White Noise

Dear Mr President 

I don't have to tell you that times are tough. Those health warnings on cigarette packs - yep, they're killing us. R120 a pack of cigarettes, probably manufactured from sweepings somewhere in Limpopo.

Anyway, I write to advise, not to complain. Both Messrs Zuma and Malema have hinted in recent times that most, if not all, our troubles can be traced back to the Whites. Come to think of it, Ms Mbete made similar revelations in her Al Jazeera interview. The one in which she made Einstein look slow-witted. And Trevor Noah look quite ordinary. Now, when a trio of such impartial, thoughtful intellects arrives at a similar conclusion, it must give us pause. These Whites seem to be quite a busy lot. Manipulation, monopolies, incitement of otherwise innocent politicians and others to villainy, fomenting discontent, causing depression and anger....the list goes on. I'm wondering about the unseasonal rains and bitterly cold weather. I have taken to scaring the children into obedience with: 'If you don't behave, the Whites will come and get you!'

Sir, I suggest that you focus your efforts on combatting this white noise. Success should see most of our problems disappear. There are some thorny questions to address, though. Who falls into this troublesome group? Is it purely an issue of melanin? Mr Malema has spoken of the white tendencies phenomenon. Mr Zuma warned of blacks who think like whites. Dear me, this starts to get complicated. Do we need paint shop specialists  to advise on the nice distinctions between various shades? I understand that the whole business of colours involves some subtle distinctions. Perhaps some apartheid era experts? There may be a few around. Let's do this properly.

While you wrestle with these questions of policy and philosophy, it could do no harm to take a bold step or two. Like those thought-leaders, L'Oreal. Why not ban white rice, White Christmas, A Whiter Shade of Pale and anything by Plain White, for now. That should serve as a warning shot, a preemptive strike. To speed things up, I suggest a committee or two and a commission of inquiry. 

Sir, I can spot troublesome Whites a mile off and am willing to serve.

Yours in the struggle against white noise.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

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O Tichmann 

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