Cinders: ANC Fairy Tale

From the province of Dr Ace, philosopher, comes this flash of brilliance.

'The ANC’s Free State branch has said that municipalities should intensify their programmes of naming and renaming as a way of speeding up service delivery.'

According to these thinkers, you were wrong, Mr President. There is a magical solution to our troubles. The magic is in the name. Renaming is the fairy godmother who will lift us from the grime of incompetence, indifference, slothfulness and corruption. Into the ball we will sweep, clothed in a shimmering ballgown of service excellence. But we seem to have missed the stroke of midnight and all we are left with are a couple of mice and some thoroughly rotten pumpkins. More correctly, we have swarms of diseased rats.

You need to smoke some incredibly strong, exotic stuff to make such an interstellar leap of logic. Even Durban poison won't do it. 

This story has elements of both a zol-induced fairy tale and Orwell's Nineteen Eighty - Four. 

Just keep calling incompetence, greed and bull..t something else. In South Africa, we have sufficient numbers of thoroughly dumb or gullible people for this to work better than Orwell ever dreamt. 

When reality bites, no problem. We'll find someone to blame it on. Here's a starter list for our Free State comrades. Please add as the spirit moves you:

apartheid, Gordhan, Rupert, Phoenix Indians, DA, WMC and media, counter-revolutionaries, all of the above. I apologize to the many third-force elements and capitalist running dogs that I have omitted.

We'd like to rename your branch but this blog is for family reading.

To quote a little - known Shakespeare line (not William, the other one): 'Manure, by any other name, still smells like s..t'.

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted Capitec Bank, South Africa 1378565477 O Tichmann +27 833970723

Loves To Dance

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

I would have sprung to the defence of Mr Zuma had I not injured my right calf proving some of the points below.

We all know that dancing makes strenuous demands on body and mind. We've seen pictures of the battered feet of ballet dancers. The Mshini dance, though a thing of beauty, punishes the muscles and joints quite severely. Before you nitpicking legal types yell 'calls for speculation', I'll expand. My Defence Of Msholozi (DOM) team and I applied the Mythbusters technique. Testing the dance out on the steps of various courtrooms, we confirmed that the possibility of injury is very real. 

Mr Zuma may also be suffering from the South African politician's scourge , atypical transient global amnesia, 

described in great detail in https://thescuffle.blogspot.com/2020/08/atypical-transient-global-amnesia.html

While ATGA is more a mental  / psychological ailment than a physical one, we also know of the mystic linkages between body, mind, soul and other bits.

I hear you say: "What about the suspicious timing?" Oh, the heart of man is inordinately suspicious. Mr Zuma has been looking forward to his day in court for a very long time. The ever-growing excitement as that day approached, must have taken a toll on his battered frame. It could have exacerbated any of the above conditions.

Give the man a break. 

Then again, a German lecturer made the profound observation that 'all of life is a break' (Das ganze Leben ist eine Pause).

Yours in the struggle for tolerance and understanding.

Richard

Subtle Rugby Racism

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

Stop.

Before you have another sip of Castle in celebration of the Springbok victory over the British Lions. 

We, in the Movement, are not easily moved by such things. Here's a deep, suitably sombre analysis of what really happened. I am sure that the CIC will issue a succinct, lucid, profound statement in due course. While you wait hungrily for the pearls of wisdom, here's my R200 rands worth (inflation). I speak as a staunch supporter of dialectical materialism and superior logic.

First, not one player of Indian descent was in the Springbok squad. I did not actually watch the match but I have friends in Phoenix who did. 

Second, the black players did all the hard work, as usual. Poor Cheslin Kolbe ran himself into a state of exhaustion. A brilliant try is scored. What happens then? A white guy steps up to put the boot in. The classic apartheid approach.

I could go on about the venue. We have a perfectly good ground in my area. We'd just need to move some stones. This would have enabled many of my comrades to attend the match. They don't like rugby but it's all about the principle.

I could also talk about the percentage of black players in the Lions squad. I will take that one up with the British embassy at a future march.

Do not be fooled. The racism is exquisitely subtle. But find it we will.

Yours in the struggle to leave no pebble unturned.

Richard 

Shuffle On

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

Being of a sensitive, tolerant disposition, I have some sympathy or empathy for the president.

It's not as if he had a barr.., I mean, bench of the sort the Springboks have. No doubt, he has some duckers and swervers in the Cheslin Kolbe mode. Some, though, don't seem to know which team they're playing for. Some, which game they're playing. Then there are those who couldn't hold on to the ball if their loo.., sorry, lives depended on it. 

Haven't we all hung onto stuff that we should have disposed of long ago? Hoping against hope that it might prove useful one day. Tough habit to break. I have a set of ANC, no, AMC Classic cookware that just never gets warm. 

I will certainly miss Mr Mboweni. I lived for his lessons on gourmet cooking with garlic and pilchards. He could have taught the comrades a great deal. Mainly that cooking belongs in the kitchen. Cook books and you get burned - or slapped on the wrist. 

One thing we all have to agree on: the president had to reshuffle. What with the pack missing an ace.

I'm relieved that our beaches remain safe under the redoubtable Mr Cele. I've been living in fear of ruthless camera crews and surfers. Now it's only the Great Whites one needs to watch out for. But Mr Malema and others have that in hand. 

The president knows that track record is important. The best one can say, for now: there seem to be tracks and records aplenty, some of the tracks a trifle muddy. 

One does want to be fair (as in impartial, Mr Malema. Not the other..) and give the new ministers space and time. Another 26 years, perhaps? 

Hope, it's been said, springs eternal in the human breast. I don't know. I'm still calling Chuck Norris.

