Madam Public Protector

 Dear Madam Public Protector 

I am disappointed that, (if reports are to be believed), you expected your staff to address you as 'Madam".  What's wrong with 'Your Grace'?  Having watched Game Of Thrones (no, not the KZN version), that form of address strikes me as eminently suitable.

Respect and discipline have gone to hell. Bring back flogging and the rack, I say. The gallows too. How can you be expected to serve the great South African public effectively when people are flinging your first name about with gay abandon? That would distract the most focused Public Protector from the epidemic of corruption plaguing South Africa. I would certainly have trouble deciding what to investigate and what to leave alone. Which Bosasa issues to leave alone, for example.

This is how it all starts, Your Gr..., I mean, Madam Public Protector. First names, familiarity, then disrespect and the collapse of discipline. I think the disintegration of the Roman empire  began with such casual, disrespectful stuff as: "How's it hanging Jules?", instead of "Hail Caesar!".  

You may be experiencing some minor problems but no-one can deny that you run a tight ship. Captain Bligh would probably have approved.

Yours in the struggle for order and discipline.

Richard 

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

ANC And Orwell

 Dear Mr Mashatile

In a horrible nightmare, I was viewing a month old corpse at a morgue, when the undertaker intoned: "His recovery is underway". Bizarre. Then I read the tweet below:

The Treasurer-General of the ANC, Paul Mashatile, has written an article on Business Day, and argues that South Africa’s recovery is underway. He writes, “it is not all gloomy on the economic front”. Touts Operation Vulindlela.

Whatever you are smoking would have been described in the old Western novels as 'heap powerful medicine'. The purveyors of Durban Poison would be green with envy.  Yes, all is not gloomy. It's pitch dark, and not courtesy of Eskom only. Rampant crime, rolling corruption, blackouts, blunders, neglect, incompetence, buffoonery...that not gloomy enough for you? I've read that the Chinese word for 'crisis' has an implied meaning of 'opportunity' also. The only opportunity that your Party seems to have grasped is the opportunity to bugger up whatever has remained unbuggered to date. 

I don't think that you are on hallucinogens, surreal though your utterances are. I think that your Party makes liberal use of George Orwell's 'Nineteen Eighty-Four as a handbook. I sympathize. What else can one do, when the mess is beyond explanation or justification,  but create a new reality? And hope that 'proles' and Party members will guzzle  it like fine wine at a budget speech function.

Some quotes for you:

"All that was needed was an unending series of victories over your own memory. 'Reality control', they called it: in Newspeak, 'doublethink'"

There are many useful and intriguing concepts in Orwell's book that I'm sure you are familiar with. Apart from that, I liked the song:

Under the spreading chestnut tree
I sold you, and you sold me
There lie they, and here lie we,...

I leave you with a quote from an earlier post:

If George Orwell had written 2020 in South Africa:

The party's ever-present slogans fluttered proudly from deserted dairy farms, vandalized railway stations and scorched public buildings:

INCOMPETENCE IS HEROISM

DECAY IS PROGRESS

BULLSHIT IS TRUTH

Yours in the struggle with the elusive truth.

Richard

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O Tichmann 

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Hatman

 Dear Mr Cele 

Your once soaring popularity seems to be plummeting. 

I think it grossly unfair that your many stellar achievements in the war against crime are so soon forgotten.

Let me remind South Africans:

You made the startling discovery that alcohol, not money, is the root of all evil. Nobel prize-winning stuff. 

You have made it easy for us to identify villains and potential villains. Those tattoos are a dead giveaway. Crime fighting made simple.

You arrested thousands of puffing and swilling degenerates during lockdown. Who knows how many lives were saved by that bold stroke?

You warned us against loud Gqom music. I'm not sure what it does, but it must be horrific.

You warned us to expect more horrific crime statistics in future. Sir, how did you come to that brilliant conclusion? Sherlock would applaud.

You have racked up a record number of air miles, flitting around the country to crime scenes, like the ever-belated cavalry, dispensing words of wisdom and warning. Who can forget your words, profound as an excerpt from a great Shakespearean tragedy:

"I cannot picture a zama zama (illegal miner) with a pretty girl."

