The Crying Game

 Dear Ms Kievit (Minister of Something)

A dramatic picture that, of you weeping at the sight of the havoc wreaked, allegedly by Israeli settlers, in the Palestinian town, Turmus.

Some Shakespeare to comfort you, from Hamlet:

'Leave wringing of your hands.

Peace, sit you down, and let me wring your heart,

For so I shall, if it be made of penetrable stuff, 

If damned custom have not brazed it so,

That it is proof and bulwark against sense...'

Do you have some tears left for the havoc wreaked by the protection services thugs who savagely beat two citizens at home?

Someone implied that they may have brought it on themselves by trailing the ruffians. I am deeply concerned about the quality of the stuff that such people are smoking, inhaling or injecting. Another opined that they may have disturbed the bullies. For heaven's sake, is it not clear enough that the brutes are already seriously disturbed?

Governments elsewhere try to make life easier for citizens: capping some costs, offering free or cheaper services to the vulnerable, and other initiatives. Your comrades, not content with squeezing citizens  relentlessly,  steal as well. Isn't that worth a drop from the tear glands?

Then there are the unthinkable abominations : neglect leading to death of vulnerable people (Esidimeni)  neglect leading to needless deaths and damage in KZN, the theft of billions meant for healthcare, disaster relief and the upliftment of South Africa's people. There's  the horror that is Eskom, the horror that is just about any government department dishing out torture daily and not giving a damn. 

And your comrades want to spend millions and billions on statues. Statues, for crying out loud! As you did.

Gross neglect and dereliction of duty have allowed our country to become a playground for the vilest. Rape, assaault, robbery and murder reign. Worth a sob or two, oh you of tender heart?

From Wilfred Owen's wartime poem, 'Anthem for Doomed Youth':

'What passing bells for those who die as cattle?'

Young and old die as cattle, but you and your comrades are dry-eyed. And we are not in a war. Or...

'South Africa ranks as one of the most violent and dangerous places in the world. The Institute of Economics and Peace (IEP) published its Global Peace Index (GPI) for 2023, showing...'

You had a hand over your eyes in that heart-wrenching picture. Perhaps, if you and the comrades removed your hands from your eyes, you would see what we see. 

Of course, the obvious, commonsense answer is that all of you need to go. Unfortunately, we have never been strong on commonsense here. 

We prefer the crying game.

Cry the beloved country.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Viva EFF

"Besides spending close to R4million buying food hampers, two plate stoves etc in the recent by elections in KZN, The EFF hired a helicopter for 4 days costing hundreds of thousands to shuttle Floyd Shivambu around diffrent venues in the area. After all this The EFF was TOTALLY rejected by the people. Question is where is all this money coming from

We need truly caring , hardworking public officials who don’t only show up during elections- we r gatvol"

From the ever-dependable Twitterati newsfeed.

Dear EFF Comrades

Could this be true? 

If so, I am devastated at the news that all of your efforts were in vain. I,  like many others,  am enchanted by your strategies and policies that will ensure lots of free stuff for us all. I understand that that includes our fence crawling  brothers from other parts of the continent. 

More importantly, I come not to scoff but to help. (Except insofar as the  slang meaning of 'scoff' applies, i.e. 'eat). I don't believe that you have visited our  suburb. I'm sure that I would have heard the helicopter. Unless of course I mistook it for the police helicopter that rattles over so frequently.

Now, if you come this way, I believe that I can be of great assistance. All that I would ask in return is one of those food parcels with a bundle of notes tucked into it. You could afford that easily because you would not need a helicopter here. We have minibus taxis galore. Fares are quite reasonable for the times that we are in. Some of them will get you to your destination much quicker than any expensive helicopter would. You would certainly have my vote. I believe that that is a substantial improvement on zero votes. Should the bundle of notes be of a thickness that allows for generosity, I  could also guarantee you some votes from friends who are going through difficult times. Not as a bribe,  you understand. Rather as a foretaste of things to come when you ascend the steep staircase of power. Should you not have sufficient cash on hand, my VBS account details are below. 

Someone was concerned about where the money is coming from. I believe that it is far more useful to focus on where the money would be going to. I agree that we need caring, hardworking officials. And yes, you have set a good example. It is hard, exacting work flying around in helicopters, assaulted by the noise of motors, buffeted around by KZN winds and fighting nausea. Floyd must have been exhausted.  But happy in the knowledge that he was doing his bit to fight poverty, oppression, WMC, Stratcom, colonial clerks, Jan van Riebeeck, bloody agents, white tendencied counterrevolutionnaries and the CIA. 

