Phala Phala Toe

 Dear Mr President

The Phala Phala saga keeps raising its long-horned head.

I am sure that you are familiar with the line of a well-known song: 'skop hom na die pale toe' (kick him / it to the posts).

Sir it is time that we skop this Phala Phala matter to the posts. Amid all the accusations flying like distressed hadedas, what is needed is a clear-headed, dispassionate, objective, unbiased, impartial approach. 

I wish to assist and support you as I have done (unasked) for Mr Zuma, Doctor Ace, Mr Malema and many of our other heroes. Far be  it from me to play  the hard-done-by  martyr,   but  I must comment  that nary a word of thanks  have I received. Even KFC, wretched ingrates, have failed to supply the meanest of shrivelled drumsticks in gratitude for the many mentions. I trust that things will be different  with you. 

I want to couch this respectfully. If you did indeed store dollars in the recesses of a La-Z-Boy recliner, that was a serious error of judgement. At boarding school we would place our long pants under the mattress for a good, if unconventional, ironing. Everyone knows that mattresses are far better suited to this sort of thing. Those benjamins would have emerged crisp and neatly ironed. No one could then accuse you of being involved in funny money business. And while this is money ironing it is certainly not money laundering. 

I  believe that the lack of clarity around this business is fuelling the rumour-mongering, speculation and flinging about of conspiracy theories. Let us take an example from the former national police commissioner who laid out this beautifully succinct explanation for his alleged unavailability during the July unrest:

"It may not be wrong, but it is not true."

He went on to explain that people may have been looking him in places where he was not. Had they looked for him in places where he was, they would have found him.

Wonderfully clear and simple, yet with a zen-like, mystical layer of hidden meaning.

Sir, I suggest that we issue a similarly clear, crisp message in order to put a stop to the confusion. My first draft:

1 My people sold some Ankole cattle, which, as you know, are sought-after worldwide for their superior milk,  meat and hides. 

2. They were en route to the banking halls, (the people, not the cattle), to deposit the money,  when the VBS catastrophe came to mind. (Some members of the EFF may be happy to expand further on that unhappy episode). 

3. My people wisely turned back and used the alternative, tried and trusted sofa banking approach.

4. I admit  that it was a lapse of judgement to have used a sofa instead of a mattress. For that I apologize to the nation as well as to illegal immigrants.

There you are sir. Clear logical, chronological. Many of our heroes of the revolution and the liberation struggle are champing at the bit as they wait for their own interesting adventures and ventures to be investigated or analysed or tried in a court of law. (Please note, not 'chomping', as is often said, though some may well be chomping at other stuff with gusto). Those waiting may include Mr Zuma,  Doctor Ace, Ms Sisulu and many others who fought valiantly for justice, equity and truth. 

Sir you have been holding up the queue. However, now that we have set out the sequence of events in transparent, 

logical order, we can move on. Would it be Mr Zuma's turn next, perhaps?

Yours in the struggle for clarity, transparency and a nice, medium-rare Ankole fillet.

Richard  

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Ghost Workers In PRASA

 To the  tune of Ghost Riders In The Sky

An auditor was checking stats

One bright and sunny day

Upon a file he lingered 

And his face turned ashen grey

Cause all at once a mighty pile

Of ghostly names he saw

Chowing up the wages bill

On each page there were more

A thousand names went rolling by

They were piled up to the sky

And when he came to Mickey Mouse 

He felt that he might die 

His heart was seized with panic

There were spots before his eye

For he saw the numbers coming hard

And he gave a mournful cry

Mayebabo

Yoh, Yoh, Yoh, Yoh

Ghost workers in PRASA

The numbers haunt that auditor

Right up until today

He's trying to forget them 

But they just won't go away

If you walk by his office

Or perhaps go driving by

Above the noise of traffic

You'll hear his mournful cry

The minister was unfazed

He sent a cheerful tweet

'We've saved the country millions

And everything is sweet'

To swallow that weird logic

You must be pretty dense

The auditor keeps crying out

As if he's lost his sense

Mayebabo

Yoh, Yoh, Yoh, Yoh

Ghost workers in PRASA

Ghost workers in PRASA
Ghost workers in PRASA

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Another Day In The Beloved Country

Dear Fellow South Africans 

The internet was down for the fourth time in about as many weeks. The technicians had tried all day but had failed to resolve the issue. So said the ever-helpful library staff.

I once foolishly thought that technical problems were relatively straightforward to resolve (I'm not saying 'easy'). As  opposed to, say, the riddle of the sphinx, the mystery of the meaning of life and questions on the  origin of man. (The problem lies with valve A, transmitter B or widget C). Clearly, I was mistaken. 

