Written during the glorious reign of Jayzed
Dear Mr Putin Zdravstvujtye
I want you to know that we South Africans love Russians. We often have them with chips for lunch.
Now that it seems you will be playing a prominent part in our lives, it seemed merely polite to learn a phrase or two in your language. Love the informal version of ‘How are you?’ - ‘Kak dyela’. I think there’s going to be a lot of that going around now that you are making your macho presence felt. The greeting, I mean.
How good it is (to quote Marvin Gaye) to see the leader of a great country show concern for us and our power challenges. Rumour has it that your concern stretched to giving us sage council on our latest cabinet composition. I’m not sure whether you worked with the innovative recruitment agency in Saxonworld. At any rate, you have been both prime minister and president for so many years that I’m sure you can spot pupp…sorry. talented people a mile off.
Clearly, since you took an iron grip on the helm of the ship Mother Russia, things are going so swimmingly that you now have time to assist Donald and our own JZ. I imagine that you can boast that there’s a chicken Kiev in every pot in the motherland. To those South Africans fussing about your alleged interference (I call it glasnost), I quote from my comment to Donald: what you get out of cabinet reshuffles depends on what you Putin.
One of Tom Clancy’s books features a Russian gang called the Seven Strong Men. The three of you makes for a good start (not that I’m suggesting that you are a gang - heaven forbid). It’s a pity that Donald offended that nice North Korean fellow by threatening to rain down hellfire or something. He may mangle the language but he doesn’t mince words, our Donald. Incidentally, it was most instructive to follow the witty, eloquent exchange as the other fellow called Donald a lunatic. Ah, the subtle cut and thrust of diplomacy on the global stage. Could have taught Obama a thing or two. Our own chaps have elevated this to a fine art, of course, calling one another dogs, rats and other symbolic names on one memorable occasion. We occasionally climax these fine debates with what Mad Magazine called non - verbal, sensory interchanges (the Afrikaans acronym is M.O.E.R.). I think you will fit right in with our skop, skiet, donner and snotklap political milieu.
We do look forward to benefitting from your expertise and experience in matters nuclear. Does the vodka still glow in the dark in the regions around Chernobyl?
Just on a more personal note, I’ve heard that you are an active, sporting man. I understand that Russian roulette combines the thrills and suspense of the most exciting sports on the planet.
Yours in the quest for glasnost, perestroika and caviar.
Richard
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