Welcome Home, Mr President

 Dear Mr Ramaphosa

It's good to have you back. Not really, but I suppose it's the thing to say.

Those dreadful Poles were so petty and bureaucratic, were they not? What the heck, we have thousands of investors coming over, or under, from neighbouring countries. And do we make a fuss? Leave alone photocopied documents, most have no documents at all. I know that caring and entrepreneurial Home Affairs people often fix that in innovative ways. And apparently their fees are quite competitive. (Juan Carlos de Lobo Alvarez, Mexican BCF - border crossing facilitator - assures me that this is so). 

Do we harrass the Bushiris and other miracle workers for documentary proof of their air-walking skills and other miraculous abilities? How would the Zama Zamas from Lesotho be able to conduct  business if we nagged them about licences for their AK47s? I've heard that we are also quite easygoing with alternative pharmacists from Nigeria and elsewhere. And are we not happy? Are we not free? Are some of us not still alive? Those Poles could learn a lot from us. Perhaps on your next trip (with original documents)......

I understand that you came under some comradely fire in Ukraine. I'm sure that Mr Putin told his chaps to aim high. Anyway, if the unthinkable had happened, let me comfort you with this: we would have replaced you in the twinkling of an eye. 

Well, sir, I suppose it's back to the critical business of think tanks, task groups and commissions, with time between for frog-boiling sessions.

I should think that Mr Cele is also home from his Chinese shopp...., I mean, benchmarking  / fact-finding tour. Apart from a fresh appreciation for sweet and sour pork, what does he bring us? (At least he'd have had  no trouble there with pork orders from the kitchen). I know how frugal you ANC blokes are, how mindful of using taxpayers' hard-earned contributions wisely. I expect that the trip was worth every cent and we'll be rounding up zamas, corruption - soaked politicians, contractor mafia thugs, Eastern European criminals, homegrown thieves and rogues, like a Texas cattle  drive on the move. The citizens are under fire daily (comradely and other) and gatvol is the mildest of euphemisms for their state of mind. Mr Cele needs to earn his pork. Has the minister of electricity also been to China? Please tell us that he'll be staying.

To you, sir, Mr Cele and the whole jolly gang, 2024 approacheth. Why not go out with a bang? Surprise us.

Yours in the struggle for peace abroad and at home.

Richard 

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O Tichmann 

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Between Truth And Lies

 Wow, the truth does get skopped, skieted and donnered when we put on one of our spectaculars! The Peace In Our Time initiative being our first international performance.

An ignorant person might think that the questions and answers are straightforward. No fool, life's not like that. Especially not in South Africa, land of smallanyana skeletons and  bigganyana firepools, currency storage couches and tender mysteries.

Did we stuff up the paperwork for passengers, siege arsenal and flights to Poland? Well, one first needs to factor in the racism and white supremacy quotients in order to solve for x. Things are not that simple in Blunderland. 

Did the Russians fire missiles into Kyiv or not? That depends on how you define 'fire', 'missiles' and 'Russians'. Besides, from a widely accepted, philosophical perspective: if a missile falls and one does not see it fall, did it really fall?

Did the South African Air Force warn the president's men and women about the need for proper documentation? Depends on how you define 'documentation'. If so, was the warning ignored? Depends...

Were there additional shoppers, holidaymakers, rubberneckers on the not-so-magical, mystery tour? We'll treat that question with the contempt it deserves. Mxm, sies, voetsek!

Does one  need to fly over Hungary,  from Poland, to get to St Petersburg? It all depends on how you hold the map. Also on one's views on the legitimacy of claims made on airspace by neo-colonialists.

Is it true that this entire immigration and customs imbroglio was actually a satanic scheme to keep South African journalists from reporting faithfully and accurately on the war in Ukraine? As they did on the decuplets, the SARS rogue unit and many South African mysteries. After all,  who would you trust more: a biased, bought, embedded CNN, BBC or Al Jazeera journalist or our own jagged-toothed newshounds? Have we not brought into the cold light of day the hidden deeds of murderous politicians, Eskom scoundrels, VBS looters and villains of every hue? 

