Dear Gupta Family
I apologize for not being able to greet you by first names. I am sure that that will change as we become, first, firm Facebook friends, then graduate to sharing stories and fine brandies before the fireplace.
I am moved to congratulate you on your innovative approach to the recruitment business. If reports are to be believed, you have gone big. Of course I need to check the ever - reliable Daily Sun for confirmation. While other agencies dabble in such lowly appointments as brain surgeons and nuclear physicists, you focus on the creme de la creme. Cabinet ministers and the like, no less. At the standard 15% recruitment fee, that should translate to some tasty 'splodges of wonga' (to quote a great British entrepreneur).
The recent cabinet cleans....sorry...reshuffle must be an additional boon. That brings me to the purpose of my letter. I, too, wish to make a pil..er...contribution. As an avid Sharks supporter, I am a shoe-in for a role in the Sports Ministry. I am willing to endure the gruelling routine of attending rugby matches and the ordeal of five-star hotel accommodation. Throw me into the deep end, I say.
The security cluster is another natural home, as I've devoured spy novels all my life. Discretion and high ethical standards are my trademarks. I would never disclose official secrets, such as payments of facilitation fees, not even under waterboarding. (Which I've learned to handle from said novels, anyway). I used to spy on smoking schoolmates, so that ticks the experience box.
Roving African ambassador would also suit. I have worked in Botswana and Sierra Leone and flown over several other countries. I am an excellent communicator, adept at translating 'show me the money' into several languages.
I am flexible about remuneration and no amount is too large.
Yours in the struggle for excellence in recruitment.
Richard
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