Saturday 5 November 2022

To Fell A Country

 Dear Fellow South Africans 


Forget what your deceitful history teachers told you. 

Here is a brief insight into what really caused the fall of the  Roman empire.

"Speak, Celsius Bhekus! Wherefore art thou  pale and shaking as a leaf in Winter rages?"

"Great Caesar, my legionnaires grow weary and dispirited. Barbarians and bandits roam the countryside. They grow bolder by the hour."

"Fear not, oh Celsius, for they shall taste  the Empire's wrath. Call me a task team made of mighty men. We shall deliberate for days until this pestilence be past."

"As you command, Great Caesar," hand flopping against his belly in the imperial salute.

"Now, Fixus Umbilicus, what troubles you?"

"Oh, Caesar, our once mighty roads, culverts and bridges are fallen into ruin. The charioteers heed not our laws. They clash together with the noise of thunder in the heavens."

"Fixus, have I not commanded think tanks and commissions for this great task? 'Ere yet this decade fades into the next, all will be well. But Fixus, wherefore weepest thou?"

"Oh, mighty Caesar, am I not Italian? But tears of relief and joy these be." 

Caesar draws himself to his full height.

"Let me have men about me that are still. Tight lippèd men and such as secrets keep. Yond Jacobus hath a full-lipped, fertile mouth. He speaks too much. Such men are dangerous." 

(These original lines were shamelessly cannibalized by one, William Shakespeare).

Enter Celsius, in haste.

"Ah, Celsius, art thou returned so soon? And muttering like one possessed. Thy sweat-stained brow speaketh of troubles new and fears fresh."

"Caesar, we are undone. Barbarian hordes are e'en this instant at the gates."

"What seek they?"

"The usual, sire. Looting, rape and pillaging."

"Ah, then thank I the Roman gods. I feared for an instant t'was a presser that they sought. Here, good Celsius, refresh thyself with wine from Southern Africa. T'is a good year. Et tu Fixus?"

And that, fellow South Africans, is what really happened. 

Yours in the struggle against revisionism.

Richard



Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  
1378565477
O Tichmann 
+27 833970723






Thursday 3 November 2022

Ms Mkhwebane And KFC

 Dear Fellow South Africans 


Like you, I am horrified at allegations and revelations spilling out of the "Public Protector Inquiry".

To whit: "Her bodyguards were poisoned she claimed but it turns out they ate too much KFC!" This from a tweet. 

This is the kind of conspiracy theory that will destroy this great country. There is no such thing as too much KFC. See the excerpt below from a report of not so long ago

"Premier Sylvia Lucas's office on Sunday defended the use of her government credit card to purchase over R50 000 on fast food during her first 10 weeks in office."

I am sure that, with MS Lucas being a politician of substance and a person of wisdom; discretion and discernment, KFC would have made up a significant proportion of the fast-food purchases. After all, she dispensed this nugget of nutritional wisdom

"We need Powerade for the energy, you know," she was quoted as saying.

It is widely known that KFC has the same beneficial effect. To what else can one attribute the sterling performance of our law enforcement officers and politicians?

This deep-fried Southern delicacy played a role in a revolutionary prison reform experiment. Another excerpt from not so long ago:

"Gauteng Community Safety MEC, Sizakele Nkosi-Malobane, has defended her decision to spend more than R60,000 of taxpayers’ money treating prisoners to a KFC meal, after pictures of her handing out the food went viral on social media, according to a report by The Star.

Despite many commenters pointing that ordinary, innocent South Africans could not afford the luxury of fast food, Nkosi-Malobane said that the decision was made due to cost factors and to remind prisoners of the benefits of the outside world."

I can see convicted rapists and murderers falling to their knees in repentance at the first explosion of  eleven-secret-herbs-and-spices flavour in their mouths.  I see them turning to charitable works and lives of selfless service.

This gem from Ms Lucas:

"How would we have eaten if we didn't use taxpayers' money?"

Now that deserves a place on a plaque on every ANC wall. And as an epitaph on the tombstone of the Great Liberation Movement.

Spokesperson for the premier’s office Monwabisi Nkompela said Lucas’s spending was “not excessive” and was “totally blown out of proportion”.

Large amounts of KFC can blow things out of proportion, as the many beach-ball shaped stomachs attest.

I am sorely disappointed that the panel did not shine a laser light  on the KFC conspiracy. Yes, yes, there were intriguing e-mails, interesting  cash disbursements, unusual public relations initiatives and other delightful matters to spend many jolly hours on. Still, it's a matter of priorities. When will we wake up to the truth that this country runs on KFC? (Also vegetarian curries, for a while, some say). As long as we ensure that there is a deep-fried, deeply spiced chicken in every pot, all will be well.

