From Russia With Love

 

Written during the glorious reign of Jayzed 

Wednesday, October 25th, 2017

Dear Mr Putin Zdravstvujtye

I want you to know that we South Africans love Russians. We often have them with chips for lunch.

Now that it seems you will be playing a prominent part in our lives, it seemed merely polite to learn a phrase or two in your language. Love the informal version of ‘How are you?’ - ‘Kak dyela’. I think there’s going to be a lot of that going around now that you are making your macho presence felt. The greeting, I mean.

How good it is (to quote Marvin Gaye) to see the leader of a great country show concern for us and our power challenges. Rumour has it that your concern stretched to giving us sage council on our latest cabinet composition. I’m not sure whether you worked with the innovative recruitment agency in Saxonworld. At any rate, you have been both prime minister and president for so many years that I’m sure you can spot pupp…sorry. talented people a mile off.

Clearly, since you took an iron grip on the helm of the ship Mother Russia, things are going so swimmingly that you now have time to assist Donald and our own JZ. I imagine that you can boast that there’s a chicken Kiev in every pot in the motherland. To those South Africans fussing about your alleged interference (I call it glasnost), I quote from my comment to Donald: what you get out of cabinet reshuffles depends on what you Putin.

One of Tom Clancy’s books features a Russian gang called the Seven Strong Men. The three of you makes for a good start (not that I’m suggesting that you are a gang - heaven forbid). It’s a pity that Donald offended that nice North Korean fellow by threatening to rain down hellfire or something. He may mangle the language but he doesn’t mince words, our Donald. Incidentally, it was most instructive to follow the witty, eloquent exchange as the other fellow called Donald a lunatic. Ah, the subtle cut and thrust of diplomacy on the global stage. Could have taught Obama a thing or two. Our own chaps have elevated this to a fine art, of course, calling one another dogs, rats and  other symbolic names on one memorable occasion. We occasionally climax these fine debates with what Mad Magazine called non - verbal, sensory interchanges (the Afrikaans acronym is M.O.E.R.). I think you will fit right in with our skop, skiet, donner and snotklap political milieu.

We do look forward to benefitting from your expertise and experience in matters nuclear. Does the vodka still glow in the dark in the regions around Chernobyl?

Just on a more personal note, I’ve heard that you are an active, sporting man. I understand that Russian roulette combines the thrills and suspense of the most exciting sports on the planet.

Yours in the quest for glasnost, perestroika and caviar.

Richard

Long March

Dear EFF Leadership 

I have always been in the vanguard during our historic marches. At least in spirit. 

I lost my beret in Brackenfell (not the title of a country song).

I am concerned, though, that the marches are becoming increasingly hazardous. Despite my unquenchable revolutionary fervour, I could not suppress a shiver on hearing that we would march on an old-age home. Do you have any idea how dangerous senior citizens can be? They ran Zimbabwe into the ground. Some say that they are doing the same in South Africa. I was relieved to see community members standing as a buffer between us.

As a committed ground forces member, I obey without thought..., I mean, hesitation. Leaders, do you have any plans for marching on orphanages or homeless shelters? I would like to prepare myself mentally. 'Screw my courage to the sticking place', as some talentless, racist, colonialist, so-called playwright wrote. 

I wish to point out that, like our Great Leader, I am willing to kill..,sorry, die for the cause. Living has advantages, though, and I do hope to live to see what's left of the land returned to  what's left of The People.

Yours in the long march to freedom and free stuff.

Richard 

RET, EFF and History

 Dear RET and EFF Gangs

Please note that I use the word 'gangs' with great respect. In its most innocent, innocuous sense. As in, for example, Kool and the Gang. And you certainly embody cool. Tweeting and whatsapping away, not raising a sweat, while the madness rages.

Great strategists are keenly aware of history. Your utterances and recent events tell us that you are firmly in that WhatsApp group. You have clearly studied the Nongqawuse strategem with keen insight. For colonialists, clever blacks and other white - tendencied types who are ignorant of that glorious episode, a summary:

'Nongqawuse claimed that the spirits of the ancestors had spoken to her from a pool in the Gxara River.

If the people would only kill all their cattle and burn their crops, a day would come when new cattle and crops would arise along with an army of the ancestors who would drive the whites into the sea.'

Colonialist history claims that that didn't end well. I would ignore that.

Of course, it would be taking things too far to drive the enemy into the sea. Let the buggers walk. May I ask that you don't use Treasure Beach. The fishing's been good lately.

Much as one hates to reference a white guy, the bile, hatred and blame strategem worked for the guy with the snazzy moustache. Villify in general terms (e.g. 'Juden'). Do it often. Works like a nice, regular dose of arsenic. How's it going for you guys?

Yours in the struggle to reclaim what's left after the cleansing.

