Queen's Gambit

Dear Ms Myeni 

 I had high hopes for your commission performance. You started out so well. 'If I were white I would not have been presumed guilty'. That's quite a classic opening move. A bit like the Queens Gambit in chess. In these times it's extremely handy to move the white pieces with boldness and speed. We know that whites are responsible for everything that has happened, is happening and will happen in our world. The current problems with the US election can easily be traced back to white mischief. It follows that the same must apply to problems in Ivory Coast and other trouble spots. 

 Disappointingly, after that electrifying opening move, you then reverted to the most boring tactic in the book. It was like watching Bobby Fischer suddenly call 'draw' Madam I did not pay a TV licence to hear endless repetitions of the 'might incriminate myself' defence. I can see Ms Hofmeyer, Judge Zondo and you falling into a deep slumber at this rate. 

May I suggest some classic defences and attacks used most successfully by various public figures. Here they are. 

 The antonym defence. Example: ' I meant die for Mr X, not kill for Mr X'. 

 The Atypical Transient Global Amnesia defence. Example: 'I can't remember my date of birth, my date of marriage, today's date or which planet I am on'. 

 The 'they are out to get me' defence. This move allows one to choose from a wonderful smorgasbord of persecutors. Pravin Gordan, assorted spies, white Monopoly Capital, the Monopoly board game, Herman Mashaba, third fourth and fifth forces, are but a few. Please tap liberally into this one. 

 No defence or attack is complete without the 'it's apartheid' defence. This is a veritable Aladdin's cave of defence jewels. It would be criminal not to dip in. 

 You might take a leaf out of Mr Trump's voluminous book and use such versatile tools as 'fake news', 'fraud' and 'conspiracy'. 

 There's also the 'I didn't inhale' defence. Oops, sorry, that's for someone else I'm advising. 

 Madam, I believe that I have given you enough to start with . We can discuss other deliciously innovative moves as we take this Queen's Gambit to the limits.

 Let us follow the example of Mr Zuma among others, in transforming potentially boring sessions into seat - gripping drama. 

There is still opportunity for nomination to the Chutzpah awards. 

Carpe diem, Ms Myeni. 

 Yours in the struggle for inspirational commission performances. 

 Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Flying, Finance And Fatcakes

Dear Ms Kwinana 

 I am in a quandary. 

I had Mr Zuma down as a sure thing for the South African Chutzpah Awards. For his Spies, Lies And DVDs performance at the commission. Then you came along, as the crooner sang. 

 Your straight - faced delivery of some of the funniest lines of the decade was a triumph. The shtick about terms and conditions vs contract still renders me helpless with laughter each time I remember it. Why, oh why, didn't I have this much fun drawing up all those damned employment contracts in HR? 

 You have shattered the myth that accountants have no sense of humour. I really like your 'what-the-heck' approach to the otherwise deadly dull legal stuff. Reminds me of the Marx Brothers movie where a contract is torn up piece by piece in response to 'do we really need this clause?' Did you guys ever do that? Your performance was so comically surreal that I felt like the writer of these lines:

 'Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth 

And danced the skies on laughter - silvered wings..' 

 Wouldn't this perhaps describe your lighthearted, innovative approach to the whole national carrier thing? People can be so dour. Nothing wrong with a bit of fun and inspiration. 

 Just for the hell of it, could you sign a contract for me? I'll fill in the insignificant details once you've signed the terms and conditions. A sort of 'just like old times' exercise. I can also see that it's quite easy to forget having signed the odd billion rand contract. One signs so many things these days. And there's so much going on. Elections in US and Ivory Coast, Hollywood and Bollywood style arrests in South Africa, DA conference, Stormers defeat....Is it any wonder that the little things may slip through cracks? 

 To those unkind folk who cast aspersions on your fitness as a chartered accountant, I say: 'Can you reduce the mysteries of high finance to a simple fatcake analogy?' Being partial to fatcakes myself, I found it most appropriate and enlightening. You clearly have your feet firmly planted on the ground - or hands firmly planted in the dough. 

