Don't Call Us - Ever

Dear South African Editors 

 Granted, Jayzed, Dr Ace and friends keep you very busy. We freelancers would really appreciate the odd response to our submissions though. A courteous 'b***** off' would suffice. I know it's even harder for the thinking man or thinking woman's newspaper, The Daily Sun. Tracking down zombies, short boys and witches must be devilishly hard work. My only gripe is that vampires are not getting fair coverage. 

 I propose a simple procedure for dealing with those irksome submissions from freelancing peasants. Below is a list of standard responses which could be delegated to a secretary, who could then do a 'my mother said I should pick this one' selection. She could then mail the responses and Bob's your ex - president. Feel free to use these in combination. 

 Why didn't you take your mother's advice and become a teacher?

 Voertsek. 

 Does your mother know you write this stuff?  

Do you have a mother? 

 What harm have we ever done you? (Apologies to Peanuts) 

 Have you considered an alternative career - mass murderer or something? 

 We suggest you hurry back to the mother ship. 

 Whoever told you you could write will burn for eternity.

 Don't call us ever. 

 How did you get our address in your jungle dwelling? 

 May we recommend a good psychiatrist? 

 Burn your matric certificate and, if it were legal, your English teacher.

 In the words of our former president: 'heh, heh, heh'. 

 We have never used the word 'execrable' as a compliment, until now. 

 I trust this will help and I am sure freelancers will be glad of a response. You may remember the siege of an editor's house some time ago. I am not saying that I was behind it.

 I look forward to one of these encouraging, nurturing responses in the future. 

 Yours in the struggle for (some) communication.

 Richard