Yes we are indeed gatvol of officials who only show up during elections. Unless of course they pad those food parcels with bundles of cash. Why should our president be the only one to have fun with bundles of cash?

Do let me know when you are available for a campaign. I am providing a similar service to several political parties. Nonetheless,  I am sure that I can fit you in.  After all, who would not want to lend a hand to the party of the poor and the downtrodden? Just a point of order sir. I would take all of those two-plate stoves and food hampers back from those people so ungrateful as to not return a quo for your quid. Let the manipulative buggers braai. You will not find me so ungracious. 

Yours in the struggle for a caring, hardworking approach to political office.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

A Spirited Fightback

ANC KZN provincial secretary Bheki Mtolo says that the province will have a cleansing ceremony as they believe that the high murder rate is caused by bad spirits dating back to the Anglo Boer war. Jacob Zuma,Willies Mchunu and Sazi Mhlongo will be at the forefront of this program'

From a news report.

Dear Messrs Mtolo, Zuma and Other Concerned Comrades

There have been many wars in KZN. People of all hues beat, stabbed and shot the hell out of one another for many turbulent years. Typical of the white spirits to be the ones raising hell, while the others are getting on with their normal spirit lives. I imagine that that would include imparting wisdom to the comrades, such as you are now demonstrating.  Also warning them in apocalyptic, technicolour dreams of the catastrophic consequences for a country when leaders stray off the paths of duty and service. Choosing instead the muddy, pig-dropping strewn lanes of greed, corruption, indulgence, buffoonery and neglect. Of course, none of that happens here. I am sure that while these white spirits run amok, those of duskier hue are shaking their spectral heads in disgust and disapproval. Just by the by,  I hope that it's not an intake of white spirits that led your team to this remarkable  revelation.

I can see the paid assassins, murderers, thieves and robbers, once delivered, by your ceremony, shaking themselves as if awakening from a dream. The inkabi (paid assassin), flings from him the AK47 and blood money of some R10 000. He rushes to confess to the intended target that a rival politician has unfriendly intentions. Likewise, armed robbers stop their charge into a mall, drop their weapons and prostrate themselves in abject apology before startled shoppers. Rapists turn up for therapy, druglords turn up at Sunday services.

I love the way you comrades think. What could more effectively free us from the chains of grinding poverty and the horrors of rampant crime than a few magnificent statues from flood relief funds and this spirit- klapping ceremony. I trust that there will be plenty of well- seasoned meat to consume. Perhaps a shot or two to knock back? I will not shrink from doing my part in the spiritual battle. As an extra-mile contribution, I'll happily hoover up some (inevitable) tenders at the usual, carefully calculated rates. Down with white spirits, I say! Phansi! (The exception being the bottled sort). I can offer my experience gained as Spirit Controller at a Merebank company that manufactured cane, gin and vodka from molasses. Of course I know that it's a different sort of spirit we're dealing with here. But what the heck, say I. If you can control one lot, you can control them all.

I am glad to see Mr Zuma at the forefront of another enlightened initiative. Has he not had his share of spirit harrassment? Troubles over firepools, charges, debts;  targeted by journalists, prosecutors, malicious descendants of said white spirits  - the list of trials and travails is long. And what has he done, as he once asked? Ruled the country with great wisdom, transforming SARS, the security cluster and other important entities. Why, we were on the threshold of Uhuru before he was unceremoniously advised to retire. How we long for the days of no crime, scandal or suffering of any kind. Come back, Mr Zuma, all is forgiven. We'd just need you to attend your corruption trial first - in full. Your diligent daughter, Dudu, seemed to intimate that some Pale Ones (possibly CIA aided and inspired?) are behind the recent tornado carnage - if I understood her intriguing tweets. These spirits must be stopped, sir. You are the man to lead the charge. 

Mr Cele is confronting the challenges of alchohol, tattoo and population growth-fuelled crime. You are dealing with malignant Boer and English spirits. How can we lose?

South Africans, particularly the poor, are ecstatic.

Yours in the struggle against spirits of caucasoid persuasion.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

A Culture Mad

Dear ANC

You are living the we..., I mean, the dream.

Everything that is upstuffable you have stuffed up. Cum laude. It's wearying to list what that is and it would take too long. I'm sure that you yourselves have lost track. One way is to ask what still works in South Africa. Nothing? See what I mean about the list?

No Roman orgy ever lasted this long, nor were so many, er, corporeally ministered to. (Apologies. After my recent suspension, without pay - unlike some of your heroic cadres - by Twitter, one needs to swathe the truth in many layers of fluff).