We are what we eat. 

I have not been paid in kind by KFC for this article. Therein lies another travesty of justice.

Yours in the struggle for justice and the odd drumstick.

Richard 


Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  
1378565477
O Tichmann 
+27 833970723





Monday 31 October 2022

Excrement

 Dear Fellow South Africans 


It is written in Cry The Beloved Country that "there is a lovely road that runs from Ixopo into the hills". 


Not far from that lovely road, an ugly drama played out. A heavily armed gang locked the local police inside their own station yard. They went on to rob a business. A security company intervened but they were completely outgunned. 

When this tale was told, we were, unlike the president, not shocked. The resigned shrugs told more eloquently than words the story of the State of the Nation.

Students burned a classroom because the matric ball was cancelled. Shrug. At least they did not burn down the entire school. Yet. Perhaps the books survived. They could use them in the blackened classroom.

The only relevance that the ANC has from here on, is historical. They supplied, year upon year, the ingredients for this vile stew that we now gag on. The EFF obligingly stir the pot with inconsequential marches, absurd, contradictory yelps and the breathing of fire and slaughter.

Here's what's really concerning and disappointing:

While we crumble, opposition parties play playground games. 
"He pushed me first."  
"He stuck his tongue out at me."

Some media, notably TV news, seem to live on a different planet. A small planet, cocooned from the universe, wrapped in a fog, as it revolves around Party trivia, football and bric-a-brac. You were supposed to be our truth-tellers. Oh, how cheaply you sold out.

Some voters squat on their own doorsteps. Flies buzzing around their heads, they complain plaintively about the noisome mess at their feet.

And as we whizz down the "excrement-coated slide to ruin", we dance like demented dervishes, yell meaningless slogans and spew out nonsensical, racist tripe.

We are in excrement. 

We must get out.


Richard





Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  
1378565477
O Tichmann 
+27 833970723







Saturday 29 October 2022

Think Like a Hyena

 At least one of the states in that big satan, the US, offers qualifying residents free solar panels and other equipment. 


We, in KZN, have a caring, innovative government. When not engaged in the important business of infighting, they are obsessively focused on our economic and general wellbeing. I imagine that we will soon see a similar offer here.

Some US power utilities offer incentives for people to switch to solar energy. Domkops! Our beloved Eskom, if I understand correctly, wants you to pay for the honour.

Canada paid about 1 400 dollars to people hard hit by lockdown. It was for four months only. Costa Rica paid out about  220 dollars per month. A trifle above our 20 dollars or so, for starting an ice cream business and employing five people. But then again, we don't have oil, like Texas. Just diamonds, gold, platinum and billions redeployed to the accounts of sundry needy, important people. Various countries in Europe implemented, and are now again implementing initiatives to ease the burden on citizens.

It may be that politicians elsewhere have a more humanitarian approach to governing, than do our revered leaders. I doubt it. Politicians are.....politicians. Trump could be mistaken for the long-lost brother of one of our own. 

I suspect that politicians elsewhere know which side their bread is buttered on. They are probably well aware of the power of the people. Despite our chants of 'power to the people ' back in the day, that doesn't apply to our 'think like a hyena' style of politics. 

In South Africa, many voters would applaud our politicians for a job well done, if they disembowelled their loved ones. And offer them a cup of tea as refreshment after their labours.

That is the tragedy of South Africa and much of Africa. Like some ancient cult, we keep feeding these uncaring, tin gods with human sacrifices. And they grow fat up there on their clay pedestals. 

Yours in the struggle against the hyena culture and human sacrifice.


Richard




Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  
1378565477
O Tichmann 
+27 833970723

Friday 28 October 2022

Rumours of Terror

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I would have believed the Sandton terror alert more readily if Mr Fraser had issued it. 

This is a man who can spot, from 100 kilometres away, a dollar bill folded into the recesses of a Sealy Posturepedic mattress, or an overstuffed La-Z-Boy recliner.

A clutch of cryptic, sometimes contradictory, comments issued forth from the authorities. One report was about a covert operation poised to pounce on a terrorist cell. Very credible. See July 2021.  My teenaged nephew could have told that trouble was brewing, back then.  Actually, he did: "These ous are going to cause k..k." My teenaged niece could have told of the sinister chatter on social media. Even our neighbourhood psychic, Madam Zuzu, while shopping at Woolworths, heard eerie voices whisper "we see you!" and "ziyakhala!". As for our intelligence agencies, I'm not sure that some of them would recognize a terrorist cell if they stuck a limpet mine on their dimpled butts.