How much did this jolly jaunt cost the taxpayer? A typically white - tendencied question that rides roughshod over the lived experience of the oppressed of the world. Particularly those of African origin.

Is it possible that a journalist or two could get to the soiled bottom of this sorry saga? Maybe, let us, who are not SABC political commentators, EFF gurus, Twitter mystics or sangomas,  know the simple truth? Wait, that might spoil the fun. Do you think journalism is for people who can't work their way around a simple riddle or two?

Bugger off, peasant.

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Poles Apart

Dear Mister President

I share your pain with the same intensity that I often wish to share some of the stuff that you and the comrades enjoy courtesy of generous tax payers. 

I refer to your recent adventures in Poland.

One can but dimly imagine the shock to Your Excellent Self. Of course,  had you heeded my advice in the first place and taken me along, all of this could have been avoided. I have worked with Polish people in various places and made some Polish friends. Over good Polish food, vodka and bad Polish jokes I gained a keen insight into the Polish mind. (You may have heard the one about Lech Walesa.  It also involves airplanes but that's for another time).

It would not be a gross exaggeration to say that I am an expert on matters Polish. Even more so than Mr Mpofu is an expert on law and your new ministerial chappie on electricity and corruption. Nevertheless,  although I told you so, let us not dwell on what might have been. 

I experienced similar frustration at the Botswana border post, when I was turned back over a trifling matter of 100 cartons of cheap cigarettes. Those were for my personal use, but as you have seen,  bureaucrats can be so petty.  Of course I did not have 13 crates of firearms in my car. Just a Makarov, lent to me by a comrade, for self-defence in the dangerous environs of Gaborone.  

One of your security people reportedly said that the Poles had placed your life in danger.  Sir; I believe that taking along a scaled-down force of some 100 special forces personnel places your life in danger.  Why did you not have more? I understand that some parts of Europe are almost as dangerous as Johannesburg. I do begin to understand why some of our comrades are so against  the West and NATO.  I see, as clearly as Dudu often does, the aggressive, warmongering attitude of these people.

Our Russian comrades would never have treated you in such churlish fashion. Locked you all up or shot you, yes, but never such disrespectful behaviour.

I think that you must Institute a commission of inquiry into this debacle,  immediately on your return. Some retired judges, school principles and Eskom executives should participate. I am willing to serve, having had that extensive experience at the Botswana border. I also think that the attitude of the Poles and the Italians (who would not even let you fly over their miserable  country) needs to be thoroughly investigated.  It would not at all surprise me if apartheid, racism and white privilege were discovered to be the vile ingredients at the murky bottom of this sinister stew.

Sir, I do not mean to bang on ad nauseam, but my presence in your party would have made a major difference. I have experience and expertise in such important matters of international diplomacy as which vodkas go with red meat and which with fish. The Ukrainian language, as spoken by Mr Zelensky,  sounds rather like the growling of someone who has imbibed several draughts of a particularly strong beverage. I would have no trouble with interpreting,  as I have performed similar duties at our local bar. I also have strong sign language skills, having closely studied the fellow who did such an excellent job at the Mandela memorial function.

One more suggestion.  With that number of well armed special forces people, why not make a stop in Lesotho on your return? You could settle the vexing  business of Lesotho claims on parts of our land. 

Now that would be a truly worthwhile peace mission.

Yours in the struggle for peaceful, diplomatic solutions.

Richard 

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The Candidates

 Dear fellow South Africans

I am at a loss as to who to vote for in 2024. 

Please advise me as to where each party stands on the following critical issues:

1. Which party has the best braais in terms of both quality and quantity? I am heartily sick of boring pap and cabbage stew.  Does the EFF really have a revolutionary new marinade?

2.  In your opinion, which party's T-shirt would look best on a male of medium height running slightly too fat?  I am easy-going about colours and designs but do prefer cotton.

