I am sorely in need of your assistance. You seem to be quite a helpful chap in matters such as the dilemma confronting me.
I have been unable to sleep for a week, tormented by nightmares in which I was deported to Iran. You see, although my parents told me that I was born here and though I have voted several times, i now realise that establishing citizenship is rather more complex than that. I think of the poor fellow who is supposedly registered as a voter, yet the controversy around his citizenship rages on like a long drawn out medieval siege.
My concern is that I cannot say with absolute certainty that I was indeed born in the Rainbow realm. I was rather preoccupied at the time, sucking in lungfuls of air and warding off the unwelcome attentions of sinister persons in green masks and gowns.
One hates to think that one's parents might have lied but I would equally hate to discover that I have to relocate to somewhere like Japan. The only Japanese I know is from karate classes; something like: 'Senseini, arigato bazai mashta'. Roughly translated as: 'Teacher, thank you for beating the living daylights out of me on the pretext of teaching me to defend myself'. I doubt the usefulness of that particular phrase on the Japanese metro. I am sure that you can relate to my anxiety about this matter. Ever since a teacher remarked that I think like an alien, I have been assailed by nagging doubts.
Sir, while you chew on my request, a few lines inspired by Sting's 'Englishman In New York' (What the devil were his parents thinking when they named him?).
Don't fly economy, I fly first class
Take off from an air force base
Got connections in the highest place
Don't you dare get in my face.
See me driving down the avenue
Tender papers in my hand
Take them everywhere I go,
Get that deal, no matter what it takes
Get that deal, no matter what it takes.
I'm an alien, a sort of legal alien,
I'm a tycoon in Saxonworld.
Should you wish to have the entire song (maybe to belt out to the accompanying roar of your blue - light convoy), i can be found at the famous Saxonworld establishment.
Yours in search of citizenship.
Richard
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