Oddfellas
Tuesday, October 31st, 2017Dear Mr President
You’ve done it again. We would be insane not to grab this moment and start filming Oddfellas immediately. What a story, what a cast of characters! The headiest mix of the best of Goodfellas, The Godfather and All The President’s Men. I see you blowing Marlon Brando away as a sauve don with a trademark giggle that many actors will imitate for years to come.
Great picture on the front page of The Sunday Times. It would make the perfect movie poster. Nice touch there - the hand on heart, the suit and the shades. All the enigma and cool of a Sicilian movie-don. Don Zuma has quite a ring to it, don’t you think?
You seem intent on going out, not just with a bang but with a spectacular fireworks display. To call you a man of surprises would be like calling Ali a middling boxer. The bard could have said of you: ‘Age has not withered him nor custom staled his infinite variety.’ You are truly deserving of the title ‘Msholozi, Man Of Mystery’. All that you need is a superhero cape..oh, sorry, the DA has the cape.
You have friends in high, low and subterranean places. You introduced mixed martial arts and cage fighting into the house. Your rugby - style cabinet substitutions will probably become standard practice in all democracies. Now you unveil a cast of friends straight out of Goodfellas. Like David Miller of the Proteas, you have hit a succession of sixes. What’s next on your bucket list?
Incidentally, there was an allegation that the other Zuma received support from purveyors of dirty cigarettes. I did buy a pack once that had gravy stains on it. I hope they were gravy stains. Mr President, some of my best friends also inhabit a parallel universe, where the law is concerned. They are not as philanthropic as yours are said to be. Best I did was the odd beer at the Saxonworld Shebeen. If the claims are true, you could buy the shebeen many times over with the friendship gifts to you and yours. You could teach networkers about networking.
Enough of this small talk, Mr P. Let’s draw up that movie deal for Oddfellas and buff up our Oscar acceptance speeches.
Yours in the quest for great South African films.
Richard
How The West Won
Sunday, October 29th, 2017
Dear Mr President
You lost an opportunity to dent the confidence of the DA yesterday when the Sharks lost by the narrowest of margins (about 11 trifling points). I notice that some newspapers still call the other team Western Province, which proves my point that the DA have an Invictus - type project going to unite those wine farmers behind them. Though I am a good sport, I will be drinking only Namaqualand wines from now on.
I suppose we should congratulate that other team on achieving the narrowest of victories. I wish them a wonderful victory parade in driving rain. Feels good to be gracious in defeat.
Mr President, I still think that a commission of inquiry is called for, just to ensure that all was above board. As you well know, in sport, as in politics, things may not always be as they seem. For example, we thought for a long time that you were a real president, only to discover that your genius lies in the realm of mass entertainment. I suggest the following questions for all match officials and groundsmen:
Do you have relatives, friends or distant acquaintances in the Western Cape?Have you been up Table Mountain and who paid?
Have you ever mistreated a banana?
I have several other penetrating questions and will mail them soon. One cannot be too careful. Talking of penetration, the other team did attack very well indeed with ball in hand. (Thought I’d use that phrase beloved of sportscasters, though I don’t see where else the ball would be - it’s not soccer). You might consider that Carr chap for your Christmas cabinet reshuffle. He twisted and turned his way past the excellent Sharks defence with the adroitness of a seasoned politician. No- one would ever be able to, for example, pin Saxonworld associations on him.
Well, Mr President, after a good final, it’s back to the boring business of dodg.., sorry, critical nuclear deals, inquiries and fending off the unwelcome attentions of the likes of Mmusi (now flushed with victory) and the irrepressible Julius.
I wish you interesting times.
Yours in the love of sport and sportsmanship.
Richard
Out Of Africa. Being the diary of one Herbert Nosworthy, explorer, discovered by Richard J Mann while exploring hitherto undiscovered regions of the Germiston library
Saturday, October 21st, 2017The Party Rock Anthem.
Wednesday, October 18th, 2017The Empire Strikes Back
Wednesday, October 4th, 2017
Dear Mr Mantashe
Just five minutes ago a hysterical headline screamed out that the ANC may be in a civil war. Please confirm whether this is merely what Donald termed fake news or whether we should start raiding Shoprite for canned goods. Can we expect a South African version of North versus South, with the clatter of chairs replacing the thunder of cannons? On that note, may I suggest the use of plastic or bolted - down chairs for future meetings. Perhaps we should extend that to plastic crockery and cutlery as a safety precaution.