 3. Which party usually plays the best music to bop along to?  I draw the line at rap and sakkie-sakkie,  but my tastes are otherwise quite eclectic. 

4. Which party is most likely to increase the R350 monthly grant? I am at the point where I would like to scale up my ice cream business. Perhaps even franchise the Cold Comfort brand. 

5.  With regard to etiquette,  I am aware that 'Amaaandla' is the polite response at ANC, EFF and some other rallies.  What does one yell out at DA rallies?  And what about other parties? I received some less than friendly looks when I tried to follow the crowd at a rally and shouted 'hoer, hoer'. These things are critically important. I narrowly escaped a beating at an ANC rally wben I erroneously yelled out, in the enthusiasm of the moment: 'Amaaanga'.

6. I have heard that some parties are keen to bring back apartheid.  Are you aware of parties keen to bring back common sense, some order and some decency?  

7.  I know that many ANC candidates employ a suicide-inducing drone in their campaign speeches. I expect from EFF candidates a Bushiri-flavoured frenzy with an entertaining line in insults. What I'd like to know is which party is best for a good chuckle and a roar or two. It's been ages since I had a good belly laugh,  what with Eskom gnawing into my regular diet of SABC news,  interviews and political commentary.  

How could I ever forget, for instance, some of the political commentators? One pointed out tbat the ANC had trashed the country like a rock band on booze and hard drugs (my words). The punch line was tbat South Africa has no alternative. What! 'The sheep have no alternatives to the wolves and the hyenas. Close your eyes and think of Luthuli House'. I suspect that the SABC plucked that political commentator off a passing  circus train. 

I  did enjoy a chuckle or two at some of the outlandish promises made it past rallies but I'm looking for the real article. 

For me, Mr Malema is the coming man. I saw a video in which he told a French journalist that there are no tensions in South Africa and to stop dreaming and imagining things. I don't know how old the video is, but it's obviously from a time of bliss in South Africa, which I unfortunately missed - perhaps Mr Zuma's golden reign. Boy, he tells those journalists!  Remember that impudent British journalist with rubbish in his pants, which Mr Malema immediately spotted and told him to 'Go out, bastard. Bloody agent!'  ("Rubbish is what you have covered in that trouser").  There's no bloody agent (or small boy with white tendencies) getting by our Julius. He takes things by the scrotum. So presidential. So scrotal.

I trust that I have covered the key issues and challenges that we face as a fragmented nation. In an attempt to be inclusive,  I have also considered the needs of illegal immigrants.

I look forward to your wise, objective counsel. 

Yours in the struggle to vote wisely and responsibly.

 Richard

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Read My Lips: We Are Neutral

 Dear Mister President. 

I read somewhere that you plan to send envoys to various countries to explain our neutral stance on Russia and Ukraine. 

Sir, I am keen to put my considerable talent for  bullsh...., I mean,  for diplomacy, at the service of the beloved land.  I have a dear friend in Texas.  I watch the news on TV France regularly.  I once worked with people from London.  I often watch the Finnish comedian, Ismo.  As you can see, I have the contacts and background that mark me suitable for international diplomacy.  Modesty forbids that I claim to be an expert on the countries mentioned but it is as good a description as any.   I can confidently say that I am as qualified as most of your cabinet ministers.  With respect, more so than many.  I would never, for example, let a national transport network fall into ruin, seriously contemplate spending massive sums of taxpayers' money on statues or use my head for carrying Russian medicine instead of critical matters of state.  I select these examples at random from an article I read in African Leadership Today.

I am undaunted by the stern (even superhuman) sacrifices demanded by first class flights, rich cuisine and foreign shopping. My country, 'tis of thee....

Should you not select me, then I must point out that this entire junket is actually a massive waste of public funds.   Anyone who cares to examine  our words and actions can clearly see that our neutrality makes Switzerland look jaundiced and aggressive.  One might say, in fact, that we are the very model of neutrality. 

