The Oddfathers

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

Do not miss a single episode of The Oddfathers.

This enthralling series is reminiscent of The Godfather, yet with a strong local flavour.  It follows the fortunes of the once powerful Ancetti family, struggling, and mostly failing, to prop up ailing, crumbling family businesses.  The rival Effigiano and Danatto families are an ever-present  threat.  

The real drama, though, comes from the brutal, bloody battles within, tearing the once close family apart. 

Character development gives this series a gritty, realistic feel. No-one is left unmarked by the savage, soul-destroying wars within the family. The old Don, Big Jake, becomes a mumbling (a la Brando), bumbling, plotting shadow, deserted by allies and friends. Dodo, his devoted daughter, fights fiercely for him, but has not appeared in the last few episodes. Has she been written out of the series?

'Two Ton' Tony, the debonair capo, once known as Mr Integrity, is looking increasingly bloated, dissipated and embittered.  'On The Money' Manny, former consiglieri, whines, whinges and bleats in ever-decreasing volume. 

Then there's 'Princess' Linda, who left to make her fortune on stage and screen. Once a dazzling beauty, now a somewhat faded star,  she returns to take a more significant role in the family business. Plunged into the midst of the savage battle for control of the family, she supplies some gripping, if shrill drama.

Ace (nickname from wartime flying days) Magolini, a once powerful capo, fond of stylish shades and  a mover and shaker in the lucrative agricultural and construction  businesses, shrinks to a shadow of his former self.  The star of newly appointed consiglieri, Ronaldo Lamolini, in contrast, is on the rise.

The older, retired dons, crirical of the new ways, make surprising, dramatic cameo appearances.

Of course, the series really revolves around the enigmatic Don Cyrus. In the latest episode, he survives an assassination attempt at a family meeting. But the knives are still out.

The action-packed series has subtle, darkly humourous moments. In one such, family members gang up on the Don, accusing him of moving in on the thriving furniture business behind the family's back. The rich irony is that most, if not all of his accusers, have cupboards full of smallanyana and biganyana skeletons (in the parlance of the family).

Will Don Cyrus survive? Will the family slide into oblivion, as they dance on like doomed, overfed Titanic passengers?

Does anyone give a damn?

Don't miss the next episode. You can catch snippets on the national broadcaster's special slot dedicated to the series. Rumour has it that a version dubbed into isiZulu will be titled 'imiGodoyi'.

Yours in the struggle to support local drama.

Richard 

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The People Shall Party

 Dear Mr Malema 

The White Monopoly Controlled media have been at it again with lurid headlines about cash, condoms, expensive liquor and the people's CIC. They have no skaam cells.

Even if any of this is true, what's the  point of leading a party if one can't party from time to time?  Even that degenerate neo-colonialist Boris Whatisname knew that. How much more does not a principled party of the underprivileged deserve to kick back, and knock back a few 20 year old scotches while discussing  dialectical materialism? And chuckling drunkenl..., sorry, merrily at the Afriforum jokes. Why should the Brits and the ANC have all the fun?  After all you're not the ACDP, sipping guava juice and making small talk. You are red blooded revolutionaries of whom Chè would have been proud. Indeed, he would be bursting with pride.

Marching on dark dens of counter-revolution, schools and old age homes is thirsty work. What do people expect a world-renowned CIC to drink - chibuku?  I can see the headlines from the same sensation seeking news media - 'Malema Chugs Chibuku'.  Imagine the humiliation of having a smug BBC presenter pronounce that 'Mr Maleema was said to have downed several cartons of Cheebookoo at a party for the party'.

No, the champion of the poor deserves far better. Rank and revolutionary struggle have their privileges. 

Much has been made of the condoms. People should keep their minds off the seamy side. Their smutty imaginations probably conjured  up visions  of arms and legs waving in the air, underwear strewn around, pants, moans, groans, grunts, yelps, loins....., I think you get the idea. Do they not know that condoms have many uses beyond the obvious? Finger warmers, soft thimbles, cute mini-balloons, are but a few. I've heard that the lubricant is good for arthritis.

At any rate, you are supposed to have once said that a revolutionary is a walking, killing machine. I think that modesty restrained you from saying  'walking, killing, lovemaking machine'.

As for the cash, well, the sofas need pumping up, don't they?

Sir, I would investigate  the leaking of this information  (or depraved, debauched ramblings of the decadent WMC puppets)  as rigorously as you scrutinize racist shampoo advertisements. I can tell you now that evidence of white tendencies and DA and CIA involvement are a very real possibility. Bloody agents abound.

Yours in the struggle for work / life balance and good, clean fun.

Richard 

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The Struggle For Honest Business Practices Continues

 This disturbing report from Pretoria News;:

"Driving school owners protest against traffic officials increasing bribes from R1700 to R2000".

