No Place Like Home Affairs

 Dear Home Affairs and ANC

I once described your service, (a misnomer, if ever I heard one), in terms associated with post-digestive waste.

I apologize. I did not do you justice. It's infinitely worse than that. When I think of the nine hours spent outside your model of 'batho pele / people first', many words come to mind -  words beginning with F, C, S...  Suffice it to say that it's a fudding disaster.  Incidentally, I did not get to see the inside of the bustling beehive of excellent activity. Not this day.

Your staff are the frothy cream on top of the concoction that you serve up. A security gentleman warned us about the skelms promising to speed things up for a fee. So far so good. He explained that those who had booked would be attended to first. That is wonderful, except that it's impossible to book on a  system designed by Fred Flinstone - on a bad day. When this was pointed out, his helpful response was:

"Yes, sometimes there are system problems. Just keep trying".

Till the Good Lord returns (to quote a model of ANC leadership excellence)?

Someone asked if there was a queue for senior citizens. A 'yes' or 'no' would have sufficed. But our customer service hero was determined to go the extra 1.6 kilometres.

"This is not SARS", he pointed out helpfully. "Just follow the queue and imagine that you are at SARS." No irony detected here.

Don't we love Home Affairs humour?  I imagine that that gentlemen was the star student in your Customer Service Excellence training courses. 

The rest of his contribution  for the day was standing in a doorwaiy. Oh, and wisely not getting too involved when a fight almost broke out over queue jumping claims. 

As the long day declined towards closing time, the people next in line asked if they should leave, or stay on in the hope of  being attended to.

"The supervisor will decide", he replied.

The supervisor was still deciding as the desperate hopefuls watched the doors close in their faces. This poster boy for government service cannot answer the simplest of questions.

What purpose does such an employee serve? Apart from consuming oxygen that could have been put to much better use.

Gangrene has to be removed. Cancer, the same. You guys live with this mess day, month and year in and out. And you've never felt moved to do something significant about it? And you have managers and supervisors that you pay to manage and supervise?  The only news I've ever seen about enterprise and innovation at your department involves people selling documents at R50 000 a shot. 

A small point. When you have rats and cockroaches scurrying around a building, you can be reasonably sure that they're not there because of cleanliness and good housekeeping. You have vermin scurrying around, selling queue places. It's not a good environment. Not one you can be proud of.  Ah, but we dispensed with that stupid, colonialist notion of pride in work long ago, didn't we? 

Government departments around the world are renowned for indifference, maddening bureaucracy and piss-poor service . You have refined it to an ignoble art.  The torture is exquisite. It is like being caught in a cross between Monty Python and Catch 22.

People actually vote for this.

People truly believe that you can govern a country in the twenty-first century.

I have to repeat this: isn't it fascinating that the one department that works efficiently,  online and off,  is the money collector, SARS?  I wonder what that tells us.

Yours in the struggle.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Plotting Paul's Fall

 Dear Mr Mashatile

I read that you told City Press, in an exclusive interview, of a plot to oust you.

I do enjoy your party's goings on. They often read like a cold war spy novel or the shenanigans in some Eastern European country (like Bulgaria). Far more exciting than the dull doings of your typical   government of a democratic country. Does this stem from your party's fascination with the enlightened ways of comrades in those parts?

Mr Zuma wrote a book that flew off the car boot. I would not  be too concerned about being ousted. You could write a thrilling best seller. A title you might consider is  'Plotting Paul's Fall'. Has a ring to it, doesn't it? It should be a piece of cake. You already have the plot. I think it wou,ld beat having to listen to, and make, yawn-inducing speeches about things you haven't been able to do for almost thirty years. And are you not tired of the same old songs and dance moves?

Until then, some hints about watching your six, gleaned from contract experience with the KGB, the CIA, MI5 to 6 and the XZQR. 

1. Use shop windows and reflective surfaces to check for tails. 

2. Never use the same route twice. Three times is okay.

3. Tie shoelaces at intervals as an opportunity to do a visual sweep of your surroundings. (Also if they come loose). Should you not have lace - up shoes,  carry a yellow dustcloth to wipe your shoes at regular and irregular intervals (keep 'em guessing).

4. If you spot anyone leaning against a lamppost reading a newspaper regard that with great suspicion. The following are dead giveaways:

  A. The newspaper is upside down

  B. It's a foreign language newspaper

  C.  The reader is wearing dark glasses

  D.  It's pouring with rain

All of the above also applies to a reader on a park bench

  5.  Dart into a shop or alleyway at the slow approach of any SUV with tinted windows. Particularly if such approach is accompanied  by the sudden playing of eerie music 

6. Use disposable cellphones (we are currently running a special on those).

7. The professional services of MERDE, (Mann Enterprise for the Resolution of Dire Emergencies),  are at your disposal

The platinum package will have us on speed dial.

