Dear Mister President.
I read somewhere that you plan to send envoys to various countries to explain our neutral stance on Russia and Ukraine.
Sir, I am keen to put my considerable talent for bullsh...., I mean, for diplomacy, at the service of the beloved land. I have a dear friend in Texas. I watch the news on TV France regularly. I once worked with people from London. I often watch the Finnish comedian, Ismo. As you can see, I have the contacts and background that mark me suitable for international diplomacy. Modesty forbids that I claim to be an expert on the countries mentioned but it is as good a description as any. I can confidently say that I am as qualified as most of your cabinet ministers. With respect, more so than many. I would never, for example, let a national transport network fall into ruin, seriously contemplate spending massive sums of taxpayers' money on statues or use my head for carrying Russian medicine instead of critical matters of state. I select these examples at random from an article I read in African Leadership Today.
I am undaunted by the stern (even superhuman) sacrifices demanded by first class flights, rich cuisine and foreign shopping. My country, 'tis of thee....
Should you not select me, then I must point out that this entire junket is actually a massive waste of public funds. Anyone who cares to examine our words and actions can clearly see that our neutrality makes Switzerland look jaundiced and aggressive. One might say, in fact, that we are the very model of neutrality.
Yes, so some of our military people attended a cocktail evening with the Russian ambassador on the very day that Russia invaded, sorry, interacted with, Ukraine. Other ANC members attended a function at the Russian embassy in Cape Town. Well, did Neville Chamberlain not down a schnapps or two with the Fùhrer in a similar situation? Did he not return with the joyous news of 'Peace in our Time'? I am absolutely sure that our people intended returning with similar happy news after a few shots of Stolichnaya.
Much was made of our joint military manoeuvres with Russia. Also of the fact that one of our defence chappies spent some time in Russia, apparently for some sharing of ideas. Now to you Americans Brits and other NATO types, please understand that there is nothing sinister or untoward in such wisdom- sharing visits. We know that Lesotho, our neighbour, has cast covetous glances at some regions in our country. We need to be able to defend ourselves against the horrendous threat of invasion by a small, landlocked country, with a vast fleet of highly mobile mountain ponies. We are therefore grateful to the comrades in Mother Russia for their wisdom and experience. Incidentally, I don't really care if Lesotho takes pieces of the Free State or Gauteng. It can't be much worse than what some comrade-politicians have already done. Should they, however, try to make a move on KZN, I shall be, in the eloquent phrasing of one of our poets, sorely pissed. I will defend my banana trees to the death.
But back to the matter of our patent neutrality. Again, much was made of the presence of a Russian ship at one of our naval bases. Surely this is not the first time that a Russian ship spends time at a foreign naval base in the dead of night. I should think that that's probably a Russian thing. Our defence minister clearly explained that we loaded fokol on the Russian ship. To prove our good faith, bona fides and other stuff, we would be happy to load fokol on your ships as well. Even at night should you so desire. We have an inexhaustible supply of fokol and our government is extraordinarily generous in dispensing the stuff. Ask our citizens and they will gladly attest to the truth of that statement.
I believe that I have comprehensively made the case for our indisputable neutrality. We could not be more neutral if we were a little Island in the Pacific wholly focused on collecting bird guano.
Yours in the struggle for world peace, neutrality and other useful stuff.
Richard.
Tips for the blogger gratefully accepted
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