Confessions of a Colonial Clerk

Dear Aunt Betty 

 

 I am in desperate need of your advice.  I have endured such scorn and abuse as is usually reserved for those who suggest that Mr Zuma so much as glanced sideways at dirty money.

The thing is: I don't know why. You see, I penned a perfectly harmless tweet and signed it 'Colonial Clerk'. I am indeed a clerk in an Eastern Cape municipality. As some of us still call the Eastern Cape 'eKoloni' (the Colony), I thought this a mildly witty effort. An avalanche of vitriol descended on me from supporters of the ANC, EFF and a dozen other abbreviated organisations. I had no idea that clerical work was so despised. Some accused me of being in league with the Oppressors. 

So depressed was I by the negativity and naked hatred that I began seeing a psychiatrist. We have been dating now for six months. That is going well except for when she frequently asks: "How does that make you feel?" The other problem still remains. I still get angry and sarcastic questions about Johan Rupert

(whom I have never met), the CIA and my 'handlers'. I thought that being in the company of such well-known people as Redi Tlabi, Thuli Madonsela and Phumlani Majozi might help, but despair weighs me down like a smallanyana, but weighty, skeleton in the cupboard.

Should I resign my position or request a name change to my job title? That seems to have worked very well for various cities and streets on South Africa. Many of them are still impoverished and filthy but there's something about a new name. Like wearing one's new Christmas clothes for a day, before getting back into one's grubby shorts and party t-shirt.

Perhaps I should join the new Mkhonto party. It seems to have given Mr Zuma a new lease on life. I am already a card-carrying EFF member (aside from my Pick 'n Pay and Shoprite cards). I feel that it is time for change, as my psychiatrist friend keeps reminding me. Perhaps being in a party that scores above ten percent in by-elections will revive my flagging spirits. Don't get me wrong. I thoroughly enjoy singing jolly songs about killing people, while marching on an assortment of despicable organisations. I just have a hunch that this new party may well represent the noblest, purest aspirations of our people.

Aunt Betty, I treasure your advice as Mr Ramaphosa treasures ANC unity, love and peace. And the preservation of their good name and reputation for competence and integrity. I hope to hear from you soon. I'll listen on the radio, loadshedding permitting.

Yours in the struggle for restored respectability.

Richard 

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Tymebank , South Africa  

51090259373

O Tichmann 

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Delusions and Hallucinations

The input that I get from assorted learned people on X gives me great hope for South Africa. 

The sparkling repartee, the cool,  thoughtful comment -  I grow with each encounter.  A gentleman once suggested that I f&%k myself.  Intriguing though the proposal was from a perspective of scientific enquiry, I declined. My counter-proposal was that he perform the action on himself, as he was unlikely to experience any other intimacy, given his quaint attitude  and limited communication skills.

Someone kindly advised me that I was delusional, after I quoted some of Mr Zuma's more interesting utterances. I carefully noted that for discussion with my analyst at our next session. Now I could have sworn that Mr Zuma did indeed make those utterances. But I suppose that's the nature of delusion. Who knows where it may lead? 

Admittedly, some.. sorry, many,  of the utterances and delightful shenanigans of Mr Zuma and  comrades are so bizarre that they may well be the product of severe delusion. 

More recently I was advised that I am hallucinating. This followed some comment on some of Malema's  intriguing statements and actions. Now to go from delusion to hallucination has to be a serious matter. I suppose that I ought to be concerned.

I noted that input as well and brought forward my meeting with my analyst Dr von Schollenhofen von Eltern unter den Tannenbàmen. We will have, I imagine, much to discuss and I am grateful to the aforementioned Twitterati  for their concern for my mental and emotional health. And for their diagnoses. It's difficult in South Africa and one can use all the help one gets. They have also  saved me a few thousand rands in psychoanalysis.  Like Blanche in A Streetcar Named Desire,  I have come to rely on the kindness of strangers. 

Of course, these exchanges do lead one down a rabbit warren of Alice-like proportions (she of Wonderland). Could it be that these exchanges on X were themselves but the offspring of delusion and hallucination. If I responded with 'gaan krap in die mielies', would the phantoms of my fevered imagination respond? How would I know where reality ends and fantasy begins? Or vice-versa? 

