News And Nonsense

 Instead of mocking our TV news channels, I thought I'd try to see things from their viewpoint. 

I imagine that these are some of their guidelines (quite reasonable, don't you think?).

Speaking English correctly is overrated. As is variety in pitch, pace and tone, when reporting. Just get the words in.

There is no need to get all technical and pedantic  in interviews and ask all sort of complicated questions. Keep it simple (and) stupid.

Very little  of interest or significance  happens in the world outside of South Africa. Oh yes, there's the odd looming global conflict and we can give that a few minutes. That Russian business, for example. No point in involving ourselves too deeply. Russia's  quite far away.

On some (or many) issues, it's not really necessary to hear both sides. That audi alteram partem stuff is fine for stuffy courtrooms. For our viewers, it just muddies the waters unnecessarily.

Don't allow reporters to poke their noses too deeply into other people's business. It's not polite. 

The more closely your reporters resemble mannequins with microphones the better.

Viewers are deeply interested in long, lingering items on funerals.

There's a lot of unimportant stuff to avoid boring viewers with: fresh corruption scandals, government bungling, horrific crime, serious and building conflicts, unresolved national issues and scores of unanswered questions. Leave the oh so serious documentries and investigations to the BBC.

Keep it lighthearted (and lightheaded). Think of the wonderful attitude and example of the band on the Titanic.

Viewers love Tik Tok snippets and anything inconsequential, meaningless or mediocre. Don't challenge them or disturb their sweet slumber.

It's unfortunate that we can't get people of the calibre of Jeffrey  Dahmer and Jack The Ripper to give their considered views on integrity, morality and other stuff. We keep trying.

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

 

Simplicity

 Dear Mr President 

John Maxwell once interviewed a businessman renowned for turning ailing businesses around. 

"What's the first thing you do after buying the company?"

"I fire the executive", was the succinct reply.

"Don't you give them an opportunity to turn the business around?"

" They had the opportunity for five, ten years or more", the businessman replied. 

That's a brutal truth. In South Africa, we would have said "obvious", drawing out the vowels for emphasis.

It's very simple, sir. It wouldn't solve all our problems but it's a damned good place to start. You know that. You were a businessman. The trouble with simple steps is that they often come up against the wall of party politics, lack of appetite and other useless but powerful obstacles.

With your current lot, you have a slightly lower chance of success than Bafana would have against a fired-up German side. That, too, is obvious. 

Imagine a hostage negotiator droning on after half the hostages have been slaughtered. And the hostage-takers are loading fresh clips. Some long game! The time to send in the SWAT team is long overdue. Another brutal truth. 

People are dying. Literally and figuratively. The hope that springs eternal is dying.

Yours in the struggle to retain a mustard seed of optimism.

Richard

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O Tichmann 

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Dorite

Dear Shoprite (And others)

The government departments that we know and love have made an art of torturing their customers.

One expects much better of business. 

Life is grim for senior citizens in South Africa. That excludes those in government and their friends. You might consider this before your next pension payout day. 

You guys know far more about customer service than I ever will. You know all about process engineering. Nothing as technical as the name suggests. Just removing bottlenecks, unnecessary / redundant steps etc.; making the process simpler and faster. Of course, it begins and ends with the question: "What does the customer value?" We could rephrase as: "What makes the customer's life easier / better?".

I can tell you what doesn't make the lives of senior citizens brighter:

Queuing until their legs hurt.

Having to guess whether the cashier's gone to top up the cash in the next province or just in the next town.

Having to guess whether the cashier is coming back or has suffered a mental breakdown.

You guys do this every month. You also spend a fair bit on advertising, telling us what great things you do for us. Why not do some little things for the forgotten people of South Africa? They are your customers too, if you need a business case.

Someone posted very recently on Twitter that South African businesses know nothing about customer service. Can't be. We're the 'friendly country'.  We have uBuntu.

I'm sure you'll prove them wrong.

Yours in the quest for the heart of service.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

imiGodoyi

Dear Fellow South Africans 

The word imiGodoyi is flung around with gay abandon on social media. 

I find this insulting, crass, hurtful, unfair and also not lekker. I am taking up the cudgels on behalf of those who cannot defend themselves.

Ever-helpful Google's translation software tells me that umGodoyi means mongrel. The good qualities of mongrels are:

1. Unlike pampered, so-called thoroughbreds, they are tough and resilient. Mongrels are not prone to the ailments peculiar to various breeds.

2. Mongrel dogs are obedient and loyal to a fault. At the master's command, they will bite (and, given advanced training, even urinate on) anyone, without fear, favour or hesitation.

3. They can be regarded as truly indigenous inhabitants of South Africa. They were here long before those 1652 Irish Setters, German Shepherds, Border Collies and others. I strongly suggest that those breeds return to their European kennels.

I call for these insults to imiGodoyi to cease forthwith - comparing innocent dogs to foul, contemptible specimens of homo sapiens. I don't know whether the insults emanate mainly from RET, WMC, house or garden negroes or any of the other colourful groups romping around. The arrogance and insensitivity of these people is, er, arrogant and insensitive. 

This I do know: 

If all insulting references to mongrel dogs are not removed from social media by midnight, you shall hear from my attorneys, who have a fearsome reputation for doggedness. 

