Dear Marketers, Hustlers And Others
Can we agree on some rules so that I don't have to dig for long forgotten adjectives whenever I receive your calls or your mails.
Please don't begin any message with the word congratulations unless it's accompanied by a handsome cash deposit. I'm sure someone somewhere is thrilled to know that he or she just might be approved to be a finalist in some obscure competition to win an ant farm or a truckload of toilet paper. It's just not me. I can just picture the scene and some remote Libyan desert village. " Ibrahim, Ibrahim" he calls to his neighbour, excitedly brandishing his cell phone. "I'm a finalist in the South African 'Win A Shi.., sorry, Truckload Of Toilet Paper' competition.
"Wonderful, my friend. Congratulations."
Incidentally, I can be monumentally stupid about some things but I do know that I at least have to enter a competition to have any chance of winning anything. Please, can we just drop that line of hustle. We South Africans can smell a con all the way from a neighbouring state. We've had practice. We've been bulldusted by the best. For years. Mainly in government and politics. We know a flying pig when we see one.
To the guys with very English names and thick Eastern European accents, if your binary trading robot has an 85 percent success rate, what the dickens are you doing in such a crummy job? Making futile phone calls to penniless people like me.Who, in his right mind, would fork out a thousand dollars (US, no less) on the say so of Henry Pendleton, who is clearly from Nizhny Tagil?
I am now terrified of flying. According to emails that I receive with monotonous regularity about 20 gentlemen with my surname have crashed in remote corners of the earth, leaving vast fortunes which I can share in if.... Will I be next? And I don't even have a fortune to leave.
Fellas, let me sum it up. I cannot afford a holiday at your plush, plane- fares-not-included locations. I cannot afford a trading account, latest-does-everything-but-cook cellphone, insurance or membership of your exclusive, mysterious wealth-creation club or whatever other pixie dust you are selling.
Want to make my day? Show me the money. Cut the...
Yours in the fight for economic freedom.
Richard
Wednesday 8 July 2020
Tuesday 7 July 2020
A Beautiful Mind
Dear Mr Shivambu
You once stated that the EFF uses superior logic. I suppose that compared to the stuff that's currently oozing out of the legislature, that's not a stretch.
Of course, it's a little difficult to judge the validity of your statement. So much of your communication has been of the non-verbal, tactile variety. One would have to review the video footage. Was a klap just then a more logical response than a kick? Would a flanking movement have yielded better results than a full frontal attack? Was a high - heeled shoe the most appropriate close-quarters weapon?
While we try to resolve these, let's acknowledge that your commander in chief certainly shows flashes of brilliance in the sphere of mental agility- even gymnast-like dexterity. He was once allegedly willing to kill for Zuma. Later to die for Zuma. I think he omitted the word 'myself '. Who hasn't made that sort of minor slip? Even Neil Armstrong, in the excitement and drama of a similar historic moment, omitted a little indefinite article. Does anyone go on about that? Still, the logic cannot be faulted. Dying does tend to follow killing.
The ruling party could certainly have benefited from your beautiful mind during this crisis. Their logic: shut down cigarette sales and some 11 million smokers will cease and desist. We are not Americans, so a prohibition-era type black market won't develop here. Al Capone is long gone anyway. Some merit in that. I have not bought a pack of those nasties from a shop since (after all, I'm a law-abiding, addicted citizen). Just the odd fag at oil prices. Lost taxes? That's what IMF and BRICS loans are for.
Yours in the love of logic and dialectical materialism.
Richard
You once stated that the EFF uses superior logic. I suppose that compared to the stuff that's currently oozing out of the legislature, that's not a stretch.
Of course, it's a little difficult to judge the validity of your statement. So much of your communication has been of the non-verbal, tactile variety. One would have to review the video footage. Was a klap just then a more logical response than a kick? Would a flanking movement have yielded better results than a full frontal attack? Was a high - heeled shoe the most appropriate close-quarters weapon?
While we try to resolve these, let's acknowledge that your commander in chief certainly shows flashes of brilliance in the sphere of mental agility- even gymnast-like dexterity. He was once allegedly willing to kill for Zuma. Later to die for Zuma. I think he omitted the word 'myself '. Who hasn't made that sort of minor slip? Even Neil Armstrong, in the excitement and drama of a similar historic moment, omitted a little indefinite article. Does anyone go on about that? Still, the logic cannot be faulted. Dying does tend to follow killing.
The ruling party could certainly have benefited from your beautiful mind during this crisis. Their logic: shut down cigarette sales and some 11 million smokers will cease and desist. We are not Americans, so a prohibition-era type black market won't develop here. Al Capone is long gone anyway. Some merit in that. I have not bought a pack of those nasties from a shop since (after all, I'm a law-abiding, addicted citizen). Just the odd fag at oil prices. Lost taxes? That's what IMF and BRICS loans are for.
