Dr Ace's Catch 2021

 Dear Dr Ace

I know you to be a philosopher (honorary turkey..., sorry, Turkish university degree).

Brilliant that you now show us another dimension. What a sense of humour. Reminds me of Major Major Major Major in 'Catch 22'. I suppose we could call this particular satire / comedy Catch 2021. 'Suspense rises as suspended Secretary General suspends president.'

I'm sure we'll be seeing more of this sort of thing as soccer and rugby players fish red cards out of their back pockets. Of course, we need a Catch 22 - type rule to manage suspensions. I suggest the following:

"Any Secretary General of the ANC may lawfully suspend any other member, passerby or likely looking candidate, unless said SG has himself / herself been suspended, in which case the suspension letter must be backdated and accompanied by a picture of the suspender with a copy of the day's newspaper. 

Catch 2021

When a counter-suspension has been issued, the validity of both the initial suspension and the counter-suspension shall be debated and / or decided at an NEC meeting, followed by various other meetings to be decided upon at said NEC meeting. Marches, threats, hysterical outcries and unintelligible statements may form an organic part of the process but will not be taken into account in arriving at a decision. Unless one or both parties decide otherwise.

There, sir, I'm sure that clears it up.

The best form of defence is attack. You have done so brilliantly and with great humour. Better to go out doubled up with laughter. Well done sir.

Yours in the struggle for fresh, original humour.

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

 

Confessions Down South

 Overheard in a confessional.

"Father, I am a politician."

"No sin is too great for God's love, my son."

"No, father. It's that I redeployed  large sums of taxpayers' money. I was overcome by a force too strong for me."

"Are you saying that the devil made you do it?"

"No, father. Apartheid."

"What did you do with the money, my son?"

"I gave to the poor, my family. They are no longer poor."

"You must now step aside from this path, my son."

"I'll try, father. It's difficult. As the poet said:

'When I consider how my loot is spent,

E're half my days..'

Second congregant:

"Father, I went on a wild spree: wine, women and song. Can I be forgiven?"

"No sin is too great for God's love, my son."

"Father, I also voted ANC and EFF. I was overcome by a force too strong for me."

"The evil one?"

"Food parcels, braais, song and dance."

"God sees your repentant heart, my son."

"But, father, despite all that I have seen and experienced, I did it several times."

"Oh, no, my son!"

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

With Hindsight

 Dear Fellow South Africans  

The president faced questions about campaign contributions. Surely none of us can escape scrutiny.

I am therefore stepping up to the wicket of my own free will. 

I wish to clarify and explain the circumstances around my campaign to be class president several years ago. My campaign was financed by Bassa's General Dealers, purveyors of fine sweets and confections. This was common practice at the time. Indeed, worldwide, I suspect. I must state categorically that no promises were made or implied. There was no expected quo for the quid. I did recommend Bassa's to classmates but that, too, was common practice. With hindsight, perhaps the full nelson was a persuasive technique no longer appropriate in these more enlightened times.

It was also common practice to lobby for votes on various issues. For example, we defeated a vote of no confidence after some civilized, rational discussion. And negotiating techniques widely used internationally (Sicily, Colombia etc.). Again, with hindsight, things could have been done differently. The soles of the feet are apparently better suited for this sort of thing. That's according to the better espionage thrillers.

We also used cadre deployment. Our deployees, however, were well muscl.., sorry, qualified. Disciplined too, as they never questioned decisions, regardless of how, er, innovative those were.

It's important to point out that policy was never made on Twitter or Facebook. Ours was a collegiate leadership. Besides, we had only Mixit back then.

I am ready and willing to testify at the commission's pleasure. Health permitting, of course. It is flu season.

Yours in the struggle for full disclosure.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Scavengers: The Movie

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

We South Africans often underestimate our abilities and talents. Who says we can't compete with the best of foreign filmmakers? I'm not referring to the award - winning octopus movie. Let's go bigger and bolder.

I watched several of the Avengers movies. Let me tell you that we can lick them with one hand tied to a food parcel.