One thing that is not a mystery: if we cannot  run a small, local library efficiently, how can we be expected to run trains, power stations or a national broadcaster? 

In South Africa,  heavily armed zama-zamas frolic gleefully along with armed villains of every description. Corruption plumbs new depths. Hardly a level or department of government or SOE's remains unsoiled.  We are truly sons of the soil. Mysteries, allegations, accusations rain down like the biblical  locust plague. Our national broadcaster, in their wisdom and great mercy spare us the pain of such news. 

We were treated to a briefing by Eskom. I was delighted at the  lingering coverage of the fire drill. I now know to take a left, a right and exit (walk, don't run) into the car park. Should I be magically transported from my (dollar-free) couch to the briefing venue, I will be fine.

A long, somewhat technical report followed. Those lazy buggers at CNN, the BBC and other inferior news services would have summarized the main issues. Who knows when the intimate knowledge of generation stats, valves and other dinguses may well save my life in a dangerous South Africa ? SABC, my, you do inform, entertain and educate. I was transfixed  - between snores. 

More education, entertainment and information followed, as a gentleman explained the intricacies of his company's complex dealings in supporting minibus taxis and other forms of transport. I dozed off and missed anything he might have said on the important subject of donkey carts.

A markets segment followed. The erudite speaker probably passed his B.Com. cum laude but failed English dismally, catastrophically.  Once more, I was rivetted during the first five seconds All of these spellbinding segments lasted far, far longer than the boring catalogue of murder, corruption, looting, buffoonery and incompetence that make up the bulk of our less important news.

I feel so informed, educated and entertained that I need to take a nap.

Yours in the struggle for actual news.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

The Oddfathers

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

Do not miss a single episode of The Oddfathers.

This enthralling series is reminiscent of The Godfather, yet with a strong local flavour.  It follows the fortunes of the once powerful Ancetti family, struggling, and mostly failing, to prop up ailing, crumbling family businesses.  The rival Effigiano and Danatto families are an ever-present  threat.  

The real drama, though, comes from the brutal, bloody battles within, tearing the once close family apart. 

Character development gives this series a gritty, realistic feel. No-one is left unmarked by the savage, soul-destroying wars within the family. The old Don, Big Jake, becomes a mumbling (a la Brando), bumbling, plotting shadow, deserted by allies and friends. Dodo, his devoted daughter, fights fiercely for him, but has not appeared in the last few episodes. Has she been written out of the series?

'Two Ton' Tony, the debonair capo, once known as Mr Integrity, is looking increasingly bloated, dissipated and embittered.  'On The Money' Manny, former consiglieri, whines, whinges and bleats in ever-decreasing volume. 

Then there's 'Princess' Linda, who left to make her fortune on stage and screen. Once a dazzling beauty, now a somewhat faded star,  she returns to take a more significant role in the family business. Plunged into the midst of the savage battle for control of the family, she supplies some gripping, if shrill drama.

Ace (nickname from wartime flying days) Magolini, a once powerful capo, fond of stylish shades and  a mover and shaker in the lucrative agricultural and construction  businesses, shrinks to a shadow of his former self.  The star of newly appointed consiglieri, Ronaldo Lamolini, in contrast, is on the rise.

The older, retired dons, crirical of the new ways, make surprising, dramatic cameo appearances.

Of course, the series really revolves around the enigmatic Don Cyrus. In the latest episode, he survives an assassination attempt at a family meeting. But the knives are still out.

The action-packed series has subtle, darkly humourous moments. In one such, family members gang up on the Don, accusing him of moving in on the thriving furniture business behind the family's back. The rich irony is that most, if not all of his accusers, have cupboards full of smallanyana and biganyana skeletons (in the parlance of the family).

Will Don Cyrus survive? Will the family slide into oblivion, as they dance on like doomed, overfed Titanic passengers?

Does anyone give a damn?

Don't miss the next episode. You can catch snippets on the national broadcaster's special slot dedicated to the series. Rumour has it that a version dubbed into isiZulu will be titled 'imiGodoyi'.

Yours in the struggle to support local drama.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

 

The People Shall Party

 Dear Mr Malema 

The White Monopoly Controlled media have been at it again with lurid headlines about cash, condoms, expensive liquor and the people's CIC. They have no skaam cells.

Even if any of this is true, what's the  point of leading a party if one can't party from time to time?  Even that degenerate neo-colonialist Boris Whatisname knew that. How much more does not a principled party of the underprivileged deserve to kick back, and knock back a few 20 year old scotches while discussing  dialectical materialism? And chuckling drunkenl..., sorry, merrily at the Afriforum jokes. Why should the Brits and the ANC have all the fun?  After all you're not the ACDP, sipping guava juice and making small talk. You are red blooded revolutionaries of whom Chè would have been proud. Indeed, he would be bursting with pride.

