Truth, Media, Mr Malema

Dear Mr Malema 

 Good on you for banning those meddlesome, captured media people from your events. I can see them squirming in anguish as they miss out on the revolutionary pearls of wisdom.

 Just today, someone on Twitter suggested that Mr Shivambu should sue Pauli van Wyk for 'deformation' of character. Initially, I thought that was an understandable spelling error. Then the chilling truth struck me like a strategically placed shoe in a parliamentary scuffle. What demonic powers do these journalists wield? 

No wonder you took that wise decision. I have cancelled her invitations to all of my press briefings. Sir, I trust only The Daily Sun for objective reporting. A tokoloshe, after all, is a tokoloshe, is a tokoloshe. No margin for fake news and bias there. Besides, any reporter courageous enough to chase a zombie down has my full confidence. I would give them an open door to all media events. 

 You were reported as saying that Mr Gordhan actually writes their questions (the suspect media people, not The Daily Sun). My, he is a busy man. I have long suspected his possible involvement in global warming, the American election and magwinya price - fixing. 

Sir, I am willing to follow that story, if you could see your way clear to covering some daily expenses. My needs, while on the murky trail, are simple. A hired Range Rover (so as to be inconspicuous in the relevant circles). Free passes to several...er...artistic dance clubs, where my informants are not afraid to bare all. I can assure you that I will write my own, penetrating questions.

 Yours in search of the naked truth.

 Richard

In Search Of Excellence 2017

Written back in the halcyon days of the Zuma era. 

 Dear Gupta Family 

 I apologize for not being able to greet you by first names. I am sure that that will change as we become, first, firm Facebook friends, then graduate to sharing stories and fine brandies before the fireplace.

 I am moved to congratulate you on your innovative approach to the recruitment business. If reports are to be believed, you have gone big. Of course I need to check the ever - reliable Daily Sun for confirmation. While other agencies dabble in such lowly appointments as brain surgeons and nuclear physicists, you focus on the creme de la creme. Cabinet ministers and the like, no less. At the standard 15% recruitment fee, that should translate to some tasty 'splodges of wonga' (to quote a great British entrepreneur). 

 The recent cabinet cleans....sorry...reshuffle must be an additional boon. That brings me to the purpose of my letter. I, too, wish to make a pil..er...contribution. As an avid Sharks supporter, I am a shoe-in for a role in the Sports Ministry. I am willing to endure the gruelling routine of attending rugby matches and the ordeal of five-star hotel accommodation. Throw me into the deep end, I say. 

 The security cluster is another natural home, as I've devoured spy novels all my life. Discretion and high ethical standards are my trademarks. I would never disclose official secrets, such as payments of facilitation fees, not even under waterboarding. (Which I've learned to handle from said novels, anyway). I used to spy on smoking schoolmates, so that ticks the experience box. 

 Roving African ambassador would also suit. I have worked in Botswana and Sierra Leone and flown over several other countries. I am an excellent communicator, adept at translating 'show me the money' into several languages. 

 I am flexible about remuneration and no amount is too large. 

 Yours in the struggle for excellence in recruitment. 

 Richard

FLOG Salutes Ms Ndabeni-Abrahams

Dear Ms Ndabeni-Abrahams

 We, of FLOG, the Front For The Liberation Of Geneva, salute you. Your bold declaration that Geneva is not part of Switzerland is just the sort of shot in the butt that our cause needed. 

We have long languished under the yoke of occupation, our struggle ignored by the international community. You have become for us a modern Che Guevara of international diplomacy. Your own country's history of valiant struggle against tyranny commends you as a sort of Wilhelmina Tell. As you can tell, we have done our Google research.We were a little puzzled by references to the liberation and redeployment of billions in taxpayer dollars in your country. Perhaps you can explain that on your next, much anticipated, visit.

 You are the very first visitor to see beyond the facade of the contented, chocolate - munching, gluhwein - sipping citizen. You have heard the discordant note in our yodels. Please do let us know when next you plan to visit (with your esteemed spouse, of course). We wish to bestow upon you the freedom of the city-state. It goes without saying that we also intend to present you with our highest award, the Wilhelm Tell Award (a bronzed bow with arrow-pierced apple).

 Yours in the grim struggle for self - determination. 

 Klaus Kornfeld 

 Secretary General of FLOG

Fat Of The Land

Written some years ago, before my blog host pulled a vanishing food parcel act (iblog.co.za, in case you're also looking for them). 

 It does seem that, in South Africa, the more things change, the more they stay the same. One - sized trough fits all pigs.

 Dear Lepelle Nkupi Councillors

 Bravo. The citizen describes your municipality as financially crippled yet still having the chutzpah to spend more than half a million on expensive wines, whiskeys and catering at the state of the municipality address.

 Interestingly, a similar sum was mentioned in connection with those entertainment areas for some deserving MP's. (Read my lips. not braai areas). Is there a some mystique about the half-a-million Rand mark? 'Half A Million Blown' does make slightly better reading than 'Millions Wasted'. Good thinking. 