Yours in the love of logic and dialectical materialism.
Richard
Just Cause
Dear Fellow South Africans
For many years now I've been trying to find ways to make additional income. To keep my creditors, if not happy, at least slightly mollified.
Scammers and dreamers abounded. Network marketers, to the strains of Simply The Best, waxed lyrical about passive income. Months later, I discovered what passive income really meant. A dodo would have been frenetically active by comparison.
I considered alternative business activities but mugging and related disciplines require skills and equipment I don't have. Also an absence of that inconvenient thing called conscience. Mine's elastic but not sufficiently so. I considered an online appeal for research funds. Atypical transient global amnesia wreaks havoc among our politicians and those attending various commissions of inquiry. Alas, people are inordinately suspicious and would cry 'scam'. Can't understand this prevalence of cynicism in our country.
Then a solution hit me like a snotklap from a colourfully clad MP. Lawsuits are trending. R500 000 seems to be the going rate. I think we could push that brown envelope closer to the magical million mark. I think the EFF's legal fund might be a little light. Mr Zuma and the public protector may be in a similar situation. But the president. Now there's a war chest if stories are to be believed. One must be strategic. That's what got me where I am.
I should think any legal eagle worth his or her iodized salt should be able to dig something up over a weekend. Is it not for such an hour that such deliciously broad concepts as 'mental anguish' and 'loss of opportunity' were created? Dear fellow South Africans, I am seeking pro deo (or preferably pro mio) counsel. Rather urgently. We can discuss administrative fees upon successful conclusion.
Yours in the struggle for comp..., er, justice.
Richard
For many years now I've been trying to find ways to make additional income. To keep my creditors, if not happy, at least slightly mollified.
Scammers and dreamers abounded. Network marketers, to the strains of Simply The Best, waxed lyrical about passive income. Months later, I discovered what passive income really meant. A dodo would have been frenetically active by comparison.
I considered alternative business activities but mugging and related disciplines require skills and equipment I don't have. Also an absence of that inconvenient thing called conscience. Mine's elastic but not sufficiently so. I considered an online appeal for research funds. Atypical transient global amnesia wreaks havoc among our politicians and those attending various commissions of inquiry. Alas, people are inordinately suspicious and would cry 'scam'. Can't understand this prevalence of cynicism in our country.
Then a solution hit me like a snotklap from a colourfully clad MP. Lawsuits are trending. R500 000 seems to be the going rate. I think we could push that brown envelope closer to the magical million mark. I think the EFF's legal fund might be a little light. Mr Zuma and the public protector may be in a similar situation. But the president. Now there's a war chest if stories are to be believed. One must be strategic. That's what got me where I am.
I should think any legal eagle worth his or her iodized salt should be able to dig something up over a weekend. Is it not for such an hour that such deliciously broad concepts as 'mental anguish' and 'loss of opportunity' were created? Dear fellow South Africans, I am seeking pro deo (or preferably pro mio) counsel. Rather urgently. We can discuss administrative fees upon successful conclusion.
Yours in the struggle for comp..., er, justice.
Richard
Monday 6 July 2020
Bank Shot
2018
Dear VBS Bank
You are my kind of bank. I've long been seeking a bank with an open-handed, unselfish approach to sharing of product.
You do still have money, don't you? I won't be needing as much as some who reportedly benefited from your generosity. Just a fraction - say three quarters. I'm quite happy to join any political party if that's a requirement - even COPE ( they are still around, aren't they?). I do also have relatives who are members of various parties I'm even willing to start a party if necessary (never was a slouch at partying). Many companies give product samples and it's most encouraging to see you step out of the old rigid banking paradigm into the Brave New World of Commerce.
I am not seeking a handout. Of course, if a handout boosts your BBBEE scores, then who am I to stand in the way of radical economic transformation - or any other transformation? I am willing to be, as others were, a middleman in introducing your services to some heavy hitters. My neighbours, Lawrence and Koos, are top-scoring batsmen for our local cricket team.
After making some purchases to meet basic needs, I would invest the balance in a savings account at your bank. No Lamborghinis or helicopters for me. I am content with a basic Mercedes sports car. Perhaps a week or two in a lower-end five-star establishment in Dubai. I hope that my frugal, thrifty approach meets with your approval. These are difficult times after all. Even the 'don't drink and drive' slogan has become redundant. Who the Dickens can afford both? Apart from some of your stakeholders, that is.
With both Black Friday and Christmas almost upon us the time is opportune (I read that one of your middle people 'asked for a Christmas'). Like Barkis, I am willing. I trust that our partnership will be as fruitful as the orchards of that province where you seem to have done your best work.
Yours in the persistent pursuit of radical economic transformation.