Sir, neither can I. I have been pondering the layers of meaning and the implications for law and order for weeks now.  You do say the most thought-provoking things.

People say that you don't have a strategy for fighting crime. Nonsense! I'm sure that, even now, your police are staking out tattoo parlours. And dens of iniquity where the Tattooed Ones gather, consume alcohol and plan heinous criminal activity. 

When this strategy comes together and your many pithy, wise and witty quotes are remembered, you will surely be hailed as the Batman, or perhaps, Hatman, of South Africa. 

Local television has served us sparse fare of late. I suggest a series based on your thrilling exploits: 'Hatman, The Daf..., sorry,  Dark Crusader'.

Yours in the grim struggle against tattoos, alcohol, Gqom music and more.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

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O Tichmann 

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Absolutely Fabulous ANC

 Dear Mr Mantashe 

Someone asked on social media which politician we despise most.

What's to despise? You Honourable Members do not get the credit you deserve. Never, in the history of man, has a group of politicians so successfully and seamlessly combined politics and stand up comedy. You have saved me a fortune in tickets to comedy shows. The likes of Trevor Noah and Ismo must tremble every time you step up to the microphone. 

It's almost impossible to select the best routine from your long-running, history-making tour of South Africa. ANC politicians join in protests against illegal miners. Imagine the FBI protesting against rampant crime. Use the Zondo Commission report for ANC renewal. That one had me howling with laughter until a concerned neighbour came over to check on my health. 

I do think, sir, that you are a top contender for comedy routine of the decade. Back in 2019, you proudly announced to the world the discovery of hazenile in South Africa. A luminous moment, were it not that the discovery was an April Fool's joke in an article.

'The fake mineral was first mentioned on the website of Smart Energy International on April 1, where it was described as a "miracle new mineral to revolutionise battery storage."' (Financial Mail). 

I'm not surprised that your people missed the April Fool's disclaimer. So many other things on your minds: Zondo Commission report, karpowerships, ANC Family Feud - the list goes on. Of course, sir, had you caught the minor slip in time, you could have yelled out 'April Fool'. Maybe you still can? If hazenile really existed, it would probably explain how your Party's batteries keep going despite blunders, incompetence and corruption that would have brought down ten governments in a  normal society.

You politicians keep us laughing through the cold, dark Eskom nights. A minister brought cancer medication from Russia in her head. Hazenile existed in your head for a glorious moment. It's good to see ministers using their heads. This cerebral, imaginative approach to life's challenges is what has made us a leading, pioneering country. Like Captain Kirk, we boldly go....

Wakanda built it's technology on vibranium. We are the potential Wakanda of the future, with our plans for bullet trains, smart cities and giant flag monuments. Your people should check it out for the next international mining conference. Also, sir, you might want to check out stronterium, unique to South Africa. Similar to strontium but with some remarkable properties, scientists often refer to this mineral by its abbreviated name, stront.

Yours in the quest for miracle minerals  - or just the odd miracle.

Richard

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Honourable Members

Dear Politicians 

I was carted off to a state hospital once, by ambulance. I spent most of the day discussing, with fellow-sufferers,  the joys of passing the day in this fashion. During pauses in the absorbing discussion, we studied the decor, that much admired and imitated style called 'state drab'.

I was treated eventually  - like a piece of meat. Worse actually. A good steak would have got far more careful and respectful attention.

Recently, I visited another state hospital for eye surgery. Nurses, doctors and other staff were pleasant, efficient and attentive. I was almost as shocked as the president is from time to time. It is possible in South Africa, after all!

That night I saw patients, South Africans of all hues, helping other, less able patients to get around. No slogans, cliches, racial mathematics or other pockets of hot air. No struggle soapbox. I realised, Honourable Members, that you need to stop telling South Africans what to think and feel. They behave far more sensibly, decently and honourably than you do.

It is difficult, perhaps impossible to serve if you lack humility. Being dependent, your butt hanging out of a hospital gown, is good for the humility quotient. What is truly important in this life becomes abundantly clear: to give and receive friendship,  kindness, help. To be a mensch.

