Lost In Translation?

Inspired by the eloquence of philosopher Dr Ace and elder statesman Mr Zuma: a letter written some time ago. 

 Dear Mr Former President

 Congratulations to you and to Dr Ace on your contribution to the elegant cut and thrust of political discourse. I once thought your coining of the word 'meandos' was a crowning achievement. Your comment on state capture - 'just people doing things with other people', was a gem (echoes of Simon and Garfunkel?). It could mean anything at all and nothing at all; surely the highest form of politspeak - a sort of tenth dan achievement in the noble art. The only problem is that it is wide open to all sorts of salacious interpretation. 

 Dr Ace was not to be outdone. His treatise on when a meeting is not a meeting or may be a meeting but not the sort of meeting we consider a meeting, is....masterful. "I met with Zuma but I did not intend on meeting with Zuma as a meeting is not necessarily a meeting to meet individuals but rather a meeting intended to meet with him in a capacity that we had already met." This was probably a prime example of people doing things with other people - just not with individuals. Students of English and political science will surely study and analyse this piece for years to come.  

A letter on the editorial page of the Sunday Times hinted at your planning a Schwarzenegger - type comeback. Plots were said to be hatched at top Durban hotels. If so, good choice, sir. I can think of worse plot-hatching venues than The Maharani. I've heard that the food is excellent and would gladly join you should you again feel the need to hatch....anything.

 I take issue with the plotting allegations. For Dr Ace to compose that linguistic Gordian knot must surely have taken up the entire meeting. Precious little time left for any plotting worthy of the name. I firmly believe your meetings have been about shaping and polishing your oratorical skills. We look forward to more. 

 Yours in the quest for the perfect soundbite. 

 Richard

This Tender Land

Dear ANC

 You have opened up a world (or is it underworld?) of possibilities.

 You don't get much more broad based than extending deals to include those who have shuffled off this mortal coil. I refer, of course, to the rather handsome tender awarded to a departed businessman. 

Are we moving to ERET, Extreme Radical Economic Transformation? This should be celebrated, not condemned. Groundbreaking stuff. Bugger the moon landing, Mars trips and Elon Musk's achievement. You really should go big with the communication on this one. So many people will be dead keen to know more. 

I'm disappointed in TV news. Finding nothing locally, I checked Sky, the BBC, Al Jazeera, the lot. Nothing, zip, dololo. I guess it shows the lengths to which the WMC media will go to suppress, nay bury, your achievements. 

 I trust that you have roped in Prophet / Pastor / Bishop Lukau. He is one of our pioneers in fetching people from the 'undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveller returns'. (Take that, William). He could probably help you to reach out to more candidates for tenders.

 Pardon me for digging into insignificant details, but how do you pay? Some sort of crypt currency, I assume. Ethereal? You've had a lot of bad press recently. Time to resurrect your ratings, I'd say. 

 Yours in the struggle to redistribute wealth as widely as possible.

 Richard

Dark City - In Praise Of Eskom

Dear Eskom 

 Thank you. 

 At last I understand the biblical prophecy: 'Behold, the darkness shall cover the earth and gross darkness the people...' I just never realized how involved you would be in its fulfilment. If you had been there at the writing of Genesis, it would probably have read something like: God said: 'Let there be light'. And Eskom replied: 'Ja, well, no fine'. 

 ERMA. the East Rand Muggers' Association asked me to convey heartfelt thanks. It's been a bumper season. Our streets have always been poorly lit but they appreciate that you guys don't go in for half measures. An acquaintance in the alternative shopping business asked if you could supply a six month schedule. Christmas is not that far off and he'd like to draw up his quarterly plans. Wants to fit in several Black Fridays. 

 We do understand that it's been an incredibly tough balancing act for you guys. Running a (dark) comedy show, power utility and testing unique economic and business theories all in one go. You must be almost burned out.

 We do try to make the most of it. Sitting in the gloom, singing old favourites like 'Candle In The Wind' and the one about the lights all going out in Massachusetts. Also playing fun games like 'Guess The Next Electricity Hike'. 

 I'm dreaming of a bright Christmas but also heeding the advice of Dylan Thomas: 'Do not go gentle into that good night'. This is the East Rand, after all.

 Power to the people! 

 Richard

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Dead Poets And Politicians

This was written before the last election. 

 What would the dead poets have said about South Africa? Let's tweak Wordsworth: 

 Nine years have passed 

Nine summers with the length of nine long winters 

And again we see these waters rolling from corrupted springs.... 

 As we approach our Rubicon, die in hand, it might help to remember the words of e e cummings: 'A politician is an a...e.' Not always true. Sometimes insulting to a...s. Still, it's true often enough to warn us to cast the die with great care. 

Soberly. 

 Louis MacNeice might have been cautioning us (slightly cannibaiized):

 Our freedom as free lances

lanced Advances towards its end;

 This earth compels, 

upon it cliches and curses descend; 

And soon, my friend, 

We shall have no time for dances.

 And he may well have our measure as a country, in these lines: 

 We are dying, Egypt, dying 

And not expecting pardon 

Hardened in heart anew... 