They have the X-Men and Thor, god of thunder. We have ex-men and women who have mutated into gods of plunder. In one of the Avenger movies, parts of Johannesburg were destroyed during an epic battle. That's nothing. Our Scavengers destroyed most of South Africa without breaking into a sweat.

Why, by the way, was the attack not reported by the contemptible WMC media? Oh no, too busy attacking heroes of the revolution (the comedy revolution).

Which so-called superhero can bend the minds of millions of people to his will?  Can Captain America flit around the land defying the forces of law and order, gravity, logic and reason? And still be hailed as a hero by many? And that without even a teeny, tin shield. Scavengers rule.

Yours in the struggle for lekker, local epics.

Richard

Trillions

 Dear Fellow South Africans  / Dear Hawks

I was at the ATM (the machine) this morning. While meditating on the glorious deeds of the other ATM (the party), I accidentally entered tweve zeroes on my deposit. It looked like this (listen carefully): R300 000 000 000 000. Anyway, close enough. I wish to make it abundantly clear that this was a perfectly innocent mistake. It has nothing to do with the other twelve-zeroed sum floating somewhere in our own South African Bermuda Triangle.

I can prove that the R300 was legitimately earned by the sweat of my, or someone else's brow and armpits. I have a cash slip for the pre-loved food parcel that I sold.

Nevertheless, I am keen to assist in the hunt for the missing trillions. It sounds more exciting than the hunt for Red October. Incidentally, I was involved in that too - read the book and watched the movie. I have had a great deal of experience in social distancing from bank managers, mashonisas and other risky types. I am therefore familiar with the sort of tricks involved in this type of shenanigan. I believe that the banking world consists of dark labyrinths and catacombs, pregnant with even darker secrets. It's time they were  brought into the light, to quote Mr Zuma or Dr Ace or someone. In the interests of sens.., I mean, truth, I will keep my trusted contact at The Daily Sun updated.

Yours in the struggle for truth, transparency and similar stuff.

Richard 

The Border

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I am very concerned about reports of illegal immigrants involved in criminal activities and taking jobs from South Africans. 

For a patriotic South African who knows the words of the national anthem and Jerusalema, this is most disturbing. Of course, it is easy to fly off half - cocked. Do we really know the statistics? Have they been checked by Mr Zuma for accuracy?

It would be grossly unfair for us to be squeezed out of the crim.., I mean, job market by illegal immigrants. 

Are the numbers exaggerated or are we being overrun? I have worked extremely hard to get where I am (Central Johannesburg). Crossing the Limpopo, fighting off crocodiles and border guards (sometimes being unable to tell the difference), was no joke. 

Something must be done and I intend to contact my MP (last seen in the vicinity of Clicks).

Yours in the struggle for proper immigration controls.

Richard

Saafrica: Oliver's Travels Continue

 Dear reader, we took our leave of the Fair Cape with some sadness. However, our spirits were lifted by the sight of vast  numbers of people singing and dancing in the streets. To my astonishment, our guide imparted that they were angry about some perceived injustice. Astonishing, for they danced nimbly and sang most lustily. What, I inquired, did they do when they were merry? The same, replied our guide, notably to a folk song about Jerusalem. We were in no small measure mystified.

The Northern Cape is a rugged region, peopled by a rugged,  but friendly populace. Great storytellers, the cadence of their speech was almost musical to the ear. I was distressed to  note that despite many appearances of a civilization equal to ours, they prepared their meat upon open fires. Still, the victuals were most pleasing to our palates. Indeed, they surpassed even the nationally favoured dish, kayefsee, which our guide had obtained for us on the road. (He explained that many of those who serve the people favour this repast, as it bestows strength and the nourishment necessary to rule wisely).

In the region named The Free State, giants do roam the land. They are partial to a sport in which an oval ball is pursued, then once gathered, immediately kicked away. Closely resembling warfare, it is nevertheless enjoyed by great and small. Little else of interest happens in this region, once famed for great dairy herds.

I shall be at pains, dear reader, to write of our journey through other parts: the fabled City Of Gold (where savage beasts stalk), Durban, Place Of Great Burning and the rest of this land of mystery and magic.