Taxi Driver

Dear Fellow South Africans

Now that the price of fuel is rapidly eclipsing that of gold and platinum, you may be contemplating using public transport.

I feel duty bound to provide a basic guide to the use of minibus taxis. Now if you thought Robert de Niro was something else in Taxi Driver, wait until you meet our guys. I think Robert did his research right here in Johannesburg. That's where he got his famous line: 'You talkin' to me?' If he had dug deeper, he would have learnt such traditional greetings as 'fuseki' and 'msu...  we...a'.  I don't know what the latter means but I assume it's a cheery greeting along the lines of 'Have a nice day'.  Delivered in a New York accent, it would have spiced up the dialogue considerably. 

But, to business! Before you take the front seat in a minibus Taxi, make sure your math is better than that of a former head of state. Or the reputed woodwork scores of a popular politician. You become the taxi bookkeeper, unopposed. On a good day, you are responsible for the fares of sixteen people. On a bad day .... thirty? Heaven help you if the books don't balance.

Try not to tender more than R50 in Taxi fare. Drivers are intensely superstitious about carrying change. You could find yourself alone on a dark Joburg street that looks like something out of the set of Mad Max.

Don't be perturbed if the driver answers your questions with a grunt or two. That's about as communicative as the average Jozi minibus Taxi driver gets. He may be one of those of whom his colleagues say: 'Gumede's a good bloke but he talks too much'.

If you choose the back seat of the taxi, you need to have the slender shape of a sixties model. The back seats of minibus taxis are God's revenge on us for what we do to sardines. Make sure that you empty your pockets of whatever you need before you get wedged in. It's mortifying to be scratching for change and have a lady yell: 'Stop touching my thighs!' Worse if it's a man yelling.

Do make sure that you have something interesting to read or view during the journey. That is, unless you're the sort of masochist who loves watching his life flash before his eyes - several times.

Enjoy the ride.

Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

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O Tichmann 

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