 Yours in the love of flying, finance and fatcakes. 

 Richard

Bollywood- Style Arrest

Dear Law Enforcement Agencies

 Some time ago, I was awarded a couple of tenders to build bridges in Limpopo. At the time I happily hummed snatches of 'Love To Tender' and 'Try A Little Tendering'. So blissfully unaware was I of the trauma and grief that can follow a successful tender.

 I now see people being arrested left, right and centre (mainly on the left). As far as I can recall, I did nothing wrong. My cousin, who heads up the Finance Department, had nothing to do with this tender beyond a routine signature. 

 My civil engineering knowledge is limited to slashing my way through thick undergrowth with a panga. But we crossed that bridge. I subcontracted to someone who in turn subcontracted to someone else, who...Anyway, you get the drift. I am not sure whether the bridges were actually built or not. At any rate, it's my opinion that Limpopo looks better without bridges. Less colonized.

 But, to the heart of the matter. Like many of my comrades, I am disgusted and affronted and also pissed off by the Hollywood- style arrests. The dominance of White Monopoly Controlled, culturally insensitive policing must end. Phansi ne WMCCIP, phansi. We are a multicultural, African country. 

Should things come to that, I would prefer to be arrested Bollywood - style. I have appropriate theme music. I can have a troupe of dancing extras in within minutes. I request that the arresting officers be colourfully clad and in fine voice. Let's do this well or not at all (my preferred option). 

 Yours in the struggle for fairness, justice, professionalism. 

 Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

The Annual SA Chutzpah Awards

The comedies have been scintillating, the dramas spellbinding, the acting intense and flawless. For the judges, agonizingly difficult choices. 

Brushing aside such tough contenders as The Illegal Immigrant Who Defrauded COJ Of Millions, three productions stand out. Spies, Lies And DVDs has all the high drama of the world of espionage with moments of sheer comic genius. And this potentially awkward marriage of genres works largely because of a command performance from method actor, Jayzed. Known to his adoring fans as Number One, his Brandoesque mumble and trademark giggle had moviegoers riveted. A solid performance from a supporting cast of judge and legal eagles. I shan' t spoil the twisting, suspense - filled plot, but expect spies, lies and nasty devices. Rumour has it that Part II is on the way. Negotiations with the star are underway. 

 Tony Y stars in the side-splitting comedy The Righteous Stuff. The plot is a little far-fetched but the straight-faced delivery from a brilliant ensemble cast make this one well worth watching. A group of politicians and concerned citizens take on a corrupt, crumbling government. Under a couple of nimbus clouds themselves, they keep the audience guessing, as the witty, ironic one-liners fly. Watch for some of the funniest letters ever featured in a movie.You may recall Tony's starring role in another comedy, And Justice For All. He played a man who rose from obscurity to become head of an integrity committee.Jessie D won best supporting actress for that one. Her comic timing was nothing short of superb.

 Aces High is the story of one man's duel with the system. A convoluted plot, as a man with a mysterious past plays a high-stakes hawk and mouse game. Will they? Won't they? It does become a tad drawn out. But stay with this one. The explosive climax makes it all worthwhile. 

 And the Chutzpah goes to....

Ashes To Ashes

Dear Mr Malema 

 I once thought that The Siege Of SONA was your finest hour. I should have known that a CIC of your calibre would gather honours like the Namaqualand wildflowers. Siege Of Clicks, Siege Of Senekal. 

Doubtless the list, like the heart in that Titanic theme song, will go on. Rommel could not have scaled such heights. But then, he was white (even if somewhat tanned by the desert sun).

 You certainly started fires (whoa, don't sue - let me finish) in the hearts of your adoring followers. A professed Ground Forces member tweeted that everything (including animals) should be burnt, so that the land can be reclaimed. I think he meant the ash. But then again, who can argue against superior logic?

 Another private or corporal gave his or her measured opinion that Afrikaans is a useless language. I'm sure that dismayed former speakers of the language are abandoning it in droves.Probably turning to Gujarati and Mandarin. Yet another went further to declare it a satanic language. One must bow to the superior wisdom and experience of those who have accumulated special knowledge in that realm. Tutored, one supposes, by the master of the realm himself. 