Marching on dark dens of counter-revolution, schools and old age homes is thirsty work. What do people expect a world-renowned CIC to drink - chibuku?  I can see the headlines from the same sensation seeking news media - 'Malema Chugs Chibuku'.  Imagine the humiliation of having a smug BBC presenter pronounce that 'Mr Maleema was said to have downed several cartons of Cheebookoo at a party for the party'.

No, the champion of the poor deserves far better. Rank and revolutionary struggle have their privileges. 

Much has been made of the condoms. People should keep their minds off the seamy side. Their smutty imaginations probably conjured  up visions  of arms and legs waving in the air, underwear strewn around, pants, moans, groans, grunts, yelps, loins....., I think you get the idea. Do they not know that condoms have many uses beyond the obvious? Finger warmers, soft thimbles, cute mini-balloons, are but a few. I've heard that the lubricant is good for arthritis.

At any rate, you are supposed to have once said that a revolutionary is a walking, killing machine. I think that modesty restrained you from saying  'walking, killing, lovemaking machine'.

As for the cash, well, the sofas need pumping up, don't they?

Sir, I would investigate  the leaking of this information  (or depraved, debauched ramblings of the decadent WMC puppets)  as rigorously as you scrutinize racist shampoo advertisements. I can tell you now that evidence of white tendencies and DA and CIA involvement are a very real possibility. Bloody agents abound.

Yours in the struggle for work / life balance and good, clean fun.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

The Struggle For Honest Business Practices Continues

 This disturbing report from Pretoria News;:

"Driving school owners protest against traffic officials increasing bribes from R1700 to R2000".

I am dismayed. That's a fifteen percent hike!  Bread, eggs, petrol, now bribes. How can anyone make an honest living under these conditions?

We know that the war in the Ukraine has affected prices everywhere but this is ridiculous. A five percent hike, one might understand. I'm not saying that I would approve. I'm against price hikes on principle. What value add would I, the driving school owner, receive for the five percent increase? Faster processing of licenses? A working card machine?

I suspected that horrific price increases were in the offing. A friend told me that, on his commutes, the going rate has always been one KFC drumstick. Now they are demanding two. Sometimes a wing as well. He refused to elaborate on who "they" were.  

I find this to be scandalous profiteering. I appeal to the president to intervene. Perhaps Mr Fixit, negotiator par excellence, could assist. A commission of inquiry would be a logical starting point. The usual factors should be considered: area pay rates, labour market conditions, collective bargaining, government legislation and cost of living. Let us adopt our usual rational, lawful approach -  alles in ordnung, like the Germans.   

Mediation could follow. Arbitration if necessary. A body should be set up to regulate the movement of, er, facilitation fees. 

I am all for free market principles but consumers also need to be protected. Public Protector, please take note - when other pressing matters allow. 

Yours in the struggle for fair, honest business practices.

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Provincial Government Move Their Asses

The North West community safety department has spent R780 000 on 20 donkey carts.

The department said in a statement on Sunday the carts were purchased to alleviate challenges faced by rural communities.

From a news report 

Dear Fellow South Africans 

We South Africans are, in general, an ungrateful, cynical lot. Provincial government officials are moving their asses. And do we applaud them?  No, cynicism, mockery and sarcasm descend like lotto scandals.

So these are not exactly bullet trains, but one has to start somewhere. At least we are way ahead of those slow thinkers at the COP27 summit. We have implemented an environmentally friendly solution. The odd hoof print but no carbon footprint. Fresh dung to top up our considerable national reserves. No noise pollution. Just the gentle braying of asses, to which we have become accustomed in this country. These beasts can double as a quiet, eco-friendly lawnmower.

There is an exquisite symbolism in all this. Citizens, sitting on asses, led by asses. It is a pity that the Democrats in the US have already adopted the donkey as their party mascot symbol. 

Like our politicians, let us take a calm, rational approach. There are advantages.

The pothole menace becomes a thing of the past. People in the North West need to keep an eye out for assholes instead.  I don't know how big a problem they are in the North West. I can only speak for KZN. 

The carts come in two (R32 500) and four-seater versions (R45 500), says the report.  Similar to the Range Rovers favoured by some politicians? That's cheap at current tender rates. (Is someone sleeping on the job?).  About the same as a really low-end used car. Who would want that when you can have a brand, spanking, new, top-of-the range donkey cart to ride the range with? And they come, apparently, with a three year maintenance plan. I'm not sure whether that applies to both donkey and cart or cart only. I'm considering raising my hand.

One can but say to those involved: "Viva! Up your...., Sorry, up with your asses!"

Yours in the struggle for environmentally friendly, smart solutions and in the 'Asses For The Masses' Movement.

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723