We are considering using the services of an advocate who has been much in the news lately. I'm not sure how many cases he's actually won but it's clear that his talents are much in demand in some quarters.

Be warned. Our bite is worse than our bark.

Yours in the struggle for canine dignity.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Somewhere In Time

Dear TV News People

I've just had the fright of my life. 

The first shock came when the TV news anchor greeted me with 'Good Afternoon' before ten a.m.  I checked every clock in the house. A reporter told me that Justice Mlambo was being interviewed that very minute. The hairs on the back of my neck and in my ears stood. I know that those interviews are done and dusted. 

Worse was to come. A broadly smiling sports reporter gave an update on the women's ODI cricket match. I swear that I saw the conclusion of that match. Next came the weather for Thursday, Friday and Saturday. On Sunday? I was pretty sure that I had gone to bed on Saturday night. I cannot describe the fear that struck my rapidly beating heart. I know that our country has been going backward for many years. Not that it was so bad and so literal.

Fortunately, someone explained that it was recorded news. Guys, that's about as useful and interesting as driving, in reverse, to a deserted rugby stadium a week after the match to capture the moments.

We know that there is no news on weekends. Villains and newsmakers take a well-earned breather. 

We've already seen:

The merciless massacre of the English language by some of your reporters.

News as pallid and bloodless as a vampire's latest victim. 

An obsession with funeral services.

And much more that seems to symbolize the state of your news service. No need to add composted news.

Perhaps you don't have the budget for weekend news? Well guys, this nonsensical approach doesn't do anything for you  - or us. Do something sensible with what you have. As Hamlet advised the players: "O, reform it altogether."

Yours in the struggle for real news.

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Friends At Court

 Dear Ms Zuma-Sambudla

Thank you for the invitation below (by tweet):

We Will See You All Tomorrow In PMB… https://t.co/Qg750fh9Yt

It's to your father's court appearance in Pietermaritzburg. Nothing like an exciting court case to kick the week into life.

Did you really mean all? I have a large, diverse group of friends, some from Afriforum, the DA and various Stratcom and WMC - aligned groupings. We will certainly be there. I take it there'll be dancing. A vigorous knees-up is always good for circulation and getting a positive mood going.

At the risk of being pedantic, you did omit an adjective in the invitation. I realise that space is an issue on Twitter and perhaps you could not fit in the word 'former'. 

I need to ask a couple of favours. Please give us an update on your father's health, closer to the hour. He's been looking forward to his day in court for some time now. Prolonged excitement and anticipation can take a physical toll. That's according to Google and my copy of 'Medicine For Dummies'. I'd hate to make the trip only to find out that he hasn't.

Please also share the itinerary for speakers. Dr Ace tends to use up many words to say little. I'll pass on his contribution. I do enjoy Commander Carl's rant..., sorry, oratory. He reminds me of another fellow, name now forgotten. I think he was a keen horseman. Not that they had much in common. It's just that they are both white, with exquisite taste in camouflage gear. and the gift of oratory.

Of course, the former president's address is certain to be the substantial icing on the cake. One looks forward to jaw-dropping revelations about conspiracies, spies, traitors, plotters and a delicious assortment of villainous types. I can hardly wait.

I read that Pietermaritzburg has become a dirty, dangerous city. It's reassuring that Commander Carl and several other military people are bound to be there. Makes one feel safe.

I gobble up your tweets. One does have to re-read them sometimes to fully grasp the subtle, profound messages. I look forward to seeing you in the flesh.

Yours in Solidarity.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Africa For Africans

 Dear Battalion 54

First, I congratulate you on your interesting Twitter handle. 

Obviously a fighter to your molten core. Nice, warlike monniker. Was this perhaps the battalion you fought in? I'll fall in alongside you on our next march on a school or old age home and we can swap war stories. 

It's a pity that South Africa now needs good administrators, legislators and skills other than singing, dancing and fighting. I do think there may be opportunities in Mozambique, among others.

I was quite taken with your tweet about Gayton McKenzie.

"He can't even speak any African language, he calls himself a mix race but both his are Black and he has a nerve of trying to chase Africans from Africa." https://t.co/euITkpjrAW

I'm sure there's a correlation between being able to speak an African language and competence and other good things. Perhaps we can research that between marches. 

He calls himself 'a mix race'? Most odd. I would have thought that he calls himself Gayton. But then again, to each his own. I knew a guy, perfectly normal in every other respect, who preferred to be called Big Ears. Then there's a bloke who likes to be called CIC. Takes all kinds, Mr Battalion.

You mentioned that both his ...(word omitted)  are black. Would that be his hands? Or his feet? Or were you just being polite? I'm not sure how this fascinating fact fits into your astute analysis. Very observant anyway.

If Mr McKenzie is trying to chase Africans from Africa, he has a mammoth task on his hands. Where does one start: the Horn, East, West, Central...? I rather doubt that they'll want to go anyway. I agree that it's a nerve, trying to chase, for example, Liberians off the continent. Mr McKenzie has some explaining to do.

Thank you for a lucid, thought-provoking post. As the rose grows with each deposit of fresh, steaming manure, so I grow each time I read. This is the sort of stuff that will make South Africa great again.

Yours in the struggle to keep Africans on the African continent.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723