I am dismayed. That's a fifteen percent hike!  Bread, eggs, petrol, now bribes. How can anyone make an honest living under these conditions?

We know that the war in the Ukraine has affected prices everywhere but this is ridiculous. A five percent hike, one might understand. I'm not saying that I would approve. I'm against price hikes on principle. What value add would I, the driving school owner, receive for the five percent increase? Faster processing of licenses? A working card machine?

I suspected that horrific price increases were in the offing. A friend told me that, on his commutes, the going rate has always been one KFC drumstick. Now they are demanding two. Sometimes a wing as well. He refused to elaborate on who "they" were.  

I find this to be scandalous profiteering. I appeal to the president to intervene. Perhaps Mr Fixit, negotiator par excellence, could assist. A commission of inquiry would be a logical starting point. The usual factors should be considered: area pay rates, labour market conditions, collective bargaining, government legislation and cost of living. Let us adopt our usual rational, lawful approach -  alles in ordnung, like the Germans.   

Mediation could follow. Arbitration if necessary. A body should be set up to regulate the movement of, er, facilitation fees. 

I am all for free market principles but consumers also need to be protected. Public Protector, please take note - when other pressing matters allow. 

Yours in the struggle for fair, honest business practices.

Richard

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Provincial Government Move Their Asses

The North West community safety department has spent R780 000 on 20 donkey carts.

The department said in a statement on Sunday the carts were purchased to alleviate challenges faced by rural communities.

From a news report 

Dear Fellow South Africans 

We South Africans are, in general, an ungrateful, cynical lot. Provincial government officials are moving their asses. And do we applaud them?  No, cynicism, mockery and sarcasm descend like lotto scandals.

So these are not exactly bullet trains, but one has to start somewhere. At least we are way ahead of those slow thinkers at the COP27 summit. We have implemented an environmentally friendly solution. The odd hoof print but no carbon footprint. Fresh dung to top up our considerable national reserves. No noise pollution. Just the gentle braying of asses, to which we have become accustomed in this country. These beasts can double as a quiet, eco-friendly lawnmower.

There is an exquisite symbolism in all this. Citizens, sitting on asses, led by asses. It is a pity that the Democrats in the US have already adopted the donkey as their party mascot symbol. 

Like our politicians, let us take a calm, rational approach. There are advantages.

The pothole menace becomes a thing of the past. People in the North West need to keep an eye out for assholes instead.  I don't know how big a problem they are in the North West. I can only speak for KZN. 

The carts come in two (R32 500) and four-seater versions (R45 500), says the report.  Similar to the Range Rovers favoured by some politicians? That's cheap at current tender rates. (Is someone sleeping on the job?).  About the same as a really low-end used car. Who would want that when you can have a brand, spanking, new, top-of-the range donkey cart to ride the range with? And they come, apparently, with a three year maintenance plan. I'm not sure whether that applies to both donkey and cart or cart only. I'm considering raising my hand.

One can but say to those involved: "Viva! Up your...., Sorry, up with your asses!"

Yours in the struggle for environmentally friendly, smart solutions and in the 'Asses For The Masses' Movement.

Richard

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The Minister Didn't Really Say That?

 Once in  every few decades, like a meteor blazing across the night skies, a truly great intellect illuminates our dark world. 

In South Africa, we have been richly blessed. 

Mr Zuma turned the world of numbers inside out. He did the same for geography, theology and logic. Dr Ace, philosopher, made his mark in many fields of endeavour (oratory, but one). Mr Mantashe discovered hazenile, which powered Wakanda - or something. Ms Sisulu, of robust constitution, transported medicine by something akin to teleportation, I think. Hlaudi (there can be only one), eliminated violence from the news, taught doctors, almost captured the Guptas and did deeds of renown too numerous to mention here. Mr Cele, like Alexander the Great, severed the Gordian knot of crime with one stroke. Follow the tattoos.

I wish that I could 'number them all in the song'. But we live in a land where such riches lie heaped upon the ground, like gems scattered carelessly by a generous Creator.

I find it very difficult to believe that Ms Motshekga really said this:

"Taking mathematics, science and English out of our curriculum would really help boost our pass rate."

If she did, then a meteor is born.

Dr Google was not helpful in my efforts to verify the content of the tweet above. We do know that fake news is the bastard issue of orgies involving the likes of George Soros, bloody agents, Jan Van Riebeeck  and other enemies of the revolution.

There is a certain logic to this idea. Take engines out of cars and planes and it will help boost our safety records. Take the grey matter out of the heads of various politicians (like a soft-boiled egg from the shell) and that will....wait, there could be challenges.

I was inspired to offer up the following prayer (what with it being Sunday):

"Lord, Your ways are mysterious beyond our reasoning of them. What have we done to deserve this cornucopia of creativity, this torrential rain of dizzying invention, this lightning storm of intellectual  brilliance?  We are a humble people. Lest we become vain and puffed up, please, Lord, take it away from our midst. P.S. I am still at the Durban address."

