Not The Nine O'clock News

Not The Nine O’clock News

Friday, January 3rd, 2020

Dear Mr Former President

What a ridiculous fuss in the WMC press about your visit to a Capitec branch.  I have been to various banks many times and have never experienced anything like it. I once even invited journalists to accompany me to witness first hand the cold,grasping behaviour of our banking people as they refuse once more to lend me a trifling couple of million for basic necessities. To keep body and soul and other bits together. A saga worthy of a Dickens novel, but do you think our fearless reporters had the gonads to tackle it? Obese chance.

It’s not as if you were cradling your famous ‘mshini’ or something. A friend of mine once had a similar fuss made when he visited his local bank. It might have had to do with the Uzzi in his bag. His intentions were of the purest kind. He merely wanted to use it as collateral for a loan. The inordinately cynical prosecutor failed to grasp this simple, logical explanation.

 I tell this story to illustrate how the most normal, everyday actions can become the subject of spurious and mischievous speculation. The aforementioned WMC press are particularly at fault here. This is probably because they are bankrupt of real news. To them I say: Go to the Daily Sun, thou sluggard, and be wise. There are enough tokoloshes, zombies; witches and other interesting persons swarming across the beloved land to keep any reporter worth his or her natural sea salt in business daily.

Unfortunately, the Stellenbosch - manipulated fourth estate seems obsessed with such mundane matters as state capture. This while we are in mortal danger of being overrun by things that go ‘eish’ in the night. Have they not seen the zombie series on DSTV? I am  certain that it is loosely based on actual events in the Land Of The Free. One only has to look at their choice of leader to believe that anything is possible there. We, of course, being rational South Africans, would never make such peculiar choices.

Anyway, sir, I hope that your visit to, say, Burger King, is not accompanied by ludicrous speculation as to why you chose Pepsi over Mountain Dew. Or why you did not visit McDonalds instead. People should leave you alone to enjoy a peaceful retirement and visit whichever bank strikes your fancy.

Incidentally, please do let me know when you will be visiting a Germiston branch. I would dearly love to have a photo with you as a momento of our warm, longstanding friendship (of which you may not be fully aware, as I suspect that misguided aides have been keeping my many friendly letters away from you).

Yours in the struggle against gossip passing for news.

Richard