Then there were the usual mindless, knee-jerk reactions from our anti-American, pro-Russian comrades. A sort of tiresome, tuneless bleating like Animal Farm's "Four legs good, two legs better." This one goes something like: "Americans bad, Russians wonderful comrades."  Dear Comrades, if only life were that simple! 

At any rate, my advice to would-be terrorists is: 'don't bother. We have people who have already comprehensively buggered up the country. There's not much left for any terrorist worth his salt to bugger up. 

Yours in the struggle against terrorism and rumours thereof.

Richard



Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  
1378565477
O Tichmann 
+27 833970723





Tuesday 25 October 2022

Leadership Lessons From Texas

 Dear Mr Abbott

Frustrated with the quality of provincial  (state) and municipal leadership in South Africa, I looked abroad for comparisons.

Of course, the governor of the Great State of Texas caught my eye. There was that quaint political chess move that you pulled with immigrants on buses. It was - how does one put this delicately  - most peculiar. Apart from that, I rather like your head-em-off-at-the-pass, get-them--critters-across-the-Brazos, style of leadership. So reminiscent of The Duke at his best.

Sir, you can ignore the immigrants comment. What do we know anyway, being, in the carefully chosen words of your former Great Leader (he of the striking hairdo and dulcet tones), a sh..hole country?

Mr Abbott, if that O' Rourke bloke (heaven forbid) should cause you to leave the mansion, here's an option. You could consult over here. I assure you that you'd feel quite at home in South Africa. There's a distinctly Wild West feel. We have shootouts in taverns, outlaw politicians shooting from the hip and cowboy minibus taxi drivers.

We could use your energy and no-nonsense approach. Don't get me wrong. Our guys have lots of energy. Many spend it dancing, singing and disrupting council meetings at taxpayer expense. You would not put up with such  foolishness. I can see you loosing a warning shot or two into the chandeliers. Or into - perish the thought!

We also have challenges with illegal immigration. We'd love to hear your innovative suggestions. I would not raise the bussing option. People can be a bit sensitive here - when they're not shooting one another.

I am rooting for you, Sir, but should things go south during your elections, you could also go south. 

Yours in the struggle for strong, democratic, sorry, Republican   leadership.

Richard 


Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  
1378565477
O Tichmann 
+27 833970723

Saturday 22 October 2022

Boris Johnson, Party On

Dear Mr Johnson

I heard that you are on the comeback trail despite having departed under less than joyous circumstances.

That's so South African. That nod to our beloved country gains you my wholehearted support, sir. I intend to lobby for you. No strings (though I am short a pound or two).

So you had a Guiness or two. What's the big deal? Many of our Honourable Members sip on twenty-year old scotch, I've heard. That may explain why so many slumber in parliament. Of course, you guys have that neat trick of leaping up off the benches intermittently at some prearranged signal. That's one colonial custom that we should adopt.

With regard to the tippling, an ANC worthy did explain that the Party drinks on behalf of the people (amid much jubilation). Therein lies a useful tip for you, sir. "I closed my eyes (opened my lips) and thought of England".

I like your just-tumbled-out-of-bed-and-gulped-my-coffee, tousle-haired look. So distinguished. I also enjoy your speaking style - a sort of eloquent bark, like that of an Oxford-educated, civilian sergeant-major. Our lot tend to mumble dreary mind-numbing speeches. The cliches and slogans that tumble from their lips can induce suicide.

We have a former minister who left under a darker cloud than yours - something involving substantial sums of money and some bad vibes. Unlike you sensitive British people, we don't sweat the small stuff. He is vying for the top position in South African politics. An elder statesman with a somewhat murky reputation faces some 18 counts involving fraud, corruption, racketeering and money laundering. (We don't play here). Has that deterred him from electioneering, pontificating and lecturing? We are made of sterner stuff. So are you, sir. So are you. People have affectionately nicknamed him  'S'boshwa'. I'm not sure what that means. Probably something along the lines of 'Exalted One'.

He is a darned good dancer. Like Mr Bojangles, 'Lord, that man can dance'. In South Africa, you can be forgiven anything if you are a good dancer. That's another tip for you, sir. Beats bobbing up and down on the parliamentary benches.

I am behind you sir, as are all South Africans who appreciate a good beer.

Yours in the struggle for an epic comeback.

Richard


Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  
1378565477
O Tichmann 
+27 833970723