What if Mr Zuma and Mr Malema are themselves but the stuff of delusion and hallucination joined in unholy matrimony?  Their surreal adventures suggest such a possibility. A book on their exploits would be rejected out of hand by any publisher worthy of the name. Also by readers. Even if nestled between Star Trek and the Harry Potter books. What would destroy suspension of disbelief would be the notion that people in South Africa actually took them seriously.

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Seeing The Light

Dear Mr Zuma

My heartfelt thanks for your wisdom and guidance.  I was on the verge of making a terrible mistake at the polling station. 

I understand that you said that a vote for the ANC is a vote for WMC.  Now, I mistakenly thought that a vote for the DA was a vote for WMC.  Ah,  but now I see it clearly. A vote for The DA is a vote for apartheid.  Thank you for making that clear distinction. It would be a terrible thing to think that one had made one's mark for WMC only to find later that it was actually a vote for apartheid. Or vice -versa.  I wish that these political parties would make it as clear as to what we are actually voting for. 

Following the advice of Dr Ace I have managed to steer clear, to date, of voting for proxies for such sinister organizations as the CIA, who apparently also control the ANC.  For all that I know, I may well have unwittingly voted for George Soros and several other shadowy parties over the years. There is so much that we don't know. So many plots and conspiracies, so little time. For example, a plot against Mr Mashatile was recently brought to light. By Mr Mashatile.  Thanks to such Eskom-like shafts of light into the  new dusk of South African politics, we are not ignorant of the dangerous world we inhabit. Thank goodness,  Mr Zuma that you have come out of your corner for another round. 

This is the kind of clarity and transparency that we have lacked in South African politics since your reluctant retirement.  My sole request  is that you now unmask the kingmakers behind all South African political parties.  I have heard, for example, unsettling   rumours that a vote for the EFF is a vote for foreign powers. Names such as Gucci and Dolce & Gabbana have been tossed around.  So stressed was I by the revelation, that I had to buy a pack of cheap cigarettes from my local spazza in order to calm down.  

Word is that you have teamed up  with passionate supporters of pan-africanism and the cause of RET. I have heard the name Liebenburg thrown around. I understand that he is a poster boy for the struggle against racism.  Apparently he was heard expounding on his enlightened philosophy in a leaked tape.  It's important to have allies with similar values as oneself. Particularly those who will not be swayed by materialistic temptations.

You reportedly said that you would die an ANC member. But you will not vote for the ANC. That does make perfect sense. After all voting and dying are two different things. Though, in South Africa, the connection can be close.

 I would also like to know whether you have now made a theological leap of change of direction. Will the ANC still  rule until the Lord returns or do you have a new revelation on this matter? Perhaps revealed to you in a troubled dream during your brief period of martyrdom in the prison in Escort. A sort of Joseph experience.  I know that having been ordained as a pastor, you are very much in touch with the spiritual realm.

Well sir, having listened to your gooseflesh-raising comeback speech, I now await with patience the further revelations that you will be blessing us with. Just as I have been waiting many a long year for the beans that you promised to spill, some time ago.

You did mention that you have been suffering from a cough or some other throat problem.  This is a concern. I suspect that this is what has kept you from attending various court hearings and other appointments. I was once troubled by a similar ailment that kept me from writing several math tests. I recommend daily doses of a heated buchu brandy,  ginger, lemon and honey mixture. Should that not do the trick, a large dose of castor oil, perhaps. It may not clear the throat but does wonders for a clogged digestive system. Beans can do that.

Yours in the struggle for truth, transparency and a seat at the groaning supper table.

Richard.

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Tymebank , South Africa  

51090259373

O Tichmann 

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Quality

Dear Fellow South Africans 

I agree with Mr Ramaphosa's view that we should stop bad-mouthing our country. In fact, he took the words out of my mouth as adroitly as SARS takes the bread out of my mouth. And corruption takes the peanut butter and jam.

Of course, he did not say that we should stop bad-mouthing the ANC. So here goes! Just joking.

South Africans do go on far too much about incidents of so called corruption. For example, there was a huge outcry about the R280 000 Eskom brooms, the slightly cheaper mops, quality knee-pads and flourescent lights. (Of course, one needs good knee-pads to perform the traditional obesiance to assorted politicians and SOE celebrities).

