Queen's Gambit

Dear Ms Myeni 

 I had high hopes for your commission performance. You started out so well. 'If I were white I would not have been presumed guilty'. That's quite a classic opening move. A bit like the Queens Gambit in chess. In these times it's extremely handy to move the white pieces with boldness and speed. We know that whites are responsible for everything that has happened, is happening and will happen in our world. The current problems with the US election can easily be traced back to white mischief. It follows that the same must apply to problems in Ivory Coast and other trouble spots. 

 Disappointingly, after that electrifying opening move, you then reverted to the most boring tactic in the book. It was like watching Bobby Fischer suddenly call 'draw' Madam I did not pay a TV licence to hear endless repetitions of the 'might incriminate myself' defence. I can see Ms Hofmeyer, Judge Zondo and you falling into a deep slumber at this rate. 

May I suggest some classic defences and attacks used most successfully by various public figures. Here they are. 

 The antonym defence. Example: ' I meant die for Mr X, not kill for Mr X'. 

 The Atypical Transient Global Amnesia defence. Example: 'I can't remember my date of birth, my date of marriage, today's date or which planet I am on'. 

 The 'they are out to get me' defence. This move allows one to choose from a wonderful smorgasbord of persecutors. Pravin Gordan, assorted spies, white Monopoly Capital, the Monopoly board game, Herman Mashaba, third fourth and fifth forces, are but a few. Please tap liberally into this one. 

 No defence or attack is complete without the 'it's apartheid' defence. This is a veritable Aladdin's cave of defence jewels. It would be criminal not to dip in. 

 You might take a leaf out of Mr Trump's voluminous book and use such versatile tools as 'fake news', 'fraud' and 'conspiracy'. 

 There's also the 'I didn't inhale' defence. Oops, sorry, that's for someone else I'm advising. 

 Madam, I believe that I have given you enough to start with . We can discuss other deliciously innovative moves as we take this Queen's Gambit to the limits.

 Let us follow the example of Mr Zuma among others, in transforming potentially boring sessions into seat - gripping drama. 

There is still opportunity for nomination to the Chutzpah awards. 

Carpe diem, Ms Myeni. 

 Yours in the struggle for inspirational commission performances. 

 Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723