Richard
Dear VBS Bank
You are my kind of bank. I've long been seeking a bank with an open-handed, unselfish approach to sharing of product.
You do still have money, don't you? I won't be needing as much as some who reportedly benefited from your generosity. Just a fraction - say three quarters. I'm quite happy to join any political party if that's a requirement - even COPE ( they are still around, aren't they?). I do also have relatives who are members of various parties I'm even willing to start a party if necessary (never was a slouch at partying). Many companies give product samples and it's most encouraging to see you step out of the old rigid banking paradigm into the Brave New World of Commerce.
I am not seeking a handout. Of course, if a handout boosts your BBBEE scores, then who am I to stand in the way of radical economic transformation - or any other transformation? I am willing to be, as others were, a middleman in introducing your services to some heavy hitters. My neighbours, Lawrence and Koos, are top-scoring batsmen for our local cricket team.
After making some purchases to meet basic needs, I would invest the balance in a savings account at your bank. No Lamborghinis or helicopters for me. I am content with a basic Mercedes sports car. Perhaps a week or two in a lower-end five-star establishment in Dubai. I hope that my frugal, thrifty approach meets with your approval. These are difficult times after all. Even the 'don't drink and drive' slogan has become redundant. Who the Dickens can afford both? Apart from some of your stakeholders, that is.
With both Black Friday and Christmas almost upon us the time is opportune (I read that one of your middle people 'asked for a Christmas'). Like Barkis, I am willing. I trust that our partnership will be as fruitful as the orchards of that province where you seem to have done your best work.
Yours in the persistent pursuit of radical economic transformation.
Richard
Friday 3 July 2020
The Customer Is ..er, King
Dear South African Business
It's month-end. Two adjoining ATMs belonging to one of our banks are out of order. The horrific lockdown - induced queues are worse than ever. The remaining ATM in another part of the mall grinds to a sudden halt at customer number twenty-five. And this is one of our top banks.
I don't know where South African businesses heard the rumour that we just love to queue for hours on end. We are losing productivity. Who knows how much your average councillor turned food parcel retailer could have made in the time wasted in queues? I amused myself with silly questions. Did the bank know that the ATMs were down? When? Do they know how to fix them? And ....?
The customer is clearly not king in South Africa. Not even a distant relative at the court.
In the same mall, I went to spend a penny at a public toilet whose entrance was designed by the architects who did Alcatraz. Two rands actually. Had I known beforehand, I wouldn't have gone in for free. Do our business people attend the same business schools as the government people?
I suspect that we're not that far behind the best when it comes to customer service. Maybe just a quarter of a century. Shouldn't be too much of a stretch. I'm sure those inspired visions and values are in place already - on the walls.
Yours in the arduous quest for the South African equivalent of Nordstrom.
Richard
Thursday 2 July 2020
Taxi Driver
Dear Fellow South Africans
Now that the price of fuel is rapidly eclipsing that of gold and platinum, you may be contemplating using public transport.
I feel duty bound to provide a basic guide to the use of minibus taxis. Now if you thought Robert de Niro was something else in Taxi Driver, wait until you meet our guys. I think Robert did his research right here in Johannesburg. That's where he got his famous line: 'You talkin' to me?' If he had dug deeper, he would have learnt such traditional greetings as 'fuseki' and 'msu... we...a'. I don't know what the latter means but I assume it's a cheery greeting along the lines of 'Have a nice day'. Delivered in a New York accent, it would have spiced up the dialogue considerably.
But, to business! Before you take the front seat in a minibus Taxi, make sure your math is better than that of a former head of state. Or the reputed woodwork scores of a popular politician. You become the taxi bookkeeper, unopposed. On a good day, you are responsible for the fares of sixteen people. On a bad day .... thirty? Heaven help you if the books don't balance.
Try not to tender more than R50 in Taxi fare. Drivers are intensely superstitious about carrying change. You could find yourself alone on a dark Joburg street that looks like something out of the set of Mad Max.
Don't be perturbed if the driver answers your questions with a grunt or two. That's about as communicative as the average Jozi minibus Taxi driver gets. He may be one of those of whom his colleagues say: 'Gumede's a good bloke but he talks too much'.
If you choose the back seat of the taxi, you need to have the slender shape of a sixties model. The back seats of minibus taxis are God's revenge on us for what we do to sardines. Make sure that you empty your pockets of whatever you need before you get wedged in. It's mortifying to be scratching for change and have a lady yell: 'Stop touching my thighs!' Worse if it's a man yelling.
Do make sure that you have something interesting to read or view during the journey. That is, unless you're the sort of masochist who loves watching his life flash before his eyes - several times.
Enjoy the ride.
Richard
Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted
Capitec Bank, South Africa
1378565477
O Tichmann
+27 833970723
Wednesday 1 July 2020
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