Poles Apart

Dear Mister President

I share your pain with the same intensity that I often wish to share some of the stuff that you and the comrades enjoy courtesy of generous tax payers. 

I refer to your recent adventures in Poland.

One can but dimly imagine the shock to Your Excellent Self. Of course,  had you heeded my advice in the first place and taken me along, all of this could have been avoided. I have worked with Polish people in various places and made some Polish friends. Over good Polish food, vodka and bad Polish jokes I gained a keen insight into the Polish mind. (You may have heard the one about Lech Walesa.  It also involves airplanes but that's for another time).

It would not be a gross exaggeration to say that I am an expert on matters Polish. Even more so than Mr Mpofu is an expert on law and your new ministerial chappie on electricity and corruption. Nevertheless,  although I told you so, let us not dwell on what might have been. 

I experienced similar frustration at the Botswana border post, when I was turned back over a trifling matter of 100 cartons of cheap cigarettes. Those were for my personal use, but as you have seen,  bureaucrats can be so petty.  Of course I did not have 13 crates of firearms in my car. Just a Makarov, lent to me by a comrade, for self-defence in the dangerous environs of Gaborone.  

One of your security people reportedly said that the Poles had placed your life in danger.  Sir; I believe that taking along a scaled-down force of some 100 special forces personnel places your life in danger.  Why did you not have more? I understand that some parts of Europe are almost as dangerous as Johannesburg. I do begin to understand why some of our comrades are so against  the West and NATO.  I see, as clearly as Dudu often does, the aggressive, warmongering attitude of these people.

Our Russian comrades would never have treated you in such churlish fashion. Locked you all up or shot you, yes, but never such disrespectful behaviour.

I think that you must Institute a commission of inquiry into this debacle,  immediately on your return. Some retired judges, school principles and Eskom executives should participate. I am willing to serve, having had that extensive experience at the Botswana border. I also think that the attitude of the Poles and the Italians (who would not even let you fly over their miserable  country) needs to be thoroughly investigated.  It would not at all surprise me if apartheid, racism and white privilege were discovered to be the vile ingredients at the murky bottom of this sinister stew.

Sir, I do not mean to bang on ad nauseam, but my presence in your party would have made a major difference. I have experience and expertise in such important matters of international diplomacy as which vodkas go with red meat and which with fish. The Ukrainian language, as spoken by Mr Zelensky,  sounds rather like the growling of someone who has imbibed several draughts of a particularly strong beverage. I would have no trouble with interpreting,  as I have performed similar duties at our local bar. I also have strong sign language skills, having closely studied the fellow who did such an excellent job at the Mandela memorial function.

One more suggestion.  With that number of well armed special forces people, why not make a stop in Lesotho on your return? You could settle the vexing  business of Lesotho claims on parts of our land. 

Now that would be a truly worthwhile peace mission.

Yours in the struggle for peaceful, diplomatic solutions.

Richard 

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

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