The point, dear countrymen, is that it is not all about quantity. Japan rose on a wave of quality improvement. And so do we. It is silly and absurd to assume that a R280 000 broom is for sweeping floors only. Clearly this particular broom doubles as a means of transportation. No Eskom executive need ever be late for a meeting or a bonus negotiation session.

Someone complained on X about a culvert that supposedly cost R22 million to build. It looks like a pretty straightforward job and it's none too pretty. But then, these things can be deceptive. Who knows but that there's an exquisite, subtle, artistic tribute here to Hamas tunnel and culvert workmanship elsewhere. What with our being on such comradely terms. 

It's possible that the cost has been falsified to discredit the ANC. A project of that sort is surely worth about R40 million at current BBBEE tender rates. Here's the kicker. There are allegations that the cement was not even taken out of the cement bags. The full bags were instead stacked and used like bricks. Now, steady on here chaps. Don't let bitterness and cynicism blind you to our marvellous technical advances and achievements. Have you not seen or used 'cook-in-the-bag' food products. I think that the same principle has been applied to our cement. A leap of creativity and innovation. This is a moerse Vorsprung durch Technik.

So, there you are Mr Alfred and your fellow cynics. Just as Mr Ramaphosa urged us to look at the brighter side of loadshedding (paradox though that is), so I urge you to celebrate our advances and achievements. Give credit where credit is due (of course, cash in brown envelopes and black plastic bags is preferable).

I remind you all that, to this day, only in a South African hospital can you swop dowdy hospital gowns for trendy skinny jeans. If that isn't Vorsprung, then I don't know what is.

Yours in the struggle for quality.

Richard 

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Tymebank , South Africa  

51090259373

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Oh Capitec, My Capitec

Dear Capitec 

Like many other pensioners, I was thrilled at the recent whopping increase of R10 on my state pension. I suspect that many tears of joy were shed countrywide.

I think that the parliamentarians, having received their own little increase, were then moved with compassion for senior citizens. What would we do without this government?

Like many other pensioners, I am constantly on the lookout for opportunities to supplement the generous government grant. I found an outfit online that paid for reviews. They paid promptly. 

My joy at this discovery was short-lived. I woke one morning, ready for another fruitful day, only to find my Capitec account studded with zeros. Three phone calls later, I was told that there had been a complaint against the company. It was designated a scam / Ponzi scheme and all accounts had been stopped. Now,  it would have been useful to have been told this upfront. I know that guessing is more fun,  but I would have thought that being number one implies excellent service, which in turn implies excellent communication. But then again, I suppose I have some outdated ideas. This is, after all, South Africa. 

The service model pioneered by our government and enthusiastically emulated by many businesses is the famous 'Bugger The Customer' model. Following the advice of your Fraud Department, I had an affidavit drawn up at the local police station. This I took to your branch and the person who attended to me assured me that it had been loaded onto your, no doubt, magnificent system. 

I was told that there would be a five-day wait while the matter was looked into. Five days came and went. I ate bread and drank water, surprisingly nutritious. (Okay, that was a slight exaggeration - I had coffee too). 

I was at your branch this morning, where a gentleman, who seemed to be rather low on energy, assisted me. Well it is Monday and 'assisted' is probably an exaggeration. You have no doubt heard of the nine wasted years. We seem to have had five wasted days. It seemed to me that the gentleman had to start the entire matter from scratch, as if nothing had happened before. Whatever good humour I had,  evaporated. Strange that. I can't imagine why. 

When he told me that he could not find the affidavit, I became slightly perturbed. On the rare occasions that that happens, I tend to make much use of the letter 'f'. This was one such occasion. I then advised the gentleman that I would be writing an article highlighting the unique approach to service at Capitec. He seemed quite unmoved. 

I did receive a message from Capitec later. I could track my enquiry by following some simple steps. It would have been useful to know this the first time round. At any rate, I followed the steps. They led to a dark, dead end. I will say this for you: when you piss people off, you go all the way. No half-measures there. South African excellence in action.

I should know by now that courtesy and service, as in government, are reserved for those with connections, money and power. I really have to do something about these absurd ideas that roll around in my head concerning respect for all and similar foolishness. As mentioned before,  if you are number one, one can't wait to meet numbers two, three etc.

Yours in the struggle to find ever-elusive  courtesy, respect,service. 

Richard.

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

Scum

I thought that some of our politicians were the lowest form of life, until I came across the story below. 