Clearly, you have also mastered the financial approach that works so well for some SOEs, various state entities and assorted municipalities. Simply stated: spend your way out of the financial toilet, or, might as well be hung for a whole flock as for a lamb. Also known as the Marie Antoinette school of Economics: let them drink whiskey.

 Your bold 'can -spend' approach raises some interesting questions and points. First, many South Africans whose finances are in a similar, parlous state would love to know how you do it. We too would love to turn our deficits into the stuff of feasting and drinking. Please do share once your digestive systems have settled. Second it's a mystery to us as to why you needed 6 hours, heaps of grub and gallons of booze to convey the simplest and most obvious of messages: our municipality is stuffed. 

Of course, we South Africans will party at the drop of a makaraba. Who am I to question culture and tradition? Budgets and corporate governance are so last decade. Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow there's the taxpayer. 

 Typically, the spoilsport DA carped about your catering costs. People, they say, are wallowing in poverty. They don't have access to such basic services as water. Lighten up D A people. Who needs water when there's fine whiskey and wine? I am glad to see that you responded that the money is a drop in the ocean. Please lead us to that abundant ocean. Many of us could do with a drop of that dimension. 

 Yours in the quest for memorable state of the municipality addresses.

 Richard

Lords Of The Bling

In the shires lived the people of Middleground. 

Not always happily, for there were divisions among those who wore white, those who wore black and those whose preferences ran to multi-hued garments.

 Little did they know that misery untold was yet to come. For the lords of Moredough had discovered the Bling. A magical ring that made the wearer's deeds invisible, many in Middleground sought the Bling. Some for good, some for evil. But the Bling made many a person mad with greed and the lust for power. And so it came to pass that the thick smoke of corruption and greed rose daily from the towers of Moredough. And from its gates, the Okes, half - man, half beast, poured out to rob and to plunder. Fear and anger reigned in Middleground.

 But the Bling began to lose it's power from excessive use. The eyes of the people were opened. They saw the devastation wreaked by the brutish Okes. Smelled the stench of the thick smoke rising daily from Moredough. And they said: "Enough". Middleground rose up.

 Only the dwarves, gaily dressed in scarlet said: "We will not join in your battle. We have other fish to fry." And they danced off gaily down the streets, as was their custom.

In The Name Of Freedom

Dear Fellow South Africans 

 I thank the ANC and Mr Mnangagwa of Zimbabwe. I have been wrestling with problems of horrific debt and everything else that makes South Africa no country for old men - or anyone else who is not an ANC cadre or politicopreneur.

 I have adopted their novel, courageous approach to facing down the elephants in the room. I have renamed myself and my dogs. My street comes next. 'Fir Avenue' reeks of all things colonial. White Christmases, large, red jacketed men on reindeer - drawn sleighs and other hateful reminders of our colonial past. I removed the garden gnome  - another bearded white person. I was about to throw out the refrigerator when I spotted a half-dozen Castles and a wedge of cheese in it. I renamed it instead. 

 I have written to all my creditors, pointing out that usury is quintessentially a foreign, colonial invention. I have asked them to join me in breaking the chains so that we both may be free at last. 

 This is not solely about me and my struggles. I have drawn up a list of helpful renaming suggestions for our leaders. One example: William Nicol to William Nick All. In line with our culture. Easy and less confusing to adapt to.

 Complementing that patriotic initiative, I am careful about appropriate education for the kids. No Ali Baba And The Forty Thieves for them. Baba And The Forty Thousand Thieves is far more culturally correct for our part of the world.

 I do my part. 

 Yours in the struggle to rename our way to peace and prosperity.

 Richard

Trump, Zille, All Atwitter

Dear Mr Trump 

I voted for you in the last election. My vote was discounted on the flimsy justification that I am South African. Damned Democrats. I wear American clothes, eat KFC, use American Express and drink Starbucks coffee (in great quantities). I am going to try an online vote this time and we hope to carry you into the house as the comrades carried Tony Yengeni into the other house.

 Be that as it may. I read some years ago that you and Ms Zille may be addicted to / enslaved by Twitter ('verslaaf' was the Afrikaans word used). As one who keeps himself pure and aloof from the fleshly temptations of the cyberworld, I offer this. I have long suspected that Twitter and other social media are the infernal tools of the enemy of mankind. One hears of such sinister things as trolls, bots and 'Twitter gaol'. What next? Twitter executions?

 Sir, I have noticed that your ran...sorry....tweets have become increasingly numerous and, er, weighty. I fear that World War Three may be triggered by Twitter activity. Perhaps even fought on Twitter. You seem to be making strides in that direction. Ms Zille, in contrast, has been relatively restrained of late, I think. It may be that she has been taking the cure I am about to offer you.

 If you can see your way clear to a sponsored visit, I can offer you a case of quality mampoer. It's been known to awake people from a deep coma. Some rooibos, videos of famous Springbok rugby victories (the Bafana video went missing) and a five minute video entitled 'Wise Words Of South African Politicians' complete the cure. A pleasant, painless rehabilitation programme.

 A White House tour and a brief chat on foreign policy (walling techniques etc.) will be adequate compensation. 

Yours in the struggle against human trafficking. 

Richard