Yet you survive, grow fatter (if that's possible), and thrive. Many scammers and low-polling political parties worldwide would kill for your secret. It has to be one of the modern wonders of the world. The EFF must be biting their lips in envy, though they're not doing too badly as a sort of distant also-ran.

You were a liberation movement. You have, in recent times, liberated us from commonsense, truth, decency. No need to quote examples. Is there a single prominent member of your movement that is not under a cloud of one kind or another? Serious question and asking for my grandson.

You do, however, have a following as loyal as the crowd who followed the first lemming into blissful oblivion. People are waking up to what your long-running, lavatorial burlesque means for South Africa. Unfortunately, many will vote for you in haste and protest against your greed, incompetence and indifference at leisure. Is not this the tried and trusted South African way? I think that there will be a great awakening one day, when we are fighting one another for the contents of dirt bins, among crumbling statues and ruined smart cities. It will be a tad late.

And of course, democracy allows one to make ruinous choices. When that democracy operates only at the shallowest level, then correcting for those choices is almost impossible. I'm not suggesting that this is the case in South Africa. I'm merely saying it. We are currently, like those participants in the Roman orgies, truly ministered to.

If we had opposition parties just a little more concerned about this country than about ego, power and all the delectable stuff that goes alongside, we'd have a fighting chance. Perhaps this is unfair and unduly negative. I hope so. 

Historians, viewing the smoking, decaying remains of what was once a country of promise, will probably ask the profound, philosophical question;

"What the hell was wrong with these people?

Accurate scholarship can
Unearth the whole offence
From Luther until now
That has driven a culture mad...

(Auden: September 1st, 1939)

Yours in the struggle to find the hope that springs eternal.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Twits

 "Hey, Chief. Got another one. He used the HN word."

"Let's suspend the jerk's account. Got to show 'em who's boss of free speech."

"Not sure I understand what this guy was going on about."

"Don't matter. He used the words, he used the words!"

"Yup, can't have 'em violating our good American free speech / no hate values."

"Keep 'em tame, I say. Next thing you know, they'll be telling the truth on Twitter. Maybe", Crosses himself. "Even lampooning Elon."

"Dios mio. Give him twelve hours. Should have him on his knees. Bet he appeals."

"Got the standard stuff ready. We have reviewed blah, blah, blah..."

"Yep, keep 'em honest,"

Dear Mr Musk and Twitter People 

You suspended my account for the following excerpt from a satirical post:

The Scuffle Continues @ScuffleThe @matthewellis97 @Whistlepigstew @Brettbenraphael @MzansiIndian03 "The judiciary is captured."  "Only when it's  not ruling for your master." "House negro!" "You are supposed to be anti-American but you ape them. Anyway you and your ilk are true house negroes. All you repeat is your massa's kitchen gossip...

("Damn, Bert. He's done it again!"

Sad shake of head. "Some people never learn. Take him out.")

I've seen truly vile, racist rants and even threats on Twitter, oh eagle-eyed ones. Where are you then?

Let me "break it down" for you.

1. This was not directed at anyone in particular. Yes, I should hope that the spread of buckshot did hit a few deserving targets.

2. It's an excerpt - read my lips - from a satirical post. It's a fictional exchange, but as close to the real thing on Twitter as  a tenderpreneur is to his  / her patrons with political power.

3. What's in this excerpt is what we see daily on Twitter. Have you suspended the original authors?

4. Irony of ironies: the piece lampoons the very people who spew out mindless clichès and insults on your hallowed platform.

You remind me of our apartheid era censors.

"Hey, Koos. Found something called Black Beauty by Anna Sewell."

"Jislaaik! That's the kind of communist-inspired filth that will tempt the youth of the Volk to indulge in frenzies of lust and licence....."

"Licentiousness.'

"Wat ook al. Ban it."

Stamp, stamp. 'Banned / Verban.'

"See if you can get me a copy of the video. Got to keep on top of the kind of sewage those commies are pushing out."

"Oh, and see if BOSS can find this Anna Sewell."

Ja, well, no fine.

See you on Twitter, mankers.

Yours in the struggle for horse-manure-free speech.

Richard 

Peace in Our Time

Dear Mr Putin 

I want to hasten to assure you that although our president spent time with Zelensky and a few pleasant hours in Poland, we have nothing to do with the current unpleasantness on the hallowed  soil of Mother Russia.

