The Candidates

 Dear fellow South Africans

I am at a loss as to who to vote for in 2024. 

Please advise me as to where each party stands on the following critical issues:

1. Which party has the best braais in terms of both quality and quantity? I am heartily sick of boring pap and cabbage stew.  Does the EFF really have a revolutionary new marinade?

2.  In your opinion, which party's T-shirt would look best on a male of medium height running slightly too fat?  I am easy-going about colours and designs but do prefer cotton.

 3. Which party usually plays the best music to bop along to?  I draw the line at rap and sakkie-sakkie,  but my tastes are otherwise quite eclectic. 

4. Which party is most likely to increase the R350 monthly grant? I am at the point where I would like to scale up my ice cream business. Perhaps even franchise the Cold Comfort brand. 

5.  With regard to etiquette,  I am aware that 'Amaaandla' is the polite response at ANC, EFF and some other rallies.  What does one yell out at DA rallies?  And what about other parties? I received some less than friendly looks when I tried to follow the crowd at a rally and shouted 'hoer, hoer'. These things are critically important. I narrowly escaped a beating at an ANC rally wben I erroneously yelled out, in the enthusiasm of the moment: 'Amaaanga'.

6. I have heard that some parties are keen to bring back apartheid.  Are you aware of parties keen to bring back common sense, some order and some decency?  

7.  I know that many ANC candidates employ a suicide-inducing drone in their campaign speeches. I expect from EFF candidates a Bushiri-flavoured frenzy with an entertaining line in insults. What I'd like to know is which party is best for a good chuckle and a roar or two. It's been ages since I had a good belly laugh,  what with Eskom gnawing into my regular diet of SABC news,  interviews and political commentary.  

How could I ever forget, for instance, some of the political commentators? One pointed out tbat the ANC had trashed the country like a rock band on booze and hard drugs (my words). The punch line was tbat South Africa has no alternative. What! 'The sheep have no alternatives to the wolves and the hyenas. Close your eyes and think of Luthuli House'. I suspect that the SABC plucked that political commentator off a passing  circus train. 

I  did enjoy a chuckle or two at some of the outlandish promises made it past rallies but I'm looking for the real article. 

For me, Mr Malema is the coming man. I saw a video in which he told a French journalist that there are no tensions in South Africa and to stop dreaming and imagining things. I don't know how old the video is, but it's obviously from a time of bliss in South Africa, which I unfortunately missed - perhaps Mr Zuma's golden reign. Boy, he tells those journalists!  Remember that impudent British journalist with rubbish in his pants, which Mr Malema immediately spotted and told him to 'Go out, bastard. Bloody agent!'  ("Rubbish is what you have covered in that trouser").  There's no bloody agent (or small boy with white tendencies) getting by our Julius. He takes things by the scrotum. So presidential. So scrotal.

I trust that I have covered the key issues and challenges that we face as a fragmented nation. In an attempt to be inclusive,  I have also considered the needs of illegal immigrants.

I look forward to your wise, objective counsel. 

Yours in the struggle to vote wisely and responsibly.

 Richard

Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted 

Capitec Bank, South Africa  

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O Tichmann 

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