Personally, I believe that this is a typical exaggeration by the white monopoly capital - controlled media. It’s when people start throwing tables that one ought to be concerned. Mr Mantashe, I believe that various elements have hatched a nefarious plot to discredit your organisation. Oh, knavery! Let us not forget that KZN was the last outpost of the British Empire and our British friends have a sentimental attachment to former colonies. I would therefore look for the involvement of MI5, MI6 and any other alphanumeric combinations those cunning islanders may have dreamed up. Our intelligence services have a superb track record of unearthing similar plots. I would put them to work immediately, or at least after lunch. To those who cry ‘paranoid ramblings’, two words: Bell Pottinger. Did not their Italian -made loafers walk on England’s green and pleasant land? I am not suggesting that they are behind the skullduggery but merely pointing out what tangled webs may be woven by that ‘nation of shopkeepers’. Lest I be accused of being xenophobic, let me point out that some of my best friends are British. Tony can confirm that. I also agree with the poet Ogden Nash that the British are sweet and always land on their own or someone else’s feet.
As for the Eastern Cape, we know how easily they are influenced. Political correctness and sensitivity constrain me from elaborating further than to allude to a historical incident involving large numbers of livestock.
Mr Mantashe, the pattern is clear. KZN to Eastern Cape…The Western Cape is next and with its easygoing, wine - sipping approach to life, will be easy prey for those manipulative scoundrels. I suggest a pre-emptive expedition to that fair province. I am willing to join you, as I have insights to contribute. Any humble five star hotel will do as a base of operations. I read a news article which made reference to creative use of a large intelligence fund. My modest expenses should not pose a problem, as I am sure that one more million will not be sorely missed.
Mr Mantashe, one other nagging concern is that your party is beginning to resemble both the EFF and the DA with their exuberant approach to the conduct of meetings and their use of litigation. This will not do. We need diversity. Please do let me have an itinerary soon as I will need to arrange for leave from my day job.
Yours in the struggle against recycled colonialism.
Richard
Just five minutes ago a hysterical headline screamed out that the ANC may be in a civil war. Please confirm whether this is merely what Donald termed fake news or whether we should start raiding Shoprite for canned goods. Can we expect a South African version of North versus South, with the clatter of chairs replacing the thunder of cannons? On that note, may I suggest the use of plastic or bolted - down chairs for future meetings. Perhaps we should extend that to plastic crockery and cutlery as a safety precaution.
Personally, I believe that this is a typical exaggeration by the white monopoly capital - controlled media. It’s when people start throwing tables that one ought to be concerned. Mr Mantashe, I believe that various elements have hatched a nefarious plot to discredit your organisation. Oh, knavery! Let us not forget that KZN was the last outpost of the British Empire and our British friends have a sentimental attachment to former colonies. I would therefore look for the involvement of MI5, MI6 and any other alphanumeric combinations those cunning islanders may have dreamed up. Our intelligence services have a superb track record of unearthing similar plots. I would put them to work immediately, or at least after lunch. To those who cry ‘paranoid ramblings’, two words: Bell Pottinger. Did not their Italian -made loafers walk on England’s green and pleasant land? I am not suggesting that they are behind the skullduggery but merely pointing out what tangled webs may be woven by that ‘nation of shopkeepers’. Lest I be accused of being xenophobic, let me point out that some of my best friends are British. Tony can confirm that. I also agree with the poet Ogden Nash that the British are sweet and always land on their own or someone else’s feet.
As for the Eastern Cape, we know how easily they are influenced. Political correctness and sensitivity constrain me from elaborating further than to allude to a historical incident involving large numbers of livestock.
Mr Mantashe, the pattern is clear. KZN to Eastern Cape…The Western Cape is next and with its easygoing, wine - sipping approach to life, will be easy prey for those manipulative scoundrels. I suggest a pre-emptive expedition to that fair province. I am willing to join you, as I have insights to contribute. Any humble five star hotel will do as a base of operations. I read a news article which made reference to creative use of a large intelligence fund. My modest expenses should not pose a problem, as I am sure that one more million will not be sorely missed.
Mr Mantashe, one other nagging concern is that your party is beginning to resemble both the EFF and the DA with their exuberant approach to the conduct of meetings and their use of litigation. This will not do. We need diversity. Please do let me have an itinerary soon as I will need to arrange for leave from my day job.
Yours in the struggle against recycled colonialism.
Richard