Incidentally, I tried to find the most polite way to describe our corrupt bottom-feeders. Then I realized that this is the most polite way.

To the story. A friend is battling along on the state pension that was raised recently by a jaw-dropping ten rands. (Some pensioners wept with gratitude). 

My friend is an indefatigable battler and is constantly looking for online and other work. He was contacted on Whatsapp for online work, doing reviews. It sounded innocent enough.

"Is this legitimate", he asked, which is akin to asking many of our politicians if they lie or have 'smallanyana skeletons' in their spacious cupboards.

A few reviews later, my friend had a few rands in his account. Then he was asked to pay an amount into an account, order a specific item from a 'mall' and receive his money back plus a commission.  This twist made him uneasy but thousands of fellow workers seemed quite relaxed. He followed instructions and was paid.

Quite optimistic now, he looked at his bank account the next morning to be met by an array of zeroes. His account was frozen. Three calls later, the bank told him that the company was suspected to be a scam / Ponzi scheme. Their fraud department advised him to take an affidavit to the nearest branch outlining how he had come to work for the company.

Now if Capitec, number one bank in SA, couldn't be bothered to contact a customer up front but simply shut his account down as if he were a criminal, then one wonders what service is like at banks number two, three and so on. But service comes at a price in South Africa. Status, connections, money - without those, you are but a peasant in the eyes of many businesses and government services. Forget the flowery values statements. There is proof enough of the pudding in our encounters. 

My friend contacted the business and told them what had happened.

"Did you do something illegal?" asked the so-called assistant in an inspired burst of mingled irony and chutzpah.

"How can it be a scam if you were paid?" she asked later. 

Many South African politicians could answer that quite easily.

Like our so-called leaders, these so-called companies scam thousands of needy and desperate people. As if it were not enough that they are in a soul-destroying struggle to live. 

It takes a special kind of soullessness and ruthlessness on the part of both these members of this special Whatsapp group.

Some details for you, should you be contacted and tempted;

Initial Whatsapp contact: +1 (607) 453-8288

'Name': Sophia

'Mall': Luckyshopapp.com

Supposedly working for Google

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723

.

Fighters

 Dear EFF Leadership 

I was delighted to read this tweet from a knowledgeable person, acknowledging my favourite fighting outfit:

"The EFF is the ONLY organisation thinking innovatively about a REAL transition towards equality and economic development."

As if to underline the words of the oracle, the next tweet reported a knock-down, drag-out brawl at an Ethekwini council meeting. Your councillors participated with great gusto. I like your cutting-edge approach to 'thinking innovatively about a real transition towards equality and 

economic development'. Nothing like split lips, cut cheeks and bleeding noses to speed transformation along. And, of course, a barroom-style brawl is a great leveller. Historical advantage and disadvantage count for nothing. It's all about speed and power.

On that note and with the greatest respect, a careful review of the otherwise inspirational video highlighted several challenges. While one cannot fault the enthusiasm of your ground forces, conditioning and technique require urgent attention.

As a martial arts enthusiast, I once more offer my coaching services at normal tender rates (various discounted packages included). It is obvious to even the most casual observer that a couple of well directed mae geri and mawashi geri kicks would have settled the issue speedily and efficiently. I am sure that Treasury would have been moved to return the 1.2 billion returned to them, instead of being spent on infrastructure.

Instead, we were treated to the embarrassing spectacle of your gallant fighters floundering like stranded whales (meant only figuratively).

I understand your indignation. Although the EFF reportedly chairs the infrastructure committee, we all know how easy it is for the odd billion to slip by. I once missed a R50 surplus on my budget. This is particularly true when such weighty matters as marches, boycotts, protests and occasional MMA encounters also demand your attention.

I don't blame you for allegedly blaming the city manager. Is it a DA person again?

At any rate, it certainly doesn't get more innovative than a good ol' skop, skiet en donner in the council chambers. Now why didn't we think of that before? I'm convinced that the poor and the disadvantaged would have been impressed, inspired and in deeper doo...oops, sorry, it's the damned autocorrect.

With this inspired approach to South Africa's many weighty challenges, we may bruise but how can we lose? 

My confidence is at an all-time high.

Yours in the fierce scuffle for transformation and economic freedom.

Richard 

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Capitec Bank, South Africa  

1378565477

O Tichmann 

+27 833970723