Richard 

Swine

 We may not be able to defeat these swine, but we don't have to join them.

Bob Dylan

Dear Fellow South Africans 

Scrolling through the thought-provoking content on Twitter, I came across a bizarre video clip. I could not identify the country. It couldn't have been South Africa. People were running amok, looting and burning buildings. Things our disciplined cadres would never do.

Here's the bizarre bit. Two men were carrying a live pig through the chaos in the streets. My first thought was: where in the name of  Muck did they find a live pig? The second was that it was kind of them to rescue the obviously frightened animal.

I showed a friend. He is a cynic of note. 

"Well", said he. "I don't know whether this is a coup attempt  or not, but for the pig, that's a fait accompli."

As I don't understand Spanish, I was perplexed.

He went on to say that the practice of carrying pigs was nothing new. In his country, he said, the people bore the burden of sleek, fat (sorry, plus-sized) swine on their shoulders daily. What was new was a couple of swine carrying a third. I was now thoroughly confused.

"Forget about it." I didn't like the glint in his eyes. "They were probably just practicing for the Olympic swine race. We're a cert for gold."

I was as confused as if I'd just heard a classic speech by Dr Ace or a celebrity political commentator.

Please let me have your interpretation, if this makes any sense to you. In English.

Yours in the struggle for clarity.

Richard

Superior Intelligence

 'This week, two ministers gave differing accounts on whether the SSA presented the police with intelligence' - from a news website

Dear Mr Cele 

I am concerned about the quality of intelligence that you are receiving. The Mann Enterprise for Resolving Dire Emergencies (MERDE) stands ready to assist. More than I can say for....,sorry, that slipped out.

We have access to unconventional but superior intelligence sources. What's more, they are actually intelligent. Madam Zuzu, our neighbourhood psychic had several visions before the current madness. I did not pay her sufficient attention, as she was halfway through a bottle of gin. She had a vision of livestock being carried through the streets.  Also one of a very hungry man watching Masterchef Australia on a brand new big-screen TV. Had I remembered that she accurately and consistently predicted the outcome of most Bafana matches, I would have paid more attention.

We tried to get in touch with a South African celebrity, celebrated for incisive analysis. Unfortunately he was occupied with analysing incidents of cheating on partners. Deep stuff, apparently.

Fortunately, I was able to spend time with our local political commentator, Peter Pompies, over a beer (purchased before the liquor ban). In the measured diction and precise academic language one has come to expect, he said: 'Hier gaan k.k kom". 

Sir, we are ready to share this kind of valuable information with you, going forward. Or backward, depending on how things are handled in your circles.

Yours in the struggle for superior intelligence.

Richard 

The Wisdom Of Jabba The Hutt

 Dear TV Producers 

A  news channel treated us to the wisdom of South African celebrities. Jub Jub's profound insights into the civil unrest were discussed. Whose Solomonic pronouncements will we hear next? Jabba The Hutt? 

Some of you may argue that there are people far better qualified to comment. Don't be ridiculous. The man hosts Uyajola, an uplifting programme. He is a hip hop artist. Knows something about racing cars. So what doesn't qualify him? 

We've had airtime given to the likes of Dr Ace and the other Zuma  Nothing wrong with that. Great content for something other than a news channel. Perhaps our version of America's Funniest Home Videos. We have reporters who remind one of the pain of listening to the kids who wrestled with reading at school. We are fed. 

I suggest that the media people take it up a couple of notches. Let's have some druglords and hijackers share their insights. All in the interests of provoking thought and debate. 

My neighbours, Lawrence and Koos are celebrities at Pat's, the local sports bar. With the help of something  like Digital Vibes, I can hook you up with them. 

Till then, keep up the stimulating stuff.

Yours in the quest for soul-searching, thought-provoking, quality content.

Richard 

What About Kakistan?

 I want to distract South Africans from our recent  / current troubles. Also to reassure the 'Whatabout' crowd that we are not the only earthlings burning our country about our ears.

The Mann Enterprise for Resolving Dire Emergencies (MERDE) unearthed a fascinating Twitter exchange between government officials in Kakistan. Here's the thread:

@A: Big trouble in Kazedan Province. Burning, rioting, looting. Send army.

@B: LOL. It's not a war.

@A: People will get hurt, maybe die.

@B: People get hurt roller skating. People die choking on fishbones. LMFAO.

@A: This is serious.

@B: So is the locust plague. War is defined as: 

a state of armed conflict between different countries or different groups within a country.

SBWL ice cream

A week later

@A: Told you

 

@B: Still not a war. Anyway we lost only half the province. And a few years. And some smart-alec investors.

@A: This was an insurrection 

@B: An insurrection is defined as:

a violent uprising against an authority or government 

@A: WTF!