Of course, none of this will help if the plotters can plot worth a darn. But it will take your mind off plots and give you something interesting to do. 

I would also check your office environment for a mole. This has nothing to do with plots but is merely a gardening tip. We do that too, as well as garbage collection for influential clients. We will even sift through your garbage for any incriminating stuff, which we will then sto..., I mean, destroy, lest it fall into the hands of those less scrupulous than we are.  

You were recommended to us as someone who may need our services. I cannot reveal the identity of the recommender as it may constitute a conflict of interests.

I notice that the plotting revelations surfaced after the roadside incident. Nothing inferred here, sir. I just noticed it.

Just by the by, I am concerned that my favourite investigative journal, The Daily Sun, despite their wonderfully imaginative stories and headlines, may face fierce competition and pressure, as your party continues to churn out the most intriguing stories.

Yours in the perpetual struggle against plotters.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

The Crying Game

 Dear Ms Kievit (Minister of Something)

A dramatic picture that, of you weeping at the sight of the havoc wreaked, allegedly by Israeli settlers, in the Palestinian town, Turmus.

Some Shakespeare to comfort you, from Hamlet:

'Leave wringing of your hands.

Peace, sit you down, and let me wring your heart,

For so I shall, if it be made of penetrable stuff, 

If damned custom have not brazed it so,

That it is proof and bulwark against sense...'

Do you have some tears left for the havoc wreaked by the protection services thugs who savagely beat two citizens at home?

Someone implied that they may have brought it on themselves by trailing the ruffians. I am deeply concerned about the quality of the stuff that such people are smoking, inhaling or injecting. Another opined that they may have disturbed the bullies. For heaven's sake, is it not clear enough that the brutes are already seriously disturbed?

Governments elsewhere try to make life easier for citizens: capping some costs, offering free or cheaper services to the vulnerable, and other initiatives. Your comrades, not content with squeezing citizens  relentlessly,  steal as well. Isn't that worth a drop from the tear glands?

Then there are the unthinkable abominations : neglect leading to death of vulnerable people (Esidimeni)  neglect leading to needless deaths and damage in KZN, the theft of billions meant for healthcare, disaster relief and the upliftment of South Africa's people. There's  the horror that is Eskom, the horror that is just about any government department dishing out torture daily and not giving a damn. 

And your comrades want to spend millions and billions on statues. Statues, for crying out loud! As you did.

Gross neglect and dereliction of duty have allowed our country to become a playground for the vilest. Rape, assaault, robbery and murder reign. Worth a sob or two, oh you of tender heart?

From Wilfred Owen's wartime poem, 'Anthem for Doomed Youth':

'What passing bells for those who die as cattle?'

Young and old die as cattle, but you and your comrades are dry-eyed. And we are not in a war. Or...

'South Africa ranks as one of the most violent and dangerous places in the world. The Institute of Economics and Peace (IEP) published its Global Peace Index (GPI) for 2023, showing...'

You had a hand over your eyes in that heart-wrenching picture. Perhaps, if you and the comrades removed your hands from your eyes, you would see what we see. 

Of course, the obvious, commonsense answer is that all of you need to go. Unfortunately, we have never been strong on commonsense here. 

We prefer the crying game.

Cry the beloved country.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Viva EFF

"Besides spending close to R4million buying food hampers, two plate stoves etc in the recent by elections in KZN, The EFF hired a helicopter for 4 days costing hundreds of thousands to shuttle Floyd Shivambu around diffrent venues in the area. After all this The EFF was TOTALLY rejected by the people. Question is where is all this money coming from

We need truly caring , hardworking public officials who don’t only show up during elections- we r gatvol"

From the ever-dependable Twitterati newsfeed.

Dear EFF Comrades

Could this be true? 

If so, I am devastated at the news that all of your efforts were in vain. I,  like many others,  am enchanted by your strategies and policies that will ensure lots of free stuff for us all. I understand that that includes our fence crawling  brothers from other parts of the continent. 

More importantly, I come not to scoff but to help. (Except insofar as the  slang meaning of 'scoff' applies, i.e. 'eat). I don't believe that you have visited our  suburb. I'm sure that I would have heard the helicopter. Unless of course I mistook it for the police helicopter that rattles over so frequently.

Now, if you come this way, I believe that I can be of great assistance. All that I would ask in return is one of those food parcels with a bundle of notes tucked into it. You could afford that easily because you would not need a helicopter here. We have minibus taxis galore. Fares are quite reasonable for the times that we are in. Some of them will get you to your destination much quicker than any expensive helicopter would. You would certainly have my vote. I believe that that is a substantial improvement on zero votes. Should the bundle of notes be of a thickness that allows for generosity, I  could also guarantee you some votes from friends who are going through difficult times. Not as a bribe,  you understand. Rather as a foretaste of things to come when you ascend the steep staircase of power. Should you not have sufficient cash on hand, my VBS account details are below. 