You know that we are your faithful lapd..., pardon, friends unto death. In a figurative sense, that is. We all know that that Prigozhin fellow has a presence in Africa, making friends and influencing people. However, to my knowledge, he has never been in South Africa. I did see a fellow who somewhat resembled him, in a bar once in Durban. He was drinking vodka. But I'm sure that's just coincidence, or my fevered imagination. (I've had some  bouts of sinusitis, like Mr de Ruyter). Anyway, you know how you Russian guys all look ali..., so sorry, please ignore that.

You know that we are great fans of Russia and your puissant self. We eat Russians (a spicy sausage) regularly with slap chips. This keeps our mystical bond to the mother country alive. Our political leadership plays Russian roulette with our national fortunes and future daily. In inKhaaandla and other circles, you are revered as the Egyptians once revered Ra, the sun god. Why, sir, if it were possible,  we would be more Russian than you are.

We are, I am sure, willing to assemble another peace mission, like the recent, stunningly successful one we pulled off. Of course, this time, we'll give Poland a miss and leave the journalists behind (as per the sage advice of a government person). Our Mr Mbalula is a man of great wisdom, who has managed to turn every ANC stuff up into a great achievement, with just a few wise words. A must for the team, you might want to take him to the front, several times, for an assessment and sound advice.

I am sure that we are willing and eager tp do whatever it takes to bring peace to the pleasant land. As we were during our own troubles in KZN in 2021. Our Defence Minister advised that we loaded fokol onto your ship, the Lady R, and if it helps the peace effort, we have lots more to spare.

Sir, I hope that your powerful fingers are not hovering over the red button. Should it be so, I'm sure that you will make every effort to spare our own pleasant land. We have an election coming up next year. As the twitterati are wont to say, we want to see something. Should the ANC triumph again, well, sir, you might as well have at it.

Lest we miss you at the BRICS conference in South Africa later this year,  may I wish you well.

Yours in the struggle for peace, liberty and the  brotherhood of man.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Media Mogul to MP

Dear Mr Manyi

Media mogul, staunch standard bearer for His Former Excellency, Mr Zuma, (still excellent in every respect, according to that reliable witness, his daughter, Dudu), now a member of parliament for the EFF. Are there no heights that you cannot conquer?

Were you not also with the ATM party or did you just visit the atm from time to time? 

I expected great things when you acquired ANN7 and that investigative journal. 

"At last", I thought. "Unrelenting, investigative journalism from a cool, dispassionate perspective, unclouded by dubious attachments to dubious persons or organizations."

Is the TV station still alive? And that trumpet of truth, the newspaper? I haven't heard much of them lately. For some years, actually. I imagine that, had they survived, we would all have been set free by the truth about state capture and the thousand South African mysteries swirling in the ether. I bet you would have neatly dissected the Polish mess with the surgical skill of a young Chris Barnard. Oops, sorry, that won't do. He was white. 

Unfortunately, you are lost to the world of Journalism With Integrity. At least, we'll have an MP of integrity within the party of integrity and pure Pan-Africanism. You may have to brush up on your self-defence skills, sir. Your new party occasionally goes beyond verbal jousting to full contact kyokushinkai. I would be happy to take you through some basics at a fee that your new job would easily accommodate. 

Sir, what about the internationally renowned Zuma foundation? Ah, but you could handle that during tea breaks. I don't think a lot goes on there, unless Mr Zuma writes another car boot blockbuster.  

I trust that you have been fitted out for a smart set of red overalls, with matching beret. I look forward to your inevitably gooseflesh-raising maiden speech. All that practice on Twitter was never in vain. Have at those puppets of Western imperialism, White Monopoly Capital, neo-colonialism, neo-nazism, neo-apartheid and global hegemony! 

Incidentally, sir, it appears that the EFF road to parliament is as broad as the one mentioned in the Good Book. I am currently unemployed and keen to make a bu...., I mean, contribution. I've been told that I Iook good in red. I am a flexible, adaptable revolutionary at heart. Most importantly, I can carry a tune and march with the best of them, when my knees are not playing up. Should you spot another opening, my contact details are below. I am also quite active on Twitter, supporting the CIC and other heroes. Not least, your good self.

Importantly, sir, when I searched for your name on Dr Google's pages, what came up first?  Horror of horrors: Jimmy Manyi. You ought to sue the undies off those 'reckless bastards', throwing your slave name around so heedlessly. Perhaps you could, as a first act, introduce a bill on slave names. No need to thank me, J..., er, Mr Manyi. I scratch your back...

Yours in the struggle for a Pan-African love fest in the  new, borderless Mzansi and a 2024 vote somewhere above 10%.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723