Yes,  so some of our military people  attended a cocktail  evening  with the Russian ambassador on the very day that Russia invaded, sorry, interacted with, Ukraine.  Other ANC members attended a function at the Russian embassy in Cape Town.  Well, did Neville Chamberlain not down a schnapps or two  with the Fùhrer in a similar situation?  Did he not return with the joyous news of 'Peace in our Time'?   I am absolutely sure that our  people intended returning with similar happy news after a few shots of Stolichnaya.

Much was made of our joint military manoeuvres with Russia.  Also of the fact that one of our defence chappies spent some time in Russia, apparently for  some sharing of ideas.  Now to you Americans  Brits and other NATO types,  please understand that there is nothing sinister or untoward in such wisdom- sharing visits.  We know that Lesotho,  our neighbour, has cast covetous glances at some regions in our country.  We need to be able to defend ourselves against the horrendous threat of invasion by a small,  landlocked country, with a vast fleet of highly mobile mountain ponies.  We are therefore grateful to the comrades in Mother Russia for their wisdom and experience.  Incidentally,  I don't really care if Lesotho  takes pieces of the Free State or Gauteng.  It can't be much worse than what some comrade-politicians have already done.  Should they,  however,  try to make a move on KZN, I shall be, in the eloquent phrasing of one of our poets,  sorely  pissed.  I will defend my banana trees to the death.

But back to the matter of our patent neutrality.  Again, much was made of the presence of a Russian ship at one of our naval bases.  Surely this is not the first time that a Russian ship spends time at a foreign naval base in the dead of night.  I should think that that's probably a Russian thing.  Our defence minister clearly explained that we loaded fokol on the Russian ship.  To prove our good faith, bona fides and other stuff, we would be happy to load fokol on your ships as well.  Even at night should you so desire.  We have an inexhaustible supply of fokol and our government is extraordinarily generous in dispensing the stuff.  Ask our citizens and they will gladly attest to the truth of that statement.

I believe that I have comprehensively made the case for our indisputable  neutrality.  We could not be more neutral if we were a little Island in the Pacific wholly  focused on collecting bird guano.

Yours in the struggle for world peace,  neutrality and other useful stuff. 

Richard.

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Thanks, Shoprite. Home Affairs?

Dear Shoprite. 

It's rare in South Africa that a service provider actually listens to the customer. Rarer still when action is taken.

Following on our previous friendly discussion about aching knees in the pension queue, and the possible abduction of cashiers by aliens,  this morning was a pleasant surprise. You made a change to the process and it made all the difference. Queues moved quickly. Replenishing of cash at the tills was quick and seamless. Great stuff. 

See,  Home Affairs and every other government department!  It can be done. You can change processes without being struck by lightning.You will not be summoned to a Zondo Commission or something if you improve your processes. I know that you admire the Soviet bread queue model and change can be difficult. If your slogan is that the bum is mightier than the brain, that too can be adjusted.

Home Affairs made a half-hearted attempt with their online system. It worked about as effectively as a pre-loved Lada Niva. It is noteworthy that, of all the government departments, only SARS, the money collectors, have an efficient online system. No gravy, no train, as the Roman senator, Corruptus Omnibus famously said, before being  beheaded for the Roman equivalent of racketeering.  It is strange, Honourable Ones, that you would drive by these ubiquitous queues  time and time again, in your blue light convoys, and think that this is normal. Not only normal but perfectly acceptable. Perhaps even fun. Perhaps particularly for the elderly, who can play the 'how long will my knees hold out this time' game before they pass out. To most state, provincial and city departments,  I should think that you have been told before that your service is crap in any language. In the event that you haven't, here it is: your service is crap, amasimba, Scheisse, merde. For those offended by the choice of nouns: faeces.

You cannot possibly be proud of serving crap to the people of South Africa. That applies to everyone from minister to the staff at the interface. I don't know how often you have been told that you are a bloody disgrace. Well here goes once again. You are a bloody disgrace. there is unfortunately no nice, euphemistic way to put this. Your so-called service to the country sucks, stinks and is aptly described by another  s-word. Of course all of this is like trying to have a conversation with an extremely thick brick wall. 

