Full Disclosure

Dear Fellow South Africans 

I have never met the Guptas. With worms and skeletons tumbling out of woodwork and closets, I wish this to be placed on record.

I strongly recommend that a register be made available in every town and village in South Africa for all citizens, legal and illegal aliens and others to declare any Gupta-related interests. Parents and guardians could declare on behalf of minors. Awaking from a troubled dream this morning, in which Halle Berry and Angelina Jolie fought a deadly duel for my affections, I heeded its hidden message to come clean. I now make a full, frank and fearless declaration.

I did see the Guptas once on SABC news but quickly switched to the BBC.

I once rode past an air force runway but did not stop.

I spent only two nights in Dubai and bumped into only one minister- a Methodist, I think.

I have never been to India, as far as I can remember. The Taj Mahal, yes - but that's a Durban restaurant.

Despite several requests, I was never invited to a Gupta function.

I did partake of several refreshing libations at an establishment in the Saxonworld environs, but it was coincidental that I was in the area, my minibus taxi having broken down.

I did once apply for a vacant ministerial post with a recruitment agency, coincidentally also in Saxonworld. I have not heard from the agency and plan to approach the CCMA.

While I am on a roll, let me also declare that I have never frolicked with a political intern, with or without cigars (instructive though that may have been). I have never eaten sushi off anything but a plate. I did once have a puff of an unusual brand of cigarette at a party but did not inhale. (They were playing my favourite song: Waiting To Exhale).

There, having declared all, my only remaining moral dilemma is whether to back Halle or Angelina tonight. 

Yours in the struggle for truth in our time.

Richard