 Sir, one doesn't want to hammer on about your philosophical blurring of the distinction between killing and dying for a person or cause. Nevertheless, can we expect a song about dying for the boer? Nah, perish the thought.

 Yours in whichever struggle comes next. 

 Richard

Crime In Black And White

Dear Mr Masina

 Are these really your words or has your account been hacked by a raving lunatic? Or someone on Durban Poison?

 "Blacks people must unite, these arrests are targeting abt black professionals and black business. We need to stand up and be counted. Some Whites have been stealing with impunity and they not arrested. It’s now or never." 

 When I had finished laughing, I succumbed to the irresistible urge to pen this letter to you. A friend had his first SASSA payout stolen before he could draw it. He too, saw the side-splitting humour in this tweet. Sir, what I understand is: 

 1. We should support suspects because they are black 

 2. There ought to be proportional representation of white suspects, a sort of BEE approach (more like WEE).

 I am sure that my friend will bear his misfortune with greater fortitude if it turns out that the fraudsters were, in the main, black. Of course, if there is appropriate white representation as well, I should think he will be giddy with joy.

 How do you suggest we show our support? I am quite willing to carry any number of those convicted shoulder high to the prison of choice. One doesn't want to quarrel with custom and tradition. Of course, weight limits need to be taken into account.

 Sir, I plan also to be mugged only by white muggers. I am planning my work and shopping routes accordingly. Over and above these patriotic efforts, I'm happy to forward your list (soon forthcoming, I'm sure) of white suspects to the relevant authorities. That, with a request that they be detained by black officers. I hope that helps.

 It's now or never, says the message. The latter seems more likely but we live in hope.

 Not only are you active in the struggle for proportional suspect representation but I see that you are planning to showcase service delivery. As any good City Of Ekhuruleni mayor should. Please include the magical, mystery bus service. We had such fun guessing and betting on whether buses would show up towards the end of last year. It kept us entertained for weeks. 

 Yours in the struggle for proportional representation.

 Richard

The Zuma Odyssey: 2018

Dear Mr President 

 Our friendly correspondence draws to a close. The long day wanes. The slow moon climbs and all that. 

You will recognize that fragment from Tennyson's Ulysses, whose epic voyage rather resembles yours. Except that yours seems to have been written by Homer Simpson, rather than the Greek poet whose name he bears. It may not be the deep that moans round with many voices but certainly the whole country has been moaning for a long, long time. Mourning too. Perhaps the sirens' song had deafened you. 

 The line from Tennyson's poem that is most apt for you: Push off and sitting well in order smite the sounding furrows.... Just the first two words. You were getting so close to the truly greats: Uncle Bob, Mbasogo of Equatorial Guinea, Al-Bashir and the rest. A few more years and you could have totally gutt....I mean...transformed the country. 

 According to the 'novels' that you recently referred to, you could have taught Ulysses a thing or two about Trojan horses. SARS, the NPA, Treasury, the security cluster, fell faster than Troy, we are told, as your men poured out of their wooden horses like a cockr...sorry... commando invasion. You got by Scylla and Charybdis. Or was it Zille and Charybdis? Your cyclops could have been those steely-eyed judges. Just as Ulysses did, you tried to get by them, shielded by a sheep. It almost worked until they declared that The Sheep Stops Here.

 It would be remiss of us not to mention the men and women who rowed so lustily at your command. Oblivious to the ever-present peril of imminent shipwreck. 'I number them too in the song'. 

 Now you have returned from your wanderings to find the house full of suitors. Sadly, there is no great bow to bend. You broke it and this one ends differently. It has been a long wearisome voyage. Still, as Tennyson put it: 

 Though much is taken much abides and tho We are not now that strength which in old days

 Moved Earth and heaven,

 that which we are we are; 

 One equal temper of heroic hearts, Made weak by time and fate,

 but strong in will To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

 Yours in the quest for a safe harbour.

 Richard