansi classic is born. Perhaps we could spin it out into a Mzansi version of The Untouchables. 

In the interim, you could delegate the other stuff. You must have people more suited to the boring business of strategy, tactics, relationships and communication. Trivial stuff. Surely, they could handle gang violence, drug trafficking and the assortment of villainy that we've almost become accustomed to. You can get on with the critical stuff. Who knows but even now some black-hearted villain roams our streets, bottles of Scottish Leader and cartons of Sahawi in his trunk, like deadly weapons-grade plutonium. Go get them, sir. Your country relies on you.

Yours in the savage struggle against alcohol and crime (almost the same thing).

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

The Root

Dear Fellow South Africans

“In SA there’s no police brutality”.

“What a relief”, I sighed, though through my designer mask it came out more like: “What a load of steaming bullsh..t!” Remarkable how these masks will distort sound. That probably accounts for half the Kafkaesque stuff I thought I heard from our politicians.

Our minister of police reportedly said so. I believe him. As much as I do crime statistics. I’m sure all the press reports, videos and photos showing otherwise are nothing but a monstrous fake news campaign. Mounted, of course, by enemies of Law and Order. I once saw police roughing up a suspect in downtown Joburg but that must have been mass hypnotism (are there no depths…). The honourable minister is quite rightly concerned about community brutality that may result. Towards police. Yes, that is a worrying thought.

I must congratulate the minister on his, surely, thoroughly researched, groundbreaking discovery that, not money, but liquor is the root of all evil. An epiphany. I’ve often wondered why arrested cash heist criminals, hijackers and assorted villains look pissed out of their minds on TV. Al Capone and his mates must have been downing gallons of the stuff daily.

Just a request, Mr Minister. Please look at us when you do the crime statistics thing on TV. Much as I admire your taste in hats, long shots of the top of your Fedora don’t make for good viewing. A friend said that you were literally talking out of the top of your hat. I’d be happy to provide training on presentation skills at current state tender rates.

Yours in the struggle against villainy, alcohol (except in sanitizers) and other contributors to crime and disorder.

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Chill With Zuma

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O Tichmann 

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