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To Fell A Country

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

Forget what your deceitful history teachers told you. 

Here is a brief insight into what really caused the fall of the  Roman empire.

"Speak, Celsius Bhekus! Wherefore art thou  pale and shaking as a leaf in Winter rages?"

"Great Caesar, my legionnaires grow weary and dispirited. Barbarians and bandits roam the countryside. They grow bolder by the hour."

"Fear not, oh Celsius, for they shall taste  the Empire's wrath. Call me a task team made of mighty men. We shall deliberate for days until this pestilence be past."

"As you command, Great Caesar," hand flopping against his belly in the imperial salute.

"Now, Fixus Umbilicus, what troubles you?"

"Oh, Caesar, our once mighty roads, culverts and bridges are fallen into ruin. The charioteers heed not our laws. They clash together with the noise of thunder in the heavens."

"Fixus, have I not commanded think tanks and commissions for this great task? 'Ere yet this decade fades into the next, all will be well. But Fixus, wherefore weepest thou?"

"Oh, mighty Caesar, am I not Italian? But tears of relief and joy these be." 

Caesar draws himself to his full height.

"Let me have men about me that are still. Tight lippèd men and such as secrets keep. Yond Jacobus hath a full-lipped, fertile mouth. He speaks too much. Such men are dangerous." 

(These original lines were shamelessly cannibalized by one, William Shakespeare).

Enter Celsius, in haste.

"Ah, Celsius, art thou returned so soon? And muttering like one possessed. Thy sweat-stained brow speaketh of troubles new and fears fresh."

"Caesar, we are undone. Barbarian hordes are e'en this instant at the gates."

"What seek they?"

"The usual, sire. Looting, rape and pillaging."

"Ah, then thank I the Roman gods. I feared for an instant t'was a presser that they sought. Here, good Celsius, refresh thyself with wine from Southern Africa. T'is a good year. Et tu Fixus?"

And that, fellow South Africans, is what really happened. 

Yours in the struggle against revisionism.

Richard

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Ms Mkhwebane And KFC

 Dear Fellow South Africans 

Like you, I am horrified at allegations and revelations spilling out of the "Public Protector Inquiry".

To whit: "Her bodyguards were poisoned she claimed but it turns out they ate too much KFC!" This from a tweet. 

This is the kind of conspiracy theory that will destroy this great country. There is no such thing as too much KFC. See the excerpt below from a report of not so long ago

"Premier Sylvia Lucas's office on Sunday defended the use of her government credit card to purchase over R50 000 on fast food during her first 10 weeks in office."

I am sure that, with MS Lucas being a politician of substance and a person of wisdom; discretion and discernment, KFC would have made up a significant proportion of the fast-food purchases. After all, she dispensed this nugget of nutritional wisdom

"We need Powerade for the energy, you know," she was quoted as saying.

It is widely known that KFC has the same beneficial effect. To what else can one attribute the sterling performance of our law enforcement officers and politicians?

This deep-fried Southern delicacy played a role in a revolutionary prison reform experiment. Another excerpt from not so long ago:

"Gauteng Community Safety MEC, Sizakele Nkosi-Malobane, has defended her decision to spend more than R60,000 of taxpayers’ money treating prisoners to a KFC meal, after pictures of her handing out the food went viral on social media, according to a report by The Star.

Despite many commenters pointing that ordinary, innocent South Africans could not afford the luxury of fast food, Nkosi-Malobane said that the decision was made due to cost factors and to remind prisoners of the benefits of the outside world."

I can see convicted rapists and murderers falling to their knees in repentance at the first explosion of  eleven-secret-herbs-and-spices flavour in their mouths.  I see them turning to charitable works and lives of selfless service.

This gem from Ms Lucas:

"How would we have eaten if we didn't use taxpayers' money?"

Now that deserves a place on a plaque on every ANC wall. And as an epitaph on the tombstone of the Great Liberation Movement.

Spokesperson for the premier’s office Monwabisi Nkompela said Lucas’s spending was “not excessive” and was “totally blown out of proportion”.

Large amounts of KFC can blow things out of proportion, as the many beach-ball shaped stomachs attest.

I am sorely disappointed that the panel did not shine a laser light  on the KFC conspiracy. Yes, yes, there were intriguing e-mails, interesting  cash disbursements, unusual public relations initiatives and other delightful matters to spend many jolly hours on. Still, it's a matter of priorities. When will we wake up to the truth that this country runs on KFC? (Also vegetarian curries, for a while, some say). As long as we ensure that there is a deep-fried, deeply spiced chicken in every pot, all will be well.

We are what we eat. 

I have not been paid in kind by KFC for this article. Therein lies another travesty of justice.

Yours in the struggle for justice and the odd drumstick.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

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O Tichmann 

+27 833970723