Yours in the struggle to shuffle on.

Richard 

The Thin White Line

 Dear Max du Preez

You referred to tomorrow's clash of the rugby titans as 'just a sports event'. 

Wiping foam from my mouth, I was moved to re-publish this post on a similarly historic clash of days gone by (during the rule of one, Jayzed).

Read, repent and be wise.

The Thin White Line

Saturday, October 28th, 2017

Dear Mr President

In this eleventh hour I write to you to assure you that all loyal supporters stand firmly united, Castles and other ceremonial beverages in hand. I refer, of course to Sharks supporters.

As a keen student of history, steeped in the wisdom of Machiavelli, Vladimir Putin and other luminaries, you are not unaware of the import of today’s clash of the rugby titans. Apart from the east vs west symbolism (haven’t quite worked it out yet but I’m sure it will come to me in a dream), there are deep undercurrents here that could profoundly affect your future.

You yourself said that the DA is probably kept in power by witches and ghosts (words to that effect). Mr President, that’s Halloween. The truth is simpler. We have all seen Invictus, bar the few philistines who fail to appreciate the balletic grace of the game and its startling parallells to life’s struggles and triumphs. Who has not felt unfairly yellow - carded by life’s capricious whistle blower? Have you not been midriff- tackled with the try line beckoning and watched the wretched ball fly uselessly into touch? Mr President, those cunning west coast folk have been using the team in blue to unite the people behind them. Do you not see that only a Sharks victory today will pierce the grapeskin curtain?

Master tactician that you are, I am sure that you despatched  Ms Faith Mutambi to deliver a stirring ‘in this hour of great peril’ speech. I trust that suitably attired and accessoried supporters will be bussed in in large numbers to intimi.., sorry, show support. I am confident that a commission of inquiry stands ready to parachute into action, should the unthinkable happen. Then, Mr President, I am content and shall enjoy my KFC flavoured biltong with peace of mind.

I look forward to seeing you at the match, where we can forget the vexing business of politics for a while. Perhaps discuss the relative merits of vodka and mampoer.

Yours in the quest for a sporting victory.

Richard

Grave News From G.A.T.V.O.L

 The Geopolitical Academy for Tracking Viruses Occurring Locally (G.A.T.V.O.L.) brought you the discovery of the Ank and F viruses in South Africa.

Our motto is 'We dig deeper' and we now bring grave news. Our research reveals that both variants can cause significant  damage in a little-known area of the brain. Scientific name: the conscientia et humanitate lobes. Often called 'skaam cells' by laymen. Indeed, this area may cease  functioning altogether with prolonged infection. 

The CeH lobes are largely responsible for our ablity to differentiate right from wrong, truth from manure etc. To put it succinctly, this is what restrains the average human being from mugging pensioners.

We advise the public to socially distance from:

Infected public figures,

Deposits of horse manure (interestingly, often found in close proximity to each other)

A complex psychological assessment is used to diagnose and identify. If subjects cannot distinguish between such concepts as 'thuggery', 'protest', 'politics', 'buffoonery' and others, there is cause for concern.

When we asked our scientists about treatment, the most common response was 'Eish'. 

However, in other countries, a long (and preferably, permanent) sabbatical has worked wonders.

From Russia With Love

 

Written during the glorious reign of Jayzed 

Wednesday, October 25th, 2017

Dear Mr Putin Zdravstvujtye

I want you to know that we South Africans love Russians. We often have them with chips for lunch.

Now that it seems you will be playing a prominent part in our lives, it seemed merely polite to learn a phrase or two in your language. Love the informal version of ‘How are you?’ - ‘Kak dyela’. I think there’s going to be a lot of that going around now that you are making your macho presence felt. The greeting, I mean.

How good it is (to quote Marvin Gaye) to see the leader of a great country show concern for us and our power challenges. Rumour has it that your concern stretched to giving us sage council on our latest cabinet composition. I’m not sure whether you worked with the innovative recruitment agency in Saxonworld. At any rate, you have been both prime minister and president for so many years that I’m sure you can spot pupp…sorry. talented people a mile off.

Clearly, since you took an iron grip on the helm of the ship Mother Russia, things are going so swimmingly that you now have time to assist Donald and our own JZ. I imagine that you can boast that there’s a chicken Kiev in every pot in the motherland. To those South Africans fussing about your alleged interference (I call it glasnost), I quote from my comment to Donald: what you get out of cabinet reshuffles depends on what you Putin.

One of Tom Clancy’s books features a Russian gang called the Seven Strong Men. The three of you makes for a good start (not that I’m suggesting that you are a gang - heaven forbid). It’s a pity that Donald offended that nice North Korean fellow by threatening to rain down hellfire or something. He may mangle the language but he doesn’t mince words, our Donald. Incidentally, it was most instructive to follow the witty, eloquent exchange as the other fellow called Donald a lunatic. Ah, the subtle cut and thrust of diplomacy on the global stage. Could have taught Obama a thing or two. Our own chaps have elevated this to a fine art, of course, calling one another dogs, rats and  other symbolic names on one memorable occasion. We occasionally climax these fine debates with what Mad Magazine called non - verbal, sensory interchanges (the Afrikaans acronym is M.O.E.R.). I think you will fit right in with our skop, skiet, donner and snotklap political milieu.

We do look forward to benefitting from your expertise and experience in matters nuclear. Does the vodka still glow in the dark in the regions around Chernobyl?

Just on a more personal note, I’ve heard that you are an active, sporting man. I understand that Russian roulette combines the thrills and suspense of the most exciting sports on the planet.

Yours in the quest for glasnost, perestroika and caviar.

Richard