James Shirley tells it most eloquently:

The glories of our blood and state
Are shadows, not substantial things;
There is no armour against fate;
Death lays his icy hand on kings:
Sceptre and Crown
Must tumble down,
And in the dust be equal made
With the poor crooked scythe and spade.
....
Only the actions of the just
Smell sweet, and blossom in their dust. 

Your behinds have long been hanging out of your emperor's gowns. You don't see it. We do. I think this is why humility tends to elude you.  I'd recommend some eye surgery at that state hospital and one of those blue gowns. Does wonders for perspective.

Yours in the struggle for clear vision and feet on the ground.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

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O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Van Riebeeck Made Me Do It

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I watched a tense thriller called 'The Curse Of The One-Legged Man With A Long Grey Beard'. It was tense and thrilling  (as I wrote in my weekly movie critic's column in The Durban South Spectator). The story revolved around a curse passed down through several generations.

This thought-provoking, cinema nouveau classic provoked some thinking. I read Mr Zuma's incisive analysis of the root causes of crime in South Africa and have often wondered whether we are under the curse of Jan Van Riebeeck. If Mr Zuma is to be believed  (and why not?), this bugger illegally imported crime into South Africa. He also brought 82 men and 8 women.  I assume these to have been the lowest sort of scoundrels, ready to do the bidding of their criminal mastermind. And so the curses of crime, buffoonery, incompetence, slothfulness and corruption descended upon the pure soil of South Africa. And here they remain to this day.

Should you be tempted to scoff, let me point out that Mr Zuma's rigorous research is well supported. Another noted historian, Ms Mbete, made similar claims (see Al Jazeera interview). As do many reputable Twitter historians. Who am I to differ? I barely got through high school history.

Further evidence, anecdotal but compelling. A friend told me this intriguing tale over a bottle of Hennessy. He was window shopping at the local liquor store, when a supernatural event took place. A voice clear as an SABC reporter's, uttered these words: " Neem de fles Hennessy, mijn vriend" ("Take the bottle of Hennessey, my friend"). As in a trance, he redeployed the bottle to one of the inner pockets of his greatcoat (pockets he normally uses for documents). As my friend knows no Dutch, I must believe him. As I must believe Mr Zuma and Ms Mbete. Of course, I immediately stopped drinking the Hennessey and switched to coffee.  Not the Van Riebeeck instant, but the Jacobs (favoured in KZN).

I believe that the curse is as real as the many conspiracies hatched against Dr Ace, Mr Zuma and other heroes. 

Yours in the supernatural struggle against ancient curses.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

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Home Sweet Home Affairs

Dear Home Affairs 

'Tis now the very witching time of night

When churchyards yawn

And hell itself breathes out contagion to this world'

My thoughts as I struggled into Home Affairs- appropriate garb yesterday. The minibus taxi driver nodded off at each red traffic light and had to be woken to continue the thrilling pre-dawn journey. I arrived at the venerable institution full of hope. Guiness Book record queues were there already. I calculated the chances of actually getting to the entrance on the day and made an inglorious retreat.

I have tried the online application process. It worked like a pre - Wright Brothers attempt at flight. Take off with gusto. Thud into the runway seconds later. I tried making an appointment. A list of offices in KZN appeared. One was not on any map known to mankind. The other would require the purchase of a return air ticket.

Perhaps I could just cease to exist for a while. It would be far easier than trying to acquire a shiny, new smart ID card. It also has advantages. My voicemail could be something like: "Dear creditor, the person you are trying to reach no longer exists. Please send cash in lieu of flowers".

I did read some good news. Apparently there are several satellite offices, that you have not publicized. Park Station, Johannesburg, and several private homes supposedly house these wonderfully innovative outlets. Please supply a list of Durban branches. The service is said to be excellent: speedy and simple. In addition to looking at your own cumbersome processes (long, long overdue), you might want to ask these providers how they do it. It's rumoured that one can even do a simultaneous name change. I've always rather fancied the name Lerato Ndlovu. Nice, Asian ring to it.

Yours in the struggle for service excellence.

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723