To Shoprite, please continue the good work. We were served this morning by a brisk, cheery young woman. You might tell some of the other staff that it's ok not to move and look as if they've just come from a week's stay in a morgue.

To the state service providers, muck you.  Muck you very much. 

Yours in the struggle for respect for the customer and a little bit of bloody decency.

Richard 

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

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O Tichmann 

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An Injury To One

Dear EFF Leadership

I found the report below most disconcerting. Also  disturbing. 

"The Economic Freedom Fighters has fired a councilor in the Makana Local Municipality in Makhanda for moonlighting as a cleaner at Rhodes University. | @MaliDayimani"

It's not as if the lady had a tender for bridges in Limpopo or something. I choose that example at random. Who can survive in South Africa today without a side hustle? Even Mr Zuma, rumour has it, had a few of those on the go.

 I know that this is a tender subject,  but word is that most politicians have a side hustle of sorts.  Some apparently extremely profitable. I myself have been trying to snag a tender or two for bridges in Limpopo, which apparently were not built on the first tender.

Apart from that, this is a wonderful example of a councillor actually getting her hands dirty. I would have thought that that's what those smart overalls that you guys wear are for.

I believe that this was a symbolic act of great significance.  All about service delivery and the importance of education.  We know that the EFF is the party of highly educated comrades (hence the superior logic that drops from time to time 'like the gentle rain from heaven'). Who can forget Dr  Ndlozi's profound comment on the burning of the parliamentary building:

 "Whatever the cause! Whatever the intentions: IT IS A BEAUTIFUL FIRE" 

No Oxford don ever spoke more eloquently or more meaningfully.  We are blessed  by the quality of our politicians.

Of course, there is also the symbolism of clean  government, which is what every right-thinking person expects when Mr Malema and minio...sorry, managing team grasp the ring. Clean, singing, dancing, chanting government, dispensing justice, land and pithy quotes on dialectical (and other forms of) materialism. One imagines that investors will stream over our borders in ways creative and the more conventional fence crawling approach. Rubbing their weary eyes in joyous disbelief as they behold the EFF - created socialist paradise, in which each person shall possess Gucci apparel and a  Breitling timepiece. One can almost hear the celestial singing of angels as the Pan-African brotherhood of man comes to be in the New South Africa. Hang on, I'm not sure whether the comrades have any truck with angels. Perhaps the singing of demons, then.

The lady should have been rewarded and / or promoted,  not fired. You should learn from the ANC, who readily reward entrepreneurship  and enterprise.  As part of the EFF leadership I imagine that her speeches would have been peppered with examples of capitalist man's inhumanity to man in the work environment. She could have discoursed at length on the hardships that the working class has to endure while plump academics reap the real rewards.

I trust that you will speedily rectify this grossly unfair labour practice. Failing that,  expect a march on your revolutionary premises led by yours truly. I will be clad in overalls and wearing a red beret in honour of the, (in my view),injured party. We will be proceeding from the premise that an injury to one is a snotklap to all. Talking of klaps, I have been told that your responses are sometimes,  in the words of Mad Magazine, of the non-verbal, sensory variety. Let me make it clear that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. I am not necessarily alluding  to a Brackenfell type bollocking  of any persons, but merely indicating that we will respond to provocations . I believe that this is also your philosophy. 

I recall that one of your great leaders warned shopkeepers not to provoke marchers  by having their doors open and leaving assorted goodies on provocative display. Your disciplined ground forces could not then be held responsible for deeds done in the throes of gnawing hunger and righteous anger. So impressed was I by this speech, reminiscent of Shakespeare's 'God for Harry, England and Saint George,' that I yelled out an involuntary 'Hallelujah'.

Yours in the struggle for economic freedom through side - hustles.

 Richard

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