Someone was concerned about where the money is coming from. I believe that it is far more useful to focus on where the money would be going to. I agree that we need caring, hardworking officials. And yes, you have set a good example. It is hard, exacting work flying around in helicopters, assaulted by the noise of motors, buffeted around by KZN winds and fighting nausea. Floyd must have been exhausted.  But happy in the knowledge that he was doing his bit to fight poverty, oppression, WMC, Stratcom, colonial clerks, Jan van Riebeeck, bloody agents, white tendencied counterrevolutionnaries and the CIA. 

Yes we are indeed gatvol of officials who only show up during elections. Unless of course they pad those food parcels with bundles of cash. Why should our president be the only one to have fun with bundles of cash?

Do let me know when you are available for a campaign. I am providing a similar service to several political parties. Nonetheless,  I am sure that I can fit you in.  After all, who would not want to lend a hand to the party of the poor and the downtrodden? Just a point of order sir. I would take all of those two-plate stoves and food hampers back from those people so ungrateful as to not return a quo for your quid. Let the manipulative buggers braai. You will not find me so ungracious. 

Yours in the struggle for a caring, hardworking approach to political office.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

A Spirited Fightback

ANC KZN provincial secretary Bheki Mtolo says that the province will have a cleansing ceremony as they believe that the high murder rate is caused by bad spirits dating back to the Anglo Boer war. Jacob Zuma,Willies Mchunu and Sazi Mhlongo will be at the forefront of this program'

From a news report.

Dear Messrs Mtolo, Zuma and Other Concerned Comrades

There have been many wars in KZN. People of all hues beat, stabbed and shot the hell out of one another for many turbulent years. Typical of the white spirits to be the ones raising hell, while the others are getting on with their normal spirit lives. I imagine that that would include imparting wisdom to the comrades, such as you are now demonstrating.  Also warning them in apocalyptic, technicolour dreams of the catastrophic consequences for a country when leaders stray off the paths of duty and service. Choosing instead the muddy, pig-dropping strewn lanes of greed, corruption, indulgence, buffoonery and neglect. Of course, none of that happens here. I am sure that while these white spirits run amok, those of duskier hue are shaking their spectral heads in disgust and disapproval. Just by the by,  I hope that it's not an intake of white spirits that led your team to this remarkable  revelation.

I can see the paid assassins, murderers, thieves and robbers, once delivered, by your ceremony, shaking themselves as if awakening from a dream. The inkabi (paid assassin), flings from him the AK47 and blood money of some R10 000. He rushes to confess to the intended target that a rival politician has unfriendly intentions. Likewise, armed robbers stop their charge into a mall, drop their weapons and prostrate themselves in abject apology before startled shoppers. Rapists turn up for therapy, druglords turn up at Sunday services.

I love the way you comrades think. What could more effectively free us from the chains of grinding poverty and the horrors of rampant crime than a few magnificent statues from flood relief funds and this spirit- klapping ceremony. I trust that there will be plenty of well- seasoned meat to consume. Perhaps a shot or two to knock back? I will not shrink from doing my part in the spiritual battle. As an extra-mile contribution, I'll happily hoover up some (inevitable) tenders at the usual, carefully calculated rates. Down with white spirits, I say! Phansi! (The exception being the bottled sort). I can offer my experience gained as Spirit Controller at a Merebank company that manufactured cane, gin and vodka from molasses. Of course I know that it's a different sort of spirit we're dealing with here. But what the heck, say I. If you can control one lot, you can control them all.

I am glad to see Mr Zuma at the forefront of another enlightened initiative. Has he not had his share of spirit harrassment? Troubles over firepools, charges, debts;  targeted by journalists, prosecutors, malicious descendants of said white spirits  - the list of trials and travails is long. And what has he done, as he once asked? Ruled the country with great wisdom, transforming SARS, the security cluster and other important entities. Why, we were on the threshold of Uhuru before he was unceremoniously advised to retire. How we long for the days of no crime, scandal or suffering of any kind. Come back, Mr Zuma, all is forgiven. We'd just need you to attend your corruption trial first - in full. Your diligent daughter, Dudu, seemed to intimate that some Pale Ones (possibly CIA aided and inspired?) are behind the recent tornado carnage - if I understood her intriguing tweets. These spirits must be stopped, sir. You are the man to lead the charge. 

Mr Cele is confronting the challenges of alchohol, tattoo and population growth-fuelled crime. You are dealing with malignant Boer and English spirits. How can we lose?