 Please vote carefully. We may say in time: 'Now is the winter of our discontent made summer....' Or: Four years have passed Four summers with the length Of four harsh winters....

Eye Of The Tiger

Dear Mr Malema 

 I am concerned that you have not been your ebullient, voluble self lately.

 The stage two darkness reminded me of your treatment at the hands of the ever - treacherous WMC media. You once reportedly complained (last year) that eNCA distorted images of you, making you appear darker than you are. And there was I thinking that that was how you actually looked. Is there no limit to their cunning and depravity? They probably also tried to make you look fatter and shorter than you are (I'm sure you are neither). No wonder that you banned some of them from your press conferences. May they never darken your doorstep again. 

 Adding insult to injury was the journalist who called you a p..s. I wasn't familiar with the word. I had a sheltered upbringing (people at the shelter spoke only English). The Oxford and Cambridge dictionaries were no help. I assumed from the similarity in spelling and pronunciation that he was calling you a pussycat. An outrage. I was most indignant. That's akin to calling a tiger a domestic tabby. Sir, one may question your fighting technique but never your resolve. The technique issue is easily addressed through some martial arts training and my earler offer remains open ('Kung Fu': March 2017).

 I do hope that, in this time of great distress, the WMC press will forsake the dark side for a transparent approach to news reporting. 

 Yours in the struggle for balance and objectivity (plus some land).

 Richard

Sport, Politicians And Marijuana

Dear Fellow South Africans

 I have not wasted lockdown time. I'm pleased to share with you my research findings on the links between sport, marijuana and politicians.

 There are mixed feelings about the more relaxed approach to use of the herb of the family cannabaceae. With this rigorousIy researched information, I hope to pour coke on troubled brandy.

 Taken in appropriate quantities, the herb can actually improve performance in some sports. We've all heard cricket commentators say: "He's seeing the ball twice it's size". I thought that this had to do with time spent at the batting crease. Then one of our top batsmen admitted to sampling some of the islands' finest on a West Indies tour. This may well explain why the islands have produced a succession of fine batsmen. When we had a West Indian coach, I had hoped that our team would come out smoking for the World Cup. A new significance added to the green and gold? 

 The jury is still out on rugby. Some rugby referees do have one wondering. I have noticed this particularly when The Sharks have lost against lesser teams such as Stormers, Lions, Bulls and others.

 Unfortunately, the weed does not improve the performance of politicians. I am not suggesting that our own politicians indulge. Nevertheless, consider these few examples, taken from less disciplined countries to the north:

 MPs see nothing wrong in debating the meaning of the word 'fokol' at taxpayer expense. 

 A prominent statesman responds to national crises with bouts of hilarity.

 A popular populist confuses the verbs 'kill' and 'die', using them interchangeably.

 A party whose middle name is corruption vows weekly to eradicate corruption.

 Said party appoints, promotes and supports, with gay abandon, members under thick, dark, nimbus clouds. 

 After more than a quarter of a century in power, politicians blame George Soros, the Dutch East India Company , the previous regime, Bill Gates, third forces, local La Costra Nostra, whites, and for all one knows, Martians for everything from shoplifting to billion dollar disasters.

 There are only two possible explanations: insanity or use of mind-altering substances. Then again, perhaps it's the saliva. 

 Yours in the quest for knowledge and answers. 

 Richard

High Tea and Doctor Endeezee

Dear Fellow South Africans 

 Dr NDZ and Mr Cele warned us of the evils of smoking and drinking. 

I discovered a greater evil. Subtle, insidious, deceptive - abuse of tea. It all started when a judge hit the wall - literally. With his rather expensive car. The judge claimed to have been drinking tea. He later admitted to having had some wine. So it was reported. I believe the first report. I am a supporter of law and order, judges and all things judicial.

 I resolved to conduct the kind of thorough research that The Daily Sun is renowned for. I made some startling discoveries. Consider the following: What is it about tea that so inflamed the sober sons of Boston? Throwing hundreds of chests of tea into the harbour isn't what you'd expect at an eighteenth century tea party. 

 The samurai drank, not sake, but tea before battle. A man whose sole purpose in life is separating heads from bodies would know. Some people read tea leaves. No one goes around reading coffee grounds- or even dagga seeds. Sinister. What is the real meaning of high tea? Why should storms happen only in teacups? 

 Lest you think I am being frivolous (heaven forbid!), here is the most compelling evidence: Ever since Catherine Of Braganza took some tea over as part of her dowry, the English began to behave in eccentric, and sometimes downright antisocial ways. Why would a 'nation of shopkeepers' want to conquer the globe? One can picture the lords of the day, lolling among the overturned teacups. Their slurred speech would later become the 'aristocratic drawl'. 

 "I say, chaps. Why don't we jolly well conquer the whole earth?"

 "Very droll, Robert. Whatever for?"

 "Well, er, because it's there, old chap". 

 And thus, in all probability, began that chapter. 

 I suggest that the legal age for drinking tea be raised. We should conduct experiments on selected members of the legal professions. It's the responsible thing to do.

 Yours in the struggle against substance abuse. 

 Richard