Thank you for a marvellous opportunity during this difficult time. I have long wanted to get into the spy game. I am delighted that you have rightly pointed out that it's my responsibility to report people drinking alcohol. Just this morning, I caught my neighbour guzzling a pineapple concoction. Like any conscientious investigator, I had to ensure that my observations were valid. Six glasses later, I had confirmation. I was unable to effect a citzen's arrest at the time, as I was overcome by a strange lethargy.
I have extensive experience. At school, moved by ethical and moral impulse, I used to shop my smoking fellow students. I would confiscate the evidence and, er, dispose of it. I am happy to conduct tests on any suspicious beverages found in the course of my investigations. Also to ensure that the offending substances are properly disposed of.
I am negotiating with the Saxonworld Shebeen for office space. Operating from there, my team will be fully equipped to investigate and report on:
Secret imbibers
Secret smokers
Anyone making negative comments about lockdown regulations
Curfew breakers
Other subversive elements
We are bound to see a dramatic decrease in the serious criminal activity that so bedevils our otherwise happy land. We are driven by patriotism. Can we discuss expense accounts and commissions please.
Yours in the struggle for liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
Richard
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