South Africans, particularly the poor, are ecstatic.

Yours in the struggle against spirits of caucasoid persuasion.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

A Culture Mad

Dear ANC

You are living the we..., I mean, the dream.

Everything that is upstuffable you have stuffed up. Cum laude. It's wearying to list what that is and it would take too long. I'm sure that you yourselves have lost track. One way is to ask what still works in South Africa. Nothing? See what I mean about the list?

No Roman orgy ever lasted this long, nor were so many, er, corporeally ministered to. (Apologies. After my recent suspension, without pay - unlike some of your heroic cadres - by Twitter, one needs to swathe the truth in many layers of fluff).

Yet you survive, grow fatter (if that's possible), and thrive. Many scammers and low-polling political parties worldwide would kill for your secret. It has to be one of the modern wonders of the world. The EFF must be biting their lips in envy, though they're not doing too badly as a sort of distant also-ran.

You were a liberation movement. You have, in recent times, liberated us from commonsense, truth, decency. No need to quote examples. Is there a single prominent member of your movement that is not under a cloud of one kind or another? Serious question and asking for my grandson.

You do, however, have a following as loyal as the crowd who followed the first lemming into blissful oblivion. People are waking up to what your long-running, lavatorial burlesque means for South Africa. Unfortunately, many will vote for you in haste and protest against your greed, incompetence and indifference at leisure. Is not this the tried and trusted South African way? I think that there will be a great awakening one day, when we are fighting one another for the contents of dirt bins, among crumbling statues and ruined smart cities. It will be a tad late.

And of course, democracy allows one to make ruinous choices. When that democracy operates only at the shallowest level, then correcting for those choices is almost impossible. I'm not suggesting that this is the case in South Africa. I'm merely saying it. We are currently, like those participants in the Roman orgies, truly ministered to.

If we had opposition parties just a little more concerned about this country than about ego, power and all the delectable stuff that goes alongside, we'd have a fighting chance. Perhaps this is unfair and unduly negative. I hope so. 

Historians, viewing the smoking, decaying remains of what was once a country of promise, will probably ask the profound, philosophical question;

"What the hell was wrong with these people?

Accurate scholarship can
Unearth the whole offence
From Luther until now
That has driven a culture mad...

(Auden: September 1st, 1939)

Yours in the struggle to find the hope that springs eternal.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Twits

 "Hey, Chief. Got another one. He used the HN word."

"Let's suspend the jerk's account. Got to show 'em who's boss of free speech."

"Not sure I understand what this guy was going on about."

"Don't matter. He used the words, he used the words!"

"Yup, can't have 'em violating our good American free speech / no hate values."

"Keep 'em tame, I say. Next thing you know, they'll be telling the truth on Twitter. Maybe", Crosses himself. "Even lampooning Elon."

"Dios mio. Give him twelve hours. Should have him on his knees. Bet he appeals."

"Got the standard stuff ready. We have reviewed blah, blah, blah..."

"Yep, keep 'em honest,"

Dear Mr Musk and Twitter People 

You suspended my account for the following excerpt from a satirical post:

The Scuffle Continues @ScuffleThe @matthewellis97 @Whistlepigstew @Brettbenraphael @MzansiIndian03 "The judiciary is captured."  "Only when it's  not ruling for your master." "House negro!" "You are supposed to be anti-American but you ape them. Anyway you and your ilk are true house negroes. All you repeat is your massa's kitchen gossip...

("Damn, Bert. He's done it again!"

Sad shake of head. "Some people never learn. Take him out.")

I've seen truly vile, racist rants and even threats on Twitter, oh eagle-eyed ones. Where are you then?

Let me "break it down" for you.

1. This was not directed at anyone in particular. Yes, I should hope that the spread of buckshot did hit a few deserving targets.

2. It's an excerpt - read my lips - from a satirical post. It's a fictional exchange, but as close to the real thing on Twitter as  a tenderpreneur is to his  / her patrons with political power.

3. What's in this excerpt is what we see daily on Twitter. Have you suspended the original authors?

4. Irony of ironies: the piece lampoons the very people who spew out mindless clichès and insults on your hallowed platform.

You remind me of our apartheid era censors.

"Hey, Koos. Found something called Black Beauty by Anna Sewell."

"Jislaaik! That's the kind of communist-inspired filth that will tempt the youth of the Volk to indulge in frenzies of lust and licence....."

"Licentiousness.'

"Wat ook al. Ban it."

Stamp, stamp. 'Banned / Verban.'

"See if you can get me a copy of the video. Got to keep on top of the kind of sewage those commies are pushing out."

"Oh, and see if BOSS can find this Anna Sewell."

Ja, well, no fine.

See you on Twitter, mankers.

Yours in the struggle for horse-manure-free speech.

Richard